Role reversal – from child to parent

[Auntiep]

I’m struggling with the inevitable role-reversal with my Mum and me. I have recently (past few months) had to take on more of her personal care, toileting, meals/feeding etc on a day to day basis since she came to live with us. It is just so hard! I am her only child, and I’ve always been very obedient (that’s what we are taught in our culture, not to contradict parents, do as you’re told, etc). I struggle getting her to do things, eg drink, wash, take medication, etc. Also, I’ve never had babies of my own, or younger siblings so I have no idea how to deal with children/toddlers. What do I do?

Thanks

P x

 

[lizzybean]

Hi Auntie P, you know what to do, you are doing it. Maybe not as well as you think you should but you are doing your best. That is the same as us who have had children. Nobody had a handbook, we just muddled thru, learning on the job. You find something that works and you stick with it, then all of a sudden it doesn't work anymore so you find a new solution (eventually).
I'm not making light of your situation just trying to let you know that parents go thru a lot of the same anguish and that it doesn't make it much easier when you suddenly become a carer, cos you are not supposed to be doing this kind of thing to your elders.
Hope that makes sense. Chin up.

 

[Witzend]

Can you think back to how your mother was with you when you were little? And act a little bit like that? Though if she was very strict, as many parents were years ago, you might have to tone it down a bit...

To be honest, regardless of culture, the vast majority of us were probably brought up to do as we were told, not answer back, etc. I know I was.

Many people find that a calm, practical, no-nonsense approach works best - and don't ask whether someone would like to do this or that - just tell them, or else get on with whatever is necessary without any discussion at all. Nobody asks a 2 year old if they'd like to have their face washed or whatever - or if they are daft enough they'll very likely get a NO! - we just get on and do it.

 

[Auntiep]

Nobody asks a 2 year old if they'd like to have their face washed or whatever - or if they are daft enough they'll very likely get a NO! - we just get on and do it.

This is exactly the kind of thing I don't know. Maybe that makes me daft??!!!

 

[SallySC]

it is a shock to the system having to parent your own mum or dad, but you do get used to it eventually. Just use your common sense and ask yourself 'if I was in this situation what would I like to be done for me and how would I like to be spoken to?. What would be right for you may work well for your mum. i find keeping calm (at least on the surface) being firm, being kind and being respectful works well most of the time. Also try to give choice, keep it simple but say things like "would you like to have a bath or a shower". You've made it clear they're going to have a wash but they can choose how they would like it done. It helps them to feel confident and gives them a sense of control when so much of their life seems out of control. Hope this helps.

Make sure you make time for you as well, get help in to support you.

Take care. xx

 

[lizzybean]

Of course you are not daft. Any questions of that sort, get on here & ask! Nobody will think you are foolish for asking anything at all. As I said we are all learning on the job & nobody has all the answers. Until you come up against something new you don't even know the problem is out there, so how can you possibly have a solution at your fingertips.

 

[Auntiep]

Thank you everyone.

The particular situation I find difficult is when I'm trying to get her to do something, like eat, and she starts telling me to eat (just one example). I think in her head I am still a little girl?

Px

 

[lizzybean]

You prob are. Can you eat at the same time as her, even if it is only a bit of something? Then you can say "yes, look I am eating too but you have to eat aswell, come on now just a bit more" or something along those lines. Is her eating prob down to not wanting to eat cos she's not hungry or can't manage knife & fork/spoon anymore or her reluctance to eat cos you aren't?

 

[stanleypj]

You are obviously a thoughtful and sensitive person, otherwise you wouldn't be asking the question. So you immediately have two important aspects that will help you as a carer and I suspect that you are already a competent carer who is still learning - as are we all.

In a way, it might be better that you haven't had children or younger siblings. Yes, in a sense you're starting from scratch, but those of us who have had children or younger siblings might be at something of a disdvantage. When all's said and done, you're not actually dealing with a child. Though we can all see certain similarities between the behaviour of adults living with dementia and children, the person you are looking after has had a lifetime of experience. Though this is often not obvious, any adult will probably, at least at times, resent the feeling that they might experience that they are being treated like a child.

You've given an example of the difference - when your mum responds as she does to you trying to get her to eat, she is not behaving like a child.

The advice others have given is very sound. It is based on what has worked for others and may work for you. Give it a try.

But it's not necessary to think of your mother as a child. Indeed, it could be unhelpful at times.

 

[lexy]

deleted

 

[Noorza]

This is exactly the kind of thing I don't know. Maybe that makes me daft??!!!

I have found that using sales techniques can help something like the assumptive technique, where you assume the answer will be yes. (I've adapted these from my days in sales).

"You'll feel so much better with a fresh face, we'll do it now" so you are not really asking but seeking agreement without actually asking her to make a decision.

Another one is the alternative technique.

"Let's freshen up, would you like to use the red or the yellow flannel?"

Not sure if they may help at all.

 

[Noorza]

not daft, if you are then I am as I am struggling too btw with the same kind of issues.