Going on alone

Big Effort

Account Closed
Jul 8, 2012
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Dear Sue,
I have just found your thread.
My computer is aged and won't support Firefox any more, so it hard suddenly to be in touch with TP. Everything is very slow.
Just a couple of thoughts:
I do something I really don't like doing, once a day. Just one undesirable task. Maybe you can kickstart the probate thing like this, a few minutes a day.
Also the sun is shining here, and I think I will go into the garden to read and experience it. I have learned we believe our thoughts, so if we think rain is not as good as sun, it isn't. So I don't dewll on rain but I do enjoy sun.
We are with our backs to the wall here financially as I can't work because I look after Mum. This can get scary. If I think about it I get scared. I am learning not to think about it.
My guess is to keep working to stay in the present. Not sad thoughts of the past, not thoughts about how it will be next week or next year. Just stay in this minute. How am I now? And work to get the present moment as good as it ca be. Only this moment.
I am becoming very aware of how my thoughts set the tone, but if I can stay on monitoring how I am right now, I am actually pretty OK.
Sending you love and 'connectedness' and a big big hug, BE
 

sunray

Registered User
Sep 21, 2008
1,486
0
East Coast of Australia
who do you talk to?

I've just returned from ten days at my daughter's place, ten days of rain! I had planned to talk to my daughter about the difficulties I am going through with processing my grief, the loneliness, the frustrations etc but we never seemed to have the time to just sit down and do it. As a busy Salvation Army officer she is constantly on call and as soon as she'd sit down with a cup of tea with me or plan a free couple of hours the phone would ring and she was off on a call, or consulting some other service to give a helping hand to someone.

It didn't help that there was a mini cyclone in the early hours 20 minutes drive away on the first Sunday I was there. There were 28 homes wrecked, 28 families made homeless plus two blocks of rental flats damaged as well. Her Corps was on standby for a day to help out at the evacuation centre but local people filled in the needed duties and she stayed home. She did have to do two welfare calls in the area. A young Mum with a couple of kids called for assistance and another family called who had moved temporarily while their home was being assessed and had no food. I admire how much she does, she works very hard to be that "angel of mercy" some people think of the Salvation Army Officers as being.

So far both January and February have had above normal rainfalls and March is shaping up nicely. Needless to say I took my swimsuit and it never got wet, after all this was supposed to be a summer holiday!

It is very hard to talk to my kids. I think they think I should be relieved that Ray died as I think they were and are surprised it is taking me so long to get over it. Very few people want to talk to me about Ray, I am hoping that will change with time.

Sue.
 

21citrouilles

Registered User
Aug 11, 2012
561
0
Montreal, Quebec, Canada
I've just returned from ten days at my daughter's place, ten days of rain! I had planned to talk to my daughter about the difficulties I am going through with processing my grief, the loneliness, the frustrations etc but we never seemed to have the time to just sit down and do it.

It is very hard to talk to my kids. I think they think I should be relieved that Ray died as I think they were and are surprised it is taking me so long to get over it. Very few people want to talk to me about Ray, I am hoping that will change with time.

Sue.

You're in the grieving process, and that grieving cannot be hurried along, however much others would like you to. You've been left with such a void... I'm sorry that you've been feeling so lonely.

Have you thought about joining a group for people who have lost loved ones?

It's pretty hard for you that nobody seem to want to mention him. For some people, they don't want to feel the pain of grieving and they block it, think that they have "moved on".

You have a right to your feelings of grief. When I lost my father to lukemia 12 years ago, it took me a long time to feel better. A friend told me that I needed to express my grief as much as possible, so I would be liberated sooner with no toxic feelings inside of me after.
 

Loopiloo

Registered User
May 10, 2010
6,117
0
Scotland
Dear Sue

It is very hard to talk to my kids. I think they think I should be relieved that Ray died as I think they were and are surprised it is taking me so long to get over it. Very few people want to talk to me about Ray, I am hoping that will change with time.
I do feel for you. I can understand where you are. I think my experience would be similar if my husband died. I cannot talk with my daughters since he went into a nursing home. They don't want to know. I think they feel I have always coped, I always will...

Their attitude since their Dad went into care is that now he is safe, cared for, the burden had been lifted from me, and that is it. That would not change if he died. LIke yours, they would probably think I would be relieved that he was at peace, and would be surprised if I did not 'get over it' fairly quickly. After all, I have been living alone for over two years...

It is painful. I do try to understand... But cannot imagine being like this in their place. Not that I want to 'burden' them, and never have, but it would be good to be able to talk.

However, what 21citrouilles has written is so true.

