Assault

[kd7279]

I have just assaulted my wife. I was trying to give her her medication and she thew it at me. This is after she refused to eat any dinner.
I'm afraid I lost it and smacked her.
Should I report myself to SS or the police now?

 

[sistermillicent]

I am sorry you are having a terrible day.

Presumably your wife is ok, but if you think she needs medical attention then you should get it.

I wonder how you are feeling now, if you think you might lose it again then get yourself some help immediately = there should be an emergency social worker on duty somewhere, have you got the numbers?

Have you any family you can call on for emergency help? As the daughter of my dad who cares for my mum I know I would want my dad to call on me if he felt as you do.

You may need emergency respite.

From your post I think you are normally kind person, but this sort of thing could happen to any of us when we are pushed beyond our limit.
I hope others here help you with other ideas and support

 

[tre]

Dear kd,
I am so sorry it has come to this. It is likely that this is neither your fault nor your wife's fault. It just says to me you need some urgent help in your caring role. I
I think you should get in touch with your SW and try to get respite or at the very least some more help in the home.
You are at the end of your tether and it is the intolerable stress that has made this happen.
love Tre

 

[garnuft]

Do you think you may do it again kd7279?

If there is any possibility that you could hurt her again, then you are stretched beyond you limits and you must get HELP straight away, for your wife and for yourself.

But if it was a one-off, if you feel true regret and determination that it won't happen again, then learn the lesson of how BAD you feel, how WRONG you were to do it and how you MUST get support to prevent yourself from being abusive again.... or leave the care of your wife to others.

You MUST NOT let it happen again.

 

[kd7279]

Hi Sistermillicent and TRE,
Thanks for your replies. My wife's daughter lives two hours away and her single son is probably out clubbing now.
I think it was a one off but I feel ashamed that I could do this. I did have two weeks respite in February (and wished it would never end!).
My SW only works monday to Wednesday and as Monday is a holiday won't get much joy 'till Tuesday next week.
I think i'll just put her to bed now, without her nightly medication, and hope she sleeps through the night without clonazapan.

 

[Butter]

You obviously need more help. We all need help sometimes. If you cannot manage you can ring an emergency number. Or you can ring NHS Direct and the duty staff will talk to you and advise you.

 

[kd7279]

Well, we have both said sorry to each other and she has taken her medication and gone quietly to bed.
I'm not going to call emergency help lines now, I'll wait 'till the morning and see how things are.
I have a load of ironing to do so I'll work my aggression out on that!
At least I got it off my chest, made my confession and thanks for your replies and consideration, I knew I could rely on the thread.

 

[sistermillicent]

I have found the number for social care in Thanet, you could try ringing it and see if there is an emergency number. 08458 247 204

It doesn't matter what days your social worker is on duty, there is always someone covering for emergencies.

Otherwise I would ring 111 which is an NHs helpline, really for medical queries, they may be able to help.

Could you try giving your wife her medication in half an hour?

sometimes when things were really bad with my parents I would say just to sit on the sofa together and have a cup of tea, hold hands, don't try talking or explaining.



Remember you won't have to keep caring for your wife on your own, you need respite whether or not you have just had it, and that respite might need to become permanent.

post crossed with yours KD, glad you are a bit more sorted out.

 

[kd7279]

I have found the number for social care in Thanet, you could try ringing it and see if there is an emergency number. 08458 247 204

It doesn't matter what days your social worker is on duty, there is always someone covering for emergencies.

Otherwise I would ring 111 which is an NHs helpline, really for medical queries, they may be able to help.

Could you try giving your wife her medication in half an hour?

sometimes when things were really bad with my parents I would say just to sit on the sofa together and have a cup of tea, hold hands, don't try talking or explaining.



Remember you won't have to keep caring for your wife on your own, you need respite whether or not you have just had it, and that respite might need to become permanent.

post crossed with yours KD, glad you are a bit more sorted out.

Yes I realise that the situation will become permanent, in fact I spoke with the SW a week ago arranging my next respite and said that I feel the time is rapidly approaching.
She does go to Day Centre twice a week (blessed relief) and a girl from Crossroads sits with her for a few hours so I do get some weekly day respite.
I have to say though that after 5 years caring for her and being in my 70's I have just about had enough.

 

[dognecks]

Well, we have both said sorry to each other and she has taken her medication and gone quietly to bed.
I'm not going to call emergency help lines now, I'll wait 'till the morning and see how things are.
I have a load of ironing to do so I'll work my aggression out on that!
At least I got it off my chest, made my confession and thanks for your replies and consideration, I knew I could rely on the thread.

you have reached your limit , and its time things changed , from tom , we all have a breaking point, this isnt your fault , cause things will only go down hill without more help. sorry to hear this, but please get the help. from dementia carer

 

[rajahh]

I can relate to you completely. I have never assaulted my husband but my golly I have walked away screaming many times.

