Rambling on about Grieving

[jeany123]

I have had this worry for a long time I seem to block out when anyone dies, My granddad died when I was 8, my Aunt died she was just 46 when I was 10, then the next year my lovely grandma died, when I was 17 my dad died and I was 19 when my other grandma died,I was only 22 and had 2 children when my lovely mam died I don't think I had time to grieve for any of them I was so young , 3 years ago my brother had a stroke and died he was just 57 I was heartbroken but life went on, my sister is still grieving and was very upset when our brothers wife started seeing a man and now won't speak to her I have the opinion that my brother would want his wife to be happy and I was pleased she had found someone new,I often wonder if there is something the matter with me as my sister has suffered the same losses as me but she is nine years older do you think that made a difference when we were young ,

Oh dear another ramble but i do feel I can write anything without being judged on here,and I hope people can make head and tails of this,


Jeany x

 

[Butter]

I was heartbroken but life went on,

I think that is the very best we can hope for - and that is the frame of mind in which I hope to live my life.

 

[Chemmy]

Maybe the difference, Jeany, is that you are someone who look can forward (cup half-full) whereas your sister is someone who constantly looks back (cup half-empty).

I know which one I'd rather be and I wish your sister-in-law well too.

 

[Grannie G]

We all grieve in different ways and no one can tell us how we should and shouldn`t feel.

You have more than enough on your plate just now Jeany as full time carer to Allen. Perhaps your psyche can only cope with as much as you have to address in the here and now.

 

[Witzend]

I guess we all have our own ways of handling these things, Jeany, and yours is evidently right for you. Please don't worry or agonize because it's not the same as someone else's - as someone else has said, you've got more than enough on your plate.
There is surely no 'right' or wrong' way of coping with grief, though I'm sure you could probably find a therapist/counsellor only too willing to talk you through it during half a dozen sessions @ £X a pop. Not that I'm a horrible cynic or anything.

 

[jaymor]

We all grieve in different ways and no one can tell us how we should and shouldn`t feel.

You have more than enough on your plate just now Jeany as full time carer to Allen. Perhaps your psyche can only cope with as much as you have to address in the here and now.

Grannie G you are so right.

What has gone has gone, what is to be we have no control over. The only thing we can have some influence on is the here and now.

Our four grandchildren are dealing with my husband's condition in different ways. Oldest (20 year old) wants to remember him as he was, next (17 years old) visits him in the assessment centre several times a week, 13 year old has said nothing at all except hope granddads feeling better and the youngest is only 6 months old so has no knowlege of his granddad as his granddad has no knowledge of him. Grieving is so different for everyone whether for a death, or in our circumstances, as in so many on this forum, the living death of our loved ones with dementia.

We must all deal with it in our way and who are we to think we can comment on how anyone else deals with it. The right way is the way we deal with it ourselves.

Sun has now come out after the heavy rain so off to find the end of the rainbow.
Jay

 

[hendy]

So sorry to read your post. I agree with the sentiments that have been expressed. Everybody grieves differently and there is no right or wrong about it. You have suffered sad losses from a young age and I guess your response to grief is about surviving and moving on, rather than letting it consume you completely. Its hard to understand and make sense of it at all, its about accepting that is your way.

Loving someone who is suffering from dementia also is grieving, but in suspended animation with no 'closure', and its about carrying on and dealing with life. difficult to explain but can be very confusing and bewildering at times. hugs

 

[rajahh]

I am a member of a bereavement site and one of the things I havelearned over the three years since I joined is that we all grieve in different ways,

There is no right or wrong way and what seems " normal" for one is outrageous for another.

Our loved ones would all want us to be able to smile and laugh and look forward to the future, but at the beginning this is sometimes impossible. I remember asking a friend who had lost a son 9 years before I lost my daughter and grand daughter " will I ever laugh again" He said yes you will but do not look for it.

He was right I do smile I do laugh, I remember them both with such wonderful memories. I still cry though sometimes, but this is ok too.

My son in law has met someone new, and is now engaged . The only thing I didn't like about that was the fact that he let me become a " friend" on Facebook so that I could find out his new relationship there instead of telling me himself.

However I do wish him well, I know my daughter will never be forgotten while I am alive and that is all that has to matter to me.

You have faced many deaths at different stages of your life and each one has been different, and dealt with differently.

Life does go on it has to. Within 30 minutes of being told by the police I was making lunch for my husband . He needed his routine and that probably helped me .

We truly cannot live in the past , otherwise we miss all the opportunities life has to offer.

I have rambled on too forgive me, all I really wanted to stress is that do understand the complexities of grief, and the different ways we all have of dealing with them.

Jeannette

 

[bunnies]

You have had a lot of death close to you in your life, that must be hard. I do think we deal with death differently when we are younger. Children seem to adapt and move on, but when it is a parent the damage gets buried deeper and I believe it can affect these children later in life. I also lost my mother when I was a young adult (19) and I certainly didn't come to terms with it at all then, though life went on. Now, many years later, my dear aunt died from dementia, and I think I grieve for her much more because I am also grieving for my mother. I have never have minded life 'carrying on', but that doesn't mean that there isn't grieving there.

