Controlling mother blocking me from helping my father

[Katee]

My 87-year-old dad is my mother's main carer. My mother is unable to walk and struggles to dress herself. She has osteoporosis, a benign brain tumour and had two mini strokes four years ago. My father has impaired walking mobility and over the past year has been unwell and now needs a pacemaker.

My mother was awarded a care package of two carers four times a day but has whittled it down to one person once a day. She has worked hard to rehabilitate herself because she is determined to walk again but is in denial that she never will. My father, therefore, has to do everything for her. She will not let the carer (who she is fond of) shower her so my father has to push her into and out of shower, toing and froing at night with basins of hot water and toothbrushes, etc. His sleep is often interrupted during the night to toilet her. She is sometimes incontinent. He is back and forward to shops for things I've offered to buy her..... Please bear with me.

Mum's bank account has been frauded and she is on a succor's list. She has been carrying her pin number in front of her cash card and I could go on and on....

Dad needs to see a hear specialist soon and shw will not let me go with him. When I asked her WHY? she says "I'm his next of kin and if I can't go - you're not." (Dad struggles to push her at the moment.) She has accused me of being a dictator and interfering. If my father or I disagree with her she is belligerent do dad does anything for a quiet life.

I do not live near but visit each week with prepared food, change beds, clean, etc. I do not stay overnight if I can help it now as I end up shouting at her. Before I was able to let her behaviour wash over me to an extent. Now, though, I see what she is doing is affecting my dad's health and wellbeing and what a terrible life he has with her. She is sweetness and light to everyone except my father and me. She hoodwinks the social worker, doctor and carer. This has being going on for several years. My stomach churns before each visit and apart from visiting when she is at daycare, I don't know what I can do to help my father. I intend to meet him at the hospital for his appointment and then drive home.

 

[zeeeb]

That's so unfair for your poor dad. He's working so hard for her, when someone else could be picking up some of that slack. I'm not sure I can offer any advice, but I do feel for you. It's not fair that the closest cop everything. As is often the case, it takes a (or a series of) crises before changes occur. I hope you can talk your dad into forcing her to accept more help somehow.

 

[jeany123]

I think this is a case where you must override what your mum says for your dads wellbeing, she can't actually stop you going to the appointment with your dad so just go,

The help must be reinstated if she likes it or not, if your dad is ill he will not be able to do it anyway, Get the things from the shop to stop your dad having to do it, if she doesn't like it I'm afraid she will have to lump it, you cannot let her put your poor dad in the the position of being so ill and tired that his health is at risk, At the moment you have to put your dad first,

 

[marionq]

Jeany beat me to it. I cannot abide bullying in any form even from a sick person. They make everyone else ill with their nonsense. She needs to see that her behaviour and selfishness is affecting your Dad and maybe the doctor is the best person to put this to her forcefully.

 

[Jessbow]

What would happen if you laid it on the line

''Dad can't XYZ... You'll have to have someone else do it or it will finish for him''

Question - Did they have to pay for the carers? That can make a huge difference, having to pay for something you don't want.

How does your Dad feel about the carers?

If they were self funding, there is nothing stopping him having carers 4 times a day if he wants ( if he is brave enough!) Someone to perhaps cook tea, or run the hoover around.

I had exactly the same with my parents, Mum didn't see the need, dad did, but couldn't convince her. In her mind she was perfectly able ( she wasn't!) and she basically ground him into the ground

I feel for you, its really hard

Personally I'd offer to take dad in the car to the hospital - on his own

 

[loveahug]

I agree with all the other replies, she is a bully and you teach peole how to treat you and by giving in she knows it will work. I'm sure you and dad are afraid that by windng her up too much you will jeopardise her health but you have to stop this as your guilt if your lovely dad collapses and dies will never leave you. Take him to hospital, give him love and support. Write to your mum's consultants, doctors, health workers telling them how it is. Tell your if she carries on like this he will be dead and she will be in a home so she can put up and shut up. Of course it won't make the slightest bit of difference, she's in a rut of fear and control

 

[zeeeb]

Perhaps your dad can leave the house (even if he just goes for a walk around the corner, or goes and sits at the bus stop for half an hour) when the carers come initially. He really does have to step up and back you. Perhaps you need to both tell your mum that if she doesn't accept the carers, then she'll end up in the care home sooner rather than later, it's her choice, accept the help, or accept the alternative... But you both have to back each other up, so she can't manipulate either one of you.

