A hard descision to make please help

[Softy]

Thankyou Jennifer

Pain relief is my major concern, my Dads comfort is the only important factor that and his quality of life, any other nasty effects of this latest hurdle will be met and dealt with. I do not have a weak stomach anymore after visiting Dad so much you get used to some terrible sights and smells along the way. My Mum is another matter not sure how she will cope she is at the end of her tether with it and not wanting to visit.

 

[gigi]

There are dressings available now which absorb odour.

They have charcoal in them and are very effective.

Pain relief is very sophisticated these days too...pain can be blocked without necessarily causing sedation....

Softy..your mum may change her mind if she knows your dad is comfortable and not in pain.

love gigi xx

 

[jenniferpa]

It is so difficult when a family member won't visit, especially where you can forsee there is only a short window of opportunity. If she really won't go, would it be possible to video a visit so that she can either see how peaceful he is, or in the worse case, she could look at it afterwards? Does she have health issues as well?

 

[Softy]

Jennifer

Yes she is ill herself only came out of hospital a short time ago after a bad chest infection, since coming home she is scared to go out and does not want to drive her car. I do not want to let her dwell on things she spends alot of time alone and is very sad all the time, however if I am too supportive she will give up and she has years of productive life infront of her. I am rallying her friends to come and see her or even take her out as I am visiting Dad twice a day and working full time it does not give me much time for her just now. Its tough dealing with her not wanting to go if I push her she may start to feel guilty and I will not have that she has been an angel looking after dad for as long as she did, but if she doesnt go she will regret it sometimes I feel like my head is gonna burst trying to do the right thing.

 

[jenniferpa]

She does sound as if she's depressed (no wonder really). If she is though, she's unlikely to be able to come out of it on her own. Has she spoken to her doctor about this? Perhaps one of these friends could persuade her to go and talk to someone - I quite see that you have enough on your plate at the moment. Normally, I'm an advocate of letting grief take its course (since I'm sure she's grieving for your father), but it seems that with this potentially short time frame she may need some professional help.

 

[Softy]

She certainly is grieving for Dad has been since he left home and the nature of the illness sunk in. I have mentioned my worries to her Doctor (who is the same as Dads)maybe I can pursuade her to go and see him. They call AD the long goodbye maybe it would be better being called the long torture.

 

[Margaret W]

Iwould try and get some support for your mum at this time. Do you have a sister/brother, cousin, or a niece or nephew of your mum who could sort of "take charge" of your mum while you are sorting out your dad?

It all seems hard work for you so if there is someone who can relieve you, take advantage of their offer.

Love

Margaret

 

[Vonny]

I'm hope you don't mind me replying because I'm new to the the forum and pretty new to AD as well, so it's difficlt for me to comment on the AD aspect. I lost my husband 4 years ago when he lost his battle with alcohol and fell, causing a massive brain haemorrage. My SIL and I had to make the decision to reject surgery (<1% chance of survival, and even less than that of making a recovery) and turn off life support. I was less than sane myself at the time after months of caring for him so afterwards of course, I beat myself up badly for that decision. I'm relating this simply to say if you decide not to have your dad treated, and afterwards feel you've done the wrong thing because your brain was muddled at the time, please don't. Now I don't regret our decision (easier for me as SIL helped make the decision) and am so glad that we didn't do anything to prolong his emotional or physical pain. I'm likely to have to face the same decision again with mum, this time with AD, and I don't suppose it will be any easier.
Whatever you decide will be the right thing, because you'll do your best for your dad. Just try to remember that during the dark days. Easier said than done I know.
Thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

 

[Softy]

Thankyou for your reply Vonney it is very much appreciated especially as you have first hand experience as thankfully not many peaople have. Regarding help unfortunatley my sister lives 400 miles away she helps as much as she can with regular visits and telephone contact but we are a very small family with no other relatives to help. My boys are wanting to visit more just now but whilst I will let them go I do not want them visiting all the time as the home can be distressing as times and they do not need to be in that enviroment on a regular basis, both boys are studying for exams which is quite enough pressure for them.

 

[Mameeskye]

HI Softy

May I just say what courageous sons you have for wanting to continue to visit. YOu should give yourself a huge pat on the back for having brought them up to be so caring and considerate. My neice could not face visiting my Mum and was really sad afterwards. It was not her fault as her Mum and Dad could not cope either with it, but it shows what a brilliant job you have done even in your own grief with them.

Love

Mameeskye

 

[Softy]

What a lovely thing to say Mameeskye thank you so much. I just got back to work from the home Dad ate all his lunch again I dont have to worry about the pain, he looked different today and was rubbing his leg after we had checked him over when I asked if it was hurting he said Yes clear as a bell and the staff sprung into action with pain relief. He was all smiles up to me leaving so he is good at the moment Hospital tom and a battle with the surgeons watch this space. Oh and my eldest son rang my mum today and has persuaded her to visit of Friday so we are all going together.

 

[Sam Iam]

Hi Softy,
Best wishes for tomorrow xx
Maybe thats the way around your Mum not visiting as in, she visits once,twice or four times a week that way she will still be visiting but without the pressure for you and her.

 

[Softy]

Well here I am after a sleepless night of worry to find that its snowing like mad outside I just took my son to school and only just made it off our estate. I hope the appointment is not cancelled but if this keeps up I think it will be as the ambulance will struggle to get to the home.