I need to sell my fathers home and am dreading the consequences

[LizzieT]

Hello, I have lurked for a while, and have received a lot of comfort from knowing that my experiences were not unique.

My lovely, gentle, clever father who is nearly 80 was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 3 years ago after a slow decline following my mothers death 9 years ago. He lives 65 miles from me ( 3 hours round trip if i am lucky), and is very dependent on me. It is the usual story of disappearing family and friends and the invisible but opinionated brother of course. In January I found 2 great live in carers who share the week between them as he was becoming a danger to himself and others, and was really sad and lonely.

It has been really hard work for all of them but is finally getting a little easier.

My big concern now, and I know we are really lucky to have the choice, is that he will run out of all cash in 18 months. His only asset will be his house and as things go at the moment I can't see him wanting, or needing to go into a home at that point. I want him to stay where he is known, and where he knows for as long as possible, but this means selling up and buying somewhere smaller to release some money.

I am working on this, but am dreading his reaction to being told he will have to move. My friends think I am mad not to move him nearer us, but I don't want to deprive him of everything he knows if he gets some benefit from it. I think I would also lose the great carers who have worked do hard to help him.

I would love to know if anyone has any experience of this, so I can feel a little better about the decisions I am having to make.

Long long day. Having to stand in for one carer who has had to go away for 6 weeks ( she is still great though!), trying to work, be wife, mum, daughter and me. Utterly exhausted and losing the ability to trust my judgement.

Thanks so much for listening, I know it is really hard for all of us.
Lizzie

 

[Norfolkgirl]

Hello, I have lurked for a while, and have received a lot of comfort from knowing that my experiences were not unique.

My lovely, gentle, clever father who is nearly 80 was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 3 years ago after a slow decline following my mothers death 9 years ago. He lives 65 miles from me ( 3 hours round trip if i am lucky), and is very dependent on me. It is the usual story of disappearing family and friends and the invisible but opinionated brother of course. In January I found 2 great live in carers who share the week between them as he was becoming a danger to himself and others, and was really sad and lonely.

It has been really hard work for all of them but is finally getting a little easier.

My big concern now, and I know we are really lucky to have the choice, is that he will run out of all cash in 18 months. His only asset will be his house and as things go at the moment I can't see him wanting, or needing to go into a home at that point. I want him to stay where he is known, and where he knows for as long as possible, but this means selling up and buying somewhere smaller to release some money.

I am working on this, but am dreading his reaction to being told he will have to move. My friends think I am mad not to move him nearer us, but I don't want to deprive him of everything he knows if he gets some benefit from it. I think I would also lose the great carers who have worked do hard to help him.

I would love to know if anyone has any experience of this, so I can feel a little better about the decisions I am having to make.

Long long day. Having to stand in for one carer who has had to go away for 6 weeks ( she is still great though!), trying to work, be wife, mum, daughter and me. Utterly exhausted and losing the ability to trust my judgement.

Thanks so much for listening, I know it is really hard for all of us.
Lizzie

Oh dear, I do feel for you! One thing to bear in mind, from experience, is that even though one might be comfortable staying in same place as has done for years, one can still "forget" and lose ability to recognise anything in own home. I guess that, if your dad wasn't moving to a care home, it will still be the same if he had to move nearer to you, a move to somewhere unfamiliar nevertheless. The same again getting new good carers and having to get to know them he could be doing this anyway by moving to a care home. I would consider a care home now instead of a place near to you because at the age he is and the likelihood of deterioration would mean yet another move (from a place smaller near to you and then to a care home) and planning it now ahead of time will help stave off any rush at a bad time. You'll need to check out suitable care homes as well which will take up your time now but will save you time in the long run when you are least prepared for it.

I would also bear in mind that while you are being the best daughter in the world and juggling to be everything to everyone else as well, your health may suffer as a result which won't be a help to all those people just mentioned. I would seriously make plans now to get your father moved to a care home (near to you) before the money runs out. If he won't accept any move now, he won't accept it any other time either.

 

[TinaT]

Long long day. Having to stand in for one carer who has had to go away for 6 weeks ( she is still great though!), trying to work, be wife, mum, daughter and me. Utterly exhausted and losing the ability to trust my judgement.

