Going into a care home: Any tips on how to get through this?

[Biddy88]

It's been agreed this afternoon - Mum is going into a care home on Tuesday morning. It's what we've all been fighting for, for many months, and we know it's the right thing to do but now the time has come it all feels quite surreal. I don't know how I feel any more.

I live on the opposite side of the country and can't be there on the day so it falls upon my poor sister, who is her main carer and has borne the brunt of everything that entails, to do the awful deed. The mental health social worker, who took up Mum's case after her latest disastrous discharge from hospital, is going to be there so that's something. This lady has been so supportive and has clearly been through this situation many times before. Just wish we'd had her on board before! I know she will steer things in the right direction and the care home will know how to handle Mum when she arrives too, but it's going to be tough.

Since Mum came home from hospital 2 weeks ago she's been miserable and asking 24/7 to be taken 'home'. It's been suggested, and mutually agreed, that if asked everyone should tell her just that - that she's going home. Sis feels awful about lying to her (I do too) but we all know that to tell Mum the truth would only make things far worse.

So a plan is sort of arranged, but what I'd like to know is how you get through those early days. Should we leave her to settle in, or visit often? She's likely to blame Sis for 'putting me away', as she's accused her of plotting to do that before and was very angry with her when she was sectioned to an assessment unit a couple of months ago. How do you handle that? Mum will be distressed and Sis will be terribly hurt, and she's hurting so much already. I suppose how long Mum will take to settle is one of those 'piece of string' questions, because we're all different, aren't we?

The care home manager has given Sis a 'life book' to fill in. We've just been talking about it and what to write and it almost feels like Mum's died. Does that sound strange?

What do we take afterwards to make her room feel homely? How do we decide which of her possessions she should have there? Her eyesight's so poor now she can't see her family photos any more and she's lost all her old interests/hobbies.

At some point soon we'll have to think about putting her house on the market. When's the right time to do that?! We know it's got to happen because of the funding but it seems indecent. We'll be rifling through her things and saying goodbye to our childhood home.

It's a beautiful day today and the irony is Mum has had one of her best days. Sis has spent the afternoon with her having a cuppa and a chat just like old times, which makes her feel worse knowing what's to come.

It's all so very sad and cruel. We've spent such a lot of time and energy fighting for everything but I have a feeling that now this battle is ending it's really going to hit us hard.

Sorry if I'm rambling - it's the stream of thoughts running through my head. I'm thinking aloud I suppose.

 

[angelmarbella]

Hello Biddy

We went through this 3 weeks ago. My brother and I had to bring our mother (and her dog) down from Leeds to a CH in London where we all live. We were dreading the journey but we told her she was coming down for a short stay to be near us and it went surprisingly well.

We told her the CH was a hotel (in fact I called them when we were close and asked if this was C.... H..... Hotel and to confirm my mother's arrival).

The main carer made us all a cup of tea and she liked her room and after walking round the garden we were advised to bring her into one of the lounges to meet some other residents. She got chatting to a nice gentleman resident then my brother and I left.

We were advised not to visit for at least a week, to give her time to settle in although we could call every day. We were allowed to visit after about 10 days - various things had happened during her settling in period which I won't go into here but that suffice it to say she has settled fairly well - at least she is safe.

Her room was nicely furnished but we brought ornaments and photographs to make it more like her home. I don't know whether your Mum's room is furnished and I assume you have put her labelled clothes in there already? I don't know how it works in other care homes but in Mum's, if I had brought the bulk of her clothes on the day they would have had to be "listed" by the staff which would have taken time and might have worried Mum, I don't know.

I am now feeling more relaxed about it all - it took many years of stress and worries to get to this point and when this point finally arrives, I think you will feel much better after the unsettling period immediately prior to the move and perhaps the first few weeks of settling in.

I hope it goes well for you all and your Mum and think of all the reasons why she will be better off in care and know you have done the right thing.

We are putting the house on the market at the beginning of July - that will have been almost 2 months after she moved. There is absolutely no way our Mum could move back to living alone with carers like before but this also depends on your Mum's mental situation as well as other factors ie how far along she is on this awful merry-go-round.

Angel

 

[ggma]

My Mum thought she was in a hotel when she first moved into the Care Home, and we never discussed it being a permanent arrangement, and that helped.

As a family we made a decison to get the house cleared of personal items, and then clean up everywhere before going on the market, which took us about 6 months, luckily the first 12 weeks of care were funded for us. The effort we put into getting the bungalow ready was well worth it, the first people through the door bought it.

