My MIL gets stuck in "the loop". Talks about her ALH layout over & over like she just moved in. It's been a yr. Anything repeated over & over, AKA the loop. This happens every 3-5 minutes. We always prearrange with her & staff when we take her out. This time she wasn't dressed. And every 3 minutes she would ask where we were going & going on about her clothes & just plain odd things. She trys to make calls using the tv remote & gets mad. This list goes on. She now thinks it's all a conspiracy. She argues about giving us money EVERY time. She insists we are lying to her. We had to put an end to her money a yr ago so she wouldn't give it all away. She swears she has a checkbook which she doesn't of course. I'm afraid of approaching the wheelchair idea but that's coming very soon. And now she won't drink water anymore. She has wore depends for many yrs now. She said it makes her have more "accidents". She doesn't remember most family members like 3 out of 4 of our kids. And my SIL & her husband & some of her family. She has declined drastically over the past yr & im wondering at this rate how long she might be around & if there is more ways to help her. She can no longer write or read or do simple tasks involving words or numbers. It's all sad & frustrating. My husband doesn't have a clue how to handle any of this so I am the one has to deal with this kind of thing on our visits which I do cuz I love her. My SIL is a a Godsend whom I can talk to but she has as many questions as I do. She's her POA. Any thoughts about any of these issues?
3 minutes & we start over. The Loop!
- Thread starter Kerstin
- Start date
Hello Kirsten and welcome to Talking Point.
Im sorry to say that everything that you have mentioned is typical of dementia - especially the conversation loop!
The main thing is not to argue with her - you will never win arguing with dementia, because she cannot comprehend the truth and she knows that she is right
You might find this thread helpful https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/sho...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
Just let the odd things she says and does roll off you. I found it helpful to say things like "Oh!", "Really?" and "well I never!" - often only listening with half my brain. Mum used to be quite fun to take out, but you definitely needed a sense of humour with all the odd things that she said and did! No one knows how long you have got, so try and be relaxed about it all and view it more like taking out a toddler.
Im sorry to say that everything that you have mentioned is typical of dementia - especially the conversation loop!
The main thing is not to argue with her - you will never win arguing with dementia, because she cannot comprehend the truth and she knows that she is right
You might find this thread helpful https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/sho...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-ImpairedJust let the odd things she says and does roll off you. I found it helpful to say things like "Oh!", "Really?" and "well I never!" - often only listening with half my brain. Mum used to be quite fun to take out, but you definitely needed a sense of humour with all the odd things that she said and did! No one knows how long you have got, so try and be relaxed about it all and view it more like taking out a toddler.
Thx Canary.
Thx canary. I'll try that link. I've been taking the humor approach. I can deal with this kind of thing but my husband doesn't know how to respond to most of it. I've been trying to help him change the subject like I do. And he finally agreed to just say "no mom, you already gave us money" over & over to make our escape, lol. She used to slip him a twenty when we'd go over to her house. It's just something she's always insisted on. She'd insist on more if he did chores like mowing after his dad died. We refuse to take any money now no matter what. Lying to her bothered him but he finally realized it was for the best. I tried the rational approach a while back but since she couldn't remember it just upset her more.
Thx canary. I'll try that link. I've been taking the humor approach. I can deal with this kind of thing but my husband doesn't know how to respond to most of it. I've been trying to help him change the subject like I do. And he finally agreed to just say "no mom, you already gave us money" over & over to make our escape, lol. She used to slip him a twenty when we'd go over to her house. It's just something she's always insisted on. She'd insist on more if he did chores like mowing after his dad died. We refuse to take any money now no matter what. Lying to her bothered him but he finally realized it was for the best. I tried the rational approach a while back but since she couldn't remember it just upset her more.
Welcome to TP...lots of knowledge from people on the forum....didn't want to read and run. The link that canary gave you is very good. Do some reading and you will no doubt find the support and answers that you are looking for. We have all learned to tell "love lies" ...that seems to work best for the person with dementia...but you will realize that as you get to talk to more people here in the forum. Take good care
Hi, Kerstin, and a warm welcome to Talking Point. I'm sorry to hear about the difficult situation with your MIL and while we are glad you found your way here, we are sorry you had to, if that makes sense.
I agree that everything you describe is very common with dementia. Maddening and trying and difficult, but definitely all very familiar, for what that's worth.
Everyone with dementia is different, and not everything works with everyone all the time, but generally speaking, I do find the compassionate communication guidelines to be helpful. Learning about dementia and how to deal with it (my mother is 75, has Alzheimer's and very poor short term memory and also does the "loops," but not as bad as your MIL) was a VERY steep learning curve for me and I feel like it took me a lot of time, a lot of research, and a whole lot of support from TP and my local support groups, to begin to get a handle on it. It's not easy.
Humour definitely helps, if the PWD (person with dementia) responds well to it, and the right comment at the right moment can help to break a loop, or flip the mood to something more positive. My mother always had a keen sense of humour so this approach often works with her. Learning to go with the flow, which does not come naturally to me, is also something that works with my mother, as does pretending that I can't remember things (she loves that), avoiding issues I know will trigger upset/anxiety, and a lot of the compassionate communication suggestions. It can be really difficult not to argue or point out the logic/illogic of something, but it never helps with my mum, so I try hard not to do this. Easier said than done, like a lot of things with dementia!
