Christmas

[ncdetchon]

This will be our first Christmas with Mum in residential care and I'm getting more and more anxious about it. What do other people do? Do you go and visit the care home or bring them home for a day or two to spend Christmas together?

if I take her out, will she want to go back!??

I don't like the idea of her being in the home on Christmas day but the grand children find her very difficult to cope with now and it will ruin their day.

Don't know what to do and just want to fast forward past Christmas.

Has anyone got any advice or experience please?

Thanks,
Nancy
xx

 

[Onlyme]

I go to see Mum on Christmas Eve morning or Afternoon then go in either Christmas Day late afternoon or spend a lot of time with her on Boxing Day.

It depends on what stage your Mum is at what is best for her. Mum can't cope with loads of family so we go in twos to see her.

 

[Witzend]

For my FIL's first Christmas at his CH, we brought him home for a couple of days, against the CH's advice I might add. He became very confused and worried, constantly thinking that it was his own house and he should be doing this or that. The following year we left him safe in his familiar routine.

With my mother, after the experience with FIL, we never tried bringing her home since she would only be fussed and confused, and to be honest she never has a clue that it's Christmas anyway. Before she went into the CH siblings and we would take turns to go to her for Christmas, but even just a very few extra people and change of routine would fuss and agitate her. This was ages ago now but even then she was not aware that it was Christmas, even when there were crackers on the table and she was opening her many presents. What we do now, since the CH is very close, is visit on Christmas morning with her presents.

Although this year I'm not sure we're even going to manage that, since will probably be going to close friends, one of whom probably has not got long (big C :-( ). My mother will not feel neglected since she is even less aware now of it being any sort of special day.

To my mind, Christmas is more for children than for adults, and if you think it would spoil it for the grandchildren and stress everybody out, I would leave your mother where she is. (And try not to feel bad about it!). It may well be that she could not cope with a lot of people and noise anyway. This was certainly the case with my mother.

 

[ellejay]

I see my mum in her CH on Boxing Day. If your Grandchildren find your mum hard to cope with, it seems a shame to spoil Christmas Day for them. It would also put a load of stress on you, trying to keep the peace.

My mum gets agitated when there are lots of people, she finds it hard to follow conversations, so gets cranky. It works better to see her separately .

Lin x

 

[Noorza]

I'm with the children too, it's their Christmas.

I think the easy question to ask yourself is this one:

When my mum was well would she want the grandchildren to spend a part of their Christmas Day in a care home watching her and other old people who are all poorly?

Or would she prefer they didn't visit, ripped their pressies opened, and played with them all day?

That would help me make my decision I think.

 

[oneloopylady]

I was thinking about this one too. My dad is in a care home, completely immobile with bladder issues, so we cannot practically bring him out of the CH for christmas but sadly, he is not so confused that he doesnt know what is going on, so I know he will be really distressed when we tell him we can't take him out for Christmas day because this will be the first year for 30+ years that he hasnt been with us for christmas. Like you, Nancy, I just want to fast forward....

we don't have any young children in the family so our plan is that a few of us will visit him in the CH in the morning and another few will go later in the day. I do think that a change of place can cause more confusion and distress so I think moving him out for even a day could have an adverse effect.

My dad had his 80th birthday party at the home yesterday - they did everything, bought banners, balloons, put on a lovely buffet tea for residents and family etc - and I just thought, gosh, I don't feel so bad about Christmas now because I think the CH will have it 'covered' and at least we will know he is safe and well cared for, even if, sadly, he can't be with us.

I hope you can find a path that makes you feel comfortable so you and the family can enjoy your day no matter what.

Trisha
xxx

 

[meme]

christmas is all about children really...big or little..it is their time.

 

[Florriep]

We collect MIL from CH for Christmas lunch and presents then taken her back late afternoon. However, I think this is more for our benefit so we feel we've done right by her. She gets extremely stressed by Christmas - I dread that moment in late August when the cards and Christmas stuff go on display because its the starting gun for many months of increasing anxiety - "I need to get cards/addresses/stamps/presents/a turkey/pudding", etc. Each year she's wanted to stay at ours for less time as she tires and is ready to go back. As others have said, when we finally arrive at Christmas Day, she's pretty unaware of what's going on and has forgotten what happened by the time we get her back to the CH.

Many other residents stay in the CH and the staff really pull out all the stops to make it special - so much so that after the first year my DH insists on taking our son to pick MIL up so he can absorb some of the atmosphere - while he's OK with that, like your grandchildren, not sure he'd want to spend the day there!

 

[kingmidas1962]

I couldn't make it in to see my dad on Christmas day and we told the care home so, so they brought it forward a day early - in as much as they got him a Christmas lunch and we went in to see him armed with presents and cards etc etc.

He tires very, very easily and his concentration span is very short so a couple of hours was pretty much enough. My brother and sister in law were around a couple of days later and my nephew and his girlfriend a couple of days after that so in effect he had three Christmases!!

I don't suppose he wondered why he had Christmas Lunch two days on the trot though as he just scoffs his food down without worrying too much about what it is!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[steffie60]

Mum still lives with us. Last Christmas she wanted to stay in her room. She could not cope with the noise let alone the food we put in front of her. I know everyone is different but it may be a kindness to let your Mum stay where she will be warm and comfortable. The journey to and from your house may chill her or if there is snow on the ground that is a hazard and privacy in the bathroom seems to be a recurring problem to many of the elderly with whom I have spoken.

Have your Christmas Day and enjoy, maybe a short visit before or after lunch depending on what you and your family have planned. My Mum often says of weekends and holidays "it is just another day at my age".

Hope it works out for you.

 

[Kevinl]

christmas is all about children really...big or little..it is their time.

Thanks for that Meme, that's made my mind about what we'll be doing

 

[grobertson62]

This will be my first xmas without dad. We are dreading it as much as we did the first xmas in the NH.we turned up on xmas morning bearing gifts. Dad was ok didnt really get it. But we did.
The second xmas he was worse and not bothered at all. Staff were great encouraging sing songs erltc
So dont worry the imagination is worse thanreality
Gill