A rather frustrated update

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Kate P, Nov 9, 2007.

  1. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    Haven't been on here for a week and what a week it's been!!

    On the plus side, my daughter had her brain scan and came out of the anaesthetic okay (despite the anaesthetist telling me there's always a chance that things could go wrong - thanks for that, how comforting). Just got to wait for the results now...

    Anyway, as you may remember last time I was on here we'd had a bad weekend with mum and I was struggling to get her an emergency appointment with the GP or consultant or someone!!!

    We saw the GP who said he could do nothing in changing or adding to her medication without the consultants approval.

    The day before our appointment with the consultant my sister and I sent her an e-mail listing all the new things that were happening to try and avoid talking about it in front of mum as she doesn't think there is anything wrong with her and so gets very aggressive.

    Dad was happy with this and thought it was a good idea.

    We get in there and she's discussing some of the things on the list and dad says "oh, it wasn't as bad as that" and "well she only kicked me the once" (a whopper of a lie by the way) and so on. He just denied or played down everything on the list - I've never been so annoyed.

    Given that we were going to take mum into A & E because we didn't know what to do with her how could he do this??!!

    I'm so cross - I can't even express my crossness because the little faces won't work for me today.

    I'm utterly bewildered - on the plus side she gave mum some anti-psychotics so I'm hoping that helps. Why would he do this?

    It frustrates me that he complains about how hard it is and that he can't manage but then when the moment comes when we see someone who could help us he does this.

    My sister wants us to tell him we're not helping him out anymore until he gets his act together but I feel weird about doing that too.

    Any thoughts?
  2. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Dear Kate

    What a week you've had! I hope the results of your daughter's scan are good, and she's going to be fit and well.

    As for your mum, I think it's bad that the consultant didn't respect your confidence. Did your dad have the opportunity to talk to her without your mum there? He might have been more prepared to talk without her there. Jhn's consultant always used to talk to us separately, then together.

    I can understand your dad's reluctance to tell the true story, but he really is putting too much pressure on you.

    I can also understand your reluctance to withdraw support, altogether, but perhaps you could try it for a weekend? You could perhaps say you're going away for a weekend as a treat for your daughter, and if your sister could make a similar excuse, it might be enough to make him think again. You'd both have to leave mobiles behind of course.

    Maybe not an ideal solution, but the only one I can think of at the moment.

  3. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    Sorry I missed that bit off - she did speak to him by himself and sent mum to wait in the waiting room.

    We also had issues because we invited them round to our bonfire party at which friends and my in laws were also going to be. We do invite them anywhere we go because our friends and family are okay at accepting what is going on.

    Two nights before the party dad said he was going to church by himself instead and he would come to eat but then leave mum with us while he went out. I must admit I was not pleased as being asked would have been nice but I said okay.

    On the day I had taken mum out to a church function for the afternoon at which she was slightly aggitated but no more than usual. I dropped her off at home but then about 20 minutes later (about 40 minutes from people arriving for the party) dad rings up in a stinker of a mood asking what I've done as mum is hysterical again. I was less than pleased but still remained calm.

    Next thing she's at the door by herself and sits down crying hysterically much to the distress of my daughter. By this point my sister had arrived who was fuming and she went round to have a go at dad and say he couldn't possibly leave mum with us like this when we were about to have a house full of guests. He said he hadn't realised that she'd left the house.

    He did in the end say he wouldn't go out and would just stay at the party with mum - the hysterics carried on for a while and she eventually calmed down when she realised he wasn't leaving her there.

    I told him that given several incidents that have happened lately she doesn't like being in our houses - both my sister and I have moved since she's been ill and I think she doesn't really know where she is or who we are anymore.

    Dad said this was nonsense and she was just ... (we never get an ending to that sentence). The problem is that he wants her to want to be at our houses because he wants to leave her with us while his life carries on as normal but clearly it isn't what she wants and both our daughters were very affected by seeing their grandma so upset.

    Sorry another long rant...
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Oh dear Kate, don't apologise, I'm not surprised you're upset. Your dad is taking advantage of you, and you really have to get through to him that if he wants to keep your mum at home, it has to be his responsibility.

    If he's not prepared to take on the 24/7 role (and it's not easy), he should be looking at othe possibilities. You have too much on your plate to cope with this.

  5. jude1950

    jude1950 Registered User

    Mar 23, 2006
    HI Kate,
    sorry the visit with the consultant didn't go as expected...you do not mention whether your Mum was also present when the consultant was talking to your Dad ,
    If she was it would have been very difficult for your dad to speak out as your Mum would have been extremely annoyed and agitated with him , and although your mum has AD it was always the case with my husband he would remember in great detail the things you would rather he didn't remember at all!!!

