Advice on what to do next and how to go about it.

[redlos]

Hi Everyone. My mum passed away last yeara nd Dad already had mild dementia then. He has a mix of Alzheimers and Vascular Dementia. Since Mum went Dad's decline has been incredibly rapid and to give some idea and rough guide I suppose he'd be classed mentally as being in Stage 6. Physically, he's still able to move around is beginning to have problems with his bowels not sure if this is the inability to remember how to wipe himself or if he's actually being incontinent, but otherwise physically he's still in god shape at 87. He eats fine.
He needs help with everything, if left alone he wouldn't dress, wash or be able to eat or cook. He can't really function on any level with his personal or welfare affairs and fortunately all his bills etc are Direct Debit, but he wouldn't be able to carry out anything financially without help. Fortunately we are a large family of 8 kids and although we all live all over the place, take it in turns to care for Dad. I have a brother who lives with Dad full time, but he's had his own problems in life and is really nearing the point where he can't cope. The main reason for this is that Dad has just started becoming aggressive. He tried to hit my sister the other day and the following night my brother rang me to help him because Dad wouldn't calm down. He became aggressive and ended up taking a swipe at my brother and injured his arm. I had to take Dad to A&E the following day because the injury was quite nasty and my brother feels he's not sure how much more he can do.
We have been able to keep Dad at home because of my brother not working and we've given him breaks for 5 out of 7 days with a mixture of carers and us looking after Dad. Obviously some of us are better equipped at this than others, but at the end of the day if my brother can no longer cope there's nothing we can do other than look at Nursing homes, or is there.

We don't have a really good idea how things work and I wonder if contacting Dad's G.P who's very good and discussing things with him would be the first port of call. Is it worth getting a social worker involved. I've heard from some quarters that social workers can and do take over in cases like this getting rights through the Court of Protection leaving families without any say in what happens or is this just scaremongering.
When Mum was alive she had dementia too but was quite high functioning, Dad asked us to look into Power of Attorney for him but Mum got angry saying she was perfectly able to look after him and all the household affairs which she wasn't, so we couldn't do it, now we are in the position where he has little or no capacity for makimg decisions of any kind.

My questions are then, how do we go about putting Dad in a home, can we just do
it, or do we need to have some formal authority considering we are doing something that's our decision and not his, how does it work? I'm going to have a chat with his G.P anyway but would really appreciate some help.

At one time I would have fought tooth and nail not to have him in a home, but really I'm not sure Dad is any happier wherever he is,even when he's sitting quietly, he's not content. He's always in a perpetual state of anxiety about where he should be and who he should be with or what he should be doing. He barely recognises us any longer, just that we are people he seems to have a vague idea he knows and are kind to him. Thanks in advance.

 

[gerry200]

So sorry that things have reached this stage. I'm not the best to advise you as my mother is still at home with me but if I had to deal with such aggression from her, I too would have to consider a care home. She is aggressive and non compliant to care, but as she is bed bound and a frail 88, it is easy to cope with.

Anyway, it seems to me the question to start with is whether he would self fund his care or not as that has great influence as to where he would go. I would get a financial assessment done by social services before anything because even if he has substantial savings and can pay for his own care he may run out of funds in the future and have to revert to SS funded care. I would also start making appointments to look round some homes just to get a feel of what's available. Perhaps someone with more experience may come along here and give you better, more informed advice, in the meantime, there are loads of helpful factsheets here and I would also look up your own council's website for details of how it's paid for in your county.

It's a difficult step for you all - hope all goes well.

Gerry

 

[copsham]

I think you are so right to consider nursing home. I am one of several people on Talking point who are pleased that they made the decision and are happy with the nursing home in which their relative is placed.

We went through social services and it worked fine. A social worker was allocated to my mother. She was straightforward did an assessment and enabled it all to happen. We looked at several nursing homes and decided which one to go for. That was 18 months ago and now no looking back.

 

[MrsTerryN]

I am another where the nursing home has worked for my mother. She is socialising, gardening (her version) she is eating better, bathing now happens and if she has an accident regardless of day or night she is now worked out without issue.

 

[redlos]

Thanks for this. I suppose my real problem is that for me if my father had been aggressive, my next thought wouldn't have been,Nursing/Care Home, it would have been, what could I have done differently. I would be looking at ways I could allow him to do what he wants without putting him or me at risk and followed him, but allowed him to carry out his wish.

This physical aggression has only happened twice and I have to say that my sister is quite a panicky sort of person and my brother really would want to manage but for personal reasons can't. It's difficult when some of you feel it's worth trying harder and others have come to the end of the road, but as Dad lives with my brother he is the linch pin and without my brother's willingness to continue, it's all a lost cause.

I am however hopeful that since I wrote originally we've initiated a much more extensive care package, so my brother gets relief every single day for a minimum of 3/4 hours on Sundays and 6hrs in the week and Saturday, that this may give us an extension on Dad's time in his own home.

 

[copsham]

You sound like a lovely family rallying round but don't see it as a defeat if your father has to go into a nursing home. My mother has thrived and benefitted much more than when we were supporting her at home. The routine and others being around her, the compassion plus lots of visits is a wonderful balance for her.

Be careful to avoid having an emergency when he would be placed in any place that has a vacancy. A planned process is so much more kind to the person and their family

Best wishes