It was difficult going through Mum's personal items, but at least we could keep some special things for her. We mostly personalised her room with photo's, and this has been good because they are a topic of conversation when we visit.

We made our own life book before Mum went into care, and we had really good response from the care staff about how useful they found it. We included her daily routines as well as her likes and dislikes and also somethings about her past life which were either important to her, or showed how much she achieved in her life. It has also made a nice record for all the family to have a copy and remind us of the person Mum was before the Alzehimers changed everything.

 

[Chemmy]

My mum has little personal stuff in her room now as she has no awareness of those sort of items. However, there are still a couple of large studio photos of her taken back in 1946 when she was a pretty 18-year old, as I feel these are a potent reminder to the staff, particularly any new ones, that she wasn't always an immobile old lady.

 

[Witzend]

Good lucky with the move - it's a horrible time and I don't think there are any hard and fast rules about visiting, etc. - so much depends on the individual and how they seem to be taking it. Visiting a lot at first may unsettle them, or it may help them - who can tell? In general I'd say be advised by the CH staff but then you also have to trust your own instincts, since family will always know the person best.

As regards clearing/selling the house, this is also horrible and the only way is to steel yourself. It's best IMO not to clear it completely before putting on the market, since empty houses can look so dismal and unloved, esp. in the winter. Spring/summer are of course traditionally the best times for selling, when everything looks more cheerful. Insurance for empty homes can be a problem, unless someone's staying over on a regular basis.

When we sold my mother's house my brother (who was handling it) asked the EA for realistic valuations (i.e. not what he might think we wanted to hear) and he gave 3 - inc. one at which 'I'll sell it in a week'. And he did.
The others would probably have meant hanging on for many weeks or months.

However although my mother had been in the house for around 15 yrs it had never been a family home so our attachment was not as great as it might have been. Still sad, though. I had spent so much time there,esp. during the previous few years - I hated walking away from it that very last time, after the final clearing-out.

 

[Chemmy]

I spruced Mum's up, removed any sentimental stuff and put it on sale with the furniture still in, as yes, some properties look better if not empty.

Then every time I stayed, I'd have a go at the contents of another cupboard - charity shop, our house or tip. It does make you appreciate that you don't need a fraction of the 'stuff' you accumulate over the years. Seven years on I still have a couple of unopened boxes up the loft.

 

[tara1]

Been there and it is not easy follow your instincts with your mum, lots of love cuddles and tears got me through, dont be fraid to realy on other people and ask questions and for help if you need it. Emptying her home was very stressful and i am ashamed to say had the first fall out with one of my brothers in big style screaming and shouting at each other but you have to remember every one of your family is going through this and everyone is hurting, but knowing my mam is safe and not wandering the streets at night in all weathers is a comfort. But be prepared I still feel guilty about her being in a c h but it would never have worked taking her into my home, so we all now take her out and about as much as we can. xxxx

 

[Biddy88]

Thank you. XX

 

[Biddy88]

Update

Been waiting anxiously all day for news and just had a text from my sister. She's had a really traumatic time. Mum had to be given a large dose of diazepam to get her to the care home, after the social worker had tried fruitlessly for over 2 hours to persuade her to go voluntarily. This is what we'd feared most.

Will talk to Sis when she's able to face reliving it all. She wouldn't be able to cope with talking it over right now. I hate being so far away.

Isn't it awful when things get so bad they have to give your poor Mum a chemical cosh? All this misery could have been averted if the bloody hospital social care team had transferred her directly to a home, instead of subjecting her to yet another failed attempt at a care package at home. I just pray she settles quickly and forgets this awful day ever happened, but my sister will never forget it.

 

[turbo]

Hello Biddy, I am sorry to read that it was such a distressing time for your mum and sister getting to the care home. I expect it has been a long day for you too waiting for news. As you say it would have been so much easier for you all if you mum had gone straight from the hospital to the care home. I hope your mum will start to settle soon.

turbo

 

[Biddy88]

Thanks Turbo. XX

 

[angelmarbella]

Biddy

I have been thinking about your Mum's move today and wondering how it went so thanks for the update.

Shame about the chemical cosh but it will soon be just a bad memory - the time before the move, the actual move and the initial settling-in period can do your head in but it gets easier once your Mum settles and you accept the situation.

Do let us know how she settles in. Things will be fine though I am sure.