 

[Nebiroth]

I agree, your mother is being a bully. Maybe you should have aheart to heart with your dad and then present a united front.

I think a key issue to start with is your going with your dad to his hearing test. Lay it on the line: he's going, you're going with him and being next of kin or not is irrelevent, in fact being next of kin doesn't give her any right to be there at all if her husband says he doesn;t want her to be.

It sounds to be as though your mum is in need of a big dose of cold, hard reality. If she carries on like this her husband will simply become too ill (or worse) to look after her, and when that happens, he will end up in hospital or six feet under and social services will put her in a care home whether she likes it or not.

So she can have her choice: more help at home or a care home.

If her bank account has been defrauded and she is walking around with her PIN number then if the bank find out they will deem her an incapable of managing the account and freeze it.

It will be quite painful to do and you and your dad will probably have to gird your loins for a temper tantrum or worse, but ultimately bullies are almost always cowards at heart and will fold if someone is determined to stand up to them.

 

[halojones]

I don't know how your dad does it. I look after my 86yr old mum and she is not demanding or in a wheelchair, just old age and vas.d ,and it is incredibly demanding.!! In fact, I don't know how the older folk do it.! You do have to put your foot down, could you reinstate the carers and take your dad for a break, then at least your mum might appreciate both of you for what you are doing for her..The toll on your dad is too much and he needs putting first. I hope you find a better solution for you all..

 

[Katee]

Heartfelt thanks to you all. As I'm constantly tired and so close to this situation, everything, everyone has said has been very helpful. I think the crux of the matter is - as has been said in some of the posts - my father will not back me up and thinks I make matters worse even though the other day (which might have been a particularly bad one) he acknowledged that he's peed off putting up with her.
Her doctor and social worker do not want to know and my doctor thinks there is nothing I can do but wait for (another) crisis. In the meantime, I'm going to spend the day with my dad when she's out at day care. Will be staying there for at least five days again after he gets his pacemaker.

My many thanks to you all. Kate

 

[cornes]

I think this is a case where you must override what your mum says for your dads wellbeing, she can't actually stop you going to the appointment with your dad so just go,

The help must be reinstated if she likes it or not, if your dad is ill he will not be able to do it anyway, Get the things from the shop to stop your dad having to do it, if she doesn't like it I'm afraid she will have to lump it, you cannot let her put your poor dad in the the position of being so ill and tired that his health is at risk, At the moment you have to put your dad first,

I don't know how your dad does it. I look after my 86yr old mum and she is not demanding or in a wheelchair, just old age and vas.d ,and it is incredibly demanding.!! In fact, I don't know how the older folk do it.! You do have to put your foot down, could you reinstate the carers and take your dad for a break, then at least your mum might appreciate both of you for what you are doing for her..The toll on your dad is too much and he needs putting first. I hope you find a better solution for you all..

Can't you put a safeguarding report in then someone will come out and give them the care they need she will have no choice but tey be there when they come out to see them

 

[Collywobbles]

@cornes This thread is 10 years old I’m afraid, so one way or another the issue is long past.

 

[Gosling]

Hello @cornes and welcome to this friendly and supportive forum.
Please do say hello and introduce yourself in the following section of the forum, telling us perhaps a bit more about your particular situation; and ask any questions you may like to. Members here really do want to help and you will find both support and understanding here:

Say Hello and Introduce Yourself

This forum is a place for new members to introduce themselves and say hello to the rest of the community.

forum.alzheimers.org.uk