Just had my dad come to live with us he has Mixed Dementia

[Chemmy]

If I were in your position, I'd be throwing in the towel too. Some of us are can cope with being hands-on carers, some of us can't and I knew early on that I was in the latter camp. There's no shame in that. I still cared for my mum by arranging for her to have professional care and you need to do the same. I would be looking at moving him into a residential care home near you and going back to your role of being his daughter.

I may have missed the position re finances so apologies if I have. Would he be self-funding?

 

[LYN T]

Hi Lyn

I've just read the last three pages of your thread so I've got the gist of the Hell that you are going through.

Please phone SS's tomorrow and tell them you are no longer going to be a carer for your Dad. The only way I managed to get help was to tell them that I was going to take my Husband to A&E and leave him there. My stomach still churns over admitting that-but I did get some help in the form of daycare. You have to shout LOUDLY to these people.

Please pick up the phone-you are in a desperate state and are heading for Carers breakdown.

Lyn T XX

 

[loopylyn53]

Hearing aids

The radio in his sitting room came on booming through the house so I went in and asked him if I could turn it down a bit and he laughed and said that he couldn't hear it. I then realised he had no hearing aids in! I asked him where they were one was on the table open because he said he had a duff battery! I told him it didn't because we changed the batteries yesterday but he was adamant I hadn't. What do I do? Well I have to find the other one first, then maybe it would be better to take them off of him, is that wrong? These "fazes" seem to be more and more and less of the calm days. I cant do this anymore....... Thank you all you are the only friends I have at the moment. Went back in and found his hearing other hearing aid changed the batteries, (which I did yesterday) and hey presto they are working again! No doubt he will find something else that is wrong.

 

[Wolfsgirl]

My Mum doesn't have her hearing aids in now as she needed new ones but was not fit enough to attend the hospital so she does without and she manages. Tell him the aids are faulty and you have sent them back? They should squeak when handled, if not there is some problem (sorry if you know this already!

Never one to watch tv, my Mum now watches avidly with the subtitles on - would this work for your Dad?

I think Lyn T gave you good advice - did you?

x

The radio in his sitting room came on booming through the house so I went in and asked him if I could turn it down a bit and he laughed and said that he couldn't hear it. I then realised he had no hearing aids in! I asked him where they were one was on the table open because he said he had a duff battery! I told him it didn't because we changed the batteries yesterday but he was adamant I hadn't. What do I do? Well I have to find the other one first, then maybe it would be better to take them off of him, is that wrong? These "fazes" seem to be more and more and less of the calm days. I cant do this anymore....... Thank you all you are the only friends I have at the moment.

 

[loopylyn53]

Hearing aids

Well after my update about them working again, went back in and he has taken them out.... this is only reiterating what I was saying earlier, I can't do this all day and every day..... this is what is wearing me down not the physical side of things. I can manage to look after him in that department hygiene, meals, meds etc., But I am not equipped to deal with the dementia side of things and if its going to get worse I know I can't do it.

 

[loopylyn53]

Me

I would like to tell you lovely ladies that I am not usually this ranting, moaning, demented woman.... I was up until 9 weeks ago a very jolly lady, likes to help others and enjoyed my life. My sister said something yesterday that rung true, that if my dad knew what he was doing he wouldn't want to be here. I hate Alzheimers/dementia!!!

 

[Ann Mac]

Hi Ann Mac, I am so sorry about my last post I am feeling so alone, no-one seems to be doing anything, I am taking advice from here but the SS assessments take weeks the doctor didn't seem to of much help, my husband just doesn't know how to deal with it I think.... He has just asked me how I feel today, "same" I reply. I cant even look at my dad and I don't want to speak to him, its always something, my glasses aren't right, each hearing aid intermittently isn't working, wore his shoes all of a sudden yesterday, when I asked why, he said his slippers were too big. My husband can't understand why it is getting to me but when someone is complaining 24/7 it drags you down, of course then I feel guilty because I realise it is his dementia..... But I am looking after someone (a miserable, complaining someone at that) that I don't know, its not my dad and I don't know how to come back from here That's my husband off to the golf again for the day..........