Angel

 

[Biddy88]

Thanks Angel. xx

I'm so glad I found TP. It's been a real comfort to read all the replies from people here who know what it's really like. When I told one good friend we'd got a place for Mum she said "that calls for a celebration". She knew I'd been stressed and meant well but I certainly didn't feel like celebrating at all. I couldn't believe she'd say something so insensitive, but it was simply ignorance about what dementia actually does to people.

I think when the dust settles all this is going to suddenly hit us big-time, isn't it? Now we begin another stage of the journey. xx

 

[chucky]

Hi Biddy, the amount of times ive wanted to slap people who ask after my dad and then say thank god he's in a home now. Well i dont thank god, or any other mythical religious icon, theres nothing to be thankfull for when putting your loved ones in care. Some people are so stupid, who in their right mind would say thats a cause for celebration. Lets hope if it ever happens to them they'll still feel like getting out the champagne, i think not. I found putting my dad in care the most traumatic thing ive ever had to do and i was CRIPPLED by guilt and grieff it took me 3 years to accept it. Putting someone in care is the last resort for most people and the deed itself on the day traumatic to say the least. In my case my dad was transferred from hospital which i was very glad of because i know i couldnt have faced it. Even so, it was still a horrendous thing to have to do and the first few weeks were terrible, theres not a thing good about it at all. Dads been in care 4 years now and i still hate the fact he has to be in a home, thats something you never get over, but you do learn to accept it eventually.

 

[strawberrywhip]

Large Gin & Tonic!

Sorry that sounds flippant..but I don`t imagine there is any easy way. It was the most traumatic day of our lives when MIL went into a home, and we will remember every moment of that day, really the most difficult and saddest day of her life... as everyone says just lie, make the excuse for the move aaas plausible as possible in order to enable a gentle transisition if you possibly can...
I will never forget when she left her house for the very last time. It is such a tragic and devastating disease..and we only had to make the decision when she was completely unsafe to live alone, had been brought back by the police many times int the middle of the night. This lovely sweet lady who I had known for over 30 years was completely incapable of living alone..or living with us.
Everyone talks about the guilt, and it was dreadful..but there was no other choice..so you just have to get on with it. Be kind to yourselves as well, let the staff get on with their job and have time away. Although it was the worst thing we have ever done, it was also the best thing...our stress levels were sky high...we had been caring for her 24/7... and alongside the terrible guilt there was also a huge sense of relief that she was safe. We stayed away for a month while she settled in at the suggestion of the home.
Look after your sister..the guilt monster will probably be terrible for her and it takes a while to get used to taking your own life back after such intense pressure.
Thinking of you both during this difficult time

 

[Biddy88]

Thank you all so much for your support. Can't tell you how much it helps. XXX <3

 

[GZN]

I have to reply to you Biddy88, because we seem to be going along similar timelines, and because my dear dog is called Biddy!
My mum went into a home on Monday. They told us that she had to agree to stay and i was worried sick they would send her away because she was intransigent. All the way there (only ten minutes drive), she screamed 'take me home'. I really wish we had thought to sedate her...
Today I have been told that she said she likes it there - she thinks she is working in a factory with 'the girls'!
As you say - here begins the next stage of our difficult, but NOT impossible, journey...

 

[angelmarbella]

Today I have been told that she said she likes it there - she thinks she is working in a factory with 'the girls'!

Thanks for the laugh!!!

 

[Biddy88]

That's lovely GZN!

Yes, we do seem to be on the same path right now, don't we. (Say hi to Biddy Doggy for me!) Keep me posted on how she's doing.

I rang the care home this morning & Mum is ok - still miserable but at least she's safe. Think it will take a while for her to settle but I'm sure she will eventually! They told me it's not unusual and they have another newcomer who refused to eat, but 3 wks later she's coming out of her room and making friends.

I'm more worried about my sister at the moment, as she's not responding to calls/texts so I haven't been able to speak to her yet. I think yesterday's trauma has all been too much for her. I wasn't there so there's that bit of 'detachment' for me, I think. Hoping she'll phone me tonight. If I was there I'd be giving her a huge hug and that well-known cure all - cake! x

strawberrywhip - I'll skip the G&T and have a large glass of pinot grigio tonight I think. Didn't have anything in last night but I've been shopping since.

xxx

 

[carastro]

I fully sympathise having been through the same thing in March, still clearing mum's flat and that's been awful too. Mum still says she doesn't want to be there, but does seem to enjoy the company. I think this is one of the most stressful things I have ever had to do.

Going straight from hospital could you not say it is a convalesence Home?

Carastro