I am hoping for some advice and guidance. Mum was placed in a CH earlier in the year. She has not acclimatised very well to her new home, whenever we visit she gets very upset and angry, she doesn't understand why she is there, she has no appreciation of her condition at all (she still believes she is doing everything for herself). However, both the CH staff and regular visitors to the home have told us that when we are not there she is more content and is it is only our visits which trigger the anger, distress and upset. We have tried to get her out of the home for trips but when we return to the home she refuses to go back in to the CH and gets extremely angry and without the help of the staff we would not get her back in. Therefore we have stopped taking her out. However, every year all the family get together on Christmas day and in the past have enjoyed a family day. This year it will be both painful and difficult for all concerned in that it will be our first time without mum. We would ideally like her to join us but given her behaviour when we visit her we don't want to cause her the distress, anger and upset. What do other people do in this situation? Any thoughts or guidance appreciated.
First Christmas without mum at home
- Thread starter PaddyJim
- Start date
Hi PaddyJim,
It is a problem, isn't it? My mum went into a CH just before Christmas last year. We did bring her out for the day. By about 4pm she began to get unsettled and my daughter took her back. Only then could I relax for a second. I don't know what to do either!
Perhaps wait a bit longer to see if your mum becomes a little more settled? What do the CH think? Could you go to see her on Christmas Eve with presents and some sherry(?) for a celebration in the CH? Or spend the morning there on Christmas day and leave when the residents have their lunch?
I do think it will spoil Christmas for everyone if the whole day is spent worrying about getting your mum back home.
Perhaps some others will have some advice for us both in a moment!
It is a problem, isn't it? My mum went into a CH just before Christmas last year. We did bring her out for the day. By about 4pm she began to get unsettled and my daughter took her back. Only then could I relax for a second. I don't know what to do either!
Perhaps wait a bit longer to see if your mum becomes a little more settled? What do the CH think? Could you go to see her on Christmas Eve with presents and some sherry(?) for a celebration in the CH? Or spend the morning there on Christmas day and leave when the residents have their lunch?
I do think it will spoil Christmas for everyone if the whole day is spent worrying about getting your mum back home.
Perhaps some others will have some advice for us both in a moment!
Hi Paddyjim,
I think that if your mother is still quite unsettled, it would be best to visit her at the home. Perhaps the family could all go over on Boxing Day? Bring food if an area is available for the family to use? My mother's nursing home has several rooms which can be booked for family parties. Each unit has its own room, which has a fridge, stove and microwave. We actually had Christmas lunch for 3 years in a row.
I think that if your mother is still quite unsettled, it would be best to visit her at the home. Perhaps the family could all go over on Boxing Day? Bring food if an area is available for the family to use? My mother's nursing home has several rooms which can be booked for family parties. Each unit has its own room, which has a fridge, stove and microwave. We actually had Christmas lunch for 3 years in a row.
Hi there, I am in the exact same situation and am dreading Christmas. We have decided to bring mum to my house for dinner then to my sister's for tea then back to CH later. It will be difficult as she is incontinent but we are learning to manage this. It will be distressing when we take her back and leave her but we do want to be with her on Christmas day. My mum follows us into the CH with no problem so this is different to your situation. She does get angry and distressed when we leave and we ask the staff to sit with her and divert her whilst we make a quick escape. I always cry afterwards but deal with it at the time. You have to do what's best for you, good luck and take care of yourself
For my FIL's first Christmas in his CH,we brought him home for a couple of days (CH was 2 hours' drive) but this was against the CH's advice,and I have to say they were right. Of course we thought and assumed that he'd enjoy it, but he was fussed and agitated with the extra people and change of routine. He started to think it was his own house and fretting that he ought to be doing various jobs. The following year we left him where he was, in his safe, familiar routine.
After that experience, when it came to my mother I never tried bringing her home for Christmas. Pre CH she had more or less refused to leave her own house for years, so our house was in any case unfamiliar to her. But by then she really was not at all aware that it was Christmas,despite all the CH decorations, etc., so she would not be feeling neglected. We now just visit in the morning, taking her presents. Do you think your mum will be aware that it's Christmas? Mine ceased to be at all aware of it a long time ago now, and even when we would tell her it was Christmas Day she was barely bothered, and then only momentarily.
After that experience, when it came to my mother I never tried bringing her home for Christmas. Pre CH she had more or less refused to leave her own house for years, so our house was in any case unfamiliar to her. But by then she really was not at all aware that it was Christmas,despite all the CH decorations, etc., so she would not be feeling neglected. We now just visit in the morning, taking her presents. Do you think your mum will be aware that it's Christmas? Mine ceased to be at all aware of it a long time ago now, and even when we would tell her it was Christmas Day she was barely bothered, and then only momentarily.