Sweetheart, do not apologise - I absolutely understand the constant wearing down from the same things happening over and over, day after day - and I'll bet you anything that everyone else on here does too! Without daycare, I would have been a basket case, months ago - that break, just a few hours a day, 3 days a week, keeps me sane - and even then, I struggle sometimes! Like this morning - I have a lot of work to do (yeah, yeah - I know - so what am I doing on here, again? ) and Hubby and oldest were going to take Mil out shopping for a new outfit, and I was getting her ready - she started with 'I have no money' (she has, she just loses it so we hold on to it till needed) through to 'I had £5 in my purse last night' (She didn't) through to 'who's taking me?' and back to 'I have no money' - and that was over and over, and over and over - By the time she was ready and they left, I was ready to cry.

I know full well that caring for your Dad will have impacted on your normal personality and how you feel, so do not feel you have to explain that either, hun Lord knows, you have good reason to be feeling down and needing to vent - I'm just so grateful for TP for providing us with a place to 'vent' - I think most of us, not just you, need to do that sometimes xxxx

 

[Chemmy]

So, going forward, what is your preferred option, loopylyn?

 

[onlyme247]

Sent a message hope your feeling better this afternoon

 

[loopylyn53]

Moving forward

Haven't got a clue Chemmy, I just wish I hadn't agreed to this so easily. Oh yes we will come and see him once a week, if you need to go away we will have him. In 9 weeks my brother has been over twice, and not even called to see if he (and me) are ok. I think I must have "mug" written across my forehead. Had words with him this morning about his hearing aids, (felt like a real ogre afterwards) and he seems to have quietened down a bit. I will try SS again tomorrow. xx

 

[Chemmy]

If he's self-funding, you have far more options available at this point than if he's not. That information will help us help you.

 

[loopylyn53]

Self funding

Hi Chemmy, when the social worker talked to me on the phone she told me everyone is entitled to 28 "respite vouchers" a calendar year because it isn't means tested. But the day care etc., you have to have less than I think she said £22k or maybe £29k savings can't quite remember. So dad does have that so if I wanted a day centre we would have to pay. It angers me that he served in WW2 worked hard all his life and paid his national insurance and because he has looked after his money he has to pay for his care. So in short I think that makes him self funding. But I don't know where to start looking for day centres.....

 

[Beate]

That's terrible. Where I live all we have to pay is £3 lunch money for every Day Centre day, the rent is funded through SS. It's not means-tested here.

 

[Wolfsgirl]

I agree with you totally your Dad does not deserve to pay anything!!! However, and you might not like me saying this but I am sure in his right mind your Dad loves you so very much so he would be more than happy to spend some of his savings on making your life, and subsequently his, easier.

Sincerely wishing you the best I do feel for you x

Hi Chemmy, when the social worker talked to me on the phone she told me everyone is entitled to 28 "respite vouchers" a calendar year because it isn't means tested. But the day care etc., you have to have less than I think she said £22k or maybe £29k savings can't quite remember. So dad does have that so if I wanted a day centre we would have to pay. It angers me that he served in WW2 worked hard all his life and paid his national insurance and because he has looked after his money he has to pay for his care. So in short I think that makes him self funding. But I don't know where to start looking for day centres.....

 

[clareglen]

when the social worker talked to me on the phone she told me everyone is entitled to 28 "respite vouchers" a calendar year because it isn't means tested.

In our Local Authority we don't get paid respite, it is means tested the same as permanent residential care.

 

[Chemmy]

But I don't know where to start looking for day centres.....

The SW sorted out the one my mum went to - I think there had to be an official referral for that one. Mum had to pay for her place but I didn't resent that at all...it was a godsend, tbh, as it gave her some company.