 

[min88cat]

Each person is different with regard to grief . Let no one tell you that there is a wrong way or a right way. When my late husband passed at 48 I had a well meaning 'friend' who told me how I should behave . Suffice to say she is no longer a friend. My children were 17 and 15 and witnessed their dad crash to the floor. My son underwent counselling at the age of 24 (he is now 29) through cruse and is now settled and expecting a baby. My daughter hasa relationship problems and cannot commit. I dont think it will be long before she seeks counselling herself.

Me, I had two children to look after and that helped. I still have the odd day where it hits me and it was 12 years ago , and I have since remarried - funerals are hard - I cry for everyone I have known and loved, not just the person that I am there for.

 

[jeany123]

Thank you for all your kind words I am overwhelmed by all the responses ,


Jeany x

 

[jeany123]

I have always had a busy life with work and children to juggle, grandchildren to babysit and Allen to look after so haven't had time to think about things really, My sister has never married or had children and only ever had herself to think about, her partner of about 15 years looks after her and he does everything as she has a rare blood cancer, she has had to go for treatment every month for years now, so I suppose she has had more time to think,
I am pleased that you think that my way is ok


I don't mean literally juggling children


Jeany x

 

[Grannie G]

I don't mean literally juggling children


Jeany x

I bet you do Jeany. I bet you`re a secret child juggler at heart.

 

[jeany123]

I bet you do Jeany. I bet you`re a secret child juggler at heart.

With 4 children and 7 grandchildren it did and does feel like it sometimes

Jeany x

 

[Big Effort]

Hello Jeany, hello all,
I'm here to contribute my tuppenceworth, not that I am an expert on grief or grieving.
Obviously there isn't a right or a wrong way to grieve. I assume it also depends on who it is, our relationship to them, and also our values.

When Dad died after a long, slow descent from a stroke. When he died, I actually congratulated him - which I thought others would find strange, yet I knew how hard he had tried, and how he hated to leave Mum. We had such a year, all the ups and downs, chest infections, urinary infections, each of which could have snuffed him out, but didn't. So when he came to dying, I didn't cry at all. I think I had done my grieving a little each day in the year before that. Also it was 6 weeks before my daughter was born and I think hormones played a role: I was giving life at the time!

With Mum, this Alzheimers is far tougher to handle on a day to day basis. I see such 'brain rot', the descent from a hugely successful, busy, loving, able person into someone who can't do up a car seatbelt, can't tell the time, has to watch us eating to take a queue as to what to eat and how...... on the other hand she is totally physically fit. So there is no immediate risk of dying of an age-related illness. I am forced through financial circumstances to put her in a home...... we kept Dad at home, and this is a huge cause of grief for me. So the circumstances of the dying person does affect how we grieve.

Finally values. You mentioned your sister doesn't really approve of second relationships, while you find this acceptable even desirable. If two siblings differ in values like this, you are bound to show variations in the grieving process.

Any way who are any of us to judge? I know 'they' say grieving is a healthy, healing process, but on a personal note, I have yet to feel any direct benefits! To blame for us all treading a pretty lonely, isolated path is our Western attitude to death. Something to shut in a box and move on from!

There, got that off my chest.

 

[jeany123]

Big Effort i am so pleased I started this thread, all of yours and everyone elses replies reassure me, The thing that really upset me was, at our daughters wedding reception when my sister-in-law brought her new partner( who was invited ) my sister totally ignored them and moved away and went home without saying anything to our daughter, she told me she couldn't stand the noise but it was obvious to everyone what was wrong and I was upset that she couldn't put up with it for even an hour ,


Jeany x

 

[Grannie G]

she told me she couldn't stand the noise but it was obvious to everyone what was wrong and I was upset that she couldn't put up with it for even an hour ,
Jeany x

Methinks it was the green eyed monster jeany.

 

[jeany123]

Methinks it was the green eyed monster jeany.

Sylvia you have hit the nail on the head she has always been spiteful and appeared jealous of me now that i come to think of it I have always had little money and always had responsibility she has plenty money and no responsibility I have always excused her nastiness and included her in everything but I have enough on my plate without having to deal with her snide remarks and pettiness so have stepped back a bit and don't tell her everything like I used to, I now see that she doesn't like it, By the way she hasn't any dementia she is just nasty ,She has always had to have what everyone else had , oh dear I shouldn't be saying things like that should I ?
she is ill .

 

[Butter]

By the way she hasn't any dementia she is just nasty ,She has always had to have what everyone else had , oh dear I shouldn't be saying things like that should I ?
she is ill .

I don't see why you shouldn't say that - I do believe some of us are blessed with happier temperaments than others - happier dispositions - there's no point denying it. IMO.

 

[Witzend]

Big Effort i am so pleased I started this thread, all of yours and everyone elses replies reassure me, The thing that really upset me was, at our daughters wedding reception when my sister-in-law brought her new partner( who was invited ) my sister totally ignored them and moved away and went home without saying anything to our daughter, she told me she couldn't stand the noise but it was obvious to everyone what was wrong and I was upset that she couldn't put up with it for even an hour ,


Jeany x

Honestly, Jeany, that is the most pathetic behaviour and IMO best ignored. Is she the sort of person who isn't happy unless she's got a grievance? And/or someone to focus a 'hate thing' on? I have known one or two like that...