Advice for the day I take mum to the Care Home

[monkeygirl15]

So, I've arranged for my mum to have a week's Respite Care at a Care Home - with a view to this being extended permanently. She's due to go in on Friday morning, before lunch sometime. We went to visit last week and she was kind of ok - though had no real awareness of where she was. I haven't told her that she is going as I figured that she would either a/ get really worried and upset about it or b/ get really worried and upset about it, we have a big row and they she forget anyway.

I'm wondering if anyone has any tips on how to best handle this on the day? It's just me on my own - sadly no family backup.

I was thinking of telling her the Dr has said she needs to go in and have a rest for a few days (true - except the Dr said she needed an emergency admission a couple of months back and it never happened). Taking her there and then coming back to pack stuff and do her suitcase and take it over. I thought if I packed the case when she was there, it would give her chance to refuse .... when my mum refuses I have no chance of getting her there.

Does anyone have any tips on how I handle this really difficult day? I'm dreading it - but think it's the right thing to do - even if it's not the easiest for me.

Thanks

 

[monkeygirl15]

Yes - but she's staying there. Do you think I should keep to the two trips plan?

 

[Lmh1977]

Hi monkeygirl15 I'm not sure it's useful advice but we had to take my grandad to a care home after a short while in hospital. He was no longer safe at home and it was our only option. I was there with him when he moved to the home and I won't lie it was full of emotion for him and me. Things we a little tricky for an hour or so but the staff were great. We showed him all the different rooms he could go in and we said he could have his room anyway he wanted. He gave us all orders about where he wanted things and once we got it just so he became more relaxed. We weren't sure how much he understood about staying there as we had a conversation with him about moving to the home a few days before bit he seemed to have no memory of it. He agreed to stay and be looked after till he got stronger. He's been there 3 and a half months now. He has a few moments where he asked to go home but he forgets very quickly. He has unfortunately deteriorated with his vascular dementia and has since become very frail. Which has become upsetting but we made the right decision to be in the home as he needs constant care.
I took some of his things to the home the day before so he had them there when he arrived. Not sure if any of this helps but I will be thinking of you both. Stay strong x

 

[love.dad.but..]

I had to tell love lies to get dad to his nursing home it makes you feel terrible but has to be done for their best interests and this step is taken with kindness to keep your mum looked after so keep this in your mind if things get tough. The dr is used a lot in love lies or use any other excuse reason you think your mum will accept at that moment.If she is only there for a week initially then you don't need to take a huge amount of personal things except obviously enough clothes plus a few more..then as you see how things are going you can take in more things...label them with her name and in fact anything of your Mum's you take in. Don't take anything valuable or sentimentality precious but If you ate able perhaps copy a few familiar photos to put in her room. Going just before lunch is ideal because staff can distract your mum with lunch time while you go...depending how your mum is likely to react and her short term memory...I always said to dad I was going to make a cake...wash up...never said goodbye as he would want to come and don't linger even if she seems upset...go quickly. The only thing I would say if you are going back with her clothes...if she sees you it could cause problems she may think you have come back for her...if you can't slip in and out of her room without her seeing much as you may want to unpack her things...could you speak to the manager and ask that a carer takes her case from reception and unpacks for you? Or could anyone sit with your mum the day before so you could take things to the home then?

It isn't a day any of us thought would ever have to come and everyone dreads it but you have made the right decision at the right time and for the right reasons

 

[Amy in the US]

Hello @monkeygirl15. I'm sorry you are dreading this, but understand. I also had to move my mum to a care home and even though it was necessary, it wasn't something I enjoyed.

I think you are very smart not to mention anything in advance, and I would not say a word, to be honest. Even on Friday I would just tell her you're going out to lunch, if you are worried she will be upset and not want to get in the car. It's very, very smart to avoid situations that will cause upset, distress, or refusal.

I also think you're smart not to pack in front of her, or take a bag with you (where she can see it). If you do want to take anything with you on Friday, pack it out of her sight and hearing and stow it in the boot when she's not looking.

Blaming the doctor is also the way to go. Always, always, always, shift the blame. I agree with "the doctor says you need a bit of a rest to build up your strength" or something similar. Another approach people sometimes use effectively, especially if short term memory is poor, is "the heat/water has gone out at home so it's just until we get things sorted" or "we found mold in the house and the doctor says you can't stay there while it's being fixed."

You clearly have thought this through and have very good ideas.

