No memories at all??

[Busybee67]

Hi. My mum is 68 and has been diagnosed with mixed type dementia 4 years ago but really a good 3 years before that. She obviously has alot of problems remembering people and family and has not said my name for a number of years now, but seems not to have any memories at all!!!
I have read that dementia sufferers tend to remember memories of many years ago, but she does not remember her mum or dad (her dad is still alive too). She has no memories of ever having children or being married or any previous places that she has lived. I have tried talking about when she was a little girl but nothing. Even with pictures taken 20 years ago she just does not recognize anyone in them. I have always accepted that she would eventually not know me as her daughter but i am finding it difficult to understand how she does not seem to have any memories.
Is this normal? (not that anything in this awful disease is normal!!). Would you suggest i carry on with looking at photos and talking about family members? She never becomes upset when she does not remember which is a good thing. But it breaks my heart that she seems to have no memories at all.

 

[Christinec]

Hi Anita,
Mainly my Mum is the same, that is she now seems to have no memories even from her youngest days. She did ask for her Mum and Dad until quite recently but I have just realised she has stopped that. No sure she had specific memories more that her Mum had been really good to her but her father had not - she rarely ever asked for him or come to that mentioned him ever.

There does seem to be a general idea that people keep memories from way back but even a couple of years ago Mum did not do this. Like you I used to wonder about that.

Also just remembered that she until recently liked to look at her school photos and could occasionally recognise herself and a best friend. But overall her memory of the past has been non existent for years now with a very occasional flash of memory.

I do not think this is abnormal for sufferers and I think the idea of keeping all the very old memories is a misconception. My suspicion is that as with so much of this illness everyone suffers differently.

Worries me a bit too as my memories of my younger years are very vague even now!

Best wishes

 

[Busybee67]

Thanks Christinic for your reply.
I always had the understanding that she would have memories of a long time ago too but this is clearly not so. She still lives at home with my Dad (full time carer) and has advanced dementia but i am worried that because she seems not to have any memories that she is maybe more advanced than i thought.
Thanks again
xx

 

[Jancis]

Hi Anita,
That must truly heartbreaking for you and your family as it must seem as if your mum has total amnesia. I'm sorry I cannot be much help - I was trying to imagine what it must be like to have the memory erased completely and it is hard to comprehend. In terms of the present - I hope that she is not depressed as in my own experience this is caused by an awareness that there is something dreadfully wrong. I do hope she can signal some pleasure for the comforts you are able to give her.

 

[FifiMo]

If it was me, then I would continue having discussions with her and looking at old pictures. What I wouldn't do however is let her think you're testing her memory(not saying that you are). You could also consider getting a book like this one: http://www.amazon.co.uk/1950s-Scrapbook-Robert-Opie/dp/0954795423/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1328401818&sr=8-4. This book has lots of pictures of different things that you could perhaps reminisce with her over. With my mother, I often say to her - i found this book and was having a laugh at the fashion in these days - let me show you a picture of this outfit and see what you think. A lot of the time she doesn't say anything, occasionally she will say oh i had a coat like that. Other things she remembers are pictures of food stuffs - like oxo etc. I also got her a book of black and white pictures of where she lived as a child. Provided she is in the mood she can spend hours looking and the pictures and just commenting in general. It can be a pleasant way to just spend time together.

You could perhaps think of making up a rummage box as another thing to go through. Put lots of things in it, buttons, ribbon, pictures, pretty hankie, bits of fabric, a purse with some old money in it, old keys, old birthday/christmas cards, some wrapped sweets, doesn't have to be anything specific, just something for her to rummage away in and do whatever with. You can sit and comment about what comes out of the box.

Fiona

 

[Margaret W]

My husband age 65, is mentally fit and well, and he remembers virtually nothing about his childhood. Never has done, never will. Did your mum used to remember things about her school? My husband has a job remembering where it was, let alone any of his classmates. My mother, too, never remembered anything earlier than her teens.

Shame that she doesn't remember her parents, though. I feel for you in that.

