A bit of advice

[Sue4067]

I have never had an easy relationship with my mother but it is now getting to the point of me wanting to break off all contact. However I am wondering whether she has signs of dementia do would appreciate any advice please.

I live 200 miles away and visited for her 85 birthday and left on good terms by our standard. The day after I received a really nasty text telling me to return something I'd apparently taken . . I hadn't taken it either deliberately or accidentally. Please note I was asked this was pure nastiness. Since then I have had a cruel letter accusing me of all sorts and another text telling me she can't get the trust back.

As I day it's never been easy but she is now getting very nasty not just to me but to people in the street, salesmen at door - one was told he was fat. She gave marigold gloves to a family friend for Xmas . . I can go on however but . . .
As I say she is 85 not on any medication but has had high pressure in her eyes and usually things like cataracts and hip replacement. Many years ago suffered breast cancer but that was treated successfully. She suffers from frequent uti and that is about is so overall not really doing too bad for her age. She does still drive as well . . .although that might be questionable.

However I would appreciate the views with more experience than I of dementia. . Is this nastiness part of it? If it is how can I get this recognised? If you think I'm off mark please say so.
Thanks in advance

 

[cragmaid]

Hi Sue, welcome to TP. Much of what you have written is sympomatic of Dementia, however many of the traits belong in other categories too! UTIs are notorious for their ability to turn a normally rational person into a raging bull

If you can arrange for a Urine sample to be tested, I'd do so. But I would also suggest keeping a note of unusual events and then arranging an appointment for a pre warned GP to give her a "well Woman" checkup.

It is very easy for me to say " don't take things personally"...partly because I've been through it with my late Mum....but it does hurt to be called a thief or a liar.....one of my Mum's pet phrases was " well if you say it's true, I suppose it must be, but I know you are lying".

Good luck and keep posting. Maureen.x

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Sue

If you think your mother is acting out of character it may be more than ageing causing it.

Living so far away will make it very difficult for you to log her behaviour but if you can, it will be something concrete to present to her GP, even if it`s by post.

There was a time I thought my husband was becoming a grumpy old man but as time passed he was eventually diagnosed with Alzheimer`s.

You may be well to be concerned. The UTIs certainly have a much bigger effect on people with dementia than they do in people without it.

 

[Pear trees]

Unfortunately the early stages of dementia can bring out the worse personality traits. My mum was always selfish, self centred, deliberately dificult and argumentative ever since I can remember. We have always had a strained relationship. Since her diagnosis 4 years ago she has accused me repeatedly of stealing her money and food, and leaving her to starve. She slammed the door in my face many times when I tried to visit, then phoned me compaining about being alone, no food or money etc. She has called non-english carers and nurses really nasty racist names and chased them out of her house. She has never appreciated anything I do for her, never once said thank you.
I have cut my visits down to the minimum but still arrange carers, cleaner, lunch club visits, money, bills etc. I take her to hospital and GP appointments where she runs me down in front of them.
As her dementia has worsened she has become slightly more amenable but flashes of the evil witch of old still come through.
My brother has not seen or spoken to her in over 4 years, I wish I could do the same but someone has to take responsibilty for the evil old cow. The GP says she could live for 4-5 more years as she is very fit apart from the dementia- wonderful news, not!!!

 

[Sue4067]

Thanks for your advice. Probably sounds daft that I had thought of contacting her gp will continue to keep the evidence and think of doing that. My brothers partner is here this month - they live is cape town - so might try and get a stance from her.

It's incredibly hard when she is so vitriolic and additionally is telling me I am loosing my mind as I don't eat meat . . .

 

[Delphie]

Hi Sue

Dementia can be hard to diagnose and other things can mimic the symptoms, so the only way you'll get to find out one way or the other is by getting your mum to her GP. He or she would then refer her on, if they thought dementia could be present.

That aside, yes, what you describe could be dementia related. My mum became extremely paranoid and this led to all kinds of nasty, and often weird, accusations. But my mum was more of a 'classic' case and it was her failing memory that alerted me to her being ill. She'd always been quite difficult, so that bit was par for the course, but her not remembering much from one day to the next was the biggest clue for us.

What to do about it is your biggest hurdle right now. If you mum is like mine, agreeing to go to the GP because something's not quite right is highly unlikely. I had to con mine into going. First, I went on my own (or you could write to the GP listing your concerns) to explain what was going on, then got my mum to come along with me so we could get flu jabs. The GP did the mini memory test which my mum did quite badly at, then asked her to come back for a blood test. She, of course, forgot it all, so I conned her again and got her to the nurse for the bloods. Then came the memory clinic appointment (of course she had no memory of anything leading up to that point) and I somehow managed to get her to that too. The consultant wanted her to go for a scan but something kicked in at that point and she refused to cooperate further.

The consultant diagnosed Alzheimer's, prescribed medication, I tried arranging carers, but she refused to engage with anything, so we both struggled for a while, she with getting more and more ill, me trying to help in the face of almost constant hostility and accusations. So getting the diagnosis didn't really achieve much in the end, so even if you struggle, as you'll probably have to, to get her illness recognised (if indeed she is ill) it might not provide you, or her, with much actual help. Sorry to be negative but I think it's worth knowing. I somehow naively imagined that once her GP saw her and how ill she was, help would appear in my mother's life as if by magic. That wasn't the case.

The questionable driving is a concern and one I didn't have to deal with as my mum never learnt to drive. But there are things you could try, like informing the DVLA or, again, contacting her GP with your concerns.

I wish you the very best of luck with it all.

 

[Delphie]

Unfortunately the early stages of dementia can bring out the worse personality traits. My mum was always selfish, self centred, deliberately dificult and argumentative ever since I can remember. We have always had a strained relationship. Since her diagnosis 4 years ago she has accused me repeatedly of stealing her money and food, and leaving her to starve. She slammed the door in my face many times when I tried to visit, then phoned me compaining about being alone, no food or money etc. She has called non-english carers and nurses really nasty racist names and chased them out of her house. She has never appreciated anything I do for her, never once said thank you.
I have cut my visits down to the minimum but still arrange carers, cleaner, lunch club visits, money, bills etc. I take her to hospital and GP appointments where she runs me down in front of them.
As her dementia has worsened she has become slightly more amenable but flashes of the evil witch of old still come through.
My brother has not seen or spoken to her in over 4 years, I wish I could do the same but someone has to take responsibilty for the evil old cow. The GP says she could live for 4-5 more years as she is very fit apart from the dementia- wonderful news, not!!!

I love the honesty. I really do!

 

[Sue4067]

Pear-trees I could be you. And we'll done on keeping at it you have more staying power than me.

Everyone else - thank you from the bottom of my heart