Dad really needs CH but pines for Mum

[lilysmybabypup]

Dad is in hospital after a delirium episode, been about 2 and a half weeks. He has been less than settled, gets very angry and abusive when they need to help with things like cleaning up and changing him. He wasn't incontinent prior to admission but sudden reduction in mobility and laxatives have made him incontinent. Not sure if it will return.

They've decided he is ready to leave but we doubt that Mum can care for him any longer, she's 82 and been doing it for about 7 years. Can't get enough real help to keep him home now so we think he will need to go into permanent care.

The problem is that when we aren't there he is desperately missing Mum, or my sister and myself. When I got in today he was being changed and cleaned, being very angry and difficult, and he's a very tall man. After they left he grabbed my hand and started crying and kissing me saying, "I love you Mummy. Don't leave me."

He and Mum always called each other Mum and Dad since I was born so he means his wife and not his mum.

How would he cope with even the most kind and loving carers in a home when he just wants Mum or my sister and me? I would rather he actually forgot us and felt content and settled than be fretting or angry with everyone. He remembers little else, but his connection and comfort from us is obviously deeply embedded within his mind and I know he spends half the night calling for Mum. He has slept beside her for 61 years.

It's such a difficult dilemma.

Stephanie

 

[chana]

dad really need CH but pines for mum

stephanie--listen to what i say and see if it makes sense. youn tell me in my inbox. your dad was with your mom for 61 years. thats a long time.my mother died 1 year ago from alzeimers. my father is gone 19 years from pancreatic and liver cancer. when my dad died,my n mothers world ended. i had to go with my husband for a triple bypass or hed die too. hes here. she had a wonderful friend who was lkike a sister to her and gave me my mother back for 18 years. when she was diagnosed i was shocked. theres no dementia in her family. she died 11 months later. it hit me like a bolt of lightening. your dad was together with your mom for a long time. unfortunately he cant go home to what hes used to. that takes time. hes going to a whole different life now. its not the life he wants. its not the life hes used to. things radically changed. it changed for everyone--your mom too. they used to each other no matter what. now its different.they both need time to adjust. its hard. time does miraculous things, but you still have to take it 1 day at a time. your dad has to get used to something he never expected. so does your mom. so do you too. you are lso used too them together. even if 1 was sick, they were a team. the team now broke up. give it time. your dad needs you and yourn mom more than ever now. he will adjust., but it needs time.my mother finally had to end up in a nursing home. one day she looked at me and said WHAT HAPPENED TO ME? i cried in the hall. my mother was 1 tough lady and i never expected this. she needed time to adjust too. she was difficult. she was sedated. she knew no one at the end, it was a hell. i have 2 bleding ulcers now and i need a 3rd neck surgery.. i miss yher and its a year. i have no poarents and sometimes in wondr if it ever was, but it was. i have memories that will never die. i have my moments, but your father and mother were together so long. remember--together. noiw he cant come home. its different. he needs your mothern and she needs him. this will take time.every day it will be different. soome days may be better than others. dont give up. he needs time to adjust. its so new after so many years.remember time does miraculous things. , but it goes slow. it doesnt go as fast as we want. it never does. i hopen im making sense, stephanie. give it time. he will get there. he cant be rushed. its too new.im sorry for what yourn family is going thru.

 

[lilysmybabypup]

Dear chana,

Thank you for taking the time to answer my problems. I'm so sorry you've had so much trauma in your life, and the losses you've suffered, I hope your health is improving.

You're quite right about things taking time to settle themselves and for us to learn to accept the things happening to us. It's also definitely a "one day at a time," situation. I'm hoping Dad will become more settled and accepting of the place we find for him, it's just very difficult to accept him being in the care of others. Yes, there are dramatic changes for Mum too, being alone, even though she does have her widowed sister living next door, which will be a big help.

I hope I can find somewhere lovely for Dad where he will feel safe and have the highest quality of life.

I wish you an improvement in your health and increasing peace in your life.

Stephanie, xxx

 

[end of my rope]

Hello

I hope you can find a good place for your father.

If it's any comfort to you my Grandfather loved his wife with a passion all his life. When he eventually had to move into a care home (he had vascular dementia) he used to miss his wife so much, however the staff encouraged him to believe that she was just upstairs sorting out the linen and after a while he became reconciled to this and was happy to talk about her rather than see her (she was physically unwell and died while he was still in the care home so the sorting of the linen went on for quite some time...).

Thinking of you and hoping for the best outcome for your father and your mother and you.

Best love

eomr

 

[lilysmybabypup]

Hello

I hope you can find a good place for your father.

If it's any comfort to you my Grandfather loved his wife with a passion all his life. When he eventually had to move into a care home (he had vascular dementia) he used to miss his wife so much, however the staff encouraged him to believe that she was just upstairs sorting out the linen and after a while he became reconciled to this and was happy to talk about her rather than see her (she was physically unwell and died while he was still in the care home so the sorting of the linen went on for quite some time...).

Thinking of you and hoping for the best outcome for your father and your mother and you.

Best love

eomr

Thanks eomr, yes, I told the hospital to tell Dad that Mum is just at the toilet or the shops or something and she will be right back. He has called out for her at night apparently, quite heartbreaking, as was your grandfather's situation. Nothing about this condition is easy, is it? I often wonder how those who have clear and sharp minds will pass and leave behind a strong and healthy person whose mind is crumbling while the body just keeps on going for so long. I've had so many dark thoughts wanting my darling dad to go, to save him this torment, even though I know it would be so horrible to be without him.

Thanks for your kind thoughts.

Stephanie, xxx