We mostly all know the theory of grief but experienceing it is a different story. Perhaps as you hope, things will change with time. It is early days for you, Sue, and you may find that your children do/can talk about it with you. Begin to realise that you do need to talk about Ray. About your feelings, grief, frustrations etc. But of course it is now that you need to do that.

Wish I could say something helpful, I can only symptathise about where you find yourself at this time.

Thoughts and love
Loo xx
 

sunray

Registered User
Sep 21, 2008
1,486
0
East Coast of Australia
private tears

I decided in trying to bring the reality of my loss to my daughter and my family I am just adding to their burdens. Maybe it is wiser to cry my tears in private. I talked to my daughter again tonight on the phone. She sounds tired. She is so busy. I wonder sometimes if we expect too much of those who minister to us, ministers, counsellors, social workers, much more than we expect of higher paid professionals.

She is still ministering to those who were affected by the flooding and the tornado that occurred two weeks ago, trying to find them accommodation, money to fix up rented houses (landlords won't pay out for damaged furniture)as the people are only just getting back into their houses and assessing the damage.

I have been sick the past couple of days, just a head cold, but enough to feel I need to look after myself better.It is sad that when others were sick there I was to look after them but now it is just me on my own none of that TLC is available for me. That is the disadvantage of always being the strong one.

Sue.
 

Loopiloo

Registered User
May 10, 2010
6,117
0
Scotland
Dear Sue

I decided in trying to bring the reality of my loss to my daughter and my family I am just adding to their burdens. Maybe it is wiser to cry my tears in private.
It probably is wiser, and probably what most of us do.

One of my daughters has considerable burdens of her own and I'm her listening ear. Her older sister, like your daughter, is also very busy with her work, a lot of responsiblity and this often entails working outwith 'normal' hours. and work at home. Her husband also has a busy work life, they don't get much 'us' time together, and have a young adult family. Neither daughters live near me, one a considerable distance away. When we talk on the phone, I can hear the tiredness in their voices.

The last thing I would want to do is burden them. I have a horror of apearing 'needy'. Much as it would be good to talk, I would never force the issue. I suppose many others are in a similar situation.

Perhaps talking about Ray, your husband and their father, will come in time. Shared memories. They too will have their own thoughts, feelings, grieving.

The bottom line is being alone, missing the other half of a marriage.... It takes time to learn to live with that.

I hope your cold soon clears, Sue. Take care of yourself.

Thoughts and love

Loo xx
 

Saffie

Registered User
Mar 26, 2011
22,513
0
Near Southampton
I have no words of comfort Sue. I just want you to know that I read your posts and wish there was something I could say that would help you and make things just a little bit better. I do understand how you are feeling even though I am in not as far down the line as you and am in the midst of the semi- bereavement of a husband in a nursing home with whom I have little or no communication.

There is a great difference though as I, and those in a similar situation, still have a focus and I am certain that when that focus is taken away, as it has been with you, it will be devastating. Others though, will not see it that way and will not be able to understand your grief.

I am sorry you didn't get the opportunity to talk about your feelings with your daughter. She is obviously very busy and doing such good work. I find that, like Loo, I don't like to burden my daughters with my feelings as they both have busy lives and family problems of their own to deal with. I, also, hate to be seen as needy - a massive crime in our family! However, we have had heart to hearts in the past as I am sure you have with your daughter and perhaps the opportunity to do this will come again soon for you. I find i share my feelings more with my 17 year old grand-daughter these days!

I hope life brightens up again soon for you but you have been through a lot and it will take time - little steps. love XXXXX
 

sunray

Registered User
Sep 21, 2008
1,486
0
East Coast of Australia
looking at tiny changes

Another week has gone by and looking back the only benefit has been I have been tackling the garden and it looks much better with the flowers showing instead of the weeds. Autumn is here so the days are getting cooler, and March so a time of blustery winds. That makes it more comfortable to garden as also less humidity.

When I saw the grief counsellor she suggested I loook at the house and decide how to make it mine instead of ours. I think I can do that in small ways, new curtains and rearranged furniture maybe. With Ray in his late stage dementia changes were unsettling for him and during his hospital and nursing home time I was too busy. I don't need to make any big decisions, I think I will stay on here for a couple more years yet.

Griefwise it still hits suddenly sometimes and I do still break down in tears, fortunately I am hopefiully alone at the time. I have an increased awareness now that I AM alone and that is not going to change. I am lonely, I do hate waking up alone, I do hate coming home to an empty house, I do hate coming home from a family dinner and not having someone to tell all about it. I have to get used to that.

