Abuse of appointeeship

[Noorza]

Me too. I hate confrontation. Especially when you know that all you're going to get are more lies. xx

He's a compulsive gambler who would rob his own demented mother. This may be a bit whacky but it really helped me. I went to meetings at Gamblers Anonymous (about my ex husband not my brother) to get ex help and save the marriage. (Can't be done I know now) but the gamblers have a meeting and their friends and family are in the other room, they were brilliant, really put me wise.

It might be an idea to go to a couple of GA friends and family meetings just to find out what they're capable of. I might actually take my own advice and go to a meeting with my situation now, see what they think.

So far as I am concerned the more perspectives the better.

 

[leslee]

My mam became paranoid when she had dementia. She used to accuse my dad of stealing her art stuff. Then it was me stealing her pan lids and tupperware. Eventually she accused my brother of stealing her money and I didn't believe her! I suppose it might be coincidence that those accusations were made. But she also wouldn't open the door when i went to her house at times and used to scream at me down the phone. Every time I managed to get a key to her house the locks were changed. And now I'm wondering if it's me that is paranoid as I'm linking all of this to my brother trying to isolate her

 

[leslee]

He's a compulsive gambler who would rob his own demented mother. This may be a bit whacky but it really helped me. I went to meetings at Gamblers Anonymous (about my ex husband not my brother) to get ex help and save the marriage. (Can't be done I know now) but the gamblers have a meeting and their friends and family are in the other room, they were brilliant, really put me wise.

It might be an idea to go to a couple of GA friends and family meetings just to find out what they're capable of. I might actually take my own advice and go to a meeting with my situation now, see what they think.

So far as I am concerned the more perspectives the better.

Thanks, I might do this and take my brother's ex with me. He has left her with a shed load of problems as well.

 

[Noorza]

My mam became paranoid when she had dementia. She used to accuse my dad of stealing her art stuff. Then it was me stealing her pan lids and tupperware. Eventually she accused my brother of stealing her money and I didn't believe her! I suppose it might be coincidence that those accusations were made. But she also wouldn't open the door when i went to her house at times and used to scream at me down the phone. Every time I managed to get a key to her house the locks were changed. And now I'm wondering if it's me that is paranoid as I'm linking all of this to my brother trying to isolate her

Of course it was, what if you went in and opened her mail? Saw the bank account, the missing money.

Compulsive Gamblers are extremely devious.

 

[Noorza]

My mam became paranoid when she had dementia. She used to accuse my dad of stealing her art stuff. Then it was me stealing her pan lids and tupperware. Eventually she accused my brother of stealing her money and I didn't believe her! I suppose it might be coincidence that those accusations were made. But she also wouldn't open the door when i went to her house at times and used to scream at me down the phone. Every time I managed to get a key to her house the locks were changed. And now I'm wondering if it's me that is paranoid as I'm linking all of this to my brother trying to isolate her

I learned so much from them it was unreal, it also makes everything become clear. While I was blaming myself for not being able to make my then husband happy, they told me that Compulsive gamblers deliberately start arguments over the smallest thing, so they can storm out of the house to the pub and the bookie.

When I found this site I felt I fitted, people understood, they weren't friends, they were strangers who understood my situation better than my family did. It was a huge relief. GP is a part of solving the puzzle along with sites like this when the thieviing narcissists are in the family and financially abusing our loved ones.

Leslee, he hasn't given a tu'penny stuff that you can't get the finances as its stuck in probate, CG's are the epitomy of selfishness. It's not that they don't care it's they care about their addiction more.

 

[leslee]

I've had him down as a selfish misogynist with psychopathic traits. It's the total charm that throws people. His mates all think he's some sort of saint but he's walked all over his family x

 

[Noorza]

I've had him down as a selfish misogynist with psychopathic traits. It's the total charm that throws people. His mates all think he's some sort of saint but he's walked all over his family x

It's how they get away with it for so long. It's more common than you think, our brother's could be twins.

 

[Nix]

Triplets

Add model good looks to the charm and it's how mine gets away with it.

 

[Noorza]

Triplets

Add model good looks to the charm and it's how mine gets away with it.

I've got you there Nix, but it can only last for so long.

 

[leslee]

My brother's charm is in his cheeky, jack the lad personna. He certainly doesn't have model good looks, just the gift of the gab x

 

[garnuft]

My brother is a handsome charmer, he's never robbed my Mam.
He beat his wife and children and went with anything with a pulse, he's introduced us to more new partners than Hugh Heffner's housekeeper.
And he beat and was unfaithful to all of them too, his last wife used to ring me and plead with me to keep schtum.

His issues are that there really is nothing wrong with her, more time needs to be spent with her.....if she had more stimulation, dementia would be held at bay.