I often think that training in acting, and improvisational comedy, would be a great help in dealing with a person with dementia.
A lot of people have trouble "lying" to their PWD, for a variety of very understandable reasons. I look at it this way: what is going to be the kindest thing I can say/do, for my mother and her well being? Is telling the absolute/entire/direct truth, going to be kind and have a positive outcome? The answer is almost always no, it will be unkind, upset her, and possibly start one of her dreadful anxiety/distress loops. I would do anything to avoid distressing my mother, so I lie. I lie cheerfully, I lie constantly, and I tell her what will reassure her and make her happy.
I actually never had much trouble with this, but as I said, many do, and it's understandable. Many of us were taught to be honest and truthful and we want to be that way with our parents, and if they were still themselves, we wouldn't lie--and wouldn't have to lie. Unfortunately, this horrible disease brings a lot of changes and destruction, and not just to the person with the diagnosis.
What I find challenging is to resist the urge to have a "normal" conversation, you know, where I might talk about myself and what I'm doing and things going on in the world. It's been several years now since my mother could cope with that sort of thing, so I just follow her lead and I know that when she asks how I am doing, I tell her "I'm fine", and when she asks what I am up to today, I tell her "nothing much, just the usual," as those are the only answers she can process/cope with. She needs everything to be okay, and to not have things to worry about, so I make sure I tell her it's all okay and there is nothing she needs to do.
If your MIL does need a wheelchair or anything else like that, you don't have to be the one to tell her. Get her GP/doctor to tell her, or a staff member. Blame it on the doctor, or say she just needs to use it "for a while" or "until the doctor says so" or "because it's the new policy; I know you don't like it but it's just for now" or whatever will be less upsetting for her. Always, always deflect blame onto someone else, never yourself, and never be the messenger.
Best wishes to you and hope you find TP helpful and supportive.
I agree that everything you describe is very common with dementia. Maddening and trying and difficult, but definitely all very familiar, for what that's worth.
Everyone with dementia is different, and not everything works with everyone all the time, but generally speaking, I do find the compassionate communication guidelines to be helpful. Learning about dementia and how to deal with it (my mother is 75, has Alzheimer's and very poor short term memory and also does the "loops," but not as bad as your MIL) was a VERY steep learning curve for me and I feel like it took me a lot of time, a lot of research, and a whole lot of support from TP and my local support groups, to begin to get a handle on it. It's not easy.
Humour definitely helps, if the PWD (person with dementia) responds well to it, and the right comment at the right moment can help to break a loop, or flip the mood to something more positive. My mother always had a keen sense of humour so this approach often works with her. Learning to go with the flow, which does not come naturally to me, is also something that works with my mother, as does pretending that I can't remember things (she loves that), avoiding issues I know will trigger upset/anxiety, and a lot of the compassionate communication suggestions. It can be really difficult not to argue or point out the logic/illogic of something, but it never helps with my mum, so I try hard not to do this. Easier said than done, like a lot of things with dementia!
I often think that training in acting, and improvisational comedy, would be a great help in dealing with a person with dementia.
A lot of people have trouble "lying" to their PWD, for a variety of very understandable reasons. I look at it this way: what is going to be the kindest thing I can say/do, for my mother and her well being? Is telling the absolute/entire/direct truth, going to be kind and have a positive outcome? The answer is almost always no, it will be unkind, upset her, and possibly start one of her dreadful anxiety/distress loops. I would do anything to avoid distressing my mother, so I lie. I lie cheerfully, I lie constantly, and I tell her what will reassure her and make her happy.
I actually never had much trouble with this, but as I said, many do, and it's understandable. Many of us were taught to be honest and truthful and we want to be that way with our parents, and if they were still themselves, we wouldn't lie--and wouldn't have to lie. Unfortunately, this horrible disease brings a lot of changes and destruction, and not just to the person with the diagnosis.
What I find challenging is to resist the urge to have a "normal" conversation, you know, where I might talk about myself and what I'm doing and things going on in the world. It's been several years now since my mother could cope with that sort of thing, so I just follow her lead and I know that when she asks how I am doing, I tell her "I'm fine", and when she asks what I am up to today, I tell her "nothing much, just the usual," as those are the only answers she can process/cope with. She needs everything to be okay, and to not have things to worry about, so I make sure I tell her it's all okay and there is nothing she needs to do.
If your MIL does need a wheelchair or anything else like that, you don't have to be the one to tell her. Get her GP/doctor to tell her, or a staff member. Blame it on the doctor, or say she just needs to use it "for a while" or "until the doctor says so" or "because it's the new policy; I know you don't like it but it's just for now" or whatever will be less upsetting for her. Always, always deflect blame onto someone else, never yourself, and never be the messenger.
Best wishes to you and hope you find TP helpful and supportive.
