Every visit is a bad one

[Pheath]

Don't post here so often anymore but just felt the need tonight as have been going through a very rough time visiting dad whose been in a CH for about 18months. His dementia is v advanced, mobility failing, double incontinent and is fully dependent on carers. He's suffered badly with his dementia and never been very easy to look after as quite aggressive in the past but the problem at present is his frequent shouting. He's often angry when we visit, and frequently shouts out 'Shut Up' 'You Go' or just shrill shrieks for no apparent reason. He barely recognises the family anymore but I could cope with that if only he was more peaceful. Seeing him distressed all the time is really starting to get me down as he often has to be segregated from the other residents due to making such a noise. He's the only resident so vocal in the home and we do worry he's causing a lot of disharmony. If he's not shouting he's just sleeping - it's so sad. His meds have been tweaked recently in the hope this will make some difference but no change as yet and checked for UTI but nothing. Not really looking for advice but just felt a need to get it all out, it can really get on top of you at times & wish we could have the occasional good visit. Anyhow thanks for reading.

 

[oneloopylady]

I'm so sorry to hear this - it must be so sad for the family to see this happen to your poor dad. I really don't have any advice - just wanted you to know that we care.

My dad is still pretty compos mentis in many ways, but he has turned from being a gentle, kind and loving gentleman into a very verbally aggressive and .... nasty person. It is tragic to watch and makes me weep, but I have to remind myself - this is not my dad , this is the illness, this is something alien to the 'real man' lost inside thanks to this awful illness.

I keep my visits short and talk about whatever he wants to talk about, and if/when he gets nasty, I make an excuse and leave. He too is in a care home and I think at those times the staff are better able to cope, because they are qualified to deal with this illness, and they are emotionally detached. Next time I go, he is nicer again for a little while.

I also never go alone, so if he is in a nasty mood, then I can talk to the other person visiting and sort of 'bring dad into the conversation' and he can choose to ignore/huff and puff, or join in, but I don't feel as isolated when there are two of us, so maybe that is worth a try....

as I said, can't really offer anything concrete - except hugs and support.

Hugs
Trisha

 

[Noorza]

Oneloop has put it all beautifully.

 

[Izzy]

I'm sorry you are finding things so difficult with your dad. I'm glad you shared your feelings here. Sometimes it just helps to get things off your chest. Take care.

 

[Pheath]

Thank you all for your sensitive posts.
OLL - sorry also you experience difficult visits, it really can churn you up. Our dad's sound slightly similar as like yours my dad pre-dementia had a lovely nature - sweet, generous and always well-mannered. The illness has transformed him beyond any recognition to his former self. Your strategy of short visits is a good one and agree it's easier for the carers as they don't have the same emotional bond. Perhaps I make the mistake in thinking if I wait long enough his mood might improve as always hoping I can end the visit on a positive so i don't have to go away feeling so low. Mum usually comes with me although even that isn't enough to lessen the awfulness of it as she gets really upset too and then we're both no use to each other!
Still, will keep going as he'll always be my dad & just hope this is another phase that eventually passes.

 

[Nebiroth]

oneloopylady's advice is perfect. I would ask how he is when you are not there. Tragically, your visits might be a trigger - you might never know why, but maybe it;s a reminder of his situation or something, or simply because as a loved one he feels he can unload onto you without consequences. Social inhibitions when they start to be lost are often better retained with "strangers" such as the staff than they are with family members.

The advice to take someone with you for support is ideal, also, if he starts being nasty or getting very agitated, just leave. You could even try just leaving the room for a few minutes ands then coming back.

As said, the staff there are trained to deal with it, but also, they are not emotionally involved and also they get breaks and can call on each other if needed.

It sounds mean but if your visits are causing such upset and he is better in between, it might be best to limit them. At the moment they are to no-one's benefit. Undoubtedly you feel a duty to visit and guilty if you don't but as I say it helps no one if it causes so much upset.

 

[Pheath]

Thanks v much also Nebiroth. Unfortunately dad is just as shouty when we're not there as the staff keep us well informed, sadly he's probably long past associating us with anything in his former life. Noise is definitely a big trigger for him and it doesn't even have to be loud, could just be someone talking within earshot (which is ironic as he's the noisiest one around!) Also any sort of personal care. Sometimes I wonder if some of his exclamations are almost like a tourettes-type tick as don't think he has any control or awareness at his shouting out, almost like it's involuntary.
One of reasons we go very regularly is just to keep an eye on him as even though it's a good home the carers are busy and sometimes things like brushing teeth, encouraging drinking and checking skin aren't always 100% so I've alert them to things a few times and for peace of mind wouldn't like to leave long gaps between visits.