I refer to him to my sister as the Silverback...but that's an insult to Gorillas.

He flung a pint of lager in my face last time I saw him, 1st July 2012, he's seen Mam once since then.
He is her favourite child.
She misses him.
She knows nothing of his drunken antics.

I hated him and grieved for our lost relationship to the extent it tore me up.
I have to remind myself almost every day not to think about him, I loved him too.
He is such a negative, overbearing, violent man....there is no place for him in my life.

He took up too much of my energy, my heart still aches but when Mam dies...it's over.

 

[Noorza]

My brother is a handsome charmer, he's never robbed my Mam.
He beat his wife and children and went with anything with a pulse, he's introduced us to more new partners than Hugh Heffner's housekeeper.
And he beat and was unfaithful to all of them too, his last wife used to ring me and plead with me to keep schtum.

His issues are that there really is nothing wrong with her, more time needs to be spent with her.....if she had more stimulation, dementia would be held at bay.

I refer to him to my sister as the Silverback...but that's an insult to Gorillas.

He flung a pint of lager in my face last time I saw him, 1st July 2012, he's seen Mam once since then.
He is her favourite child.
She misses him.

She knows nothing of his drunken antics.
I hated him and grieved for our lost relationship to the extent it tore me up.
I have to remind myself almost every day not to think about him, I loved him too.
He is such a negative, overbearing, violent man....there is no place for him in my life.

He took up too much of my energy, my heart still aches but when Mam dies...it's over.

I so understand, I've had to do the same thing.

 

[leslee]

I so understand, I've had to do the same thing.

Me too. I feel like I've lost my brother as well as mt Mam

 

[Noorza]

Me too. I feel like I've lost my brother as well as mt Mam

G'morning. I think our body clocks must be on the same timer. I had a really tough year I was losing Mum, but lost my sister and a brother too. I really felt like it was like a bereavement. They were both executors on my will to look after my son if anything happened to me since my divorce.

I had to go and change that as they are the two people in the world I now distrust the most.

This thread has taught me something else I didn't know, that if we losed mum and there are unexplained withdrawals (as there are thanks to brother) these have to be explained.

Thank goodness there are laws in place to catch people like our relatives. It's a shame they don't seem to realise it until it is too late.

 

[Nix]

Oh garnuft

I don't ever feel that I've had a 'brother' if that makes sense, sounds really awful I know. All mine has ever done is fill my life full of complications and aggro on so many levels. The financial side of things is just the icing on the cake of despair really.
I feel as if I've spent most of my life feeling sorry for my parents as he's caused them so much grief.
We lost mum 4 years ago and he was unbelievable around the time of her funeral. He stopped answering his phone after we'd organised the funeral because he knew he had no intention of contributing anything towards it. Mum had no life insurance so I ended up paying for it all. He came to the funeral directors though and made sure mum had the coffin he wanted and 2 extra cars. A very dear friend of the family (his godmother) did all the flowers at a reduced rate. He ordered the most lavish floral tributes and his girlfriend did as well and then never paid for them. I ended up having to foot that bill as well. He spent the whole funeral looking ghastly and everyone was really worried about him. I honestly think he was just dreading the moment that I was going to ask him for some money
Obviously this just my side of the story but he has had such a negative effect on my life that it makes me angry.

 

[Jaycee23]

Reading all the comments on this thread shows the frustrations some families go through and believe you me if you read some of my threads I have very much gone through this too. I was not going to comment at all as I felt that when you come on here you soon realise that TP's become bored and you get very little feed back. I know that what my siblings were doing to me and mum was destroying my life and I was allowing it taking all the spite and venom and not allowing it to affect my mum but it was deeply affecting me. I truly know what you are all experiencing and my heart goes out to you and we will never find a solution as there isn't one. I have basically shut my family out. Their threats and aggression forced me to give up the POA (which was joint with my sister) and the guilt of that was tremendous. All the relevant services agreed and accepted my brother was narcistic and trouble but what do they do, sweet FA! excuse my language. A lot of them are scared of dealing with people like this. I have since discovered that my sister is applying for Deputyship. I know she will not get it as when we were joint I was in contact with them about her restricting me acting in mum's best interests and she would not have anything to do with me and would not help and every thing that involved spending money on mum for care she would try and stop. It is so easy when you get started on all the troubles we go through but I will stop as I am sick of it going round my head. I do think that you need to get the police very involved for your own sakes as some people always come up top and get away with it and if you dont get there first then you will be the one worse off. Please do not be blackmailed into putting up with it for your mum or dads sake as you must act in their best interest and not get emotionally involved which I know is hard but while you do they are getting all they want. I do what I can for my mum for my mum alone and will not be someone my siblings can walk on and try and destroy my life ever again. I have no contact with them at all and never will. My mum has made us executors to her will!! This will mean that I will have to appoint a solicitor to deal with my role as I would rather do that than look at them ever again. Please take care of yourselves.

