My mother has vascular dementia, is almost blind and very deaf. I have never liked her, she and I are so different. However as an only child and given that my lovely Father died in 2001 All the care falls on my shoulders. She is driving me mad - I am doing as much as I can and do not want to have to send her to a care home but I am finding it emotionally draining to have to attend to her every day, and get innumerable phone messages all day long - including one just now "when are my tablets arriving?" me 'It is 9.30 in the evening, I will bring them tomorrow as usual' she has no idea what time of day it is - let alone what ay of the week it is.
I do not like my Mother
- Thread starter katherine4
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Hello katherine, and welcome to TP. In some ways people like you who are carers motivated by a sense of duty rather than by love have the most difficult job of all. But often carers do manage to get used to things which, when they first came across them, would drive them crazy.
Do you have any care workers who visit your mum? This can sometimes ease the burden. What are your reasons for not wanting her in a care home?
Yes, can sympathise with you, I was not close to my Mum, she always had depressive personality and the Dementia did not help. I ended up resenting her so much, specially once I was a pensioner myself. I found it easier when she was in Hospital with her numerous falls, and once she went into a CH, I was able to stop resenting her and do my dutiful daughter visits. I'm glossing over all the difficulties that were involved, of course, but believe me the CH was the best option for us both. It was a good home and once she'd settled, I at least had my day to day life back. Please consider this option seriously. All best.
Hi Katherine4 and welcome. I'm coming at this topic as someone who has always been very close to her mother. When I was younger I spent all my spare time with mum and loved her company. I could never imagine my life without her.
Long story short mum suffered a stroke 10 years ago and slowly but surely over the following years dementia clawed its way into our lives. Trying to care for mum took me to my knees. Dementia puts pressure on every relationship.
As has been said please don't dismiss a care home. My mum now needs more help than I could ever give her. I can go and see her and reassure her and be there for her without the pressures associated with caring day to day.
I hope you get the support you need soon xxx
Long story short mum suffered a stroke 10 years ago and slowly but surely over the following years dementia clawed its way into our lives. Trying to care for mum took me to my knees. Dementia puts pressure on every relationship.
As has been said please don't dismiss a care home. My mum now needs more help than I could ever give her. I can go and see her and reassure her and be there for her without the pressures associated with caring day to day.
I hope you get the support you need soon xxx
It's a very hard thing even when there is enormous love involved.
I adored my mother but my other half will testify to many a late night crying spree of mine, were venom and vitriol came spouting forth, despair and all manner of things that don't bear thinking about.
It's a really hard thing to do, to care for someone.
You're emotionally involved and while you don't seem able to stretch to the word love, there is some emotional obligation you must feel, otherwise you would walk away, without a backward glance.
I just wanted you to know that it is a struggle even when there is total love in the mix.
Love doesn't oil all the wheels.
It's still hard.
Be kind to yourself and your kindness towards your Mum will hopefully make you feel empowered.
Oh and get a Carers Assessment for yourself and an assessment for your Mum for outside help, you need support to be able to continue to care.
Very best wishes.
I adored my mother but my other half will testify to many a late night crying spree of mine, were venom and vitriol came spouting forth, despair and all manner of things that don't bear thinking about.
It's a really hard thing to do, to care for someone.
You're emotionally involved and while you don't seem able to stretch to the word love, there is some emotional obligation you must feel, otherwise you would walk away, without a backward glance.
I just wanted you to know that it is a struggle even when there is total love in the mix.
Love doesn't oil all the wheels.
It's still hard.
Be kind to yourself and your kindness towards your Mum will hopefully make you feel empowered.
Oh and get a Carers Assessment for yourself and an assessment for your Mum for outside help, you need support to be able to continue to care.
Very best wishes.
I must agree with Robin on this one
As I've said like a broken record a hundred times, it is a hard slog, and really not a reasonable request to have one person care for a person with alzheimers. It really does require the work of a team. So somehow you need to get a team on board. If that means a care home, then so be it. It may be better than you on your own, because these people who work at the care homes get to leave at the end of their shift, they have the support of a team of carers, they are never on their own. It is hard for them as well of course, but they are not alone in their caring roles.
