I am new to the site and yesterday I made a mistake and put my message into someone else's, I do apologise, but hope it is right this time. I have been caring for my 94yr old disabled mum who has Dementia. I have had no help from anyone in all these years and now find it is getting very hard to cope. I am ill myself the main problem being my crumbling discs, and I am in a lot of pain, a lot of the time, but I still care for mum in every way and put my ailments to the back of my mind. She has started to become aggressive, both verbally and physically, and as I said in my previous post, when I saw her with 2 pairs of glasses on and tried to help her she screamed out "stop hitting me, stop hitting me". Later she was trying to get out of the front door (I have to keep all doors locked here at all times) in her nighty and slippers with her purse in her hand saying she wanted to go to the shops. When I tried to turn her around on her zimmer frame to get her back to the room she again screamed out "stop hitting me, your are pushing me over, stop hitting me". I am finding it very hard to cope lately, does anyone have the same feeling as me?
Accusations of hitting
- Thread starter Angel3
- Start date
Thanks for your reply. Mum was put on Trazodone 50mg to stop the agitation and aggression that she was having in the evenings and night time, but think you are right I need to ask GP for something to help in the day now as this cannot go on. Well I cannot go on with it I mean. It is so frightening that I just do not know what she is going to do next. Thanks again.
Yes I have done this, the trouble is that I am frightened of what she might do next, in the way of hurting herself I mean. Have had to have paramedics out here on a regular basis lately as she has had so many falls trying to do things that she cannot do. I cannot lift her up so have to send for paramedics. People are telling me that she needs residential care but I just cannot do this to her, I promised my dad on his death bed that I would care for her at home until she dies and never put her into a care home. I cannot break my promise to my dad. I will take your advice and ring our Dementia GP today and see if she can give other medication to calm her in the daytime. Thanks again.
Thank you very much for that, the trouble is I don't seem to get time to think of 'me', I just hope and pray that I never get Dementia because I would not wish this horrendous disease on anyone, it is beyond belief how horrible a disease it is and unless you have had dealings with it I don't think anyone can imagine how awful it is for the patient AND the carer. Many thanks again.
Hi
I'm so sorry you are going through such a hard time.
Years ago when I was talking to my Husband about his Mum (who also had early onset AD) I said to him 'if you get it I will never put you in a home'.
Well, after he advanced so quickly I had no choice.After he was sectioned (3rd time in one year) I was told he needed 24hour care and I could no longer provide it.After looking for a LONG time I found a CH that he has settled in amazingly well.I'm rebuilding my relationship with him in a way. I no longer have to face the aggression/agitation and getting some sleep every night is not such a bad thing either!
What I'm trying to say is that sometimes promises are given and you try your hardest to keep them-but sometimes you can't foresee that it's an impossible task.
Please take care of yourself.
Love from Lyn T
I'm so sorry you are going through such a hard time.
Years ago when I was talking to my Husband about his Mum (who also had early onset AD) I said to him 'if you get it I will never put you in a home'.
Well, after he advanced so quickly I had no choice.After he was sectioned (3rd time in one year) I was told he needed 24hour care and I could no longer provide it.After looking for a LONG time I found a CH that he has settled in amazingly well.I'm rebuilding my relationship with him in a way. I no longer have to face the aggression/agitation and getting some sleep every night is not such a bad thing either!
What I'm trying to say is that sometimes promises are given and you try your hardest to keep them-but sometimes you can't foresee that it's an impossible task.
Please take care of yourself.
Love from Lyn T
Thank you so much for that. I am, yet again, in tears here as I know what you are saying is right, but I just cannot do it at this moment in time. My GP says that I must look on her as a 'demented stranger' and not as the mum I once knew and loved, but that is also hard to do. Thank you for your help.
In all honesty you have already kept your promise to your Dad as you Mum isn't there anymore. The shell that looks like her is there but inside where it counts, where the real mum was, there is dementia and not mum. You promised your Dad to care for her perhaps it might be time to accept that in order to care for her she needs more than you can give her.
