Tips for conversations, anyone?

[CollegeGirl]

I hope this isn't a silly question, but I'm going to ask it anyway.

My mam will occasionally agree to speak to me on the telephone, just for a minute or two, when I've phoned dad.

I love to talk to her, and hear her say things to me, but it's difficult to have a two-way conversation of any kind at all.

I don't want the couple of minutes to just be a monologue from me, and mam can't answer most questions, even ones like 'are you feeling okay?' I don't expect to have a sensible conversation, but I would like to be able to hear her answer me, with anything at all.

Any tips of how we can have a short, simple chat that feels nice for both of us? Luckily she does recognise my voice, which is a bonus.

 

[annii1]

Oh, it's so hard, so sad isn't it! I can't really advise. When I see my mum I want her to know I love her and I am thinking about her, so I know it's not a conversation as such fir you but if you only have a short time on the phone I would try to say love you mum, thinking about you, which I am sure you do anyway. Best wishes

 

[CollegeGirl]

Actually, anni, as silly as this sounds, I don't! I tend to say that whenever I see her but hadn't thought of it over the phone. i'm too busy trying to drum up a conversation with her, my tired brain didn't think of that, duh! I will do it and see if she responds to it. Usually when I say it she says 'Thank you'. Even that would be nice.

 

[MeganCat]

Communication by telephone has become almost impossible for me - I do empathise! I used to talk about mums dog - what a good boy he'd been, she liked talking about him - meaningless in the scheme of things but she enjoyed talking about him - albeit the same sentences over and over. At the end of the call she'd always respond to 'I love you' though

 

[Isabella]

I hope this isn't a silly question, but I'm going to ask it anyway.

My mam will occasionally agree to speak to me on the telephone, just for a minute or two, when I've phoned dad.

I love to talk to her, and hear her say things to me, but it's difficult to have a two-way conversation of any kind at all.

I don't want the couple of minutes to just be a monologue from me, and mam can't answer most questions, even ones like 'are you feeling okay?' I don't expect to have a sensible conversation, but I would like to be able to hear her answer me, with anything at all.

Any tips of how we can have a short, simple chat that feels nice for both of us? Luckily she does recognise my voice, which is a bonus.

Hi CollegeGirl

I used to find calling my mum absolute torture as she never said anything. Please don't assume that because she isn't saying much that your mother isn't happy with the conversation. Mine always used to say she was happy to be with me (I guess she meant talk to me) even though all I did was babble on about nothing, she was comforted by the sound of my voice. She struggled with conversation very early on and actually I think found it upsetting when she wanted to speak but couldn't get it out, so I stopped trying to make her talk.

Sadly now she no longer answers the phone and I feel bad that I dreaded those few minutes every evening, when it made her so happy,

Don't give up, just tell her good news and tell her you're thinking of her. I'm sure that's all she wants.

Issy

 

[cragmaid]

Try...I had Shepherd's Pie for tea.....you used to make that on a Wednesday when I came from school....change menu to suit
I'm wearing my blue cardigan today Mum, what colour is yours? We went to Marksies shopping to buy that...cue more shop names and old trips.
Talk about your/her school...what did she like best...drawing,sums etc....it's for a project.......
I saw a picture of Blackpool,Southampton, Glasgow... wherever today - do you remember when we went to.......

I think it is less important about the content and much more valuable to keep talking.

 

[babystar]

Whenever I talk to my Mum on the phone it's always me blabbing on and on and just getting "yeah", "oh right", or laughter as a response. Which is kind of the same face to face too!

Have found, like previously suggested, that talking about things in the past can get a response. Just recently I have been testing Mum with things like "do you remember my old violin teacher, what was her name...?", "where was it we used to go on holiday...?", "remember when Dad said my car was like a rocket...?" etc, and she knows exactly what I'm on about and can answer. Definitely see more of a reaction to reminiscing, may work over the phone too.

I think at the end of the day you just have to believe that even if they can't have a conversation as such any more that it means something to them just to hear you talking.

 

[scspencer]

I know this isn't particularly having a conversation, but when I speak to/see my Grannie/the clients that I work with if it's proving hard to have a 'proper' conversation I sing their favourite songs or poems. My Grannie particularly likes the old songs by Frank Sinatra and Dorris Day etc. Sometimes I prefer just singing, because I know that they're enjoying it and it's actually stimulating their memory, it quite often then starts a conversation about a memory. Hope this helps x

 

[CJinUSA]

Hello. My mother lives with me, and my sisters call in sometimes. I find it works best if they talk about their pets (my mother always loved the pets we had). They always seem to want to talk about themselves in present time. My mother can't connect with that. It's better to talk about old times that feature the loved one. "I am thinking about making a coconut custard pie today, Mom. Your pies were always so delicious! I remember when you always made one for X when they visited, because if you didn't make one, he'd ask you why!" or "I remember when we used to go swimming by the lake, and you were the lifeguard, but you couldn't swim! No one ever thought about that!" or "I remember when you taught me how to drive. You were so patient with me when I screwed up. I was grateful you were willing to take the time with me, and I'm so grateful now to have had such a skilled driving teacher, given the crazy drivers on the road." "I remember how beautiful you were in that red halter dress that was so stylish. I'm that age now, and I couldn't begin to wear so gracefully that dress you used to wear. You're a knockout, Mom!"