    If you can manage to get to speak with your Dad on his own I would suggest you put the ball in his court and ask him what he would like to see happen with your Mum although he may be finding life difficult with your Mum I suspect he is worried about what the next step may be.Then when you are all agreed on what to do for the best you may be able to move forward.

    Perhaps the new medication may help calm things with your Mum...until then try taking some time out for you and your daughter you have a life to lead as well.
    love Judith
  6. jude1950

    jude1950 Registered User

    Mar 23, 2006
    Hi Kate .
    disregard my last post I must have been writing whilst you were posting!!!
    I would still sit down with your dad and ask him what he is going to do and spell it out that you and your sister cannot for whatever reasons cope with having your Mum there is no shame in saying you cannot cope. In defence of your dad he perhaps cannot cope either and whilst he thinks it is OK for him to assume you and your sister will have your Mum ,until you spell it out for him he maybe doesn't realise how you feel.

  7. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Kate,

    I`m pleased your daughter didn`t suffer from the after effects of her scan and will keep my fingers well and truly crossed for good results.

    Your father`s behaviour is telling me he wants to escape. But it is not fair of him to expect you and your sister to take the responsibility of your mother when you have so much of your own to contend with.

    I`m afraid I would have to be straight with your father. I`d tell him that if he is finding it too much, he must try to get day care for your mother or even consider residential care.

    I wonder if your father feels that `as women` you and your sister find it easier to manage your mother than he does. I don`t think he realizes that the challenges of dementia are a law unto themselves, and cannot be managed by anyone.

    However much you love your mother Kate, her behaviour is too challenging. I too believe that, as you and your sister have recently moved, your homes will be confusing to your mother and your father must accept that. Believe me I have had enough experience of that with Dhiren.

    Be straight with your father Kate. He needs to know.

    Love xx
  8. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    And there you have it, Kate. Hazel's absolutely right - either he accepts the role of carer or he doesn't - he simply cannot expect to push this off onto you and your sister when it suits him. I'm not saying that there shouldn't be an "all pull together" approach going on, because this is your mother and father, but your father's behaviour seems to be going beyond reasonable. He subverts your efforts to obtain more help, while expecting the pair of you to make up the difference.

    I'm with your sister on this. It may feel weird to withdraw your labour, but what else is left? Talking hasn't worked. Also, and I think this is an important point, while it may not be possible (or necessarily desirable) to shield your children from everything, I do not think they should have to see the sort of scenes you describe on a regular basis. As adults we find it difficult enough to deal with such things even knowing it's the disease.

    (P.S. how long will it take them to get the results of the scan back to you?)
  9. sue38

    sue38 Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    Wigan, Lancs
    Just typed a reply and it's disappeared. :confused: Still gremlins in TP but my faces are working :)

    Kate, I totally identify with your post. My mum is just the same, ringing me and my sister to come because she cannot cope with my Dad; he is angry, threatening her, shaking his fists at her; can we take him to the hospital and get him sedated? Then we go to see the consultant and it's 'we're managing very nicely thankyou' What??? I'll say 'what about the time when...' 'Oh...yes... it wasn't that bad and he's OK now' :mad: :mad: :mad:

    So you feel like saying 'OK, but don't bother calling me next time' but of course she does and of course I go and the pattenr repeats itself.

    Why does she do it? I really don't know. Pride? She is very uncomfortable with outsiders knowing 'our business' and is very much 'the show must go on' in public. Maybe she's scared that if she does tell it how it is that my Dad will be sectioned.

    My sister thinks that my parents who have always had a stormy relationship and have had a power struggle for 50+ years (and enjoyed every minute of it) are now using us and especially me in their arguments. It's a bit like siblings saying 'I'll tell mum and then you'll be in BIG TROUBLE' only now it's 'I'll tell Sue and ...etc'

    My Dad used to say 'Kids! We're having no more' now I feel like 'Parents! I'm having no more' but that's the point isn't it? We won't get our parents again.

    Sorry I know that this is of no practical help but just wanted you to know I'm screaming with you.
  10. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Dear Kate,

    I am afraid I identify with this - I do it myself. I finally got a call from Crossroads yesterday to say my referral was at the top of the list and nice lady wanted a few brief details before the assessment .... I found myself muttering, "Well, I don't do that much really ......" :(

    Why? I don't know - pride? Delusion? 1) Because I know I need help but verbalising it / admitting I'm not coping is a different thing ..... 2) delusion - that it's all a big mistake mum's just been depressed and it's all going to go away ........

    I wonder if your dad feels something like I do at times?

    Love, Karen, x

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