You do need to remember that you deserve to have a life as well, you don't need to sacrifice all of your happiness for your mothers contentment. Chances are that she doesn't have the ability to appreciate all you do for her anyway.
Remember to take care of yourself. And try and think if you could offer more to her as a visitor than you can as a carer. If you don't have to worry about the practical stuff (daily medication, cleaning, feeding, laundry, groceries etc) you may actually be very good company for your mum as a visitor.
As I've said like a broken record a hundred times, it is a hard slog, and really not a reasonable request to have one person care for a person with alzheimers. It really does require the work of a team. So somehow you need to get a team on board. If that means a care home, then so be it. It may be better than you on your own, because these people who work at the care homes get to leave at the end of their shift, they have the support of a team of carers, they are never on their own. It is hard for them as well of course, but they are not alone in their caring roles.
You do need to remember that you deserve to have a life as well, you don't need to sacrifice all of your happiness for your mothers contentment. Chances are that she doesn't have the ability to appreciate all you do for her anyway.
Remember to take care of yourself. And try and think if you could offer more to her as a visitor than you can as a carer. If you don't have to worry about the practical stuff (daily medication, cleaning, feeding, laundry, groceries etc) you may actually be very good company for your mum as a visitor.
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I'm a duty carer Katherine4.
My MIL and I have never got along. She has always been very critical of me, cold and unkind to my husband, nasty to my kids, judgemental of everybody, and is a stranger to logic. She is the kind of person who says heart-stoppingly spiteful and cruel things under the heading of "I'm just saying what I think". The biggest dramas are always if somebody dares to criticise her or disagree with her she goes into frightened little girl mode and will wail and clutch at strangers and beg for help as if she is being attacked.
Obviously, these behaviours have only got much worse with dementia, and been joined by some even worse new ones.
She still tells everyone that nobody helps her and she does everything for herself, but of course this isn't true. The most difficult most recent behaviour has been early waking because it's broad daylight at 4am, then phoning us in a rage because we "should have told her it was a bank holiday!" (Her mind's explanation for why there are no buses, nobody around, and the shops are all shut.)
I don't care for her with love, but with as much kindness as I can muster. She's not really much worse to deal with now than she was thirty years ago, because she was always so difficult.
I know we say on here that everybody has a choice, but we haven't been able to get any help beyond Aricept and annual appointments at memory clinic (and we had to fight for that) so until we can get her any other help it's my job.
I just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one who doesn't like the person they care for. At least now I know it's not her fault.
My MIL and I have never got along. She has always been very critical of me, cold and unkind to my husband, nasty to my kids, judgemental of everybody, and is a stranger to logic. She is the kind of person who says heart-stoppingly spiteful and cruel things under the heading of "I'm just saying what I think". The biggest dramas are always if somebody dares to criticise her or disagree with her she goes into frightened little girl mode and will wail and clutch at strangers and beg for help as if she is being attacked.
Obviously, these behaviours have only got much worse with dementia, and been joined by some even worse new ones.
She still tells everyone that nobody helps her and she does everything for herself, but of course this isn't true. The most difficult most recent behaviour has been early waking because it's broad daylight at 4am, then phoning us in a rage because we "should have told her it was a bank holiday!" (Her mind's explanation for why there are no buses, nobody around, and the shops are all shut.)
I don't care for her with love, but with as much kindness as I can muster. She's not really much worse to deal with now than she was thirty years ago, because she was always so difficult.
I know we say on here that everybody has a choice, but we haven't been able to get any help beyond Aricept and annual appointments at memory clinic (and we had to fight for that) so until we can get her any other help it's my job.
I just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one who doesn't like the person they care for. At least now I know it's not her fault.
"I do not like my Mother " You didn't pick her as a Mum it just happened that way, it's a shame sometimes families work out sometimes.
If you can't do it then explore the options, you don't have to do it. I think if you can get to see a social worker who understands family breakdown like yours and take it from there. Being an only child must maker it harder in a situation like this as you've no one in exactly the same position to share it with.
