Advice needed please. Not sure what to do.

Flossyflo

New member
Feb 26, 2024
5
0
Somerset
Hi! My 78 year old Mum has been suffering with dementia for @7years though was only diagnosed 2021. I live 100 miles away but visit every few weeks. She has been cared for by her lovely partner (not married) of 12 years. I think that she is probably at late middle stage +. Her behaviour has not been easy and she is now having daily meltdowns, is up all night,doesn't know whose house she's in and has very poor memory so repeats herself constantly and has forgotten that loved ones/parents have passed. Her partner is suffering with his mental health and is no longer able to care for her. The mental health team have told him that if he carries on then he may not be around for much longer. He has had suicidal thoughts.He has also had ×3 operations on his heart in recent years. The memory nurse (who is the only person that Mum would tolerate) has been laid off and they've not heard from the memory clinic for months. What do we do? I read about continuing care but see that it is hard to get. Mum lives in his house so if he can't continue does he make her homeless? She cannot deal with medication, cooking, washing, finances etc so is vulnerable. He has Power of attorney. Really would appreciate advice on a plan of action. Thanks if you managed to read to the end.
 

Oxfordshire

New member
Sep 22, 2023
5
0
This is such a difficult position for you - my mum was living on her own when she developed Alzheimer's and originally had carers visiting her 3 times a day, but between those visits she would wander out of her house and around the village she lived in on a daily basis. Kind people had to keep bringing her home.

It took a huge fight with Social Services to get her admitted to a care home, even after we had persuaded her it was necessary (it took a year). I ended up e-mailing the Chief Executive of Oxfordshire County Council to explain to him that while I fully understand social services are under funded and overstretched, what we were getting simply wasn't good enough. We got her a place in the care home of her choice the next week, the home said they had never seen social services act so quickly. I am not proud of what I did, I know there are hundreds of people in this situation, but it was the only way to get results.

We also had to eventually supply footage from the ring doorbell that we installed for Mum which was totally heartbreaking - she was getting up in the middle of the night with clearly no awareness of what she was doing, and she would go outside to urinate. Much as we didnt want to share the footage for Mum's sake, once the social worker saw it he realised that something had to be done.

You will have to advocate really strongly for your Mum, it is the only way anything gets done sadly.
 

Flossyflo

New member
Feb 26, 2024
5
0
Somerset
Thank you for your reply, I'm so pleased that you managed ti get your Mum sorted out. I've known for a while that the time was coming but it's difficult to know what to do for the best. He's been absolutely brilliant and is heartbroken. He suffered a panic attack which I thought was possibly a heart issue and an ambulance was called. Luckily the paramedics were on the ball and after taking him to hospital got the mental health people involved and they've been fabulous in following up. I'd take Mum myself but think that eventually I would end up in a similar position to Mum's partner.
 

northumbrian_k

Volunteer Host
Mar 2, 2017
4,496
0
Newcastle
Hi @Flossyflo and welcome to Dementia Support Forum. I am sorry to hear about your situation. It seems to be that both your Mum and her partner are vulnerable and at risk. He may be able to live independently but this is becoming impossible while he has your Mum to care for. It sounds as though she needs 24 hour supervision and care. That may only be possible through admission to a suitable care home. I would raise their vulnerability with social services and work towards a care plan for both.

 

Flossyflo

New member
Feb 26, 2024
5
0
Somerset
Hi @Flossyflo and welcome to Dementia Support Forum. I am sorry to hear about your situation. It seems to be that both your Mum and her partner are vulnerable and at risk. He may be able to live independently but this is becoming impossible while he has your Mum to care for. It sounds as though she needs 24 hour supervision and care. That may only be possible through admission to a suitable care home. I would raise their vulnerability with social services and work towards a care plan for both.
Thank you for your reply. I completely agree. He is able to live independently but Mum is such hard work that he's at the end of his tether. She needs him to be with her all of the time so he doesn't get any peace. I've tried to get her out to give him peace but she refuses to go with me.