I am sure you Dad would not want you to be ill, to be in pain and having to care for your Mum. Ask yourself if your Dad was here now, and knew what you were going through, what would he say to you as things are today?
Hi, I'm so sorry for this awful situation in which you find yourself. It is simply the hardest thing in the world to contemplate, I know, I came on here begging people to give me any other solution than putting my dad into a nursing home. There wasn't another solution. My mum cared for him for 8 years, with help from my sister and myself, but Mum has developed some serious health issues of her own and Dad suddenly lost his mobility. I was prepared to move into their place to help but it would still not help Mum enough. He has been in a home for 2 weeks and I was thoroughly devastated but he was still a sweet man who just couldn't do anything any more. Today he seems to have dramatically changed and it is such a horrible thing to experience.
My sister called our decision to sacrifice our dad in order to preserve our mum, our triage. Mum has quality of life left, just as you do, and Dad is lost, we have to protect Mum from any further decline, and I think you may need to consider this difficult decision too. It is such an emotional roller coaster, loaded with guilt and self-recrimination, but I have now found out it was necessary.
I hope you can get the help you need and can step outside of your situation long enough to see what is best for you, whatever that may be.
Stephanie, xxx
My sister called our decision to sacrifice our dad in order to preserve our mum, our triage. Mum has quality of life left, just as you do, and Dad is lost, we have to protect Mum from any further decline, and I think you may need to consider this difficult decision too. It is such an emotional roller coaster, loaded with guilt and self-recrimination, but I have now found out it was necessary.
I hope you can get the help you need and can step outside of your situation long enough to see what is best for you, whatever that may be.
Stephanie, xxx
Hi Angel3,
Does your mum have a social worker at all or a community psychiatric nurse? If so it may be an idea to ringtone CPN and explain what is happening re aggression and ask for them and a social worker to come and visit. There are befriending services in place whereby someone would come and sit with mum for maybe an hour a week so you get a little time to yourself, this was offered to dad when mum was getting a little hard to handle. Maybe they could help find mum a day centre to go to once or twice a week, again to help you have a break. Mum may be reluctant to these things to start off with but with my mum we were (although we didn't get this far) going to go with her on the first few occasions, then spend half the time there the next visit, then maybe a cuppa the next visit and each time give her longer and longer there by herself, purely so she didn't just feel abandoned.
It's just a thought but I would try and speak to social services and see what help you can get. Have you had a carers assessment done at all?
Take care
Sharon x x
Does your mum have a social worker at all or a community psychiatric nurse? If so it may be an idea to ringtone CPN and explain what is happening re aggression and ask for them and a social worker to come and visit. There are befriending services in place whereby someone would come and sit with mum for maybe an hour a week so you get a little time to yourself, this was offered to dad when mum was getting a little hard to handle. Maybe they could help find mum a day centre to go to once or twice a week, again to help you have a break. Mum may be reluctant to these things to start off with but with my mum we were (although we didn't get this far) going to go with her on the first few occasions, then spend half the time there the next visit, then maybe a cuppa the next visit and each time give her longer and longer there by herself, purely so she didn't just feel abandoned.
It's just a thought but I would try and speak to social services and see what help you can get. Have you had a carers assessment done at all?
Take care
Sharon x x
Hi Angel, I know you made a promise to your dad, but as others have said, he couldn't have known how bad it would get.
If your back gives out under the strain, you will be physically unable to care for your mum by yourself anyway.
If your mum was in a Care Home, you would still be caring for her, but the donkey work would be done by someone else. There are good CHs out there, & you've got nothing to lose by just enquiring.
When your dad made his request to you, he wouldn't have wanted you to collapse under the burden, that benefits no-one.
Be kind to yourself
Lin x
If your back gives out under the strain, you will be physically unable to care for your mum by yourself anyway.
If your mum was in a Care Home, you would still be caring for her, but the donkey work would be done by someone else. There are good CHs out there, & you've got nothing to lose by just enquiring.
