Advice needed on being accused of taking things

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by bdmid, Apr 23, 2014.

  1. bdmid

    bdmid Registered User

    Dec 4, 2013
    27
    Female
    Bristol
    Apologies if you read this post on my blog, I was told to post on the forum for better responses.

    Mum was diagnosed with VD at beginning do this year, though has been 'odd' for lot longer. She lives on her own but my brother and I do a day about, so one of us are with her every day. With the help of this site, we have struggled thro until now. Her short term memory is shot but long term, oh boy now, I am being accused and my granddaughter has been also, very aggressively that I have stolen a cylinder vacuum which she did own but over 30 years ago along with other ancient items long ago disposed of or broken. Normally by changing subjects works for a short time, but It's the sheer level of verbal aggression that has thrown me this time, the heaving sobs and tears that go with it, the only thing I can do to stop a full scale row is to leave her which makes us feel awful. Has anyone any ideas on how to get past this:
     
  2. VickyG

    VickyG Registered User

    Feb 6, 2013
    327
    Birmingham
    Hi,
    It's truly awful, i know, been there many times with my mum. I usually distracted mum and changed the subject, although it's very waring and repetitive at times. I often found myself lying to mum, and at other times, just going along with things. All i can say is, it doesn't last forever, thankfully. It's just damn hard at the time.
    Have you seen your mum's GP about certain medications that can help ? There are some drugs out there than can help, although in our experience, you have to fight for most things. If you don't ask, you don't get.
    Good luck and look after yourself.
     
  3. Fed Up

    Fed Up Registered User

    Aug 4, 2012
    464
    So sorry its hard but really just for your own sanity don't argue. You'll never convince her that her version of events is wrong. Just say something like "oh really, oh well never mind" and change the subject fast. Its a sad fact nearly all of us have the experience of this and it is as though the record in the mind is stuck on repeat. But it does pass. My sympathy to you and please do not think your alone your not.
     
  4. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    5,984
    Cotswolds
    Oh dear. I'm so sorry. You must feel dreadful about this, even though you know it's Dementia Mum accusing you, and not the real Mum. It's hard to believe the aggressiveness of the accusations, but it seems fairly common with Dementia. My Dad, never diagnosed with Dementia until we saw his death certificate, was actually tricked by some youths who stole a lot of his papers and money....and a copy of his Will. The police caught the culprits, but my Dad furiously attacked me for stealing the Will, saying if I didn't return it he'd be making another one and make sure there would be nothing for me, his only child. I wish we'd known it was Dementia, it was so distressing. I would walk away in tears.
    I wonder if there's any way someone could suggest to your Mum that you are just as puzzled as she is that her things have been stolen, maybe even a Little White Lie about there being a spate of strange thefts like hers and the police are investigating. Has she ever seen your own vacuum cleaner? I imagine it must be better than the old one she remembers, so why would you want to steal hers? I know, logic doesn't really come into it, does it? What is her current vacuum cleaner like? Would it be worth getting her a new one if it's old? Sorry you have to endure this total misunderstanding.....
     
  5. bdmid

    bdmid Registered User

    Dec 4, 2013
    27
    Female
    Bristol

    I try to do the distraction bit all the time, or changing the subject, but it will come out again in the middle of something else, my daughter says it's like a light switch being turned on when she goes off. I also tell the odd white lie too, I will try anything. Her dr says there is no medication for dementia, but I really wonder if she needs something to
    calm her down. It's good to know this is one of the symptoms, hope it passes soon tho.
    Thanks for the advice and support
     
  6. bdmid

    bdmid Registered User

    Dec 4, 2013
    27
    Female
    Bristol

    Thanks so much I am learning that it does appear you have to keep pushing for something, anything to be done. After months of nagging I managed to get her community nurse to come out and assess her, but because she is well over the funds limit, we have found that as you say, asking again and again is the way to go, if she wS on benefits it would all be done for us. It makes me really angry that mum and dad worked all their life and now cannot get much help, even I can't get cArers allowance cause of my pensions. Sorry went into a bit of a rant there, thanks for your help anyway
     