I am not ready to rebuild my life but maybe I can start to renovate it a bit.

Sue.
 

Shash7677

Registered User
Sep 15, 2012
1,671
0
Nuneaton, warwickshire
Hi Sue,

I too have just found your post. I'm sorry for your loss and equally as sorry thay you cannot talk to your children.

My dad and I are completely the opposite, mum is in a NH and I speak to dad twice a day on the phone and see him probably every other day.

I just wish I could do the same for you so you didn't feel so lonely.

Anytime you need a friend we on TP are here for you.

Take care
Sharon
X x
 

Helen33

Registered User
Jul 20, 2008
14,697
0
Dear Sue,

I can't believe I have missed your last two posts:eek: I have just read through and caught up.

When I took up my profession I said to myself "I will always put my family first because it seems crazy helping everyone else and hurting my family by not being available to them". I had seen this time and again in my life. Either the clergy or therapists helping the world and damaging those very close to them by never being available:eek:

I thought of the above when I read about your daughter. I do believe a crisis situation is something exceptional and can understand the need to be immediately present in these circumstances. However, the crisis may now be over and your daughter may appreciate sharing something of what you are experiencing Sue. Your last post is very positive in that some movement is taking place within you (acceptance of the 'now') and she may be very proud of you in reaching this place. Yes, it is a painful and lonely place but there is something positive in it too in that you are able to say
I am not ready to rebuild my life but maybe I can start to renovate it a bit.

Love and a (HUG)
 

sunray

Registered User
Sep 21, 2008
1,486
0
East Coast of Australia
windy days, moody me.

I have had some ups and downs in moods. Some days start well but I feel as if I am crying on the inside. Usually a walk in the sun will fix it or a play on the computer but sometimes it takes the shine off the sun and it might as well be raining. And the windy days of late summer seem to make me moody too.

I went to a friend's Dad's funeral yesterday and managed okay. I didn't cry and managed to just be a companion. It is hard to go through those heavy feelings after another friend has lost someone precious but it is a part of life and I have to get used to it. I am at that age I suppose.

A sweet friend from England rang me at 12.06 am! I think she was muddled about the time difference as about half an hour later she said: "It must be getting close to your bedtime." She was so right! But I enjoyed the call so much that time was irrelevant!

Today was a day when I just wanted to stay in bed but the sun was shining and there weree things to be done so I got up and did them. It does seem as if life is just putting one foot in front of the other most of the time.

I wonder when I will be able to get up eager to enjoy life again?

Sue.
 

BeckyJan

Registered User
Nov 28, 2005
18,971
0
Derbyshire
Hello Sue
I understand your feelings but I feel that some of the time I am able to 'get up eager to enjoy life again'. Its not easy and there are some unbearable times when I miss our old life together - somehow I accept that those feelings will never totally disappear.

Wish I could offer more but glad you could share here.
Best wishes
 

sunray

Registered User
Sep 21, 2008
1,486
0
East Coast of Australia
happier Easter than I thought

I was really dreading this weekend. My non-religious friends kept telling me "Easter is for families" okay for them but where are mine? Me alone here and my three adult children with ther families living their own lives. So most of Saturday I was a melting mess, so sorry for myself, in tears most of the afternoon feeling so "poor me".

But I did have a good day today. I knew I was looking after three of my grandchildren so after their Mum dropped them off we all went off to church, so much fun today with a "play" and Easter egg hunt, hot cross buns for morning tea. Then we came home to a message from my younger son who came over with his wife and two children and they brought lunch so it did turn into a happy family time. MUCH better day than yesterday and Friday.

Sorry I am such a moaner, I have had too much time to think. I'll have to do some vigorous cleaning tomorrow and fill my day that way.

Sue.
 

Helen33

Registered User
Jul 20, 2008
14,697
0
He is risen. Easter Greetings Sue.

I am so glad that you had a happier day with family:)

Love
 

sunray

Registered User
Sep 21, 2008
1,486
0
East Coast of Australia
downer day

I seem to have a few good days and then a downer day. It is the weather, it is the isolation, it is the fact I ring out but no-one rings in. I feel as if l have been out of circulation so long I am on no-one's "must contact" list any more. Of course the fact that it is raining again and winter is just around the corner might have something to do with it too.

One of my friends suggested that I should take up volunteering again but I want to be stable first. No sense in crying my eyes out over some song or recognising something we used to do together and getting upset when I am supposed to be looking after other people is there? It isn't just other people who wish I was "over it" I am starting to feel that way too, impatient with myself.