 

[Busybee67]

Thank you so much for your replies and suggestions.

Thanks FifiMo. The box of things to rummage through is a great idea. I will definitely be trying that with my Mum. One thing she does seem to enjoys doing is looking at magazines with me. She always comments on the lovely bright dresses and peoples hair etc. I think at the end of the day i need to stop getting upset that she does not have any memories and accept that she does seem very happy and content most of the time. I just cant imagine a life without all them precious memories of all those special family members.
Thanks again for all your replies. I really do not know how i would i coped over the last year if i could not of turned to TP for help and to read other peoples stories. It really has been a huge help for me to come to terms with my Mums dementia and helping to support my wonderful Dad.
xx

 

[rev]

My Dad has very few memories either. What he does remember is a jumble of different times & places that he throws together but don't make any sense. Strangely he can remember the registration of his car without seeing it! I've given up trying to work out why he's effected in the way he is. I usually sit with him & go through picture books. He loves looking at books about wildlife & gardens.

 

[dillydaydream]

Hi Anita,

My mother is exactly the same .... no memory of anybody or anything. Today, her opening words were "How's your Mum?" Fine, I replied ... what else could I say? I tried a photo album this afternoon but it seemed a bit cruel to reinforce the fact that she can remember nobody, including herself. We did better with a magazine ... the highlight of this afternoon's visit was a picture of flowered sofa loose covers - over and over again, we looked at this picture and exclaimed how wonderful it was! Perhaps I could take in a book of wallpaper samples ... who knows, perhaps that might be of interest! As sad as it is, I think the time for photos is past .... she has whole collages of family and friends on her bedroom walls but I think she'd probably prefer pictures of curtains and cushions. We keep on showing photos, hoping to jog memories. Perhaps, we should just let them go.

 

[Jancis]

My Dad has very few memories either. What he does remember is a jumble of different times & places that he throws together but don't make any sense. Strangely he can remember the registration of his car without seeing it! I've given up trying to work out why he's effected in the way he is. I usually sit with him & go through picture books. He loves looking at books about wildlife & gardens.

Hi Rev,
I was pleasantly surprised when I gave my Uncle a large format picture book with scenes from beauty spots in Cornwall - he talked about some of the places he recognised for ages. He can't read but pictures still have meaning for him. You've reminded me that I must try and find more books in second hand book shops to send him - the love of his life was the sea and old sailing ships.

Anyone else tried using picture books as a resource to help stimulate memory?

 

[justwilliam]

Could you mix up photos of people she 'should' remember with photos of people that she 'should not' (e.g. random ones from a history book) . If she 'favoured' the first type to look at, then maybe she does have some residual memory?

 

[Scraggedbloke]

Hiya Busybee

I have learnt not to challenge memory, instead I greet with a hug and say "I'm your husband, we've been married 38yrs" and Annie acknowledges me.

If I said "Hello who am I" it would cause confusion to answer such a question.

So I find a hug and "I love you" ensures a more positive response .............. for both of us.

I ask others to do similar, "Hiya I'm your friend .........., we had many good times together"

Good Luck

ScraggED

 

[Busybee67]

Hi dillydaydream

Thanks for your reply. You have made me feel so much better!! My mum is exactly the same. She too loves magazines (especially Heat!) she will comment on all the hair styles and clothes all day long. I think it is true what you said we should maybe let it be with the photos now and just accept it.

The wallpaper sample book made me laugh but is a really good idea!

Thanks again for taking the time to reply.
xx

 

[dillydaydream]

Hi Anita

I think we've come up with the answer between us ... no more photos! I was amazed how much she loved my daughter's copy of OK Magazine - the hairstyles, as you say too, were of special interest. I spent years when Mum was still living with me trying to jog her memory and put her back on the right path ... if only I had realised how useless that was and joined her in her own world.

It's really tough and upsetting but I'm glad I went on the forum today after my visit - your post has again made me realise that there are so many of us out there dealing with identical, heartbreaking issues and somehow that's lifted the heavy cloud.

Thank you again,
Carolyn xx