Seems like i am a horrible person - Rant

[angelface]

I really have not had a good week, trying to sort out my aunts affairs.
I got summoned to a meeting with the SW and my aunts friend B. I have been concerned about the overbearing and bullying way B treats my aunt. The carers say B is making my aunt cry.
At the meeting, B had lots to say. In the middle of the meeting, in came the carer, who said clearly to B's face (and the SW), all the things which have been worrying me.
The upshot was that the agency should do the shopping (not B), and I should have control of my aunt's money so I can get extra care for her. I find B is 'minding' £900 of my aunts which she 'found' in her house, although as far as I know there is no fraud here.
My aunt has a private cleaner, who I am not very keen on, but have left in place, a my aunt likes her, the cleaner has only been with her since last summer. I explained to the cleaner what happened in the meeting.
This morning, the cleaner rings, tells me at length what a horrible person I am, and resigns, but says she will still see my aunt as a friend.
Trying to piece together what is happening, seems the cleaner went in and picked a row with carer in front of my aunt about who does the shopping. Both the cleaner and B have been nagging the carers about what they do, seems they expect carers to cook a meal from scratch with fresh veg in 30 minutes.
So here I am feeling really stressed and ill, looks like anything I do is wrong, even when I try to sort things. Anyone got any thoughts?
G

 

[Isabella41]

Hi angelface, would it be right of me to assume that some sort of relationship exists between the cleaner and 'b'. If so I guess that after B lost control of your aunt's money and with it an awful lotvof power that in her very annoyed state she had quite a rant to the cleaner hence the cleaner turning on you. I would be very suspicious of the 'minded'£900. Is it possible there is more minded money. If you now have total control of your aunt's finances I would suggest you go over them in great detail. In my working life I have to ask alot of questions and the one that jumps out here is why B was so involved in your aunt's finances in the first place. I think its very unusual for complete strangers, no matter how good the friendship, to want to be so caught with another's life unless there is something in it for them. Social Services were clearly not happy either or they would not have told you to take over things. Write the cleaner off to experience. B's hold is broken so even if she continues to visit she can't control anything. Incidentially where does your aunt fit into all this and what are her thoughts.

 

[angelface]

My aunt seems not to have many opinions here, I keep trying to gently find out what she wants.
Auntie says she hates everyone talking about her, and when SW present just seems to tune out. I am trying hard to keep a balanced approach here, no point in my trying to stop others taking auntie over, if I am doing just the same thing!
I asked my aunt for some time about helping her with finances when she still had capacity, but she would not allow it. I asked how her friend B came to be in charge of her finances, auntie said she did not know, one day B just took them over, without her agreeing. Since then, B recently has her pension card and PIN number, but says she is keeping careful accounts.
I have applied to the COP, but nothing will happen there until mid July. The solicitor will stand as deputy. I am currently waiting to be appointee for my aunts pension, I don't want access to her money unless it can be done properly.
I hope there is none of my aunts money missing, but I don't think I could find out anyway. its all such a mess.
Anyone think of a gentle way to find out what a person with dementia really wants? I try to be really gentle, and only ask difficult questions once a visit, and not keep on.
G

 

[wdfortyplus]

Ready meals and shopper.

I really have not had a good week, trying to sort out my aunts affairs.
I got summoned to a meeting with the SW and my aunts friend B. I have been concerned about the overbearing and bullying way B treats my aunt. The carers say B is making my aunt cry.
At the meeting, B had lots to say. In the middle of the meeting, in came the carer, who said clearly to B's face (and the SW), all the things which have been worrying me.
The upshot was that the agency should do the shopping (not B), and I should have control of my aunt's money so I can get extra care for her. I find B is 'minding' £900 of my aunts which she 'found' in her house, although as far as I know there is no fraud here.
My aunt has a private cleaner, who I am not very keen on, but have left in place, a my aunt likes her, the cleaner has only been with her since last summer. I explained to the cleaner what happened in the meeting.
This morning, the cleaner rings, tells me at length what a horrible person I am, and resigns, but says she will still see my aunt as a friend.
Trying to piece together what is happening, seems the cleaner went in and picked a row with carer in front of my aunt about who does the shopping. Both the cleaner and B have been nagging the carers about what they do, seems they expect carers to cook a meal from scratch with fresh veg in 30 minutes.
So here I am feeling really stressed and ill, looks like anything I do is wrong, even when I try to sort things. Anyone got any thoughts?
G

Ready meals are quick and simple way to get around cooked food. Check out the following link
https://www.wiltshirefarmfoods.com/ I got my mum onto these and as ostinate as she was about it all; is now enjoying her local delivery of meals.

As for the cleaner and Friend B then talk to them both and clear matters up with them. If you are in control of your aunt's care then boundaries need to be clear about who does what about the place. Especially when it comes to caring for your aunt. In my personal opinion; the carers are there to HELP YOUR AUNT. First and foremost. Maybe friend B is feeling or taking on too much to do with situation and some things need to be 'CLEARLY STATED' about what she does and how she does it. As for the money aspect; again it needs to be CLEARLY STATED about who is in charge of finance. Receipts obtained and kept.

As for shopping; contact AGE UK and ask about a shopper for your mum. They can be helpful in sorting this. Alternatively do a shop online for your aunt for anything she wants and have it delivered (or collect yourself.)

is a long haul getting 'routine' in place; but it does come about. As for the 'negative comments' from the cleaner; ignore... as seems to me everyone is trying to help your aunt but intervening in each others ways of doing things.

 

[jan.s]

Hi Angelface
What a horrible situation you find yourself in through no fault of your own.

Friend B sounds very dominant, and it may be difficult for you to get her to toe the line. If it were me, I would use Social Services! At the meeting SS said.... That takes away any personal confrontation from you.

I would certainly take back the accounts from B and note the date you took them on, so if there is any shortfall prior to that date you cannot be responsible.

Hope all works out for you.
Jan x

 

[SWMBO1950]

B sounds like your worse nightmare - overbearing

I think things must have look wrong for SS so step in regarding your aunty money. As others have suggested please give those accounts a good going over.

Good luck with what lays ahead xx