 

[leslee]

Reading all the comments on this thread shows the frustrations some families go through and believe you me if you read some of my threads I have very much gone through this too. I was not going to comment at all as I felt that when you come on here you soon realise that TP's become bored and you get very little feed back. I know that what my siblings were doing to me and mum was destroying my life and I was allowing it taking all the spite and venom and not allowing it to affect my mum but it was deeply affecting me. I truly know what you are all experiencing and my heart goes out to you and we will never find a solution as there isn't one. I have basically shut my family out. Their threats and aggression forced me to give up the POA (which was joint with my sister) and the guilt of that was tremendous. All the relevant services agreed and accepted my brother was narcistic and trouble but what do they do, sweet FA! excuse my language. A lot of them are scared of dealing with people like this. I have since discovered that my sister is applying for Deputyship. I know she will not get it as when we were joint I was in contact with them about her restricting me acting in mum's best interests and she would not have anything to do with me and would not help and every thing that involved spending money on mum for care she would try and stop. It is so easy when you get started on all the troubles we go through but I will stop as I am sick of it going round my head. I do think that you need to get the police very involved for your own sakes as some people always come up top and get away with it and if you dont get there first then you will be the one worse off. Please do not be blackmailed into putting up with it for your mum or dads sake as you must act in their best interest and not get emotionally involved which I know is hard but while you do they are getting all they want. I do what I can for my mum for my mum alone and will not be someone my siblings can walk on and try and destroy my life ever again. I have no contact with them at all and never will. My mum has made us executors to her will!! This will mean that I will have to appoint a solicitor to deal with my role as I would rather do that than look at them ever again. Please take care of yourselves.

That's terribly sad Jaycee! This is becoming such a depressing thread that I think it's worth remembering that people like our siblings are few and far between. It's just that they have such a massive impact on others.

My brother also took on a poor me role at Mam's funeral. He sat with his friends, well away from me and my other brother at the wake. This was because he knew that we were onto him by then (although we had no idea of the extent of his deceit). But he played the caring, ostracised son well

 

[Jaycee23]

Yes you can choose your friends but not your family unfortunately. At my dad's funeral my brother sat with my mum and distant Aunt and a couple of polite cousins but everyone else sat at my table including all my brothers children from various mothers (will add that they were all nice mothers and all relationships with my brother were very short) even his daughter he had not seen for 21 years and was introduced to him via his eldest daughter but he tried to fob her off as he was with his girlfriend from the Philipines who had not been told about her. My mum who has dementia was very frail and vulnerable at that time and I just could not protect her and it was devastating at the time. People think you are the one that is a problem if you say anything negative about them as they act so charming. Well he has been found out now as all the SS and Nursing home are well aware of him now and do not like him one bit! Thank goodness we can choose who we want to spend time with as we are older. I have some fantastic friends who support me and always there for me. The social worker actually said to me yesterday that during an assesment with mum recently my mum told her my brother bullies me and always has and that is coming from someone who is very ill but from day one she has consistently said that. She has not forgotten that!

That's terribly sad Jaycee! This is becoming such a depressing thread that I think it's worth remembering that people like our siblings are few and far between. It's just that they have such a massive impact on others.

My brother also took on a poor me role at Mam's funeral. He sat with his friends, well away from me and my other brother at the wake. This was because he knew that we were onto him by then (although we had no idea of the extent of his deceit). But he played the caring, ostracised son well

 

[Norfolkgirl]

Nix, it has crossed my mind that my brother may have psychological problems. His behaviour is typical of that of a psychopath. Absolute charm, generosity and caring on the outside. Yet devious and manipulative on the inside and a total lack of conscience. Added to which, he honestly doesn't think that he has done anything wrong

My goodness, your brother and mine MUST be twins!

 

[leslee]

I'm phoning action on elder abuse tomorrow about referring all of this to the police. My main worry is that my brother will be found innocent and will then become even more arrogant and insufferable. I have since found that he has also cashed in an insurance policy and a number of out of date cheques that were found when we were sorting through Mam's papers have also vanished. Could he have these cheques transferred over to him as appointee?

I've been reading on another thread that DWP are now allowing appointees to have someone's benefits paid into their personal bank accounts. I'm not saying that everyone is like my brother but surely that is just asking for trouble!

I have calculated that Mam's income bordered on £450 a week. Her current account was virtually empty in Dec 2012. The appointee account has £20 in it and about 6 months of care home fees are owing.