90th birthday tea =have I done the right thing?

[elizabet]

My Mum will be 90 this coming week and on Saturday I have organised a family gathering for 15 folk altogether. It is to be held in a friend's bungalow, where Mum goes out for a meal from her care home once a month , so she is familiar with the layout. After visiting her yesterday I am having second thoughts -will she be overwhelmed in the company of all these people, some she has not seen for quite a while. Also she has started saying she is not 90 this birthday she is 88-she said I had disturbed her routine yesterday .
There is a conservatory at the friend's house where she could go and sit quietly if she wishes to do so. Being 90 is a great achievement yet I wonder if the buffet tea is more for her relatives benefit rather than for Mum's. She has Mild cognitive impairment , can be very lucid at times but then can say the most peculiar things and her short term memory is worsening.
Any thoughts gratefully accepted.
Thanks,
Elizabeth

 

[Grannie G]

You`ll soon find out whether or not you`ve done the right thing, elizabet. I hope so.

A 90th birthday is very special and no one can blame you for wanting a celebration. I do hope it works out and your mother enjoys it as much as you would like her to.

 

[ellejay]

Hi Elizabeth. If your mum gets overwhelmed could you take her back to her CH after a while ?

Something similar for us last year, one of mums great grandsons got engaged & he really wanted nana at his party.

To be totally honest with you, mum was ok for a little while & then she started to get agitated, so OH & I took her back. Was a bit different though as there was loud music & mum hates loud.

Lin x

 

[CollegeGirl]

If she doesn't believe she's 90 on the day, could you just play that down a bit and just say it's for her birthday, and that a few friends and relatives will be popping in to say hello, as they are passing?

Could you stagger their arrivals so that she doesn't walk into a room full of people all at once? She might not feel so overwhelmed that way. And maybe some people would be prepared to leave when others arrive, so keeping the numbers down?

Or ask the guests not to congregate all in one room at the same time, but spread out throughout the bungalow and maybe the garden too, leaving the conservatory totally empty for your mum?

Or keep your mum in the conservatory where two or three guests at a time could pop in to say happy birthday and chat, leaving time in between the 'visits' for your mum to catch her breath?

Hope this helps.

 

[SWMBO1950]

Just go for it - 90 is a wonderful achievement of age!!

 

[meme]

she may be overwhelmed and she may not...but you have contingency plans in place..90 is a great age to reach and I think if is lovely to mark it for her with a small family gathering..let us know how it goes

 

[elizabet]

Thanks everyone for your replies-feel more positive and will be flexible at the birthday tea-when she has had enough can easily take her back to care home -
She is tough -has recovered from a stroke, conquered bowel cancer at 80, has aortic stenosis and it has only been since just prior to Christmas that her memory problems have increased, resulting in her being admitted to care home in April, but physically since being there she has thrived with regular meals/ meds and stimulation from staff interaction and with some of the more sociable residents.

 

[craftyviola]

This is a tricky one, in common with many other happy occasions when we want to include our loved ones with dementia. We are celebrating my brother's 60th birthday tomorrow at our house with family and friends and Mum is bound to get confused as she is convinced that he is her brother!

It is also my Mum's 90th next month and we are going to have a small celebration for her. No doubt she will forget it very soon afterwards, but I think that it milestone really worth celebrating. I think the key is for the event not to be too overwhelming but to keep it simple and not too busy with too many people coming or going.

The real dilemma we have concerns my son's wedding next April. He would love his Granny there but I think she would be overwhelmed by being surrounded by so many people.

There is no easy answer - I think we need to work out what works best for the person concerned and ask ourselves whether or not we are celebrating for their benefit or for our own?