Going on alone

[julientuareg]

This has been a wonderful thread to read. I have learnt a lot from all the responses. I have not lost my partner as yet but suddenly came to the realisation yesterday that although he is no longer the same person superficially I am grateful that I still have him around in whatever capacity. For a while I did have some of those thoughts of "just hurry up and go so I can get on with my life". Now I realise that my life will be much the poorer without him in it. Some of my friends and family do seem to think that I should be able to just move on but it is hard to imagine a day where I dont think about him.
I can relate to the answering machine story. I feel the same way when I hear his voice on a video. I even keep his old email address going so I can re-read his old sent emails and some times it is a shock to remember what an articulate, caring, intelligent man he was.
Thank you all

 

[Izzy]

Thinking of youSue. x

This has been a wonderful thread to read. I have learnt a lot from all the responses. I have not lost my partner as yet but suddenly came to the realisation yesterday that although he is no longer the same person superficially I am grateful that I still have him around in whatever capacity. For a while I did have some of those thoughts of "just hurry up and go so I can get on with my life". Now I realise that my life will be much the poorer without him in it. Some of my friends and family do seem to think that I should be able to just move on but it is hard to imagine a day where I dont think about him.
I can relate to the answering machine story. I feel the same way when I hear his voice on a video. I even keep his old email address going so I can re-read his old sent emails and some times it is a shock to remember what an articulate, caring, intelligent man he was.
Thank you all

What a moving post. Although my husband is not as far down the line it still sums up how I feel. Thank you. xx

 

[sunray]

Just got past a couple of firsts, my birthday 4th June, and Alice's first birthday 6th June, two occassions when Ray "should have been there". It is hard to go on alone. It is SO hard to go on alone. It is so HARD to go on alone!

The nightmares are back. I am planning the visit to the cousins in England, emails flying back and forth, so many things on my mind. I find it hard to go to sleep and then 3am there I am wide awake, heart racing etc. Some nights I hear Ray calling "Sue, help me" other nights I just wake up, not knowing what has woken me up.

I found a photo taken in Darlington, County Durham I think in 1998, our last trip to Enlgand, there is Ray, a happy smile on his face, and there am I a suitcase in each hand. Yes he was back at work and we had been able to have our second overseas holiday but I had been driving this time and I was the one carrying the suitcases. Even back then.

I need to "get over it"! I need to be stronger, more confident, more self-reliant, a whole lot of things I thought I would be by now. Two weeks to go and it is not going to improve much I guess. (expletive).

 

[lilysmybabypup]

Happy birthday to you, and Alice. Hope you were still able to enjoy it and that you were nicely spoilt.

I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you, but I hope that the nightmares will fade and one day soon the joy of recalling past times will be greater than the pain they bring.

How wonderful to be planning a trip, I'm sure you will have a lovely time. Hope you can take us all with you with lots of posts and photos.

Stephanie, xxx

 

[sunray]

wobbly

I've had a couple of wobbly days. I think it is because I need to make some decisions that will affect the future, particularly my future in this house. There are a few repairs to do that are going to be expensive so I have to think how long I will stay on here and if spendng a good deal of money will be worth it or if I should just do "bandaid" repairs and sell "as is".

I seem to be going over and over the last year or so of Ray's life again. I thought I was over that but now it has reappeared. I wonder why I can't just accept that it is over and move on? So many reminders all around that he is simply not here now. So sad.

Sue.

 

[lilysmybabypup]

I've had a couple of wobbly days. I think it is because I need to make some decisions that will affect the future, particularly my future in this house. There are a few repairs to do that are going to be expensive so I have to think how long I will stay on here and if spendng a good deal of money will be worth it or if I should just do "bandaid" repairs and sell "as is".

I seem to be going over and over the last year or so of Ray's life again. I thought I was over that but now it has reappeared. I wonder why I can't just accept that it is over and move on? So many reminders all around that he is simply not here now. So sad.

Sue.

So sorry that you're drifting into a blue period, grief must be somewhat like the ebb and flow of the sea at times.

Mum has found it hard to make any decisions, large or small, since Dad has needed that intensive care. Is it necessary to make them soon? Perhaps give it a tiny bit more time or mull it over with close family or friends you value. Or maybe you have your answer in seeing the constant reminders that sadden you. Perhaps a fresh start is a healthy step. I think doing a quick spruce up to make it a little shinier is better than something more involved and expensive. Give buyers a glimpse of its potential and let them see how they can put their own stamp on it. I always think neutral paint to freshen, open up, and provide a canvas a buyer can visualise themselves in the home. Maybe new door handles in kitchen, pare down any of your own decorating, some lovely splashes of colour from some throws, rugs and scatter cushions, a tidy in the garden. Sorry to sound pushy but it all just jumped into my head, must be getting hypo from lack of sleep.

Really hope you feel happier very soon.

Stephanie, xxx

 

[Nutty Nan]

Wobblies

Wobblies ...... ups and downs ...... they get you unawares, no matter how much I try to be positive, glass half full, thankful for many years of happiness - there are still days and nights when I am sad beyond words, unable to accept that terrible concept of 'never again'. I never know whether listening to old music or looking through photographs will leave me with a gentle glow of happiness or a sick feeling of tortuous loneliness. However, just like good things come to an end, so do bad 'things' or episodes.
Rant, scream, cry, get it out of your system. Once the thunderstorm is over, the chances are the sun will peep out behind the clouds and you can smile again.
All the best. C. x

 

[sunray]

why alone?