Our situation is slightly different as hubby and I don't celebrate it in anyway at all, MIL does
Last year I tried to 'encourage' her to do her Christmas cards but she wouldn't so I told her daughter. She came and virtually did them for her mum, but it was tortuous. On Christmas day hubby took her to her daughters in Hertfordshire (from here in Sidcup) and apparently all had a terrible time. MIL was confused, bewildered. Couldn't understand what was going on. Nasty, rude and they were so thankful when hubby picked her up to bring her back. She never remembered the presents she got and forgot she went within seconds
So this year as she is now incontinent and the rest of the family to be truthful would never cope so she is not going. Her daughter felt really bad about it but as I said she can come if you want, the decision is yours. She has decided no they will come and see her near to the day
So this will be her first Christmas without her family who celebrates but as hubby and I said she has no memory of anything anymore. I was going to do something 'nice' for her on the day but then as soon as she puts her spork down she has forgotten what she has eaten!
Last year I tried to 'encourage' her to do her Christmas cards but she wouldn't so I told her daughter. She came and virtually did them for her mum, but it was tortuous. On Christmas day hubby took her to her daughters in Hertfordshire (from here in Sidcup) and apparently all had a terrible time. MIL was confused, bewildered. Couldn't understand what was going on. Nasty, rude and they were so thankful when hubby picked her up to bring her back. She never remembered the presents she got and forgot she went within seconds
So this year as she is now incontinent and the rest of the family to be truthful would never cope so she is not going. Her daughter felt really bad about it but as I said she can come if you want, the decision is yours. She has decided no they will come and see her near to the day
So this will be her first Christmas without her family who celebrates but as hubby and I said she has no memory of anything anymore. I was going to do something 'nice' for her on the day but then as soon as she puts her spork down she has forgotten what she has eaten!
Christmas Day in most CHs is a really joyful occasion as the staff on duty generally make an effort and get into the spirit of things - for themselves as well as the residents. There are usually lots of visitors popping in throughout the day so lots of people watching opportunities too
My inclination would be to celebrate your mum's 'Christmas' on either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day if you feel she would benefit from it, and have a relaxed Christmas Day with the rest of the family without taking her to your home. Pop in and see her if you want but leave it at that.
One year, I decided to spend Christmas Day with my mum at her house instead of trying to cope with her at mine. My OH and children then waited until 27 Dec and we had our own Christmas Day celebrations then... and that year has been voted the best ever! So the actual day/date doesn't matter a bit.
Be pragmatic, be adaptable, be honest about what you all want, and it should work out fine. Do what you think is actually best for everyone, not what you think you ought to be doing
My inclination would be to celebrate your mum's 'Christmas' on either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day if you feel she would benefit from it, and have a relaxed Christmas Day with the rest of the family without taking her to your home. Pop in and see her if you want but leave it at that.
One year, I decided to spend Christmas Day with my mum at her house instead of trying to cope with her at mine. My OH and children then waited until 27 Dec and we had our own Christmas Day celebrations then... and that year has been voted the best ever! So the actual day/date doesn't matter a bit.
Be pragmatic, be adaptable, be honest about what you all want, and it should work out fine. Do what you think is actually best for everyone, not what you think you ought to be doing
It's difficult and I was talking about the exact same thing with my hubby last night. For the last seven years until last Xmas we had walked across heathland to my grans' to have a cuppa and a mine pie with her on Xmas morning. She always refused to come to ours for dinner, though occasionally she would acquiesce to tea.
Last year we went away for the day for the first time ever, and as she was still very confused with a UTI worked fine as she had a nice day at the CH. This year we will be at home, we COULD go visit her Xmas day but I think we need to put ourselves first, if she is unhappy Xmas day she will spoil the whole day for us, and even if she IS happy she will forget within days that we had been to visit.
So this year we will visit on the 22nd for her 100th birthday, then on the 24th to give her present. Then not til 27th. The care home do a wonderful job and will sort her out in between.
Her Ch also do an 'extra xmas meal' the weekend before which I will try and get to, but as she refused to come to mine for many years I wont beat myself up about if I cant.
Last year we went away for the day for the first time ever, and as she was still very confused with a UTI worked fine as she had a nice day at the CH. This year we will be at home, we COULD go visit her Xmas day but I think we need to put ourselves first, if she is unhappy Xmas day she will spoil the whole day for us, and even if she IS happy she will forget within days that we had been to visit.
So this year we will visit on the 22nd for her 100th birthday, then on the 24th to give her present. Then not til 27th. The care home do a wonderful job and will sort her out in between.
Her Ch also do an 'extra xmas meal' the weekend before which I will try and get to, but as she refused to come to mine for many years I wont beat myself up about if I cant.
Thank You
Thank you all for the constructive advice and guidance, it really helps having someone to share these dilemmas with, life was so much easier pre VD. We are determined to make the most of Christmas and hopefully mum will enjoy it in her own way!
Thank you all for the constructive advice and guidance, it really helps having someone to share these dilemmas with, life was so much easier pre VD. We are determined to make the most of Christmas and hopefully mum will enjoy it in her own way!