I can feel how exhausted both mentally and pysically you must be feeling. You have fought the good fight with all your might. I agree with the previous poster in that it is better to bite the bullit sooner rather than later. (Sorry too many cliches but I'm sure you understand my meanings)

The longer you leave it all the worse it will become not withstanding the money problem looming up quickly on the horizon. There is never, ever a good time to be thinking of residential care but may I suggest that whilst he is still gently jogging along it might be a good time to look at some care homes near to your own home.

It costs nothing but time and effort to explore this avenue even if you feel in your heart 'not yet, surely not yet'

I'm so very sorry you find yourself in this most difficult of situations.

Best wishes TinaT

 

[fantasticfi]

Hi Lizzie, Ive been lurking too only recently started posting. I'm sure you will get lots of advice and support i thought id share a bit see if it helps you.

I'm currently in the process of sorting out my Dads house before selling it. Just before Christmas i had to find a suitable residential home for him as it just got to that point where it wasn't working any more. We didn't have live in carers but Dad went to day care during the day 3 times a week + carers visited am and pm. Night times became an issue.
Dad knew things were not right he wasn't happy,he didn't know why but knew change was needed. We made the decision that i would look around at what options were available.
I went alone or with my husband to view homes about 10 in all. Decisions ? should it be by me or by him ??? I'm only 30 mins away lol, but I still stuck to his home town, its what he knows and like you didn't want to take that away from him.
Id almost gave up hope of finding a home that I wanted for him, but then found a place that was perfect i cried with relief and happiness after my discovery. Strange but its just around the corner to his house & the last place i looked !!
The chap that runs this place said let your Dad come and stay for 2 weeks see what he thinks and how he feels after that. Just tell him its like a little holiday and lets see how it goes.
Maybe this would be or part of this may help you bring it up with you Dad good luck and look after yourself.
Fiona
x

 

[FifiMo]

Have you considered asking your dad if he would like to move closer to you so that he could see you and the rest of the family every day? If you consider that his dementia isn't too bad yet, then you could consider sheltered housing or even a residential home where he might have more freedom to come and go as he wished.

Failing that and if staying at home is the only real option then you could consider speaking to the Local Authority and ask them if they would enter into a deferred payment arrangement and pay the carers in his home whilst putting a charge against his house. The cost they would pay out would be recoverable at the point that your dad's house is eventually sold, whatever the circumstances for the sale of the house might be. Nothing ventured,nothing gained, as they say!

I hope you find the solution that works for all concerned.

Fiona

 

[fantasticfi]

I must just add that after my posting and reading thread its true they do forget their home and understanding of their location. My Dad only 5 months in care home and has no idea his house is round the corner and that hes in the town hes always lived its just not in his insight anymore. So even though you like me felt keep them to what they know it may be best to have him near you, thinking long term basis and you being 65 miles away good luck x

 

[nimbus11]

Have you considered an equity release scheme?

 

[hollycat]

Have you considered an equity release scheme?

I echo Nimbus11.

Whilst I don't personally like equity release, it seems in your circumstances to be an option for serious consideration, hence my personal opinion is irrelevant.

 

[LizzieT]

Thank you so much for all your advice.

Pa really doesn't seem too bad at the moment- high 5/ low6 with mmse score of 20. He gains so much from living in this area ( last 60 years), that if possible I don't want to move him near us. His is a suburban existence where every day when he walks around his local town he sees people he knows and who know him.

We live in a rural area with many fewer facilities where he would be the strange old man wandering about, not someone they shared a history with. He is also incredibly house proud! That rather means us keeping it perfectly but it truly isn't worth not!

I have considered equity release but it really worries me that the money will run out much sooner and leave me with no choices for him. SS would take over and decide for him. Or am I wrong? Live in care is so expensive, there just didn't seem any other options in the end.

I will however research care homes. He is used to space but maybe I am trying too hard for him. I did ask one where residents can come and go, but they wouldn't have him.

I get a bit of a break next week when I gave found a temporary carer. He will react of course, but I have decided that the balance if distress and suffering needs to change a bit, and to assuage the terrible guilt I feel about constantly abandoning my children. They are incredible, but taking serious exams in may so need their mum. Not to mention the fab husband who does all the stuff my brother ought to and more.