I went to my Lions Club Changeover dinner tonight and the dinner notice editor asked if I still wanted my anniversary and Ray's birthday included on the calendar. I said "No". To me it would be another reminder that he is not here. It was nice of her to ask though.

Then I looked at the list of members with their spouse's name beside them and my name alone. All of this sucks. I want him here beside me. I don't want to do this all alone. There are of course single men and women in my Club so I am not the only one. It is just that this is the first time I have seen my name without his alongside it.

 

[lilysmybabypup]

It sounds like a confronting moment, Sue. I expect all these "firsts" will shake you and are sadly inevitable. I hope that sharing it here will somehow help to soften that pain a little, and that similar moments will be a little easier to bear with time.

Take care, Stephanie, xxx

 

[sunray]

Stepping out of my comfort zone and going on a trip by myself, I will be away a few weeks so hope I can cope. Can't run into the bedroom and cry if I feel sad so the smile might be faked but it will be on my lips.

I haven't been away since Ray went into the hospital in June 2011 apart from to our daughter's place so this will be a BIG change for me. But it will also be a time to get things back into perspective.

 

[Nanak]

Good for you! Take it one day at a time and just breathe
Have a lovely time
Nanak (Kim)

 

[sunray]

home again

I had six wonderful weeks away. It was great that England had such a lovley summer this year, I really felt happy in the warmth. I was able to catch up with a lot of cousins on both sides of the family and enjoy renewing old friendships. I saw one of my step-uncles I hadn't seen since we left England in 1955.

I stayed with a few different cousins and all made me feel welcome and wanted. I went on a 12 day coach tour around Wales, Ireland, Scotland and northern England. I enjoyed every bit of it though sometimes as we visited somewhere Ray and I had been together in 1998 I got a sad feeling and missed him horribly. But I was expecting that to happen. As usual we saw a lot of stately homes and castles, cathedrals and picturesque villages but that is what an overseas holiday is all about.

Icame home last Thursday. I must say it was nice to get back to my own bed again, nothing as cosy as snuggling under the blankets on a cold night, but hopefully Spring will come early and I will be able to get started on my "to do" wish. Inspired by Enlgand's lovley gardens my garden in now top priority.

The first time travelling alone is tough but I did it and now have more condfidence that I can be a "single" and still enjoy life.

 

[Nanak]

Well done Sue!!!
I'm so glad you enjoyed your trip.
This is the first year for about five years I haven't been home at least once and I have missed everyone.
You didn't miss much winter here (at least in Brisbane) it has been very mild.
Nice to see you back
Nanak (Kim)

 

[Saffie]

Gosh well done Sue. That was some undertaking and I am so pleased that you had a lovely time. Yes, you certainly caught us at our best weatherwise - very unusual.
Come to think of it, perhaps it was all for your benefit as it's now reverted to a more familiar summer! Now you have your own summer approaching before long which can't be bad.

You've taken that first massive step alone. I am full of admiration. X

 

[Butter]

I am so pleased. Pleased for you and pleased that you are an example to us all. What are your plans for your garden? I started mine in 2009. I still have plans ......

 

[sunray]

Just want to have a rant about lack of support etc. Sound familiar? Yep, same as before Ray died, same ol, same ol.

 

[lilysmybabypup]

Just want to have a rant about lack of support etc. Sound familiar? Yep, same as before Ray died, same ol, same ol.

Oh Sue, I'm so sorry, people can be quite thoughtless. I'm assuming you mean lack of support from those around you rather than professional support? Of course you feel angry and upset, nobody should expect you to just get over such a loss, and we need to feel we can share these emotions that are rattling around in our hearts.
I lost dad 3 weeks ago but I'm sure that pain will still be sharp in 6 months or a year, and I may need the chance to say it hurts and I feel utterly bereft.
I hope you feel a little better having shared, I'm happy to listen to whatever you need to say.
Stephanie, xxx

 

[lilysmybabypup]

Sue, I'm not sure I really interpreted your problem correctly in my reply so if it's wrong I'm sorry. I assumed you meant support for your grief but now I look again I think it's something else. Anyway, I'm still happy to listen, whatever the problem.
xxx

 

[sunray]

sorry, wasn't specific

My family are always busy, I need some help with decisions about the house, should I do some repairs, do some updating, just keeping the fabric going? I yell help! they say: "Too busy right now".

Yes, my emotional state is up and down, the trip overseas was wonderful, coming back to winter is horrible, coming back to short days and isolation is what I would have expected but I don't like it. Yes, I am sad and lonely and don't know what to do about that. As a friend say: "you could make an effort, get out more, join something, get some new hobbies" yes, I know I could, one day in the future.

For now? No, I need some help - and looks like I will have to find someone to do it all as a paid job, with me, lacking expertise, supervising. And so it is for a lot of widows. I did it all when I also looked after Ray and Mum, now I will do so again.

 

[Saffie]

Families are difficult Sue especially these days when everybody seems to be doing something all the time. I fully realise that I am contradictory though. I want to be independent and don't want my daughters to feel obliged to get involved but equally feel hurt and put-out when they don't! At the moment I still seem to be 'good old mum' who wiill look after children, dogs, etc. anytime but if I need help, say with cutting down some very overgrown shrubs, I hate to ask as I know for sure that the response won't be "Of course, be round this afternoon"!

I thought you'd be coming out of winter now Sue, when does that happen?