  7. Merrymaid

    Merrymaid Registered User

    Feb 21, 2014
    304
    #7 Merrymaid, Apr 24, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2014
    Hi Bdmid my Mum is a fellow vascular D sufferer and the vitriolic accusations were a terrible time for me & my daughter. She would accuse us of all kinds and with such a vehemence it would leave us reeling. My daughter has since left home partly due to Mum's illness and thankfully the accusations have lessened with the passage of time. Occasionally they flare up and they still sting a bit but I have managed to detach myself more these days. I find that if I don't feed her with an emotional response she burns out quicker. Just to clarify my Mum is on some benefits, having worked hard all her life, but I am still having to fight every step of the way to sort her care entitlements. We all have our battles with bureaucracy on top of our personal fight with this awful disease. Take heart that the accusations are sometimes a phase and hopefully will pass. Regarding your doctor saying there is no treatment for Dementia I wouldn't agree. Our Dr did not prescribe for Mum but we do get a prescription from the local hospital trust Memory Clinic of Memantine which has slowed progression somewhat. They stated Dr's will not prescribe as too expensive. This will not cure her but has helped keep a lot of Mum as Mum, for longer. Perhaps you can push for a referral to your local memory clinic. Best of luck Mx
     
  8. Noorza

    Noorza Registered User

    Jun 8, 2012
    6,542
    Me too, you're not alone.
     
  9. bdmid

    bdmid Registered User

    Dec 4, 2013
    27
    Female
    Bristol
    Thanks so much to you all who answered my plea, it is comforting to know we are not alone in this and I know its gonna be a long and difficult road ahead, but ever so helpful to know that we are able to get advise and support or to have a rant knowing someone will help pick me up. Thanks all:)
     
  10. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    This is one of the worst parts of the disease

    I so feel for you. Hubby blames people who don't yet exist of stealing from his garden. A few things have come my way and leaving the room is how I handle it. I have to, or I'll get angry, then everything can spiral out of control.

    If you have to leave the room to spare yourself a bit of agony, then do it. I honestly find that if I'm not in the room, that particular fire won't be fuelled.

    Wishing you courage.
     
  11. chrissie121

    chrissie121 Registered User

    Nov 27, 2013
    29
    there is some medication that can help some people - doesn't prevent it but can slow

    Hi there I feel for you as I am experiencing this with my mum, almost hourly some days and the accusations of stealing literally everything from jumpers to dinners in the fridge to taking cheque book or altering cheques ( that she has sent off). Mum is under her local memory clinic and she was prescribed what I referred to as the Memory Pill - it can slow down the progression of the illness but obviously is not a cure. It was called Aricept I think. It works for my aunt but didn't work for my mum as it enhanced her paranoia and increased the stealing accusations. It is terrible to be called a thief and a liar by your own mother and just recently I was told that a thief is one step away from a murderer!. I spoke with local Alzheimer's contact, lovely lady called Joan who advised whenever you can, walk away, change the subject or just nod and say I am sure it will turn up or lets see if we can find it next time I visit. However, it is hard and I feel for anyone whose experiencing what I am on a daily basis. The lady's hubby who believes strange people have stolen things is hard to cope with as you are not sure if someone really did come around and take things. I have noticed something else recently with her behaviour that I wonder if anyone else has experienced - thinking they have been in another house somewhere and they want to go back and collect some things they left behind - this is a new one that I don't know how to respond to?


     
  12. Aprilbabe

    Aprilbabe Registered User

    Apr 17, 2014
    40
    Just been reading all replies to this thread and when I read your reply Chrissie121 I had to offload what I have experienced with my mum today. I, thankfully not yet, do not get accused of taking things, her neighbours are in the front line there, but I wonder whether the Aricept medication my mum has been put on since diagnosis in 2011, is not working for her anymore. My mum this morning was very agitated and confused and not knowing where she was. I explained she was at home and she started saying "where's that?" When I popped in this afternoon she thought she was coming home with me and told me she was going to get her things ready to pack to come home with me. Will see how she is this evening when I am there to supervise meds.
    I'm sorry everyone to have "gone on" about something different in effect to what this thread is about, I suppose I'm feel so stressed I just want to offload!
    Good thing is I have got social services doing a home assessment tomorrow and I also got in touch with her memory clinic, still waiting for advice there on tweaking her meds perhaps? She is on an antidepressant too I may add!
     
  13. agingcruelty

    agingcruelty Registered User

    Jun 16, 2013
    3
    accusations of stealing

    You are not alone. When my mother first started to show noticeable signs she was still very good verbally and getting around. She accused me of everything and called 911 on me countless times, went to the Sheriff, State Police, Magistrate and tried to take out charges and have me arrested and she called the landlord and tried to have me put out. When we pressured the Dr. for help he said well "some kids do steal from their parents" and I continued to press for a full check up. He dropped her as a patient and referred her somewhere else. Talking about pouring salt into our wounds. He would not diagnosis her either because she was passing all the test but one year later she was diagnosed. We had a terrible time. She threw things at me, threatened me. It was not until she got so bazaar that neighbors and others realized I was not the evil daughter. I still did everything I needed to do for her within safety of myself. For an entire year it was a horrific ride.

