1. Noone

    Noone Registered User

    Mar 12, 2007
    How do you deal with accusations?

    My lady has sat and cried and told me she is scared, and wants to move so he cant find her, that she would rather die than go through this horror, she wants it to stop, she doesnt want him to touch her anymore. When he hugs her she stiffens up and looks really anxious....

    The problem is, he - is my Dad.

    And in the past he did hit my mother and was an angry man and I did experience his wrath, and he did indeed scare me a lot too.

    I am trying to remain neutral, and I have told her grown up children everything she has told me, and that Dad isnt a very tolerant man...but I havent gone into detail about his past, as it was oodles of years ago, and he has changed a heck of a lot since....

    And I know AD sufferers can exaggerate situations and say things that dont happen...but I believe my ladys feelings are real...

    Its is soooooo hard....arrgh! help!
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Don`t know what to say, Noone.
    Is it possible this is a long term memory coming back. So many sufferers recall memories of long ago as if they were recent.
    All you can really do is be as observant as possible and if things do get worse, confront your dad.
    Take care
  3. Zadok

    Zadok Registered User

    Mar 15, 2006
    I can't help in this case, except to say that my mum (who hasAZ) said some things about her dad which were horrible and scary.................and he was the gentlest of men. Then I realised she was clutching a Catherine Cookson novel and muttering 'its all in here'.
    We've taken the novels away and nothing has ever been said since.
  4. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    There's no doubt that you're in an extremely difficult situation. On the one hand accusations of this sort are not at all uncommon, with absolutely no foundation. On the other, you know that in the past your father has been capable of violence. Unfortunately, the strain of dealing with someone with any form of dementia could be enough to put even the calmest person over the edge so you have to consider the possibilty that this strain has caused your father to revert to his previous behaviour. Having said that, have you seen any evidence (e.g bruising) to indicate that this might be an on-going problem? I assume you are washing and dressing her so I would think it unlikely that if there was any physical abuse that you could avoid seeing it. There is, of course, other forms of abuse not so obvious: shouting may not leave physical scars but it sure could leave mental ones, or and I'm sorry to say this about your father, sexual abuse could be a possibility.

    From your past posts I seem to recollect that this is your father's long-term girlfriend that you are caring for. You say you've spoken to this woman's grown children: have you confronted your father?

  5. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    the past comes back

    With AD, unfortunately, a person goes back in time. If they had an abusive parent or traumatic situation, that is what they go back to. I shudder to think about what concentration camp victims go through.

    The feelings are real but the situation may or may not. Yes, check for signs of abuse, yes, speak to your father but also remember she may have gone back to an unpleasant time. If it is just the disease, it will pass eventually. In the meantime, I'm afraid your father should try and keep his distance. It will be very difficult all around.

  6. Noone

    Noone Registered User

    Mar 12, 2007
    They have confronted him, and he denies it. There is no bruising that I can see, and I'd like to believe he isnt hitting her at all. I do think that the more withdrawn she is getting from him, showing him no affection, not wanting to cuddle him, and being arguementative, that he is getting more and more agitated, and is most definately arguing back and most likely shouting at her...to which she then translates as hitting her.

    When he came last week, and saw how anxious and upset she was, he asked me what was going on. And I told him that she was scared of him, that she doesnt like him touching her anymore...he seemed quite shocked...I said that perhaps shouting and man-handling wasnt the way forward, and maybe if he apologised it would make things better.

    I am very aware that this might be a memory from another time. It might even be from a film or a book she's read in the past. Thats why Im trying to remain neutral. I also realise that it could very easily be me, that's being complained about too. :(
  7. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Dear Noone

    (By the way, bad user name! You are not a no-one, you are a star to have taken on this caring role!)

    What an awful situation you're in. Your dad is unlikely to admit to hitting your lady, even if it's true. And without seeing it happening, or finding evidence of bruising, you don't know if it's fantasy.

    And as you've realised, there's always the possibility that she could transfer her accusations to you.

    All you can do at the moment is try to distance yourself a little, and see how things work out. Don't get involved in arguments or accusations, just try to keep calm. It's going to be hard I know.

    Keep in touch with us and let us know how you get on.

  8. Noone

    Noone Registered User

    Mar 12, 2007
    Thanks Hazel.
    Re: username - each time I tried to join with a real name, it wasnt accepted as it had been taken...I was just a bit frustrated at the time and I conceeded, decided I'm noone, and registered...:rolleyes:

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