Hi this is my first post. My father has vascular dementia which over the last year has progressed a lot. He lives at home with my mum who is disabled but she is finding him very difficult to cope with. A lot of the time he sits and sleeps and does not talk a lot but on occasion he asks to visit his home from childhood. My mum gets very angry with this and sees it as a personal attack on her. I have tried to explain to her that this is a normal progression of the illness and that he doesn't understand that it upsets her but she doesn't seem to except this. Today I phoned to find her screaming down the phone at me that she couldn't cope and shouting at him that he has to go in a home. I know these threats have been made from the early stages of the disease. She was also saying she was going to smack him in the face as she couldnt cope with him. Although I try to keep calm with her and explain that she cannot be violent no matter how hard she is finding him when she gets in this frame of mind it is hard to make her listen. I have on many occasions tried to get help from social services and they come out only to be turned away by mum. She will not consider people coming in to help wash dress dad etc as she feels unable to cope with people coming in. She recently had to go in hospital for a week and reluctantly after a couple of days I had to ask social services to put Dad in respite as I live a long way from my parents. It was a heartbreaking decision but one I was hoping would go well for dad in case a more permanent placement became needed. Unfortunately Dad spent most of the time trying to escape and getting angry with people in there. Although not violent he was verbally aggressive and the home although specialists in dementia seemed unable to cope and sent him home as soon as they could. I have said to mum that if she cannot cope anymore then she needs to look into care homes but although she threatens this I think as she would have to pay it puts her off. I have again said that she needs to get carers in to help him but she says wont have people in, even though when in hospital she did agree to this, as soon as she was home she told them she would not be bullyed into having people come in. Sorry for the waffle but I am at my wits end as to what to do. Do I ring social services again and demand that my dad is taken into a home for his own safety even though I know this will affect him greatly or do I continue to wait for the next crisis to happen.
Advice desperately needed
- Thread starter abijac
- Start date
No advice to offer sadly.
Have you talked to Social Services and said what you need is Social Worker input to discover how to untie this Gordian knot (Mum can't cope but won't accept support, you unable to change the situation but suffering a lot and scared stiff about the next crisis)? If you could talk to a Social Worker likely involved with your Mum and Dad's present / future care it might help, both practically and in terms of your morale.
If no Social Worker input can be got then perhaps someone from the Alzheimers Society or similar organisation might be able to help?
Have you talked to Social Services and said what you need is Social Worker input to discover how to untie this Gordian knot (Mum can't cope but won't accept support, you unable to change the situation but suffering a lot and scared stiff about the next crisis)? If you could talk to a Social Worker likely involved with your Mum and Dad's present / future care it might help, both practically and in terms of your morale.
If no Social Worker input can be got then perhaps someone from the Alzheimers Society or similar organisation might be able to help?
I agree, I really think you should contact social services again, as your mum sounds at the end of her tether and your dad needs to be safe, if she is saying she will hit him, and you will need to tell them this. It's such a difficult situation, and I feel for all of you. Your mum clearly needs a carers assessment and help, and doesn't have to struggle on alone, but I can see its going to be difficult to convince her to accept it. Others will be along with better advice for you I'm sure, but your dad needs to be safe.
To me it is obvious that your mum can't cope and is at the end of her tether. No wonder - she is living with this 24/7 and faced with behaviors that would try the patience of a saint.
First, I wonder if it would be helpful to have a quite chat about how to communicate with someone with dementia. She really does need to know and realise that correcting her husband is both pointless (as he won't understand or remember) and will provoke him. Instead she should learn ways to distract like saying "we will go tomorrow, now lets have a cup of tea" - otherwise she is pointlessly making a rod for her own back.
Second it's obvious she cannot go on with things as they are. The only realistic ways forward are to accept help at home, or her husband to go into a care home. At the moment she is vascillating between not accepting help at home and then getting desperate enough to consider the care home option.
It's a case of having to choose the lesser of the two evils - there is no use in putting it off in the hope things will get better, they won't.
As to having to pay for the care home, she should know that:
Only her husband's assets (like savings) are relevant; if they are joint then half will be reserved to her, no matter who actually put the money in the account.
Her home is safe because it will automatically be disregarded so long as she lives in it - this protection is absolute for married couples no matter what the ownership arrangement is (for married couples the house is usually under a joint ownership)
Half of any private or employer pension will always be reserved for her no matter what
If her husband goes into care permanently then from a benefits viewpoint she is regarded as being single - her husband's income is no longer available so she is assessed purely on her own, this means she might qualify for extra help. Her income will never fall below the Pension Credit Minimum Guarantee for example. This is important because for married couple sof a certain age the majority of pension income often comes from the husband, with the wife having little entitlement to her own having not worked (this of course may or may not be the case with you rparents, I have no idea)
First, I wonder if it would be helpful to have a quite chat about how to communicate with someone with dementia. She really does need to know and realise that correcting her husband is both pointless (as he won't understand or remember) and will provoke him. Instead she should learn ways to distract like saying "we will go tomorrow, now lets have a cup of tea" - otherwise she is pointlessly making a rod for her own back.
Second it's obvious she cannot go on with things as they are. The only realistic ways forward are to accept help at home, or her husband to go into a care home. At the moment she is vascillating between not accepting help at home and then getting desperate enough to consider the care home option.
It's a case of having to choose the lesser of the two evils - there is no use in putting it off in the hope things will get better, they won't.
As to having to pay for the care home, she should know that:
Only her husband's assets (like savings) are relevant; if they are joint then half will be reserved to her, no matter who actually put the money in the account.
Her home is safe because it will automatically be disregarded so long as she lives in it - this protection is absolute for married couples no matter what the ownership arrangement is (for married couples the house is usually under a joint ownership)
Half of any private or employer pension will always be reserved for her no matter what
If her husband goes into care permanently then from a benefits viewpoint she is regarded as being single - her husband's income is no longer available so she is assessed purely on her own, this means she might qualify for extra help. Her income will never fall below the Pension Credit Minimum Guarantee for example. This is important because for married couple sof a certain age the majority of pension income often comes from the husband, with the wife having little entitlement to her own having not worked (this of course may or may not be the case with you rparents, I have no idea)