I have been his full time carer for 8 years now and I too am in my 70's/

I feel you are at the end of yout tether, that you have reached what is called the "tipping point" . 5 years is a long time and if she is not being compliant I can well understand you becoming desperate. and frustrated.

Sending a hug

Jeannette

 

[kd7279]

All hugs gratefully received, good to know that there are good people out there thinking of you.

 

[garnuft]

Hugs, kisses and total understanding kd7279.

Leave the ironing, do what you need for tomorrow and leave the rest.

Sit, relax and have some time for yourself....you made it through another day.
Some are better than others.

Tomorrow may surprise you and be ...what's that word?....nice

XXX

 

[rajahh]

I totally agree about leaving the ironing!!!! Jeannette

 

[beech mount]

Sorry to rock the boat but although i have every sympathy and understanding of your position this cannot be allowed to happen again, walk away, break something anything but but do not hit your wife again, this is not her fault, get more help.
This is how domestic violence starts, good luck with whatever you do.
John.

 

[SWMBO1950]

KD7279 So sorry your stress levels have got to such a pitch.

Please get yourself some help on a daily basis. None of us are perfect let alone saints.

You have reached carer overload and should seek help and assistance immediately after the Bank Holiday.

Very Best Wishes

 

[Shash7677]

I slapped my mum when she was at home. She was kicking off and I mean kicking off, tried to strangle me 3 times, I had to restrain her on the sofa with her still kicking out at me, she was shouting, pushing and shoving.

She got so irate at one point she slapped me straight across the face. My knee jerk reaction, well, I slapped her on the shoulder. It didnt stop her though, her mouth carried on running away with her.

That day she was admitted to a psychiatric assesemt unit and from there into a home. My dad god bless him was being hit on a daily basis, with brushes and TV zappers, anything she could get her hands on. He never once raised his hand, I on the other hand in his shoes would have grabbed the zapper or the hairbrush and whacked her back with it!

We all have our breaking points, we all have very different personalities and levels as to what we can take. Whilst you and I both know, slapping our loved ones is wrong BUT! It is a knee jerk reaction. Sometimes it can't be helped. The life of a carer is a bloody dofficult one, please don't give yourself too hard a time, yes it was wrong but you realise that. There are as mentioned above numbers to call for duty social workers, you could even ask an on call GP to contact the Mental Health Crisis Team on your behalf.

Maybe you could get your wife into emergency respite? Or maybe it's time to let go, do what my dad did and admit that your wife just needs looking after and set the ball in motion to finding a place in a care home. Your post really is a cry for help and by your own admission you didn't want the respite to come to an end. We all have our breaking points and it takes a strong person to admit they've reached theirs. I personally think you are there.

As always just my thoughts, please don't take offence at my CH suggestion. You must not only take care of your wife but yourself also. Don't get the iron out, have a cuppa and jump into bed. Tomorrow is a new day.

Take care

Sharon

 

[Grannie G]

Please see this as a warning kd. Once is once too many and means , as everyone else has said, you need help.

 

[DozyDoris]

How are things today for you? I have no advice to give that has not already been given - I have never read any of your posts but coming onto a forum to talk about what has happened does not suggest this is the start of domestic violence. It is the sign of a human being struggling to cope with a terribly hard situation. I have nearly 26 years experience in a job where I have encountered domestic abuse on many a level and I also care for my Dad with AD and a very very difficult Mum who more than tests my patience.
If you feel it brewing walk away, but it may be time for you both to have a better quality of life (something I am hitting head on too right now) by living apart and spending quality time together.

 

[nicoise]

Dear KD,

I think you must have shocked yourself with your reaction, and you know that in your heart of hearts that things are going beyond what you can cope with.

Please be honest with your SW that you cannot do this anymore. You say that when the respite was coming to an end in February you wished it wasn't - it really sounds as though you need a permanent break. You owe it to yourself and your wife to get the best care for her with the way she is now. You have done a brilliant job given the circumstances up to now, but things are pushing you over the edge.

I don't know if perhaps you hold back because you feel you ought to be able to cope with looking after her; it sounds as though your wife's children aren't in the picture when it comes to caring on a regular basis, and I wonder if their views on going into care full-time might also be holding you back?

I hope that you had a reasonable night's sleep even without the medication (or is that too much to hope for?) and that the two of you are starting a new day afresh. But make that phone call for both your sakes.

Please let us know how you are today?

Best wishes x