Accepting a diagnosis

[crouchie]

Hi, I have just joined Talking Point. My 86 year old mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's around 2 years ago. She is still able to live in her own flat with help from my husband and I, day centres and social care. She is on medication and it has thankfully slowed down the decline although my main concern is how to help her accept she has the condition. She will NOT accept it even though she takes medication, has regular memory tests at hospital etc. I am thinking of writing to her to help but want to know if anyone has approached this and if it worked. I am going to ask her GP to talk to her too. She could have so much more help if she would just accept the diagnosis. I believe she is scared it would mean moving into a home something she is deeply scared about but can't or won't see with more help she would be able to stay in her own home for longer. I look forward to any advice, tips or insight anyone may have. Thanks

 

[Fed Up]

This is the worst because you can't accept something if you can't remember it. Any agreement is merely window dressing as perception goes so I'd just give up and stop trying you'll only wear yourself out and upset yourself.
Understanding is difficult and sometimes its easier to just accept what you can't change. I'm so sorry and think as the situation changes you have to make the decisions, much as your mum did for you when you were young. 86 year old children is not meant to be condescending just that when we were children we were told that fire burned but a guard was put across just in case, we now say that cooking can burn you and meals on wheels are coming and remove the main fuse just in case.
Getting help is hard enough and you might have to be a bit inventive I was, the carers were friends dropping which in way to her they were. And she accepted that her friends would make her tea and get her medications. Now my mum is in a great CH but still thinks after a year that she is on holiday. Thats fine she is in a way, as her bed is made, food is great and she has a nice view. In her mind sometimes she is still in her house and that is dateable to 20 years ago, so just accept that she can't or won't accept the diagnosis and as you sound so caring do what you know to be right and hopefully all will be well.
In short after 2 years I'd give up and my experience well my mum never accepted she had Paranoid Psychosis, even though she took medication for over 20 years and went to clinic etc etc, but she was just fine and nothing ever wrong with her.

 

[Witzend]

It's very hard, but I do agree with Fed Up. Even if your mum accepted what you said, it's all too likely that she would forget again very quickly so you would have to go through the same thing over and over and drive yourself mad.

I know all too well how frustrating it is when you simply cannot get someone with dementia to understand or accept something. There is often mention of being in denial, but personally, past a certain stage I think it's more that the person simply can't remember at any given time that they can't do this or that any more. Hard though it is, you just have to do or arrange whatever is necessary and tell whatever fibs you need to, to smooth things over.

 

[LYN T]

Hi

In my Husband's case he was never told he had AD.This decision was with the agreement of his Consultant as Pete also has Bi-polar and we were worried about the effects on him.

If I told him now (severe stage) he would possibly have a moment of pure anguish (If he could understand) and then promptly forget.In effect each time I told him I'd feel I was being cruel.

Is your Mum refusing help? Is this why you want her GP to talk to her?

Take care

Lyn T

 

[FifiMo]

Hiya Couchir,

There is no need for your mum to be told anything, in fact, if she is in denial then there is a risk that paranoia sets in and she refuses to take the medication and blames you for everything. So, my advice would be to back off, let her think its vitamins she is taking and agree with what she says.

There are 2 main reasons for getting a diagnosis. 1. To get access to any medication that may help. You have done this. 2. To get access to support services. This you have also achieved. Having done that, management of the disease then comes down to dealing with the symptoms as and when they arise. This is the challenging part as they are not always things that can be managed by prescribing a pill but need someone to think of some practical ways to help. None of this needs your mum to know she has dementia and can be explained away by saying it is old age setting in or something like that.

You might find this thread useful as it explains ways that we can tweak how we communicate with someone who has dementia. http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired.

Fiona