Visiting mum in the care home

[BromptonDavid]

My mother went into a care home about five weeks ago. She seems ok. It's not like home, of course, but most of the time she seems alright.

I was just wondering if folks have any advice about how often to visit. My father goes every day for a couple of hours. I wonder if he should go less often as he sometimes comes back a bit upset. I am sure that within half an hour of his leaving she will have forgotten he's been.

What do people think/advise?

 

[copsham]

Once my mum was settled in her nursing home I got in to a routine of once a week visit. When I arrive she greets me as a long lost relative who she has not seen for years (if she remembers who I am). I visit more frequently if she has an infection or has appts etc. Some times I feel guilty for not visiting more often by I do know thast she is well looked after.

 

[FifiMo]

hiya David,

There are no rules about how often to visit. I think with your dad that you also have to consider his needs and if, for him, visiting every day is what he wants to do then I would let it happen. The worst thing I would be worried about is if something happened to your mum and your dad felt that he could have done more or that things might have been different if he had just visited that day, that sort of thing.

I might have a conversation with him to say that you will support him whatever he needs to do. It might also be helpful to accompany your dad a few times to see what is happening when he is there. This should be about him getting support too when he is there. Do they encourage him to interact with other relatives etc when he is there or does he spend time in your mum's room with her on his own. If this is the case then perhaps get both of them along to the lounge and get him introduced to other relatives that are there, that kind of thing. In my mother's care home there was an air of a sort of social club, especially with the ones that visited every day. My mother knew all the relatives and this just added to the feeling that it was like an extended family rather than hospital visiting, if you see what i mean.

Fiona

 

[dottyd]

Once my mum was settled in her nursing home I got in to a routine of once a week visit. When I arrive she greets me as a long lost relative who she has not seen for years (if she remembers who I am). I visit more frequently if she has an infection or has appts etc. Some times I feel guilty for not visiting more often by I do know thast she is well looked after.

I'm in the same boat.

I go about every 10 days because I cannot bear the upset when staff have to sneak me out.

It really is horrible. Mum is well and looks good but she really misses me and I miss her.

I took her a load of Primark glitzy jewellery and she played for ages with it.

I love my mum and miss her so much!

I came home exhausted and felt like someone had thrown a switch. I climbed onto the bed and slept deeply for about 45 minutes.

Weird!

 

[Witzend]

I got into a routine of once a week with my mother, too. I would have gone more often, since the CH is very close, but for a long time it was very stressful, since she was constantly asking or demanding to go home (though apparently OK when I wasn't there.)
I would have to psych myself up to go - my stomach would be in knots every time.

 

[Neph]

I go once a week, she has no idea who I am but does get some comfort from it. Wish I did.

I think you have to let your dad go as often as he wants, it is hard but he will find his own routine soon enough.

 

[virg]

I think that, depending on the stage of dementia, you have to accept that the visit is for you, rather than for the resident and so you have to do what makes you feel ok.

My Dad visits 4 times a week and I go 3 times but I think Mum wouldn't notice or care whether we visited at all as that is the stage she is at.

 

[retiredcopper]

MIL went into a nursing home in December & I have been visiting 3 times a week - hubby joins me once a week. I go at lunchtime so I can try & get her to eat & it releases a carer to feed other residents. In the last 10 days MIL has stopped eating & is getting frailer by the day so I am now visiting every day.

The husband of another resident comes every lunchtime to visit his wife & although she doesn't recognise him any more he appears to get some comfort in knowing he is there for her each day. If you think the daily visits are getting too much for your dad maybe try & get him to take a day off each week to have a rest, follow a hobby or spend time with other family members. That one day a week may be enough to recharge his batteries emotionally without him feeling he is leaving mum alone for too long? Try & explain about 'carer fatigue' and that he will be no good to mum if he burns himself out. At the end of the day though it will be his choice.

 

[Caroleca]

I visit mom once a week...not for long and just before her lunch. She has been there since the new year and is still asking to go home....but she is getting more accepting. She will not watch tv so I took her up a small CD player....which I was happy she liked...however her concern is, what will I do with it when I go home? She wants to know if I can pick it up when she goes home...I find it heartbreaking because she will not be going home.
Dad visits her most every day...he appears more relaxed these days as mom spent a lot of time in and out of the hospital emergency and in and out of temporary care until he found a good home. Sometimes he feels so guitly when she keeps asking to go home...but he is learning how to handle that better. He is 85 and exhausted, but she is obsessed with dad and very possessive with him at the home. He also gave her a phone...and she calls him probably 10 times a day or more but I think he's okay with that for now as at least he knows she is safe ( he also thinks she's "checking up on him". .......I do not phone her as I am scared that she will be disappointed if it's not dad! But I do the weekly visits and then get to see dad also. Dad and I usually go for a lunch (sister too)...but we don't tell mom as she would be upset.

 

[BromptonDavid]

Thank you everyone. I very much appreciate you taking the time to write.

 

[Saffie]

I think it is different for spouses and for sons and daughters.
I used to visit my husband every day when he was in the 2 hospitals for over 8 months, staying for long periods.
This continued when he was transferred to the the nursing home for some time.
In hospital he kept thinking that I had left him so he needed the reassurance my visits gave him - I hope they did anyway, even if only for a short time.

Once my husband was more or less as settled as he will ever be in the nursing home and I realised that this was going to be an integral part of my life for a long time, I gradually reduced my visits and now go every other day and Sunday, making 4 or sometimes 5 days a week.

He is now asleep a lot of the time an communication is practically zero but this is something I feel I need to do as I am still his wife and his care is still my responsibility despite the nurses and carers playing their parts.

David, your father might also be thinking this way. He has to do what he feels comfortable with.

 

[jaymor]

Like Saffie, I visited my husband every day for around 8/9 months until I was sure I knew how the nursing home worked through a whole day. When I was happy the care was all it should be I then dropped the odd day and then every other day. Works well for us, grandchildren visit too.

When my patents were alive I saw them once a week on a Saturday. Although neither of my parents needed care outside of the home I think I would have visited once or may be twice a week.

I have a need to see my husband although he does not know me, I know him and I need to see him. I still care as I did at home. When you live with someone for many years, 48 in my case, then there is a great connection that is difficult to break and your Father probably feels this at the moment. If it is what he wants support him but let him know it is alright if he misses the odd day. Your Father is as important as your Mum is regarding carer

Jay




Sent from my iPad using Talking Point mobile app