Hi, I'm new here and would be really grateful for some advice.
My 96 yo MIL lives on her own still, although my husband and I are working desperately hard to get our house ready to sell, to buy a place big enough for her to move in with us. In the mean time, Mum has been gradually losing ability to cope on various fronts, and we have been introducing new levels of care (e.g., bathing service) as needed.
Until recently, we have been buying in Sainsbury's Taste the Difference ready meals, which she has been heating in the over for herself. She has burned a few meals, so badly that the 'ovenproof' plastic has slightly melted, and also put things in the oven that aren't meant to be heated. She is very wobbly on her feet, and I worry that it's only a matter of time before she will bend down to get something out of the oven, only to drop it and burn her feet/legs.
We tried Meals on Wheels before, but none of the providers in our area provide the meals at a time that she is used to eating (and I've asked them all whether they could adjust their route - they can't). She has an infallible body clock, and lunch has always been at 5 to noon, on the dot. We were so desperate that we put the clocks back, but this didn't work. She genuinely does not comprehend that she could possibly eat lunch any later! So we went back to her heating her own food until the latest episode of burnt dinner.
We are going to her house to wait for Meals on Wheels to arrive, but she is agitated for the whole hour she is waiting for them to arrive (30 mins to an hour later than she is used to). She has circumvented this by finding food in the house - old packet soups (which I didn't even know were in the cupboard), and puddings (which she usually eats in the evening). Then when the meal arrives, she says she has already eaten. One day I gave her a very small starter to ward off hunger and keep her distracted while waiting for Meals on Wheels to arrive, then when they got there she swore blind that she had already eaten a big meal and refused to take even a single taste. Lunch is the only real meal of the day, and she simply refuses to eat more than 1/2 biscuit in the evening, so once the chance to eat has gone, it is gone. She cheerfully acknowledges that the food from Meals on Wheels tastes good, and when we throw it away, she says its a shame to waste it and why don't we put it in the fridge - but if we did, she would only burn it in the oven (including the parts of the meal like salad not meant to be heated).
I'm thinking we should get a carer to come at the time she normally starts to prepare her meal, and support her, making sure she is choosing appropriate food and that the meal doesn't get burned - but the danger is that she will simply move earlier and earlier in the day to circumvent this - the danger being that the closer to breakfast she is the less she will eat - and once she's eaten, however little, she will refuse to eat later in the day. In any case, I can't organise a carer instantly, so we still have to get through the next few days without starvation. She is only about 6 stone, if that - OK, she is only about 4'11" but she is absolutely skin and bone. She's been referred to the dietician, but again, we can't wait.
She still has enough awareness left to try to discuss things but she got very angry today when I tried to discuss it with her, and I'm dreading going round tomorrow since I will have a long wait during which she will be impossible to distract. She simply refuses to believe that she has ever burnt her food, or is losing weight, or that she has any problem looking after herself.
I know this is a relatively small problem compared to what so many on this forum are facing but I feel absolutely defeated after she told me today, 'I wish you would find someone else to look after, then you would leave me alone and stop bothering me.' I've done some non-violent communication training, and wish I had the presence of mind simply to acknowledge her feeling of frustration, and missing her enjoyment of being able to do everything for herself. Instead, I said, 'I'm feeling upset, and I'm just going to leave the room for a few minutes to have a cry.' Which I then did.
I am tempted to simply bring her a ready meal myself every day as we live close enough, but this would slow me down in the endless tasks I have to do to get this house sold - I feel like I am moving through treacle every day.
Sorry for the long rant, it's just all come to a head today. Thanks in advance for any advice!
Gladys
My 96 yo MIL lives on her own still, although my husband and I are working desperately hard to get our house ready to sell, to buy a place big enough for her to move in with us. In the mean time, Mum has been gradually losing ability to cope on various fronts, and we have been introducing new levels of care (e.g., bathing service) as needed.
Until recently, we have been buying in Sainsbury's Taste the Difference ready meals, which she has been heating in the over for herself. She has burned a few meals, so badly that the 'ovenproof' plastic has slightly melted, and also put things in the oven that aren't meant to be heated. She is very wobbly on her feet, and I worry that it's only a matter of time before she will bend down to get something out of the oven, only to drop it and burn her feet/legs.
We tried Meals on Wheels before, but none of the providers in our area provide the meals at a time that she is used to eating (and I've asked them all whether they could adjust their route - they can't). She has an infallible body clock, and lunch has always been at 5 to noon, on the dot. We were so desperate that we put the clocks back, but this didn't work. She genuinely does not comprehend that she could possibly eat lunch any later! So we went back to her heating her own food until the latest episode of burnt dinner.
We are going to her house to wait for Meals on Wheels to arrive, but she is agitated for the whole hour she is waiting for them to arrive (30 mins to an hour later than she is used to). She has circumvented this by finding food in the house - old packet soups (which I didn't even know were in the cupboard), and puddings (which she usually eats in the evening). Then when the meal arrives, she says she has already eaten. One day I gave her a very small starter to ward off hunger and keep her distracted while waiting for Meals on Wheels to arrive, then when they got there she swore blind that she had already eaten a big meal and refused to take even a single taste. Lunch is the only real meal of the day, and she simply refuses to eat more than 1/2 biscuit in the evening, so once the chance to eat has gone, it is gone. She cheerfully acknowledges that the food from Meals on Wheels tastes good, and when we throw it away, she says its a shame to waste it and why don't we put it in the fridge - but if we did, she would only burn it in the oven (including the parts of the meal like salad not meant to be heated).
I'm thinking we should get a carer to come at the time she normally starts to prepare her meal, and support her, making sure she is choosing appropriate food and that the meal doesn't get burned - but the danger is that she will simply move earlier and earlier in the day to circumvent this - the danger being that the closer to breakfast she is the less she will eat - and once she's eaten, however little, she will refuse to eat later in the day. In any case, I can't organise a carer instantly, so we still have to get through the next few days without starvation. She is only about 6 stone, if that - OK, she is only about 4'11" but she is absolutely skin and bone. She's been referred to the dietician, but again, we can't wait.
She still has enough awareness left to try to discuss things but she got very angry today when I tried to discuss it with her, and I'm dreading going round tomorrow since I will have a long wait during which she will be impossible to distract. She simply refuses to believe that she has ever burnt her food, or is losing weight, or that she has any problem looking after herself.
I know this is a relatively small problem compared to what so many on this forum are facing but I feel absolutely defeated after she told me today, 'I wish you would find someone else to look after, then you would leave me alone and stop bothering me.' I've done some non-violent communication training, and wish I had the presence of mind simply to acknowledge her feeling of frustration, and missing her enjoyment of being able to do everything for herself. Instead, I said, 'I'm feeling upset, and I'm just going to leave the room for a few minutes to have a cry.' Which I then did.
I am tempted to simply bring her a ready meal myself every day as we live close enough, but this would slow me down in the endless tasks I have to do to get this house sold - I feel like I am moving through treacle every day.
Sorry for the long rant, it's just all come to a head today. Thanks in advance for any advice!
Gladys
I also care for my MIL.