K
If you can't do it then explore the options, you don't have to do it. I think if you can get to see a social worker who understands family breakdown like yours and take it from there. Being an only child must maker it harder in a situation like this as you've no one in exactly the same position to share it with.
K
My mother and I were incredibly close but once she was diagnosed with, which didn't happen until she was heading into the moderate stage, I realized I was unable to take care of her. I had moved her from British Columbia to my home in Ontario and within 4 days she was sectioned. She never lived with me again.
That fact that you are doing all you can out of a sense of duty is highly admirable and responsible. But please don't let your sense of duty overwhelm you.
That fact that you are doing all you can out of a sense of duty is highly admirable and responsible. But please don't let your sense of duty overwhelm you.
I sometimes wonder if the fact that the person you are caring for is a person you don't actually like makes it harder to give up the hands on caring role? Like Joanne, I loved my mother very much, but frankly, I couldn't do the hands on caring at all. Short term, maybe, but anything more than a month or two was simply beyond my capabilities. And yes, I felt guilty. But I knew my very loving and caring mother would not have wanted me to be dealing with this and getting into such a state. In fact, once in a more coherent state than she was normally she said to me "You do have a life other than this? I wouldn't want you to just be doing this". So I can't say I didn't feel massively guilty, but I also knew that Mummy wouldn't want be destroying myself in this way.
I suspect that people who are caring for people they really don't like don't have this sort of "if she was well, she wouldn't want me to do this" kind of practical release. Because these people are often the people who would think you had to sacrifice yourself on the altar of their needs. But you don't. You find the best care you can for them, you make sure the care home is up to snuff, you sort out the practical matters, and you visit them when you feel up to it and cry in the car park. But you also get to live your life. And that's important.
I suspect that people who are caring for people they really don't like don't have this sort of "if she was well, she wouldn't want me to do this" kind of practical release. Because these people are often the people who would think you had to sacrifice yourself on the altar of their needs. But you don't. You find the best care you can for them, you make sure the care home is up to snuff, you sort out the practical matters, and you visit them when you feel up to it and cry in the car park. But you also get to live your life. And that's important.
I didn`t dislike my mother but we never had a close relationship because she was selfish and always put herself first.
I felt sorry for her so became a duty carer.
I did what I could as long as I didn`t have to be hands on.
I shopped for her, checked on her, took her washing to a service launderette, got her a cleaner , tolerated her phone calls, organised day care and later residential care.
You can only do what you can in circumstances like this.
I felt sorry for her so became a duty carer.
I did what I could as long as I didn`t have to be hands on.
I shopped for her, checked on her, took her washing to a service launderette, got her a cleaner , tolerated her phone calls, organised day care and later residential care.
You can only do what you can in circumstances like this.
So brave Katherine to start this thread and be honest about how you feel. It's not an easy thing to admit. I appreciate and am grateful for everything my mother did for me but I wouldn't say we were close. As a child, I always felt that I could never quite live up to her expectations of what a daughter was supposed to be like and that has influenced our relationship ever since. She would not be the person I would go to with any problems.
Maybe that's why I find it hard sometimes to give her the emotional support I know she now needs, we've never been a 'huggy' kind of family. Mum would never like those birthday cards which she would have described as 'gushy' and I would have felt were insincere.
I'm much better at doing stuff that needs sorting out.
Maybe that's why I find it hard sometimes to give her the emotional support I know she now needs, we've never been a 'huggy' kind of family. Mum would never like those birthday cards which she would have described as 'gushy' and I would have felt were insincere.
I'm much better at doing stuff that needs sorting out.
Read RobinH comment
I do admire your honesty with regard to your feelings about your Mum. However, I do feel that you need to do some research into the general 'symptoms' of dementia and if after that you still have the same viewpoint; then research your local area for a good home and get your Mum onto the waiting list. Perhaps that sounds a little harsh, but, your Mum is probably going to get a lot worse before long. I love my Mum and my aunt, both of whom suffer from Alzheimer's. But I know I do not have the skills to care for them at home. Even after 3 years of Mum being in a home, I still feel guilty, but am grateful each and every day for the team of nurses, carers, cooks, cleaners, doctors and forth, who have enabled me to be such a cheerful and welcome visitor at her home.
