I have no idea what to do. Sorry for the long background story.
My mother has always been verbally abusive, manipulative and neglectful. I have very few childhood memories of her due to extreme trauma. I am an only child so nobody to fill in the blanks and my father was a compulsive liar and king of gaslighting. However, he was my hero when I was a child and I always hated my mother. He died a few years ago and the extent of his lies became apparent. I've never shared these with my mum because he was also her hero.
I emigrated ten years ago to escape their controlling and toxic behaviour but have never confronted them about it. When my first child was born I just emotionally shutdown from them in the realisation of what parental love looks like and how abnormal their treatment was. Before I became a mum I just thought I was the problem and unlovable.
Since Dad died, Mum has lost her sounding board and so every time I ring she lets off steam at me and mostly I just let her. If she becomes verbally abusive I will stand up for myself but then I she immediately turns into the victim and I don't love her or do anything for her.
She is awaiting a diagnosis but I have spoken with her GP who is pretty sure she has dementia. She forgot to go to the appointment for the diagnosis, which she believes is to work out if anti-anxiety medication that caused memory loss can be reversed. She is obsessed that the doctors made a mistake leaving her on the medication too long and wants compensation so that she can pay for a live-in carer for life. She is 75 so even if the tablets caused this, I'm not sure what sort of settlement she is expecting.
She has been hospitalised three times in her life for her nerves... Basically been sectioned but it is always someone else's fault and she never admits anything is wrong.
I was in a huge car crash and having CBT for PTSD and both my therapists have advised I cut contact with my mother because of her treatment of me and how it is contributing to the PTSD. But I can't. She is completely alone. She has one childhood friend and one new friend from church.
Clearly my Dad protected me from the extremes of her behaviour and now there is nobody but me. As the dementia is becoming more obvious, her appalling verbal abuse is worse and worse. She has always been unpredictable and I have to talk myself down from panic attacks before I ring her in case she is horrible to me. She is generally ok because I don't engage and just let her rant and sympathise about all the people she wants to badmouth.
But what should I do now she is going downhill? I've offered to have her live with us but thank Goodness she hates my husband so refused, also because "you know you have no patience. You couldn't put up with me living there."
She drives extremely dangerously and has had three bumps in the last year but I am not strong enough to be honest with her that she needs to give up driving.
She repeatedly tells me she wishes she was dead. This is a weekly comment since my Dad died. Today she said this and then added "you'd be happy then because you'd have all the money!" This isn't true because her and Dad told me that they've changed their will so my children inherit everything, supposedly to protect me from my husband taking it all. We've been together nearly twenty years so he is clearly very invested on getting his hands on their two bed bungalow!!
I am emotionally exhausted and I don't know what to do to help her from a distance while protecting my mental health. She has given financial and health power of attorney to a solicitor because I live away and so she has nobody else. So realistically I'm not sure what I could do anyway.
Everyone tells me that she is lucky I bother at all given her behaviour. But I feel awful that she clearly has had mental health problems all her adult life and it isn't her fault. But that doesn't stop the hurt when she is nasty. I'm scared how much more abusive she may get with the dementia.
I don't love her like someone should love their mum. I just keep in touch out of duty. I know that makes me an awful person and she deserves genuine affection in her later years. Is there anyway I can help and protect myself?
Any advice or even cold hard judgement to give me a wake up call, gratefully received. Thank you!
My mother has always been verbally abusive, manipulative and neglectful. I have very few childhood memories of her due to extreme trauma. I am an only child so nobody to fill in the blanks and my father was a compulsive liar and king of gaslighting. However, he was my hero when I was a child and I always hated my mother. He died a few years ago and the extent of his lies became apparent. I've never shared these with my mum because he was also her hero.
I emigrated ten years ago to escape their controlling and toxic behaviour but have never confronted them about it. When my first child was born I just emotionally shutdown from them in the realisation of what parental love looks like and how abnormal their treatment was. Before I became a mum I just thought I was the problem and unlovable.
Since Dad died, Mum has lost her sounding board and so every time I ring she lets off steam at me and mostly I just let her. If she becomes verbally abusive I will stand up for myself but then I she immediately turns into the victim and I don't love her or do anything for her.
She is awaiting a diagnosis but I have spoken with her GP who is pretty sure she has dementia. She forgot to go to the appointment for the diagnosis, which she believes is to work out if anti-anxiety medication that caused memory loss can be reversed. She is obsessed that the doctors made a mistake leaving her on the medication too long and wants compensation so that she can pay for a live-in carer for life. She is 75 so even if the tablets caused this, I'm not sure what sort of settlement she is expecting.
She has been hospitalised three times in her life for her nerves... Basically been sectioned but it is always someone else's fault and she never admits anything is wrong.
I was in a huge car crash and having CBT for PTSD and both my therapists have advised I cut contact with my mother because of her treatment of me and how it is contributing to the PTSD. But I can't. She is completely alone. She has one childhood friend and one new friend from church.
Clearly my Dad protected me from the extremes of her behaviour and now there is nobody but me. As the dementia is becoming more obvious, her appalling verbal abuse is worse and worse. She has always been unpredictable and I have to talk myself down from panic attacks before I ring her in case she is horrible to me. She is generally ok because I don't engage and just let her rant and sympathise about all the people she wants to badmouth.
But what should I do now she is going downhill? I've offered to have her live with us but thank Goodness she hates my husband so refused, also because "you know you have no patience. You couldn't put up with me living there."
She drives extremely dangerously and has had three bumps in the last year but I am not strong enough to be honest with her that she needs to give up driving.
She repeatedly tells me she wishes she was dead. This is a weekly comment since my Dad died. Today she said this and then added "you'd be happy then because you'd have all the money!" This isn't true because her and Dad told me that they've changed their will so my children inherit everything, supposedly to protect me from my husband taking it all. We've been together nearly twenty years so he is clearly very invested on getting his hands on their two bed bungalow!!
I am emotionally exhausted and I don't know what to do to help her from a distance while protecting my mental health. She has given financial and health power of attorney to a solicitor because I live away and so she has nobody else. So realistically I'm not sure what I could do anyway.
Everyone tells me that she is lucky I bother at all given her behaviour. But I feel awful that she clearly has had mental health problems all her adult life and it isn't her fault. But that doesn't stop the hurt when she is nasty. I'm scared how much more abusive she may get with the dementia.
I don't love her like someone should love their mum. I just keep in touch out of duty. I know that makes me an awful person and she deserves genuine affection in her later years. Is there anyway I can help and protect myself?
Any advice or even cold hard judgement to give me a wake up call, gratefully received. Thank you!
