1. noodle31

    noodle31 Registered User

    May 1, 2005
    81
    kent
    mum went to see dad today and was called into see the dr...

    basically he explained that dad had declined over the past few days - we could see that from our visits - that he isnt eating, the nurses are getting him to drink tho.

    but that he wants mum to be prepared because dad might have a collapse sometime in the near future and what did mum wish them to do??

    active resuss or TLC......

    mum wanted one of us there but the dr had a kind chat and explained he needed a decision....

    mum chose TLC

    mum was in a state when she arrived at mine...but to do an active resus with the paddles, tubes, adrenilin injections etc.....that would be too cruel

    i feel i should of been prepared but i feel in shock.....i thought i was ready to hear that news...i thought i was prepared that one day my dad was going to die.

    i am not prepared at all

    what will i do when it happens???

    thank you for listening

    love Jane x
     
  2. blue sea

    blue sea Registered User

    Aug 24, 2005
    270
    England
    Thinking of you

    I don't think any of us is ever 'ready' to cope with our parents dying, even when we know it has to happen and can see it as a release as well as a sadness. I think you just get through these things as best you can - and best has to be good enough! I'm sure you and your mum will support each other when that difficult time comes, however near or postponed it may be.

    Thank you so much for taking the time to welcome me to TP, when you are going through such a difficult time.
     
  3. Nutty Nan

    Nutty Nan Registered User

    Nov 2, 2003
    787
    Buckinghamshire
    Dear Jane,
    What a sad time for you all! I am not surprised you are in shock.
    I really don't know whether it is better to be 'prepared' for such an event, or whether it might be easier to adopt an Ostrich position and kid yourself that things are a little better than they really are ....
    After all, you need to put on a brave face in front of your Dad and your Mum, and hope for the best.
    I hope for you that you will have a little more time to love your Dad.
    Kind thoughts!
     
  4. rummy

    rummy Registered User

    Jul 15, 2005
    700
    Oklahoma,USA
    I'm so sorry Noodle, it is all so very difficult ! When I think of my Mom passing away, I try to envision her walking into the next life like she used to be. Strong, healthy, and with a whole mind. It will break my heart to loose her, but I will rejoice to know she is better, in a better place.
    I hope this insight helps you a little. I lost my Dad when I was 16 years old to cancer. You just never really get over loosing your Daddy.
    Take care,
    Rummy
     
  5. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Dear Jane, is one ever prepared........Yes it is logical that one will lose parents one day.....what is logic.

    You will find strength when the time comes, but until then just live for today and enjoy any blessings, however minute. Thinking of you, Connie
     
  6. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Dear Jane, these decisions are never easy at any time. With an illness such as dementia, already tinged with so much sadness and loss, where we have already been grieving for so long. To let our loved one go, gently, without fear, with love around them, is the last act of kindness we can give them. I think you are right, to put him through resuss would indead be cruel. When my Mum died, she went so peacefully, I am sure she did find peace and become whole again. Although I felt the loss of her dreadfully, I would not have wished her more suffering. You will find the strength to cope, its not easy, but you can find solace in the fact that they are now at peace once more. Your Dad will always be with you, hold him safe in your heart in the days to come. With love, She. XX
     
  7. KarenC

    KarenC Registered User

    Jun 2, 2005
    122
    Los Angeles, USA
    Jane, I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. We may be close to this point with my mom also, although the last few days have been more hopeful. Your decision is good. The impression I've gotten from doctors, nurses, and others who work with the elderly infirm is that for someone at the nursing home stage (for whatever reasons, physical or mental), generally you do not want CPR or feeding tubes. Other treatments -- IVs, antibiotics, oxygen -- may be good to use to keep the person more comfortable, but not the heroic resusitation measures. Take care of yourself.

    Karen
     
  8. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    639
    West Sussex
    Jane

    I know how you must be feeling right now.

    Almost a year ago we had to make the same decision as you, my mum has AD and my dad had a massive stroke out of the blue. We were told there was no hope of a recovery and had to let him go as gently as possible.

    Part of me wanted them to try anything just to keep him with us, but we loved him too much to want him to suffer any longer than he had to.

    We got mum into respite care as she seemed oblivious to all that was going on and spent as much time as we could with dad for his last days, playing his favourite music and telling him we loved him, thanking him for being such a good dad and grandad etc, above all promising to always look after mum for him.
    he fought hard to stay with us but eventually slipped away peacefully.

    Looking back I am glad we had that time with dad,I hope you get the chance to spend time with yours too and take it step by step. I never thought I would cope but I did, and you will too.

    Thinking of you and your mum and dad.
     
  9. noodle31

    noodle31 Registered User

    May 1, 2005
    81
    kent
    Thank you friends for your kind words

    Have spoken to the hospital staff this morning and dad is refusing food and drink, he tries to hit the nurses when they try to feed him.

    i wonder if in moments of lucidity he has decided himself that enough is enough and is trying to starve himself??

    and of course yes he will collapse wont he through kidney failiure and the like... :(

    i want dad out of pain and at peace

    this is awful

    I am so sorry for all of you who have lost parents already.....

    hard lessons to learn in all of this

    thank you again

    love Jane xx
     
  10. KarenC

    KarenC Registered User

    Jun 2, 2005
    122
    Los Angeles, USA
    I have heard anecdotally of cases where even though a person's mind is pretty far gone with dementia, they do seem to make this last decision that it is time for them to go and the way to do it is to stop eating.

    I don't know clinically what happens in most cases. The hospital doctor who attended my mom in her most recent hospitalization said she would "fall asleep." She had gotten quite lethargic when she got dehydrated, so I could see how she might just wake up less and less.

    Karen
     
  11. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Dear Jane, I am off to a funeral tomorrow. Leslie was 92, married 68 years, and, as a friend remarked tonight, was ready to go. He had refused food and drink, being still cared for at home, and yes, I think, in his lucid moments had decided,"enough is enough"
    Not an easy situation to deal with, especially when it involves a Mum or Dad. My thoughts go out to you. Love Connie
     
  12. noodle31

    noodle31 Registered User

    May 1, 2005
    81
    kent
    Thank you to know we are not alone is worth so much....

    love Jane x
     

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