When your dad made his request to you, he wouldn't have wanted you to collapse under the burden, that benefits no-one.
Be kind to yourself
Lin x
I agree with what everyone has said about your promise to your dad, he can't possibly have known how bad it would be and that your health would suffer so much. You have done brilliantly so far.
having said that I would like to tell you that my mum was very aggressive and looking after her was extremely difficult for months (my dad is her main carer). She was eventually prescribed antipsychotic medication which completely stopped the aggression and meant that dad was able to continue to have her live at home with him - it was becoming really impossible before.
the other thing my dad does is to have regular respite, when mum goes to a very good (not flash but very caring and loving) specialist dementia home for two weeks and then is at home with him for five weeks. She also goes to daycare twice a week. This does not mean that she has been put in a home - she just goes on a break. While she is there she gets her hair done and her nails painted and her chiropody sorted out etc etc. Would that be something you would consider?
having said that I would like to tell you that my mum was very aggressive and looking after her was extremely difficult for months (my dad is her main carer). She was eventually prescribed antipsychotic medication which completely stopped the aggression and meant that dad was able to continue to have her live at home with him - it was becoming really impossible before.
the other thing my dad does is to have regular respite, when mum goes to a very good (not flash but very caring and loving) specialist dementia home for two weeks and then is at home with him for five weeks. She also goes to daycare twice a week. This does not mean that she has been put in a home - she just goes on a break. While she is there she gets her hair done and her nails painted and her chiropody sorted out etc etc. Would that be something you would consider?
A big thank you to all of you who have replied to my post, I feel a lot better with all of the very kind comments. I did take the advice and rang mum's Dementia GP and her Care nurse and was shocked at the fact that they insisted on coming straight out to see us. After a tremendously tearful discussion with them, they have convinced me that my health is not good enough to care for mum at the moment (I can hardly walk with my back) and so have arranged for mum to go into a placement this afternoon, just for the weekend at first. It pains me so much to know that this is now happening, but I do appreciate that my dad would be horrified if he could see the state I am in at moment and therefore would also want this to happen. They are collecting mum at 1.30 this afternoon and have said that if she is happy there over the weekend then on Monday we will all have a chat to decide on whether it will be good for her and me on a long term basis. When they told mum, it was wonderful to hear how they put it to her, saying that she has had no communication with the outside world for 3 years and would'nt it be lovely if they took her on a little holiday for a while, where she can chat with others of her own age and with her ailments. These professionals certainly know how to do their stuff.
Many thanks again to all of you, I am so glad that I joined your Forum last night, and I will keep in touch with updates.
That is such good news, and isn't it wonderful when the authorities do as they should? It makes such a difference. I'm glad you will get a little rest and time to think through your next step, enjoy.
Stephanie, xxx
Stephanie, xxx
So quickly that is fantastic news and please if you start to feel guilty, just read these posts again and again.
Now then what will do you with yourself for the weekend?
Very well done.
Gather your strength over the weekend and view the situation on Monday. Excellent news.
Take care Lyn T
Gather your strength over the weekend and view the situation on Monday. Excellent news.
Take care Lyn T
That is brilliant that they have acted so quickly. Mum will be o.k. and well cared for.
I was in the exact same position as you with spinal stenosis (now can barely walk without pain) so I had to let mum go into care a couple of years ago, it is an awful decision to have to make but in the end I am sure you will accept that it is in yours and your mums best interest.
I hope all goes well for you both and take some time out now for looking after your own health (I left it too long in making the big decision and ended up in hospital) so don't let this happen to you.
Thinking of you.
Sunbell
I was in the exact same position as you with spinal stenosis (now can barely walk without pain) so I had to let mum go into care a couple of years ago, it is an awful decision to have to make but in the end I am sure you will accept that it is in yours and your mums best interest.
I hope all goes well for you both and take some time out now for looking after your own health (I left it too long in making the big decision and ended up in hospital) so don't let this happen to you.
Thinking of you.
Sunbell
