Lucky?

[gringo]

I have been told that I should consider myself pretty lucky because I am in my eighties and still here (with a bag of marbles)!
My wife has AD. and for the first time in 64 years we are separated, with her in a CH. wanting to come home, but not sure whether we are married or not. I find the separation very difficult, and the loneliness is beyond description.
However, she still recognises me and is usually glad to see me. Reading other posts, I know that, many other members do not have that good fortune. Although I fear that it will probably happen, I dread the day that she will not recognise me, and my heart goes out to those already experiencing that dreadful situation.
I find that being told that I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself, having no shoes, when others have no feet, is puzzling. I would feel very sorry for any poor chap with no feet, but I can’t see that that makes being shoeless on a rocky road, anything to be happy about.
So, should I consider myself lucky? When I am with my wife, definitely yes! And I would then agree with those who say I should count my blessings. But at three in the morning, sleepless, alone in an empty flat, I would feel like shooting whoever tells me how lucky I am!

 

[2jays]

I hear you.

I have No words so eloquent as yours

Thinking of you

 

[jeany123]

Oh Gringo I am so sorry,
Things are usually worse when you can't sleep at 3 in the morning but in this case I could be wrong,

Best wishes Jeany xx

 

[angecmc]

No Gringo, lucky would be having everything you wish for and clearly you do not. Sending you hugs xx

Ange

 

[LYN T]

Gringo-lucky! No way!

This week I was in a supermarket and I heard a woman being really uncaring and nasty to her Husband. She was telling him (and lots of other people in the vicinity) how hopeless he was/how he didn't do anything etc etc. The poor Husband looked on in a very sad, embarrassed way and I felt like telling her to appreciate what she had.She had no idea how to value him.

I would never speak to my Husband like that (before AD or during)-I suppose we were lucky once-'I'm not sure the man in the supermarket ever was lucky

Like you, Gringo, I feel as though my luck has run out now.

Have a big hug from me.

Take care

Lyn T

 

[Rageddy Anne]

I have been told that I should consider myself pretty lucky because I am in my eighties and still here (with a bag of marbles)!
My wife has AD. and for the first time in 64 years we are separated, with her in a CH. wanting to come home, but not sure whether we are married or not. I find the separation very difficult, and the loneliness is beyond description.
However, she still recognises me and is usually glad to see me. Reading other posts, I know that, many other members do not have that good fortune. Although I fear that it will probably happen, I dread the day that she will not recognise me, and my heart goes out to those already experiencing that dreadful situation.
I find that being told that I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself, having no shoes, when others have no feet, is puzzling. I would feel very sorry for any poor chap with no feet, but I can’t see that that makes being shoeless on a rocky road, anything to be happy about.
So, should I consider myself lucky? When I am with my wife, definitely yes! And I would then agree with those who say I should count my blessings. But at three in the morning, sleepless, alone in an empty flat, I would feel like shooting whoever tells me how lucky I am!

Alone in an empty flat at three in the morning is such a very bleak place to be, and I wish I had words of comfort. Not feeling lucky at that time is completely understandable. A silly word, lucky.

 

[Saffie]

But at three in the morning, sleepless, alone in an empty flat, I would feel like shooting whoever tells me how lucky I am!

If it helps - and I doubt if it does - you are not alone in that. I am certainly often awake at this time and I live alone - but I put on an an audio book which helps to take my thoughts away from reality and into the lives of others in a fantasy land. There are many others here who are in the same situation too.

I don't regard myself as either lucky or unlucky, I am just me, trying to cope with what life has dealt and making the best of it as far as I am able. Yes, I cry and feel sad and sometimes lonely but I am warm, well fed (too well some might say!) and in reason able health.
You know the saying'Into every life a little rain must fall' - or words to that effect - well, sometimes it's a shower and sometimes a damn great storm but most people experience that rain at sometime in their lives, in some way.

The person I do feel sorry for is my husband. He is the one who has lost his life and everything it represented to him and has to live the semi-existence of dementia. I can, with a lot of willpower, make changes to my life, he can't.

I wonder if you have mentioned your feelings to your doctor, Gringo as you do sound to be very depressed. I hate to think of you feeling so very miserable.

 

[Skye]

For me, "luck" is a sliding scale. Sort of a glass half- full/half-empty situation.

I feel unlucky that John had dementia, but lucky that for a number of years language-loss was his only symptom. For someone else, that would have been a nightmare.

I feel unlucky that he developed pneumonia and died, much earlier than expected. But lucky that he didn't have to suffer end-stage dementia.

Unlucky that he was diagnosed only four years after we were married, but oh so lucky that we met.

Though we are now apart, I still feel the joy that he brought to me.

So that's my sliding scale. I agree gringo that I don't find it helpful to be told that there are people worse off than me, my sliding scale is personal to me. But probably some people see my tag line as a pious platitude. All I can say is, it works for me.

Gringo, I agree with Saffie. If you are feeling as badly as that, please get some help. If not your GP, please try Samaritans.

xxxxx

 

[Scarlett123]

Everything seems awful at 3 in the morning, unless you're on honeymoon! This seems to be the time that John wakes up, asking if it's time to go out, go on holiday, is it Christmas today, go shopping etc, and although he can drop off immediately afterwards, I can't.

