Racist comments

[BR_ANA]

Have been looking at the comments about behaviour. My husband who is now in the moderate to severe phase of vascular dementia. Lately he has. Started making comments of a sexual innuendo at random times. It's ok with people we know well we just laugh and say "behave yourself" as they understand the problem but with anyone else it's so embarrassing. He seems pretty obsessed with sex just now as if he's 25 (raging hormones as my carer counsellor says). He's 76! He chats to any woman he comes in contact with saying he could easily get another woman. It's really getting me down and I don't know how to handle it. Any suggestions please.

It is harder for a partner than for a daughter.

I and sister use to say we loose mom, she was changed for a dementia daughter.

For us, dementia hurts us, dementia stole mom, dementia made mom not recognise us. So we hate dementia and we love mom.

 

[Brucie]

I think to a degree, the comments reflect the people as care-givers, not anything about them personally. The fact seems to be in places I have been, that a large proportion of care-givers and nurses are from South Africa, the Philippines, or the Asian subcontinent.

For a person who has dementia, and who resents others doing things of a personal nature for them, or even sitting with them uninvited, resentment can lead to comments, and the main thing the person sees is what the people look like, not the kindness they show, or don't show.

We had, for a short time, a couple of ladies who came to our home (this was back in the early 1990s) to sit with my late wife Jan, when I went out to get some shopping in. To be social and to try to stimulate conversation, they would share tea and some biscuits with her.

On my return, and after they had gone, Jan would ask me why these 'fat women' came into her house, and that they only came to eat her biscuits. Admittedly, the ladies concerned were a tad overweight, but they were really good. Later, when some friends would drop in to see Jan, they would also be accused of being there to take her biscuits after they had left. I think this 'theft' was a kind of euphemism for her losing her abilities, which she also often accused me of stealing from her.

The same sort of thing is happening with the elderly relative we are caring for now. She hates being dressed, etc, by the carers who come in morning and evening, and gets very vocal about it.

She also talks of finding herself a new man - her husband is 84, so is a toy boy in her terms as she is 92! She gets quite embarrassingly explicit at times.

Just another stage along the route, in my opinion.

 

[Rageddy Anne]

What will be interesting will be what the next generation and the one after that are saying when they are being rude, if they get dementia. Will there still be racism? Or will all that have been left behind? We tried to bring up our children completely unconscious of racial differences, and later on I was proud that if they encountered racism they would protest. So if Dementia still hasn't been conquered in fifty years time, I wonder what form the rudeness will take.

 

[Isis2000]

My father in law has made us cringe on more than one occasion - he's 91 and while he's now in a care home and not really able to communicate the staff tell us he's not above grabbing the occasional breast or bottom when they are trying to change him! They take it all in their stride but we are embarrassed on his behalf because he was never like that before his dementia set in.

There was also one occasion about 3 years ago when he was in hospital and was being visited by a lovely social worker who was from the Caribbean. He took great delight in telling her that when he was in the RAF during the war he was based in Africa and that he "never had any trouble with the natives"! Cue us wishing for the proverbial hole in the floor to open up.

He's spent a fair bit of time in and out of hospital and when he could still communicate used to say things like "there's far too many (insert racist 4 letter word beginning with "w"!) in this country". Awful, really embarrassing and the lovely staff always ignored it or just smiled but we felt terrible.

 

[Madge99]

My Dad is another one guilty of this. "Why are all these foreigners coming over here taking our jobs?" was one of his favourite questions.
In 1947 my Dad came here from Latvia, eventually took British Nationality, and now seems to think he's more British than anyone. You just can't argue that that is what he did!
What he doesn't realise is that he has always spoken with an accent, and since having dementia his accent is even more pronounced.

 

[Not so Rosy]

My Dad asks everyone who he perceives to be non UK born where they are from. Dad spent lots of his life abroad and can do a lot of languages to a reasonable level so he loves to be able to greet the carers or CH staff in their native language. I always hold my breath though every time he asks. It is all very strange really as he cant remember where he lives now, not even the county but can regale tales of daring do from all round the world.

As for accents and dementia, Dad is originally from Liverpool but had a very faint accent, now it has become a lot stronger.

 

[Lainey 127]

Oh heck! Seems I'm not the only carer going through this; I wish there was a way to get through to Mum but I know I'm banging my head against a brick wall. You're all quite right, dementia carers and CH staff should be trained to take such behaviour in their stride, it's me that feels uncomfortable and embarassed. I'll just carry on and apologise for any offence Mum causes.