lost mum last thursday,been in a care home for 2 years with dementia,and over the last few months declined quite quickly.Went into hospital with a urinary infection 4 weeks ago,virtually stoped eating and drinking and also lost mobility.In the carehome could never keep still always on the go and had things to do.Released to a nursing home last Monday seemed to be doing OK was eating and drinking a little with lots of encouragement,Thursday dinner refused to eat or drink and started having breathing difficulties(rattle),when i got there at 2 wasn't very good at all,I was asked if i wanted to lift the DNR which had been carried over from the hospital,but looking at her laid in bed,hardly recognisable with the amount of weight shes lost over the last month and being immobile I said no.She died at 4-20, I'm certain it wouldn't have made any difference,but i feel so guilty at not giving her a chance.
I feel so guilty
- Thread starter stephencl
- Start date
Oh Stephen please accept my sympathy you are bound to feel guilty but you know you did the kindest thing, your mum would have suffered and you would have faced the same thing all over again, you did this because of your love for your mum,
Jeany x,
Jeany x,
Hello Stephen,
I am glad you have found Talking Point and you can share your feelings here.
My husband died a few weeks ago. I had DNR in place and also the End of Life Package to help ease his last few hours as we were expecting breathing difficulties and discomfort.
Thankfully he did not need them as he died peacefully but I had said they were not to put life saving equipment in place. If I had he may ultimately had a less than peaceful end and then I would have felt even worse.
Try to comfort yourself with the thought that your Mother is now at peace and no longer suffering from this wretched disease. Would she really wanted to have continued with a poor quality existence? As a Mother I am sure the answer would be 'no'.
I am sorry you have lost your Mother but I am sure you have done your best for her and she would be proud of you. Please try to shed the guilt.
I am glad you have found Talking Point and you can share your feelings here.
My husband died a few weeks ago. I had DNR in place and also the End of Life Package to help ease his last few hours as we were expecting breathing difficulties and discomfort.
Thankfully he did not need them as he died peacefully but I had said they were not to put life saving equipment in place. If I had he may ultimately had a less than peaceful end and then I would have felt even worse.
Try to comfort yourself with the thought that your Mother is now at peace and no longer suffering from this wretched disease. Would she really wanted to have continued with a poor quality existence? As a Mother I am sure the answer would be 'no'.
I am sorry you have lost your Mother but I am sure you have done your best for her and she would be proud of you. Please try to shed the guilt.
I too lost my Mum only a fortnight ago. in hospital with a UTI but ready to be discharged on the Monday. Went down with C difficle on the Friday and died peacefully on the sunday morning. that lat hour while I was waiting for my brother and sister to arrive I sat there holding Mum's hand, talking to her, listening to the radio with me singing (badly) like I did at home and though she was not responding she did just for a second press against my hand and then I told her i loved her but said that if it was too much for her then she was to go, even though it broke my heart to say it and within half an hour she had gone. somebody told me later that day that it was brave of me and that probably mum just needed me to say it. she's released now from all her confusion. We had a DNR in place and I don't feel guilty, it would have been selfish of me to try and keep her here and you mustn't feel guilty either. You loved your Mum enough to let her go and that is your final gift to her and she would be proud of the fact that you were strong enough to give it.
Jude
Jude
Jude that sounds so familiar spent 2 hours sat on floor holding mums hand and talking too her,a few issues so coroner involved,phoned to talk to me on Monday,first thing he did was thank to me for leaving DNR in place and being brave enough to follow it through.Very surprised he put sole cause of death was Advanced Severe Dementia,as I have been fed up of reading statements that Dementia does not kill. He was talking to me for 30mins and after realised I had done the best thing,although probably the most difficult decision I have ever made.Arrangements now all made,funeral on Wednesday,it will then hit me very hard or it will be a relief,mums finally free of an evil disease that slowly destroys the person you love.
Hello Stephen
So sorry to hear about your loss. I just wanted to say how heartening it was to hear that the coroner took the time to talk this through with you and I hope his comments have helped ease any guilt.