I think you've been fortunate, Gringo, that you've had 64 years with the woman you love, and who loves you and still recognises you. You are indeed fortunate if you have reached your 80s, and are still fully in charge of your bag of marbles. It's easy to think that you haven't been lucky if you haven't collected the winning hand of cards in life, but if you've got some of the cards, you're better off than the poor soul with no cards at all.

I know I tend to bristle inside when people make thoughtless (IMHO) remarks, and, like you, would wish for a gun at times, but I know I'm lucky to be able to fight for everything John needs, carewise, and I have sufficient money to afford everything he wants in life. This may not cost much, such as his favourite dessert, but there are many who can't afford even that.

I don't know if your wife is self funding in her Care Home, or if her fees are paid, but I consider I'm lucky that, should John need to go into a Care Home, and has to be self funding, that I have been prudent enough to have saved sufficient money to fund that for a good few months at least.

I thank God that I can still get pleasure from reading, watching TV, meeting friends, well, those who are still in touch, and my family, and I consider I'm very lucky to have met John in the first place, and had a long and happy marriage. That's something that others, through no fault of their own, are often denied.

You're absolutely right that walking the rocky path, without shoes, is painful, and there's no reason to cheer, but it's possible that there might be a pair of discarded shoes in the bushes - that fit! It must be rotten having to leave your wife, especially after so many years together, but what joy that she still knows you are. Enjoy your visits Gringo.

 

[gringo]

I thought my original post was cheerful! I obviously made a complete hash of it!
Thank -you all for your generous replies
Luck, like beauty, is sometimes in the eye of the beholder.
Of course i know that 64 years of a very happy relationship is indeed something to be grateful for. Compared with many others, I have been over-indulged and have been very lucky indeed.
But that same good luck has also left me with some problems. I have no defence whatsoever against loneliness, we became so close that we did not need anybody else at all. We talked about everything together, our talking hardly ever stopped! All our decisions were jointly arrived at. I am essentially a team player, going solo and not doing it very well.
As I said, when I am with her, the sun shines and we are happy with each others company. Still lucky! I know it won’t always be like this but I push that knowledge into the background. Of course, there are sleepless nights when the demons run wild.
I am learning to get along, but my heart is not in it, and I long for it all to end.
I think this is as good a time as any to say.

Triste Vale.

There’s a time to join and there’s a time to leave.
As you saw I wore my heart on my sleeve.
As old men left long on their own well know.
There comes a time when it’s time to go.

TP. is a very special forum made up of very special people.
For the kindness, help and understanding I have
received. I owe a debt I can never repay. Please accept my heartfelt thanks.

Mike (aka. Gringo.)

 

[2jays]

And you are one of those special people Gringo.

Oh yes I totally agree. A very special person.

 

[Scarlett123]

I've been thinking about you a lot today Gringo.

There were a lot of people in my mum's care home that had dementia for many years,they still recognised their relatives.I thought these relatives were lucky.But they didn't visit very often,so my mum was lucky she had me to visit every day,even though she didn't know me.

I've seen many sad stories on TV recently,children that have lost their parents,parents that have lost a child,i cry for them,it is the way i am.

But even though i know they are worse off than me,i still yearn for my baby i lost,i want my son to knock on the door saying he is coming back to the UK to stay,and i miss cuddling my mum.x

I read your post, and sobbed my heart out. I am also very emotional, and my Aunt used to call me "Polly Piddler", cos I cried at things so much! I lost twins, one when I was 3 months pregnant, the second at 5 months, over 40 years ago, and my son is in the USA, so I could really empathise with what you wrote, but especially about your Mum.

Over 50 years ago, I went with my Mum to see Conspiracy of Hearts. It's a war film, about nuns who rescued Jewish children from a concentration camp. My Mum and I cried all the way through, all the way home, and when we got home.

The other afternoon, I flicked onto Film4, to find this was on, and yes, I cried, in fact I sobbed my heart out - and I reckon my Mum was in heaven, crying too. But she also used to say "God makes tears to wash away sorrow", which I also believe.

 

[velo70]

Hiya Gringo, Read many of your posts since Ive been a 'user' on the site. Thought of you tonight, listening to ABBA sing their 'Times of joy and times of sorrow'. Seems some of the words in the song may be relevant. You and I can share the silence, finding comfort together, the way old friends do,etc... ends I don't care what comes tomorrow, we can face it together, the way old friends do. My Oh and I have just sung it to each other with a tear in our eye, I must say. Regards and keep rolling the marbles, buddy. We've only been on the road about 18 months, and detest the affliction with more venom each day. But come tomorrow, we try all over again.

 

[garnuft]

I hope, in the dark hours, you are able to remember that somewhere, out there...here...in the wafts of the ether...
there are some who hold you close, think nothing but the best of you and wish....that's it.
And wish.
Night Night Mike and Mrs.G x

 

[Haylett]

And in the light hours also, there are those who think of you....

Hope you're visiting today, Gringo.