I’m not sure when I realised my Mum had this awful disease because she lived 70 miles away and a) she was ill in other ways; and b) I relied upon my ageing Dad to keep me informed. Eventually we got a diagnosis in Oct 15. I moved my parents next door to me in Aug 16 because my Dad just couldn’t cope and used to cry down the phone on a weekly basis. Initially when they moved she improved but she continued to go downhill. In the early days of them living next door we used to have a ratio of 50/50 “good” days, when Mum would be pretty with it and pleasant. But as time went by the “good” days became less and less and Mum became very aggressive verbally, and occasionally physically towards us all, but particularly towards my Dad and my son (her only grandchild, whom she had previously adored, and whom she then didn’t really recognise now that he was nearly a man, and whom she could only remember as a cute little boy). He has had to suffer her verbal abuse for the last two years when she would, on a daily basis, tell him to “drop dead” and to **** off” - she would never have used this language beforehand. Then there was the wandering around all night, raiding the fridge, leaving all the food out, moving things around, and writing graffiti on the walls! You wouldn’t believe what she used to write ... on the lounge wall in huge permanent marker pen they have “DIE **** ” and it got worse!! And then the double incontinence and taking her nappy off and treading it everywhere! It was this middle to late stage that was the worst. Fortunately in recent months we had her sufficient medicated to calm her and she would sleep for hours and days!
So my poor dear old, but mad Mum died of Alzheimer’s last Thursday night! She had gone into a care home for “end of life care,” but gradually stopped being able to swallow and only lasted 5 days. Although I had previously read up on how this works, and was prepared for the end to be like this, I have to say that it was awful watching her effectively starve to death. I have so many emotions to deal with now, that have taken me by surprise: I truly, and naively thought I would just feel completely relieved, and would take it in my stride! Firstly, I feel guilt: about not being with her when she took her last breath, and that I wasn’t holding her hand. I had been there with her two hours before - why didn’t I stay just those two hours more? Guilt for resenting looking after her, and for being horrible to her at times, shouting at her and not being as compassionate as I should have been. And I feel guilt for wishing her dead at times - what other illness though makes you feel that way about a loved one? I feel guilt for laughing about all her antics and the mad things she said, but what else was I meant to do, I had to find the funny side of it to survive? I feel overwhelming sad about the way she became, and how she lost herself and how I lost her several years ago. I feel relief at not having to change all those dirty smelly nappy things! And so the list goes on and on ...
You must all be reading this thinking what a bitch I have been! Please someone out there tell me that they had the same awful thoughts when caring for someone with Alzheimer’s!!
So my poor dear old, but mad Mum died of Alzheimer’s last Thursday night! She had gone into a care home for “end of life care,” but gradually stopped being able to swallow and only lasted 5 days. Although I had previously read up on how this works, and was prepared for the end to be like this, I have to say that it was awful watching her effectively starve to death. I have so many emotions to deal with now, that have taken me by surprise: I truly, and naively thought I would just feel completely relieved, and would take it in my stride! Firstly, I feel guilt: about not being with her when she took her last breath, and that I wasn’t holding her hand. I had been there with her two hours before - why didn’t I stay just those two hours more? Guilt for resenting looking after her, and for being horrible to her at times, shouting at her and not being as compassionate as I should have been. And I feel guilt for wishing her dead at times - what other illness though makes you feel that way about a loved one? I feel guilt for laughing about all her antics and the mad things she said, but what else was I meant to do, I had to find the funny side of it to survive? I feel overwhelming sad about the way she became, and how she lost herself and how I lost her several years ago. I feel relief at not having to change all those dirty smelly nappy things! And so the list goes on and on ...
You must all be reading this thinking what a bitch I have been! Please someone out there tell me that they had the same awful thoughts when caring for someone with Alzheimer’s!!
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