That is, I suggest you tell stories about things you remember that either tend to praise your elder or else make a joke that the elder herself or himself used to make. Calling up those old family stories or often-discussed events will usually prompt a laugh, or even a comment. Yes, you have to become the storyteller. But you should see the expressions of delight on the other end. They are so welcome to the ones giving care on the other end.

Lovely to hear you still want to connect with your elder. Connect on their terms, and you'll bring them such delight. Everyone loves praise.

 

[Twoode]

Talking about the past is always good. My mum always tells me the same stories about when the bombs came over and the jobs she has had but it doesnt matter. I bought her some books with lots of pictures in of where she was born and a book on the 40s which is great as it prompts a conversation about fashion, food, jobs etc. Good luck. Its a tough one but worth it.

 

[at wits end]

When I get stuck for conversation with gran I always tell her what I have planned for dinner and ask how she would cook them. Eg I've got sausages out of the freezer for dinner. Do you think I should do mash or chips with them, or do you think they would cook better in the oven or a frying pan?
Usually prompts some sort of knowlegable reply!

 

[CollegeGirl]

Thank you all so much, these are certainly things that I will try

Sadly mam has few long term memories now and often talks nonsense. Not gobbledegook as such, but sentences that just don't make sense.

 

[AlsoConfused]

I've found this conversation very helpful too. Talking to Mum face to face is easy but it's been so hard to think of topics for 'phone conversations which wouldn't challenge or upset her.

Mum confabulates a lot too. Sometimes that makes the conversation easier (eg talking about all those imaginary visitors!) but often it's plain heart-breaking.

 

[copsham]

The level of conversation really highlights the reality of the dementia. No getting away from it.

My mum is so variable. Sometimes she will ask about my sisters and what they are doing which seems so normal. Another time she will think i have had just a baby (I am 62!!). Then very meaningfully she will say did you know I had twins. This was 66 yrs ago and they died at birth.

Sometimes it is helpful for me to initiate conversation but other times just sit with her. On the "just sitting with her" occasions , I wonder whether it is worth visiting but on other occasions she will say "I am lucky to have you". I love it when she actually asks me to do something for her eg get bed socks because her feet are cold. It is easier when I feel useful, but thats my needs not hers!






The communication is so unpredictable but over time i have learnt to go with the flow.

 

[Helen33]

Hello CG,

I have a sister with Down's syndrome. Alan had FTD dementia which meant get lost intelligibIe speech and language. love being with her because there is more for Linda to respond to. Over the phone it is very difficult because there is only my voice and words. I realised that Linda just needs to hear my voice and to be reassured she can come on Sundays for lunch. Our regular Friday evening calls are no longer than a minute or two which satisfies her. I realise she just can't do any more and for me to try would end up in me feeling dissatisfied.

I wonder whether it might help you to accept that your mum can't do what you feel you would like but maybe she can benefit from a very short call so she can hear your voice. Perhaps you could think about a sort sentence which you could repeat each time you call her. It would seem very unsatisfactory for a person with good speech and language abilities but it may feel good to a person whose speech and language is seriously impaired.

Love

 

[babystar]

My Mum also talks a lot of gobbledegook, usually picking out words that have just been said on the telly, or are on the newspaper, and putting them in a sentence which I am pretty sure is about something else! It's very difficult face to face to make any sense of it, let along on the phone. Try talking about the past more and see if it works- you may think the long term has gone but it is more likely to be there than the recent stuff, so may understand more.

When I speak to my Mum on the phone the call is never very long. She either calls to ask something, or I call to tell her something, and that's it. So 1-2 mins at the most. I think just making the connection is what counts, not who says what or how long for. Your voice is probably comfort enough.

 

[AlsoConfused]

When I speak to my Mum on the phone the call is never very long. She either calls to ask something, or I call to tell her something, and that's it. So 1-2 mins at the most.

I think it's the length of our 'phone calls that make the conversation so difficult for me - that and my belief (well-founded or not) that I have to do the "work" in making the conversation flow because Mum can't. I'd normally speak to my Dad for a good 10 - 15 minutes and that's what I try to do with Mum (so she doesn't feel she's any less important or less loved than Dad is).

 

[oldfella]

what we used to do

Hi College Girl, its very hard I know but I find that talking about things we used to do together or places we have visited at least keeps a conversation going, because even if whoever it is can't remember at least it gives you the opportunity to keep asking questions and this keeps conversation going. I have had very long although sometimes one way chats to both my dad and now my wife both with AD. I hope this helps. I do think maybe just the sound of a familiar voice is sometimes comfort enough.

 

[CollegeGirl]

Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts and experiences, you are all so kind. I will try everything you have suggested.

Mam will only stay on the phone for maybe a minute or two at the most. Although I'm fairly sure she recognises my voice, anything I say to or ask of her just seems to confuse her. The only thing she seems to be able to comprehend, sometimes, is the weather being hot, cold, windy, rainy, etc so I usually say something along those lines, which she then can agree with. After just a very short time she asks me if I want to talk to B (my dad). Most of the time she doesn't say 'your dad' but calls him by name - she can't always work out what any of our relationships are.

I honestly don't know if she feels comforted, or confused, by hearing my voice.

 

[Anongirl]

This is what I wonder too CG, whether my mum is comforted or confused by my voice. Her concentration span is very short these days too so I usually talk about the weather because she sits next to the window and can physically see what I'm talking about. I also tell her about the children too because she usually takes in that information quite well. X