However,my MIL's new CH actually runs a day centre which I suspect has to be paid for privately and I know there are couple near me which do the same. That always struck me as an excellent way of managing any transition to full time care as you would already be familiar with the staff and building.


This is a very useful site as it gives links to the individual homes in your area, depending on the search terms you enter.

http://www.carehome.co.uk/day-care-centres/

I would have thought that a day centre place was money well spent in the short term at least. From what you've said, your dad might resist the idea, but what you have to remember is that you, as the carer, have needs which matter too. Call it a senior citizens /lunch club if needs be. It would at least give you some breathing space to sort out some longer term plans.


The town where MIL lives also runs a Friday lunch club, again this is done on referral from the SW or GP. It's amazing whats around once you start looking. Have you checked what the Alzheimers Society runs in your area?

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents.php?categoryID=200121

 

[loopylyn53]

Funding

Whereabouts in Cumbria Claregen? I am in Carnforth Lancashire and the Social Worker told me everyone is entitled to the respite vouchers, maybe you should check maybe its changed...

 

[gerry200]

That's interesting about the vouchers as I'm in South Cumbria and the services are provided by the County Council so far as I knew and I'm surprised there is any variation within the county. We are in South Lakeland but we get services through the Barrow office.

We've just had a hiatus as the voucher scheme has now been withdrawn whilst they put in a direct payments scheme instead, but the guy doing it went off sick so there has been a gap since April. Several of the services for my mother were contracted by social services between the care agency and daycentre . The voucher scheme however, was flexible in that I could ring up the care agency directly to book when I needed though we still paid for it through direct debit to the CC.

The Cumbria funding seems very complicated to me and it is worthwhile checking it out on the CC website. Basically, if you have any income above the basic pension, then you will make a contribution towards the cost of Daycare or agency care as well as respite care. So my mother's teacher pension on top of state pension means she pays up to a cap of around £300 per month (sorry it's just gone up and I don' t have the exact figure to hand). Respite is calculated differently though still discounted and there is a cap of 4 weeks per year at the discounted rate. She is below the savings limit.

It means that, with the amount of care my mother gets, all her higher rate attendance allowance goes out each month on her care. However, she has now just qualified for NHS funded care because of her condition, so she won't pay anything from now until the next review in 3 months, apart from respite.

I'm amazed at the different schemes and rates in operation around the country - it really is a postcode lottery isn't it!

Gerry

 

[loopylyn53]

Funding

Hi Gerry, We have just moved from Burton in Kendal (which would have come under South Lakeland) The move to Carnforth was to upsize to allow us to take Dad in, so now we come under Lancashire Council. I think I will call Social Services today and see if they can explain it again. She did mention that rather than them issuing vouchers the scheme was changing and the payment would be put straight into my bank and I organised and paid for the respite etc., The only thing she was vague on was a Day Care Centre. She definitely said that was means tested and that if my dad had more that £29k he would have to pay for it his self. I had asked as it would be great that if I knew say on Tuesday that I was going to get a day to myself, I could maybe not be getting so stressed, because it is so full on 24/7. I am crossing my fingers that we have a good day (I think we might) I can usually tell how he is going to be and when we got up this morning he had a big smile on his face! But that can change with the slightest thing. In my eyes there is no room for debate our elderly and more times than not sick (Alzheimers etc.,) should qualify automatically for funding. We are taking the burden away from the NHS, so we should be given the help to deal with the situation after all we are not professionals we are just family who care.

 

[jeany123]

Whereabouts in Cumbria Claregen? I am in Carnforth Lancashire and the Social Worker told me everyone is entitled to the respite vouchers, maybe you should check maybe its changed...

Just because you are entitled to the vouchers doesn't necessarily mean that it is free we are entitled to 4 weeks respite a year but we had a financial assessment and even though we have much less than the £14000 lower amount savings my husband still has to pay towards daycare and homecare and more towards respite,