Hello again
Please can I ask for some guidance and advice from you lovely people, if you have a moment to spare.
My mother is 90 and I believe that she is in the early/moderate stages of Alzheimers/dementia. She lives on her own next door to me, her daughter. Mum refuses to be diagnosed by her GP/memory clinic and is fiercely independent. She will accept loads of help from me and would let me do everything for her if I let her. I have a brother who lives miles away who comes and helps every few months. Mum is also a little paranoid, suspicious and nervous and has an irrational fear of those in authority, particularly doctors. Basically, she wants to be left completely alone and to call on help when she needs it. I have been helping mum since my father passed away 3 years ago. Now that mum is not well it is becoming quite a burden for me to cope with on my own.
Mum has been diagnosed with Glaucoma and has been given eye drops to take every day. She is very frail but is very fit for her age. She does not drive any more (I shopped her to the DVLA although she has forgotten about that now). I take her food shopping every week. I am not sure what she eats but all I see her eating is cake and biscuits.
My brother and me have an LPA in place and are just waiting for the certificate.
My brother is very reluctant to get involved and is of the mind that she has not been diagnosed with alzheimers, that there is no real evidence (he only sees her every few months!) and that whilst she has 'mental capacity' and can refuse medical help/support then we are to leave her alone to do as she wants. He agrees that this is a brutal approach but he cannot see any other action that we can take. He says that the only time that we can step in and interfere is when it is obvious that she cannot cope.
My brother has been taking care of mum's finances and tries to do as much as he can when he visits her for a few hours every few months.
So many things have happened over the past few months that makes it obvious that mum is failing but my brother just does not want/can't see it and when I tell him about it he says that as she has capacity there is nothing we can do and we cannot make her go to the hospital to get assessed.
I have been in contact with social care but they say that until there is a crisis or mum is diagnosed with dementia then there is nothing they can do. They have offered to come and assess Mum but we know that she would not let them in and would have a fit and turn on me or my brother and blame us. She can be very hurtful as I have found out in the past to my cost.
Mum is convinced that 'everyone is going behind my back' and can be obstructive and secretive. When she gets post she just shoves it in a draw because she cannot face up to things.
Mum has locked her debit card because she cannot remember her pin no and my brother has organised another one to be sent to her but she has lost it. I am now worried that when I take her shopping she will not be able to pay for it. This week I got her shopping for her and she gave me £40 cash towards it because that was all she had in her purse.
Mum's garden is now getting overgrown and she wants me to organise a gardener for her and that she will pay me. I am reluctant to do this because when I ask her for money she never has any. She already owes me money for shopping. Most of the time she forgets anyway that she owes me money. I organise for her to have a paper every day so that she know the date and I pay that for her and try to get the money back later.
I have mentioned the problem with the garden to my brother but he says that it is mum's garden and tells me 'to let it grow up to the windowsill' I tell him that the neighbours might complain and he has told me to tell the neighbours that 'it's mum's lawn'. However, he has been sorting out the LPA in the hope of trying to persuade mum to let my brother and me have access to some money to pay for a cleaner, gardener and handyman for mum. However, my brother says that if mum doesn't agree, then there is not much we can do about it.
I am not sure that mum can write cheques now and I am really worried about her eyesight because she cannot read very well and she says her left eye is blurred and her eyes hurt sometimes. It could be her Glaucoma or Alz. She has been given eye drops but she forgets to take them although my brother and me constantly remind her.
We have tried to speaking to mum's GP but mum has threatened to change her GP because she does not like her current one. I have managed to find out the name of mum's optical consultant's secretary from mum's GP to find out when mum's next appointment is. I took mum to hospital last week to see her consultant but when we got there the appointment had been cancelled due to 'patient illness'. Another appointment has been made for 4 May but I can't go to this and so I have had to ask my brother who is not very happy about this. He has contacted mum's consultant to find out why the appointment was cancelled and apparently mum had done it but we don't know why.
I saw mum today to try and find out whether she has received the LPA certificate from the solicitors, has she received the new pin number from her bank so that we can change it so that she can use her debit card and to check if she is still taking her eye drops. Mum had no idea what I was talking about. I told her that I could not take her to her appointment in May for her eyes and that my brother was going to do it. Mum refused this saying that she didn't want him to take her and that she would go on her own.
So, there is no LPA certificate for my brother to ask mum to agree for us to have access to her funds, it is unlikely that she will remember to go to hospital in May and she cannot use her debit card to get money for food.
Tomorrow, after I have taken mum shopping, I have to help mum contact her solicitor to find out where the LPA certificate is and then let my brother know. I then will have to wait for my brother to next visit to persuade mum to allow access to her money to pay for things like food, gardening, cleaning ect.
To be honest, I am really fed up and I don't know what to do.
I am going away this weekend and frankly I can't wait! I am sure mum will be fine because she will have enough food to live on but I am worried that this will all collapse one day and land firmly on my shoulders.
Has anyone any advice, ideas....?
If you havn't then thank you for taking the time to read this.
I don't have enough money to pay for things for myself, let alone for mum too. The stupid thing is she has a vast amount of savings but won't let anyone have access because she doesn't trust anyone. My brother won't put his hand in his pocket to help either.