I also sincerely hope that if the time comes for me to make a similar decision, I will show as much courage as you.
So sorry to hear about your loss. I just wanted to say how heartening it was to hear that the coroner took the time to talk this through with you and I hope his comments have helped ease any guilt.
I also sincerely hope that if the time comes for me to make a similar decision, I will show as much courage as you.
So sorry to hear about your Mum. You did the right thing and should treat it as an act of kindness (easy to say I know).
Dad has DNR and I hope we can be as brave as you if the time arose.
Luv
Polly x
Dad has DNR and I hope we can be as brave as you if the time arose.
Luv
Polly x
Thank you for your comments, my main consolation is mum is back with dad after 22years apart, mum paid for double plot when dad died and made her intentions quite clear.
I work in the health service which made my decision to say no to lifting the DNR easier,full well knowing what would have happened if I said yes and almost certainly the outcome would have been the same a few days later and mum undergone a lot more suffering. What is difficult is you are choosing if someone has a chance or not, and that nagging doubt in your mind ,but maybe they could do something,what if I've made a mistake.
When the DNR was put in place I thought it best but when the time comes it is very difficult to follow through,even with the knowledge I have it would have been so easy to lift it. It is a very difficult choice but I would say to anyone in similar situation follow it through,you will feel guilty,you have allowed someones life to end,but then at this point life would almost certainly only be extended a few days.
Went to view mum yesterday,she looked so peaceful,and just how I remember her.Not as she was this last few weeks with tears in her eyes and complaining of pain all over.
I work in the health service which made my decision to say no to lifting the DNR easier,full well knowing what would have happened if I said yes and almost certainly the outcome would have been the same a few days later and mum undergone a lot more suffering. What is difficult is you are choosing if someone has a chance or not, and that nagging doubt in your mind ,but maybe they could do something,what if I've made a mistake.
When the DNR was put in place I thought it best but when the time comes it is very difficult to follow through,even with the knowledge I have it would have been so easy to lift it. It is a very difficult choice but I would say to anyone in similar situation follow it through,you will feel guilty,you have allowed someones life to end,but then at this point life would almost certainly only be extended a few days.
Went to view mum yesterday,she looked so peaceful,and just how I remember her.Not as she was this last few weeks with tears in her eyes and complaining of pain all over.
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Stephen, you did your very best for your Mum, and loving someone enough to let them slip away is always tough. You may always wonder if you did the right thing, but better to have done so when you did than to see your Mum continue to suffer and to wish you had done so earlier. Your Mum loved you too and wouldnt want you to feel guilty. Remember and celebrate the good times, xx
Hello Stephen,
I am so sorry to hear of your sad loss, but please please do not let the guilt monster win..guilt plays such a huge part during illness, especially when the carer has to make all decisions, should we have done this, should we have done that, what if this, what if that, and so it goes on.
I felt all these guilt pangs when my husband had to go into a residential Home,even though I was there every day for him, I felt I had let him down and then when he was so ill and clearly dying, I made the same decision not to put him through any more drugs, injections etc, as there was no quality of life left at all and I know he wouldn't have thanked me for prolonging his life.
Living with our loss is heart breaking and we musnt give ourselves more grief, especially when we did all we could for our loved ones...but it isn't easy is it.
take care
Bronwen
I am so sorry to hear of your sad loss, but please please do not let the guilt monster win..guilt plays such a huge part during illness, especially when the carer has to make all decisions, should we have done this, should we have done that, what if this, what if that, and so it goes on.
I felt all these guilt pangs when my husband had to go into a residential Home,even though I was there every day for him, I felt I had let him down and then when he was so ill and clearly dying, I made the same decision not to put him through any more drugs, injections etc, as there was no quality of life left at all and I know he wouldn't have thanked me for prolonging his life.
Living with our loss is heart breaking and we musnt give ourselves more grief, especially when we did all we could for our loved ones...but it isn't easy is it.
take care
Bronwen