I do admire your honesty with regard to your feelings about your Mum. However, I do feel that you need to do some research into the general 'symptoms' of dementia and if after that you still have the same viewpoint; then research your local area for a good home and get your Mum onto the waiting list. Perhaps that sounds a little harsh, but, your Mum is probably going to get a lot worse before long. I love my Mum and my aunt, both of whom suffer from Alzheimer's. But I know I do not have the skills to care for them at home. Even after 3 years of Mum being in a home, I still feel guilty, but am grateful each and every day for the team of nurses, carers, cooks, cleaners, doctors and forth, who have enabled me to be such a cheerful and welcome visitor at her home.
I'm a duty carer too. My relationship with my mum was never great. We are completely opposite in our outlook. I can identify with so many of the posts here.
Mum is in a CH, & has been for three years. I visit, make sure everything is as good as it can be & she is treated well.
I'm sorry that she's suffering dementia, but I still don't like her.
Lin x
Mum is in a CH, & has been for three years. I visit, make sure everything is as good as it can be & she is treated well.
I'm sorry that she's suffering dementia, but I still don't like her.
Lin x
It' s good to know that other people are in a similar situation isn't it? Even though you wouldn't wish that situation on anybody.
So there are a lot of us then...?
How glad I am to read the posts above. I realised the other day that I do not like the person my Mum has become as a result of Alzheimer's. I feel perfectly justified with the decision that she now needs to go in a CH after nearly 5 years of being cared for in our home by myself and my husband. So in a week's time, we will be taken her to a CH where there wil; be plenty of trained people to look after all her needs, and we will get our lives back on track again. Good luck to everyone else out there in a similar situation.
How glad I am to read the posts above. I realised the other day that I do not like the person my Mum has become as a result of Alzheimer's. I feel perfectly justified with the decision that she now needs to go in a CH after nearly 5 years of being cared for in our home by myself and my husband. So in a week's time, we will be taken her to a CH where there wil; be plenty of trained people to look after all her needs, and we will get our lives back on track again. Good luck to everyone else out there in a similar situation.
My relationship with my mum has always been difficult. I feel that I never really had a mum, never felt mothered, protected.
I'm an only child. When she became ill it was hard to assume the role of carer and protector. But I did. I really didn't feel like I had a choice. Just because she never protected me it didn't mean that I could leave her to strangers and walk away. Hey, even with everything I did for her the guilt that I couldn't do more was enormous, so the guilt monster would've eaten me up completely had I abandoned her. The other thing was/is that while she failed me terribly when I was a child, she has been a very good and loving grandmother to my boys, so I felt an obligation to make sure she was ok for their sake. And it would've been a horrible example for them, I think, to see their mother turn her back on grandma. Family dynamics are never simple, are they!
But, by some miracle, now that she's in a care home and settled things are better than they have ever been between us. She's happy to see me, I bring her treats, and while I still have enormously sad feelings about how much this disease has robbed her of, I do know that I've done the right thing for her. It's not a happy outcome as such but a decent enough one, given everything. I don't think I would be saying this if I was still trying to support her 'independent' living. That period was a nightmare for us both.
I'm an only child. When she became ill it was hard to assume the role of carer and protector. But I did. I really didn't feel like I had a choice. Just because she never protected me it didn't mean that I could leave her to strangers and walk away. Hey, even with everything I did for her the guilt that I couldn't do more was enormous, so the guilt monster would've eaten me up completely had I abandoned her. The other thing was/is that while she failed me terribly when I was a child, she has been a very good and loving grandmother to my boys, so I felt an obligation to make sure she was ok for their sake. And it would've been a horrible example for them, I think, to see their mother turn her back on grandma. Family dynamics are never simple, are they!
But, by some miracle, now that she's in a care home and settled things are better than they have ever been between us. She's happy to see me, I bring her treats, and while I still have enormously sad feelings about how much this disease has robbed her of, I do know that I've done the right thing for her. It's not a happy outcome as such but a decent enough one, given everything. I don't think I would be saying this if I was still trying to support her 'independent' living. That period was a nightmare for us both.