A chapter is ending, but not the book (yet)

[simonphillips]

Mom had a CHC assessment and although she was not suitable for CHC she has been granted the Nursing element. The CHC Nurse basically told me to get Mom into a Nursing Home as it was blatantly obvious the effect on my health of looking after her was "almost catatrophic... preferably before Christmas..".

So, the search for a Nursing Home begins; the faff of Court of Protection; sorting out my benefits etc. but I feel as if I've failed. I'll get over it eventually I suppose. Next!

 

[Kathphlox]

You've not failed Simon, you have done everything you can and it's made your own health suffer.

I wish you well in this struggle to get things sorted, it's a hard road

Take care

 

[jan.s]

You have certainly not failed, you have done everything you can for your mum. The illness at some stages is more than one person can cope with. I too struggled on as much as i could for my husband, but eventually had to admit i couldn't cope with it all. It wasn't in his best interest for me to carry on, and i suspect you are in a similar position.

It is a very difficult decision to make. Wishing you well.

Jan

 

[Pon]

a chapter is ending but not the book yet

Hi
Don't feel you have failed . i'm in the same position as you and I knew before my husband was admitted to hospital that he was so ill that my nursing care was no longer enough and that he need a complete team of fully qualified medical staff to do their best for him and was I right it has taken them 4 months only to make him well enough to only be discharged to a emi nursing home.
Don't blame yourself it's this dreadful decease that takes our loved ones away from us I visit John everyday and I know it's tough to see our loved ones in this position but there are little glimmers sometimes yesterday he said very quietly do you think you could marry me and I said we are married and his reply was well that's ok then
That was my smile of the day
Take care am passing on a hug

Pon

 

[LynneMcV]

There is no failure, you've done everything you are able to within your own physical limits. Your mum would not want you making yourself so desperately ill on her behalf - that's not what mums want for their children

Stop beating yourself up and know that what you need to do is best for both of you and there is no blame or failure on either side

 

[lin1]

Dear Simon
You have not failed, far from it
As others have already said it's this horrid disease

Also if your mum was able to see how the wonderful care you are giving your mum, was doing to you what do you think your mum would tell you to do
I am guessing your mum would be saying , it's time to find me a nice place

I know this probably wont take any of the guilt away but try to keep it in mind that you have been a wonderful caring son to your mum
and you still will be
the caring role doesnt end just changes

 

[Dazmum]

Simon, you are about as far from a failure as you could get, I don't think many sons would devote their lives to their mums as you have, I think you are pretty amazing, and your care for your mum comes through every one of your posts. I wish you luck in your search for a nice place for your mum, can you take someone with you, as I did it on my own and found it harder for that. Take care xxx

 

[Bristolbelle]

Been there, done that...

and the guilt monster gave me a beating too! But as others have said YOU have not failed. In reflection now I think some of my feelings of failure were also connected to a fear of letting go. As exhaustive as it was, and as impactive on my health as it clearly is on yours, I still found when the time came for Mum to go into care I felt I had failed her. But now over 18months on I wonder was it a feeling of failure or partially fear of the unknown. When caring takes over you life and you become isolated form wider society and other family etc it is almost as if we also have a shell that builds itself around us. After caring I felt redundant and dis-empowered is this how you are feeling too? My purpose was gone. But there will; be a new role, it may be very different and it may be absolutely terrifying (I returned to work after 18years as a carer and was mortified by the idea). However you will look back and wonder if knowing what you knew at the time you made every decision and took every action you have taken while caring for your Mum with the best of intentions and the greatest of love you never failed!
Good luck as you confront the next chapter.

 

[Grannie G]

Forget talk of failure Simon. You have done as much as you possible could have.

 

[JoshuaTree]

Just wanted to say that I agree. I also understand that no matter how many people say to you the same thing you cant help how you feel. Please try not to though. You're doing this for your Mum as well as for yourself.

 

[jaymor]

Failing your Mum would be you carrying on caring for her when more expert care was needed. My husband had been 3 weeks in an assessment unit when I was told by the consultant that my husband could no longer be cared for at home. He was surprised he had stayed at home as long as he had and we had not had carers in. It took a further 6 weeks to get him to the stage of being able to go to the nursing home.

Your caring role will not end here.

The new chapter :-

You now have to find the best home you can for your Mum and that wont be easy. Then you will have to watch over her and make sure she gets the care she deserves and be ready to fight her corner evey step of the way. It certainly is a different kind of caring but still a very important part of the care your Mum must continue to have.

My husband has only been in his nursing home 3 weeks and the difference in him is very visible. He has one to one care and the best care we could wish for. I now know that if he had stayed with me, I would have denied him this care. They are professional carers (nursing staff as it is a nursing home) and know how to get the very best out of their patients.

So embrace the help and look forward to that wonderful thing called quality time with your Mum. Money can't buy it, believe me. My husband now smiles and even laughs from time to time. So please forget failure and guilt. They are two words that don't apply to you, me or any other carer on this forum who has to pass on the care of our loved one.

Good luck in finding a CH. There are good one out there, they are just buried under the
not so good ones.

Jay

 

[Contrary Mary]

Oh Simon, you have not long said on another thread that your health has been b****red. You had that battle over the rehab place. You had troubles with social circuses. You really have done absolutely everything you could for your dear Mum. Now your next task is to find her the best home. And look after yourself at the same time. Not easy, I know, and you will still be a carer, in a different way but just as important. For you may still be fighting for her and I'm sure you will continue to do your best for her.

Wishing you all the best
Mary
x