A Buddhist friend said I must try to practise self-forgiveness. He thinks some of this is "survivor guilt". I don't, I think I just miss Ray and want to resume a life that still has him in it. I know that is a foolish thought but the thought of being alone for the rest of my life is a daunting one. How do you come to grips with that? It is so permanent.

Sue.
 

CeliaW

Registered User
Jan 29, 2009
5,643
0
Hampshire
Would taking up some form of micro volunteering be a step towards getting involved with something else and maybe lead to some in person volunteering? Just a thought and you might find that you do some of the "projects" and then get interested in the issue and become involved that way but it would be a gradual process.

The link is http://helpfromhome.org/

Apologies if I am out of sync with what might be helpful but thought a new challenge might be of interest / helpful and this would have a variable commitment level depending on how you felt and also utilise some of your previous volunteering skills.

Celia
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,445
0
Kent
I don`t think you need to seek self forgiveness about anything to do with Ray or your mother Sue. All I can feel is there is a massive gaping hole in your life which will need a very long time to fill, if ever it does.

And you will need time. If you are miserable and tearful you know it`s only to be expected.
It is out of my experience so far thank goodness but I can imagine the hole Dhiren will leave in my life when the time comes for him to go. It` s not that I depend on him for my happiness, it`s because I`m so used to him being a part of my life.
Something happened yesterday and I would have loved to have been able to tell him. But at his stage in dementia he wouldn`t have appreciated it.

I`m sure this is what you are missing, the part Ray played in your life. No one to tell, who would immediately understand, no one of that depth of relationship to share with.

I`m sorry Sue. I think I understand but I`m not able to help. I only wish I was. xx
 

Loopiloo

Registered User
May 10, 2010
6,117
0
Scotland
Dear Sue

I was just going to bed and then read your post, and Sylvia's reply. I agree with her that you do not need to seek forgiveness. In fact, I can only echo every word she has written.

I cannot add anything more to Syvlia's words, except that I also think I understand, and can empathise, but cannot help and wish I could.

You will come through this, Sue, and you probably feel that you will, but it will take time, which you know..... But that doesn't help you at this moment in time, does it..... Try not to be too impatient with yourself, although I do think I can understand that as well.

Thoughts and love

Loo xx
 

Wolfsgirl

Registered User
Oct 18, 2012
1,028
0
Nr Heathrow, Mum has AD & VD
Hello Sue, only read your 'story' today and it took a long time as the text got quite blurry due to leaky eyes! ;)

You have made me think a lot about how my Mum must have felt when Dad died 4 years ago and I never told her what it was like for me as she had lost her husband and I felt it would be too selfish to share my grief. I didn't want to upset Mum and avoided talking about him just in case I cried in front of her. I am ashamed to say I felt irritated when she asked me if I missed him or other questions about him.

I was wrong and know now I should have told her everything, how losing Dad (he had suffered VD for years and had no real quality of life) completely rocked my world. How I woke up sobbing from deep sleep for months and months, how music caught me unawares and evoked bittersweet memories.

It is too late for me to tell Mum how it is only now I realise how much she shielded us, her children, from what she was dealing with (she cared for Dad in S Eire)and he died in her arms. Mum has forgotten the beautiful funeral she arranged and took such pride in and great pains over standing on her feet the whole day the day before aged 81, greeting over 100 visitors, also the marble headstone which cost so much.

The only thing I can do now is talk the compassionate words and reassure her that yes, Dad does miss her as 'he likes to see you about the place' and say things to her he would have said to me like this.

I wanted to respond to you because if you are hurt that your children seem unaffected, it may be just an act to protect you. They may be nursing their grief in private like me.

You, like my Mum had after Dad passed, have a big void in your life now and I honestly believe will help you if you try and fill it by being occupied with something you would like to do and something which stretches you, perhaps adult education. I attach a link to a decorative painting website which may be of interest to you as there is an Australian group also which I will try and find for you.

www.badfa.org

I feel better now after a good cry!

Keep your chin up, Sharon :)
 

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sunray

Registered User
Sep 21, 2008
1,486
0
East Coast of Australia
thak you all so much

Thank you all so much. It is good to see my world through others eyes which is what I do when you reply. The thought you put into your replies is much appreciated.

Thank you Sharon for your kind words. At 65 I hope to still have a few good years ahead of me. My Mum was 81 when my Dad died in January 2000 and never got close to being over his death. She was in complete denial for all the years she still retained her memory. She died last November at 94 from the Alzheimers that had been part of her journey for at least the previous 18 years.

I hope that as I stabilise I can fill my life with worthwhile occupations and renew my mind and refresh my soul. In the meantime it is one foot in front of the other - at least a forward movement!

Sue.