The one thing I think that is very important, possibly most important, is how you behave on the day. This is likely going to be very difficult, but I suggest you remain calm, pleasant, and faintly cheerful/upbeat, and that you reflect that in your tone of voice and body language and facial expressions. If your mum is anything like mine, even though she can no longer always follow a conversation, she has a scary ability to hone in on the tiniest change in my tone of voice or emotional state. If it helps, pretend you are acting a role. You can collapse in the car afterwards and cry or scream or yell or whatever you need to do, just stay calm in front of your mother.

I would also talk to the staff ahead of time and let them know your concerns. They likely may be able to help distract your mother, when it's time for you to leave, with a cup of tea or an activity or something similar.

And when you do take your leave, do it calmly, quietly, and quickly. The less said, the better. Again, if her short term memory is poor, you might just say you're stepping out to the loo. If you leave your coat and bag in the car, there won't be that visual cue that you are gathering up your things and getting ready to depart.

I always say to my mother, when I'm leaving, that I love her and I will see her soon. Never goodbye, never see you Tuesday, just I will see you soon. Anything else made her upset and anxious, so I stick with this.

I hope something in there is helpful, don't hesitate to ask questions, and when you get a chance, please let us know how it goes.

Best wishes.

 

[Fullticket]

Only advice I can offer is keep it light and get there shortly before a meal so there is something she needs to be doing. I am going back three years here to the first time mum went into respite and she was much more aware of what was going on then. I had said that because I had to go back to London for a few days I was arranging for her to go into a local place where they could keep an eye on her on the basis that I didn't think she would want to be here on her own in case there was an emergency, a power cut or she could not get the kettle to work... She was not happy but I just packed her stuff and put her in the car.
The care home staff were brilliant - they immediately took the onus off me. As they welcomed her at the entrance a staff member said words along the lines of "Oh xxxx so good to see you and that you could make it. Come in, we are going to have some fun. Let's go and get a cup of tea." She was swept up on the tide of having to do something and be somewhere, she was not given any questions she could say no to and so followed like a lamb, was established in the lounge with tea while I unpacked for her. She had someone assigned to her to show her what to do.
I didn't hang about, just left them to it. They told me she was a little anxious after lunch but settled down with some after lunch activities and by tea time was quite content.
For what it is worth, on the day I went to collect her she asked me if I wanted to see her room so we could visit in private - so she was obviously settled.
As the saying goes, if you have looked after one person with dementia, you have looked after one person with dementia so your experience may be different. But the opportunity to have time to myself was invaluable and mum has been there quite a few times now. It gets easier.

 

[Bod]

Yes - but she's staying there. Do you think I should keep to the two trips plan?

Yes 2 trips.
Make the second, just a drop off, of her case, let the staff unpack, you try not to be seen.
In, drop, out.
By all means phone the staff later, but don't visit, till she's settled.

Bod

 

[monkeygirl15]

Thank you all for all those helpful tips. I feel better knowing other people's thoughts - makes me feel less alone. My stomach churns at the thought of it all - but having spoken to my mum again today I do think it's is the right thing to do. I think she went wandering in the night last night. Can't be sure as Social Services didn't put in the Just Checking system as they promised. But for my mum's sake I have to do it. Even if it's hard for her at first, it has to be better for her than the current situation.

Thank you again. I'll let you know how it goes

 

[father ted]

Good Luck monkeygirl15,

I hope it goes well and I would do exactly as you proposed in your post.
My Mum has recently gone into residential care and I was dreading it too. The main reason being that I thought she might refuse to go at the last minute but she didn't and it went very smoothly.

I know exactly how you feel. It is not an easy decision. Let us know how it goes. X

 

[Lmh1977]

Please post how it goes. X

 

[monkeygirl15]

I said I'd post to say how it went so here goes. It's not good news I'm afraid.

We got there ok. I went into the office to fill in the various forms. When I went to leave my mum got adamant that she was not staying and I wasn't leaving without her. The staff suggested I just go and, once I had removed my mum's grip on my arm I went. 40 minutes later I got a phone call from the Home Manager. They told me to come and get her, she was attacking staff, tried to break a window, had run off down the road (even though they are supposed to have locked doors and gates).

I went to get her. I had gone over the edge - having worked myself up to the day and then it all go wrong. My friend had arrived at that point and I was driving back to the Care Home my friend was on to the Dementia Crisis Team on my behalf. I said I couldn't take any more - not helped by the fact that last night she went out in the dark twice on her own. Once she was found by a Carer and once by a neighbour. We said the Crisis Team needed to do something as she needed to be in Care as she is just not safe at home. When I arrived at the Care Home my mum was by the (then locked) gate with no members of staff around. The company who send Carers to my mum's rang Social Services in the meantime to say that they felt she was unsafe at home and needed an emergency admission.