    Sadly here in the USA they put them in with the mental patients when you try to get them help and the medications cause side effects. It is a shame there is not more for this illness and it is increasing!!!

    What I noticed was most of her behavior was to protect her own ego :-( She could not imagine she was misplacing things. Then that started paranoia and she began to hide things and forget she did it. She had hiding places all over the house and even in the trunk of the car. Things like toilet tissue and coffee she thought was being stolen.

    Bless you through this journey.
     
  14. Aprilbabe

    Aprilbabe Registered User

    Apr 17, 2014
    40
    My goodness what you have had to go through, poor you. Do hope you are now getting the help you need????
    My mum, diagnosed in 2011 with AD and on Aricept and an antidepressant, has deteriorated quite a bit in the last 6-9 months with paranoia and hiding things, as she believes people (neighbours) are coming into her flat and taking things and playing with her head!!!!!!! She has social services assessment tomorrow - should be interesting as she is flatly refusing any help due to her being able to do things herself, when clearly she cannot! I have been informed that they cannot do anything unless she consents.
    Take care and keep posting, TP is a good place for us all to share!
     
  15. 12gettingthere

    12gettingthere Registered User

    Mar 26, 2014
    3
    Its hard very hard! my mom nightly talks about the "other house" and the need to get back there. I think she is thinking back to times gone by when she lived in her own flat years ago (she has lived with me for 20years) its just confusion and old memories tapping in to the brain. Just go with it as I do now although I get frustrated it is much easier to say we can go there tomorrow etc.
     
  16. Tilly Mint

    Tilly Mint Registered User

    Jun 14, 2011
    21
    Hi,
    I don't know if this has already been suggested but how about creating a book of old appliances from photos off the internet and put into a photo album. If she sees them she may just feel reassured in some way.

    Then you can maybe add to the book with another photo or printout of whichever items she seems to be fretting about.
     
  17. Cupcake fan

    Cupcake fan Registered User

    Jan 26, 2014
    7
    Basildon
    Same problem.

    Hi,

    I am a carer for my Mum who also has Vasc. Dem. Quite often she will look in her purse and swear she had money in there, then says one of us must have gone down her purse and taken it. Sometimes we use the LWL (little white lie) and say that she used it when we went out for a coffee, she paid. Sometimes it works, other times she is like a dog with a bone and just won't let the subject drop. That's when I start losing patience, even though I know it's not her saying it but the dementia. So I leave the room and go put the kettle on, by the time I take her drink in, she's calmed down and found something else to focus her attention on. This website is great for blowing off steam, as we are all in the same boat and understand what everyone else is going through. :cool:
     
  18. chrissie121

    chrissie121 Registered User

    Nov 27, 2013
    29
    I am so sorry that you are experiencing this awfulness that comes with this illness. the awful way you are accused is terrible I know, I have been dealing with my Mum for the past 8 months or so, and have been accused of all sorts from stealing her knickers to her roast beef dinners from the fridge - in fact everything she can't find I have taken it
    it is part of the illness and there is nothing you can do, to change it, but you can take some comfort that it appears they only accuse those who are the closet to them. It is best as others have advised to change the subject, and try and move past it. but as often happens they persist with their theory you have taken it, then try to defuse the situation by saying, you promise to return it, you borrowed it for a short period or forgot to bring it back or took it to be repaired. Often its the fact you agree with them that calms them down. In her head its gone and you took it. Sometimes though as another lady advised it is best to walk away, you feel awful and guilty but sometimes, just going away for a short time, means she forgets and when you return she will have no recall that she was asking you about the missing hoover. :)
     
  19. bdmid

    bdmid Registered User

    Dec 4, 2013
    27
    Female
    Bristol
    Thanks so much for this, others have suggested this too which I am trying to do with Mum. Since my last thread it seems as tho mum has some Alzheimer's as we'll, so now classed as mixed dementia. I find myself agreeing with everything she says now and took your advice about removing for repair, or washing etc - Some times this works but not always, it's a game of patience and understanding, logically I know this, but it's so hard to keep my emotions in check at times. Thanks again
     

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