Please can I ask for some guidance and advice from you lovely people, if you have a moment to spare.
My mother is 90 and I believe that she is in the early/moderate stages of Alzheimers/dementia. She lives on her own next door to me, her daughter. Mum refuses to be diagnosed by her GP/memory clinic and is fiercely independent. She will accept loads of help from me and would let me do everything for her if I let her. I have a brother who lives miles away who comes and helps every few months. Mum is also a little paranoid, suspicious and nervous and has an irrational fear of those in authority, particularly doctors. Basically, she wants to be left completely alone and to call on help when she needs it. I have been helping mum since my father passed away 3 years ago. Now that mum is not well it is becoming quite a burden for me to cope with on my own.
Mum has been diagnosed with Glaucoma and has been given eye drops to take every day. She is very frail but is very fit for her age. She does not drive any more (I shopped her to the DVLA although she has forgotten about that now). I take her food shopping every week. I am not sure what she eats but all I see her eating is cake and biscuits.
My brother and me have an LPA in place and are just waiting for the certificate.
My brother is very reluctant to get involved and is of the mind that she has not been diagnosed with alzheimers, that there is no real evidence (he only sees her every few months!) and that whilst she has 'mental capacity' and can refuse medical help/support then we are to leave her alone to do as she wants. He agrees that this is a brutal approach but he cannot see any other action that we can take. He says that the only time that we can step in and interfere is when it is obvious that she cannot cope.
My brother has been taking care of mum's finances and tries to do as much as he can when he visits her for a few hours every few months.
So many things have happened over the past few months that makes it obvious that mum is failing but my brother just does not want/can't see it and when I tell him about it he says that as she has capacity there is nothing we can do and we cannot make her go to the hospital to get assessed.
I have been in contact with social care but they say that until there is a crisis or mum is diagnosed with dementia then there is nothing they can do. They have offered to come and assess Mum but we know that she would not let them in and would have a fit and turn on me or my brother and blame us. She can be very hurtful as I have found out in the past to my cost.
Mum is convinced that 'everyone is going behind my back' and can be obstructive and secretive. When she gets post she just shoves it in a draw because she cannot face up to things.
Mum has locked her debit card because she cannot remember her pin no and my brother has organised another one to be sent to her but she has lost it. I am now worried that when I take her shopping she will not be able to pay for it. This week I got her shopping for her and she gave me £40 cash towards it because that was all she had in her purse.
Mum's garden is now getting overgrown and she wants me to organise a gardener for her and that she will pay me. I am reluctant to do this because when I ask her for money she never has any. She already owes me money for shopping. Most of the time she forgets anyway that she owes me money. I organise for her to have a paper every day so that she know the date and I pay that for her and try to get the money back later.
I have mentioned the problem with the garden to my brother but he says that it is mum's garden and tells me 'to let it grow up to the windowsill' I tell him that the neighbours might complain and he has told me to tell the neighbours that 'it's mum's lawn'. However, he has been sorting out the LPA in the hope of trying to persuade mum to let my brother and me have access to some money to pay for a cleaner, gardener and handyman for mum. However, my brother says that if mum doesn't agree, then there is not much we can do about it.
I am not sure that mum can write cheques now and I am really worried about her eyesight because she cannot read very well and she says her left eye is blurred and her eyes hurt sometimes. It could be her Glaucoma or Alz. She has been given eye drops but she forgets to take them although my brother and me constantly remind her.
We have tried to speaking to mum's GP but mum has threatened to change her GP because she does not like her current one. I have managed to find out the name of mum's optical consultant's secretary from mum's GP to find out when mum's next appointment is. I took mum to hospital last week to see her consultant but when we got there the appointment had been cancelled due to 'patient illness'. Another appointment has been made for 4 May but I can't go to this and so I have had to ask my brother who is not very happy about this. He has contacted mum's consultant to find out why the appointment was cancelled and apparently mum had done it but we don't know why.
I saw mum today to try and find out whether she has received the LPA certificate from the solicitors, has she received the new pin number from her bank so that we can change it so that she can use her debit card and to check if she is still taking her eye drops. Mum had no idea what I was talking about. I told her that I could not take her to her appointment in May for her eyes and that my brother was going to do it. Mum refused this saying that she didn't want him to take her and that she would go on her own.
So, there is no LPA certificate for my brother to ask mum to agree for us to have access to her funds, it is unlikely that she will remember to go to hospital in May and she cannot use her debit card to get money for food.
Tomorrow, after I have taken mum shopping, I have to help mum contact her solicitor to find out where the LPA certificate is and then let my brother know. I then will have to wait for my brother to next visit to persuade mum to allow access to her money to pay for things like food, gardening, cleaning ect.
To be honest, I am really fed up and I don't know what to do.
I am going away this weekend and frankly I can't wait! I am sure mum will be fine because she will have enough food to live on but I am worried that this will all collapse one day and land firmly on my shoulders.
Has anyone any advice, ideas....?
If you havn't then thank you for taking the time to read this.
I don't have enough money to pay for things for myself, let alone for mum too. The stupid thing is she has a vast amount of savings but won't let anyone have access because she doesn't trust anyone. My brother won't put his hand in his pocket to help either.