So then followed four hours with the Dementia Crisis Team at home and Social Services on the phone - each passing the buck to each other. Both agreeing she needed to be somewhere but neither willing to do it against her will. The teatime Carer arrived and didn't hold back telling them how much danger she thought my mum was in (including being found in the middle of the busy road outside, now refusing meds off most staff). For a minute it looked like they were listening. Then the Manager of the Crisis Team rang and I was rung by Social Services to say that the Manager had overruled everyone and said that my mum would be fine at home over the weekend. The Crisis Team would check on her and they had put in the Just Checking System. Neither of which stop my mum going out.

I am left absolutely desperate and out of answers. By the time it got to 6pm (all this started at 9.30am this morning) I just hadn't got anything to fight with. I have contacted everyone I can think of for help. I'm sure I'll get my fight back but right now I am really through. I did tell Social Services that if anything happened it would be on their heads. But it seems that no one will take the action to keep my mum safe from harm when she says she doesn't want it. Sorry, I just don't have the words to express things right tonight...

 

[Slugsta]

Oh Monkeygirl! What a terrible day for you and how frightening to think of your mum back in the same, dangerous, situation you thought you had taken her from.

I am sure someone will be along with helpful information/advice so I will just send you a lot of big, squishy (((hugs))).

 

[love.dad.but..]

I am so sorry...what a terrible day and lack of any support for resolution in keeping your mum safe. I don't have any experience of the emergency crisis admission process but someone else on TP will hopefully be able to give you some advice. However I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and this situation is so hard for you

 

[monkeygirl15]

Thank you both for your support and hugs. Both warmly accepted

 

[Lmh1977]

So sorry monkeygirl. What a awful time you have had. Sending you a hug and I keep everything crossed that someone will be able to help. X

 

[Amy in the US]

Oh, @monkeygirl15, that is absolutely terrible and I am so, so, sorry to hear about your dreadful experience.

I don't know what advice I can offer but will try. And I couldn't read and not respond.

I hate to say this but wonder if an option would be to have your mum sectioned? I hope someone who knows more about this than I do, can respond.

It's clear she is not safe on her own and has not got capacity, at least, it's clear to me. I cannot imagine taking the risk of waiting for a bigger crisis, as the so called "crisis team" seem to have chosen to do.

You must be beyond distressed. I am so sorry, about the situation, about not knowing what to tell you, and about not being able to offer practical advice.

 

[monkeygirl15]

Thanks Amy in the US. Yes, it was mentioned about her being sectioned but the Crisis Team said they didn't have the power to do this (I don't think that's true). As I am waiting for the Court of Protection to grant (or not) me authority for her health and welfare then I have to defer to the various powers. But it seems the Dr at the Memory Clinic, the Carers and to an extent Social Services are not enough to overturn the policy of my local Dementia Crisis Team to "keep people in their own homes wherever possible."

 

[Amy in the US]

I hate to say it, but perhaps it's going to take a crisis where the police/paramedics are called, or something similar.

I don't know enough about SS and their powers, and are where you stand with the pending CoP application, to say anything intelligent here.

I just don't want you to feel alone here on TP.

 

[Kikki21]

I’m so sorry for you to go through this @monkeygirl15
I know that when I phoned the emergency duty team at Social Services, although the lady was very nice who rang me back about Advice regarding an imminent & proposed unsafe discharge for my mum that they did very little about it. In fact they said they couldn’t make any decisions. Not the reaction I would have expected & in your case for someone to pass the buck like that for hours is disgraceful.

I would definitely be making a serious complaint via email so it is in writing. You will usually find that there is a group manager in charge of social services in your LA. I would direct the complaint at them.

 

[Kale-and-mash]

Hi monkeygirl15,
I feel so sorry for you and your mum. It is horrendous! The fact that your mum has a history of nighttime wandering, had escaped from the care home, was by a gate and had no staff around her - what more evidence do the authoities need that she would not be safe in her own home?? I don't know what to advise - perhaps call the Alzheimer's Society helpline? It does sound like sectioning may be in her best interests to keep her safe. You must both be exhausted.
I wish you much strength and better luck with the authorities tomorrow.
Kale-and-mash