I would appreciate advice on how to persuade my 91 year old Mother-in-law that now is the time for 24/7 care. She has Alzheimers and there has been a marked deterioration in the past 6 months, forgetting to eat and drink, falling in the street, getting lost, 'losing' her handbag, purse and door keys, putting food and things in strange places etc. She is now having regular blackout episodes where she drops to the floor and is 'vacant' for a couple of minutes. She lives independently but has carers who go in from 8 to 12 every morning and 7 to 9 every evening. However, she is adamant that she needs no help and can care for herself and hates the carers going in so much that she attempts to lock them out. The doctor tried yesterday to say to her that she isn't safe on her own for such long periods but she didn't take it on board. We live in Edinburgh, her other son lives in E Sussex and MiL lives in Leicester so we're all far apart. My husband and I have viewed care homes and have found 2 possibilities. However, we know that she will point blank refuse to consider them and will become very upset at the thought, thinking that she is being 'put away'. Does anyone have any suggestions/ tactics of how we can persuade her that 24/7 care is what she needs please?
Advice needed for persuading MiL that she needs 24/7 care
- Thread starter Jostanno
- Start date
Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @Jostanno. There comes a time when a person with dementia's needs outweigh their wants.
I suggest that you decide on the home of your choice and then just take your mother in law out for a 'coffee' and leave her there. Talk to the home ahead of time about what you are going to do. You could say something like the doctor wants her to build up her strength so she is staying in this nice convalescent home for a bit, or that something needs doing to her house and it's best she is out of the way while things are sorted. Whatever cover story you use I wouldn't say anything ahead of time. I know it sounds sneaky, but telling her about it ahead of time will only give her the opportunity to dig her heels in and refuse to go. This is more or less what I did with my mum, who was a similar age at the time. I did it by myself, which was tough. I think if a couple of you can go it may well be easier as one can sign the paperwork, set up the room while the other chats to the staff and has a welcoming cup of tea and cake etc.
I assume you have lasting power of attorney?
I suggest that you decide on the home of your choice and then just take your mother in law out for a 'coffee' and leave her there. Talk to the home ahead of time about what you are going to do. You could say something like the doctor wants her to build up her strength so she is staying in this nice convalescent home for a bit, or that something needs doing to her house and it's best she is out of the way while things are sorted. Whatever cover story you use I wouldn't say anything ahead of time. I know it sounds sneaky, but telling her about it ahead of time will only give her the opportunity to dig her heels in and refuse to go. This is more or less what I did with my mum, who was a similar age at the time. I did it by myself, which was tough. I think if a couple of you can go it may well be easier as one can sign the paperwork, set up the room while the other chats to the staff and has a welcoming cup of tea and cake etc.
I assume you have lasting power of attorney?
Your mil won't ever agree to a home, it's the nature of the illness. There comes a point where the person with dementia's needs become so great that they outweigh what they or family members want to happen. I'm afraid that you will just have to organise it. My mother in law was like this and wouldn't even leave her own home not even for visiting us or the doctor, so we knew we were going to have problems. My husband wasn't prepared to dupe her out of her own home, so we waited for a crisis. Eventually she became ill and went into hospital and we organised a care home for her . She went straight into the home from hospital, never returning to her own home. We had lasting power of attorney for finances and health and she was self funding so we just organised it ourselves
Welcome to this friendly and supportive forum from me too @Jostanno. I am sorry to read of your MIL's situation.
I can only echo what @Rosettastone57 has suggested. With my Mum, it reached crisis point where she had falls in her own flat outside of the times that Carers went in four times a day. Hospitalised , then to a community hospital for rehabilitation, but when it was clear that she would not be safe to be discharged back to her own flat, my brother and I organised a residential care home ''just for a while''. I'm afraid you have to use subtefuge and what some call 'love lies' , just to ensure your loved one is safe. Good luck and do let us know how you get on.