Feeling a bit better now. Thanks
Lizzie

 

[Carotwit]

Thanks

Hi Lizzie.
Thankyou for taking the time to reply to my post yesterday.
We thought about live in carers but the costs seem prohibitive. After watching my father deteriorate for 7 years in a home following strokes and with dementia, Mum begged us never to put her in one. I realise that whatever decisions we make for our loved ones come with a huge amount of doubt, sleepless nights, guilt. It's all so depressing isn't it.
You sound like a wonderfully caring daughter. Keep taking those deep breaths!

 

[marsaday]

Hi Lizzie T,

My Mum was probably at your Dad's stage 18 months ago. I just wanted to point out that, while you feel he may not deteriorate too much in that time, it is quite a long time and it's entirely possible that he will. My Mum is now in care and tbh she hasn't a clue where in the world she is except that she doesn't really want to be there. I would never have imagined it 18 months ago. I also wanted to keep her at home as long as possible but things changed very quickly in that respect too.

Good luck
M

 

[Bedelia]

I have to say I agree with Norfolkgirl here. My mum is now in care - in our old home town where she has lived for the last 40 years, rather than near me 100 miles away, because I too thought she'd be better in her more familiar environment and with friends to visit during the week; and in fact I just couldn't find anywhere suitable in my area.

For a long time, I tried to organise home care for her (without her co-operation and latterly behind her back, out of necessity), but ultimately it wasn't enough. After many years of gradual decline, she suddenly stopped recognising her own home and became very distressed when just in a room by herself; she couldn't be left alone at all and started wandering under paranoid delusions and calling me and friends and neighbours at all hours of the day and night, because she didn't know where she was. 24-hour secure, specialist care became the only option.

With the best will in the world, once the condition passes a certain point, it's just too all-consuming for one person at a time to manage (even if you have found and can fund round-the-clock care in the person's own home).

Of course I hoped, as you probably do, that it would never come to that; but I'm afraid if you think your dad already needs more care than is currently provided, it's better, as Norfolkgirl says, to look into residential options now, rather than have to move him twice - and possibly at short notice when some crisis occurs (as happened with my mum).

It is so tough when the condition itself means that the person cannot see their own decline in capacity and fully take part in these decisions. You may find this site helpful:

http://www.findmegoodcare.co.uk/good-care-planner

All the best to you and your dad.

 

[LizzieT]

I am so grateful for all your kind words and advice and I think I may now be at the point where I can properly hear them.

The last 3 weeks has been really awful for me and my family. Sadly also pa's chest infection and the decline that it has brought about has shown me the future and I can't believe I thought buying him a different house still a 3 hour round trip away was a good idea.

I also have some dear friends who are not afraid to tell me the truth, as well as all of you.

So the sad fact is that I am researching care homes for my darling pa.

There is a sense of huge relief that the long hours on the road will be soon over, and the hope that I can spend some quality time with pa, but also terror at breaking it to him, and managing the transition.

I am sure I will be back for more splendid advice and support. There aren't many upsides to this horrible disease, but the people I have met along the way in the same boat are extraordinary and greatly treasured.

Thank you

 

[Norfolkgirl]

I am so grateful for all your kind words and advice and I think I may now be at the point where I can properly hear them.

The last 3 weeks has been really awful for me and my family. Sadly also pa's chest infection and the decline that it has brought about has shown me the future and I can't believe I thought buying him a different house still a 3 hour round trip away was a good idea.

I also have some dear friends who are not afraid to tell me the truth, as well as all of you.

So the sad fact is that I am researching care homes for my darling pa.

There is a sense of huge relief that the long hours on the road will be soon over, and the hope that I can spend some quality time with pa, but also terror at breaking it to him, and managing the transition.

I am sure I will be back for more splendid advice and support. There aren't many upsides to this horrible disease, but the people I have met along the way in the same boat are extraordinary and greatly treasured.

Thank you

Good luck. It is a shame you have to "warn" him of what's going to happen but I guess you'll have to explain and emphasise about the money situation i.e. not enough to last etc. Let us know how you get on. It is a sensible idea to move him just the once to a care home and we all hope you find a suitable one near to you.