4 weeks in a good nursing home - am I now having a breakdown??

[Alisongs]

I've posted on here a few times especially the past 2 years.
My husband (73) was finally diagnosed with PCA in 2018 . He had to stop work in 2013, I (now 68) carried on for a while, then part time then stopped entirely in 2016 as he wasn't very safe at home,leaving the front door open, turning hobs on in the kitchen and was on a sudden but intense reckless gambling spree...
So we managed, he had a brief period of psychosis, he developed total aphasia and has no language. We got out and about every day twice in the car and to the park then last October he stopped being able to get in the car. November he fell a couple of times badly, backwards on the stairs, and became confined to upstairs. He became doubly incontinent quite suddenly.
Upstairs was not sustainable as the shower room is downstairs and he could not get into the bath upstairs so personal care/washing became very fraught and he became violent, at the very least using horrible force to twist my wrists.
We - it was for me really - had a blissful month of respite late January then Adult Social Care sought a permanent placement for him with no uptake - a couple of care homes with poor QCC reports, until another care home where he actually went for 4 days until my son visited him and found him with numerous deep scratches, scabbing wounds on his arms, wearing a ripped T shirt so brought him home the next day.
There followed a very frightening incident when he grabbed and squeezed my throat...after which we had a 3x daily male carer to support. Until a place in a nursing home was found for him where he has been for 4 weeks.
it's nice, it's organised, most staff seem really lovely, I or my sons visit him on alternate days and mostly get a good impression of feeling.
So why do I now feel I am having a breakdown? I used to manage to squeeze in a quick shower or hair wash even if it was in the middle of the night. I barely slept more than a couple of hours at a time for several years but now when I can, I can't sleep. I was desperate to get a grip on our home which in certain areas has been systematically trashed (door handles broken, cupboards kicked in, curtain rails ripped off, wash basin broken off the wall...) But I actually find I'm just sitting feeling anxious most of the time waiting for the phone to ring from the nursing home. I've cleared some cupboards out, chucked stuff away, been to the council dump twice, sorted out some paperwork then got overwhelmed by financial stuff.
I think I'm getting worse not better.

You're going through a massive change in your life. You've been caring so long, so stressed for so long, so tired for so long, so busy for so long.
So overstretched for so long....
It will take a while for you to relax, unwind, unbend, take your bare feet off broken glass, let the adrenaline drain.
Life won't be what it was before dementia invaded your family.
Just let go for a while, watch the changes. There's no rush. Your husband is safe.
Life will rebuild.
You've been in the war against dementia. Everyone gets wounded. Nobody wins. But after the battles there will be peace of some sort. Relax, rest, restore, rebuild. You'll find a new way through if you watch and wait

 

[Angel55]

I've posted on here a few times especially the past 2 years.
My husband (73) was finally diagnosed with PCA in 2018 . He had to stop work in 2013, I (now 68) carried on for a while, then part time then stopped entirely in 2016 as he wasn't very safe at home,leaving the front door open, turning hobs on in the kitchen and was on a sudden but intense reckless gambling spree...
So we managed, he had a brief period of psychosis, he developed total aphasia and has no language. We got out and about every day twice in the car and to the park then last October he stopped being able to get in the car. November he fell a couple of times badly, backwards on the stairs, and became confined to upstairs. He became doubly incontinent quite suddenly.
Upstairs was not sustainable as the shower room is downstairs and he could not get into the bath upstairs so personal care/washing became very fraught and he became violent, at the very least using horrible force to twist my wrists.
We - it was for me really - had a blissful month of respite late January then Adult Social Care sought a permanent placement for him with no uptake - a couple of care homes with poor QCC reports, until another care home where he actually went for 4 days until my son visited him and found him with numerous deep scratches, scabbing wounds on his arms, wearing a ripped T shirt so brought him home the next day.
There followed a very frightening incident when he grabbed and squeezed my throat...after which we had a 3x daily male carer to support. Until a place in a nursing home was found for him where he has been for 4 weeks.
it's nice, it's organised, most staff seem really lovely, I or my sons visit him on alternate days and mostly get a good impression of feeling.
So why do I now feel I am having a breakdown? I used to manage to squeeze in a quick shower or hair wash even if it was in the middle of the night. I barely slept more than a couple of hours at a time for several years but now when I can, I can't sleep. I was desperate to get a grip on our home which in certain areas has been systematically trashed (door handles broken, cupboards kicked in, curtain rails ripped off, wash basin broken off the wall...) But I actually find I'm just sitting feeling anxious most of the time waiting for the phone to ring from the nursing home. I've cleared some cupboards out, chucked stuff away, been to the council dump twice, sorted out some paperwork then got overwhelmed by financial stuff.
I think I'm getting worse not better.

💗 You have been through a lot. This is grief for want of a better word , grieving when the person is physically still here . I find myself lacking motivation most days, my mind wandering about and I don't sleep well. I often have dreams about my Dad. I thought the other day randomly I want my Dad as he was (Dad is in residential care) and actually my mum too ( mum passed a long time ago)

It is hard to unsee and unfeel. Counselling can be a good place to start though. I did have some sessions after my mum past from cancer(she was looked after by us at home) and from that I started walking with the dog we had at the time miles along the serenity and peace of the canal paths. Cut to now and I am older lol so meandering so far is not an option. I still meander but it is in line with the older me now and arthritic joints. It does help although I am no slimmer lol

I am trying to say that finding something that works for you whether that be counselling, crafting , journaling, walking can be a place to start.

PTSD is a real thing for carers and whilst we think of it more for being at war or the army it comes in all sorts of forms and degrees.

I hope this day, today is kind to you 💗