Should Mum attend a family wedding

[EES]

Hi all - Mum has been in a CH for almost 6 weeks now and am pleased to say that this week she seems like she is finally settling in - we still get the question when I am I going home but not as often and when she does ask we just say or do something to distract her and that seems to be working.
She talks to the staff and other residents and they love her bubbly personality.
We have a family wedding in March - my niece (mums granddaughter) is getting married - it would make my nieces day if her nan could attend the wedding but as a family we are struggling to decide on whether to take mum out for the day to attend - we don't want to upset her routine now she is finally settling but on the other hand she is our mum and want her to attend family events. For the past year or so while she was still living with me she was unable to cope with family gatherings due to the noise levels (mum has 7 children and 20+ grandchildren) just don't know what to do for the best and wondered if any of you have experienced this and can advise on whether we should take her to wedding - she has not had a day out of the home yet and we also worry it may be upsetting for her when we have to take her back - any advice would be appretiated. Thanks

 

[Chemmy]

My daughter gets married in three weeks so we too have had the 'what about the grandmothers' discussion. All have been invited.

The two without dementia live some distance away and have decided against it. TBH, both me (it's my MIL) and the groom's mother have breathed a sigh of relief. If they were local, I would have suggested they just came to see the actual marriage service - maybe this is the compromise for your mum, but you need to ensure she is there with a carer who will intervene if there's any disruption that may upset the bride (heaven forbid )

Or maybe she could be brought along just to be in some of the photos?

I suppose it all depends on how she's going to react and only you will know. This is the bride and her family's big day; you just need contingency plans in place to make sure it's not remembered for the wrong reasons.

As for my mother who has Alzheimers; well, she went into a CH in 2005. Would I have invited her back then? No way. She was unpleasant and aggressive and I would have been on tenterhooks every minute. Seven years on, she's really placid but has no understanding that her only grand-daughter is getting wed. I'll take the photos down afterwards, but it won't mean a thing.

 

[hollycat]

My daughter marries in August. Have already made The decision, on consultation with friends and family NOT to take mum.

This may sound a little bitter, but my mum ruined my wedding day, so I have made the decision based on that i.e. I am not willing to take a chance on spoiling my daughters day.

Sorry if this appears harsh and by all means feel free to come back to me if you feel I should reconsider my opinion (promise to take your opinions in a good manner).

 

[Chemmy]

I think you know your mum best, Hollycat. If there's any chance she's going to spoil the day, I wouldn't include her either.

As I suggested above, unless there's a dedicated carer present - and this shouldn't be a member of the wedding party (bride's mother, etc) - who will take total responsibility, I wouldn't consider it.

If some of the family don't like the decision, ask them if they're happy to assume the carer role for the whole day.

It's no different than expecting a parent to remove a disruptive child from the service.

 

[Mariondb]

Very difficult decision for you, but my instinct would be to say not to take her.

Although I haven't experienced this specifically, I do think the risks for her outweigh the benefits - the benefits you simply cannot guarantee. Also this is your niece's big day and if your Mum gets worried, confused or simply cannot cope, the big day and your niece's enjoyment of it stands the chance of being compromised.

You do have time yet to make the decision which can finally be made I guess days before. You could see how your Mum gets along in the next month, but I still think it is quite a big risk.

Any benefit she might get if all goes well, will doubtlessl be forgotten by her pretty soon afterwards. However if there is a problem, your niece will remember that about her Nan in a negative way for some time to come which would be very sad.

 

[EES]

Hello again and thank you for your feedback and advice - My sister (brides mum) my niece and I have decided to mention the wedding when we meet with care home manager and social worker at my mums 6 week review meeting - I guess they may have come across this several times and may be able to advise - my niece is adamant she wants her there but only if home allow it. xx

 

[Joan's_Daughter]

My own wedding took place last year and mum (with Alzheimer's) told me in advance that she wasn't going to go. She made the decision in a lucid moment herself so as not to burden anyone, she said, who'd have to look after her on the day. I was very upset but accepted her decision.

However, my brother talked her into attending and with support from her absolutely wonderful friends and other family members, she did appear to know what was going on and joined in conversations as much as she could on the day.

Now of course she can't remember anything about it, not even from looking at the photographs and the photos we gave her and had framed have disappeared in one of her clear-outs which she has from time to time when she throws away items of value or gives them to neighbours, even the window cleaner has received things from her! It was very distressing for us all - and it's a tough decision to make as to whether she should attend or not. I would say in my case it went well but it was very hard on those looking after her on the day.

 

[hollycat]

Just come up with an alternative. Call me crazy, but could you consider 2 weddings !

The ACTUAL and an ALTERNATE for the benefit of mum.

Came up with the idea as my daughter gets married here with a USA blessing 3 months later.

Weddings being normally a time for gathering of family and friends, would it be nice to gather the family together AGAIN for a second GATHERING/MOCK WEDDING.

Sorry if it sounds crazy, devious or downright stupid.........I get these daft ideas at times.

Would the carehome allow some form of celebration afternoon tea to the benefit of all the residents ? May it cause too much distress to the other residents ? Would it really please all the other residents ?

I have seen a couple of brides, after the wedding, in a CH visiting a relative who didn't make it to the wedding and it appeared to be really well received. Old family photo albums coming out, good oldfasioned tunes and sing-song etc etc.

I will now be discussing this with my daughter

 

[winda]

What a lovely idea Hollycat. Have no idea whether it will be allowed though.


Linda

 

[Chemmy]

I love that idea too, Hollycat. And grannie could be guest of honour in the CH....complete with hat! It'd be a wonderful occasion for all the residents.

Shame my mum wouldn't get anything out of something like this or I'd suggest this to my daughter. Great excuse for the bride to put the dress on again too

 

[hollycat]

Really glad it has been received well.

Love the bit about guest of honour, EXACTLY !

Got my mind really going now !

In the day of digitally printing of photographs very quickly, get the photos of the "2nd" wedding, with GUEST OF HONOUR, and get one or two framed immediately i.e. same day.

Must dash, off to see hubby.......he better get his cheque book out ! !

2 outfits, handbag, hats coming up !

 

[BacardiGold]

My daughter got married back in November. Of course we'd planned for Mum to attend - we'd bought her a new outfit and the hat! As we already had someone who takes Mum out on a regular basis we'd decided that we invite them along to look after Mum.

Then a couple of weeks before the wedding Mum went on one of her downward slips followed by a raging UTI. After lots of wringing of hands and tears it was decided Mum just could not come. Best decision we could ever have made, at the time it seemed really selfish but looking back it was the right one.

We never mentioned the wedding in case it was the one thing that Mum would remember. So to our surprise, when visiting Mum, she was happily telling everyone that her grandaughter had got married and that she'd had a lovely time at the wedding!! We just went along with it

Now if I had to make that decision again (even if Mum was on one of her good times) I think it would be best for her not to attend.

 

[TED]

I think if your mum is settled in the home then you risk a lot of aggrevation taking her out to a wedding that quite honestly she probably wont enjoy or understand (without knowing fully what condition your mum is in of course)

Personally I think it would be possible to include her in the day by going to see her either on the day or the day before (or after ... depends on your actual arrangements such as honeymooon / location / timing)

but by visiting her with fewer numbers she can be more at ease, and still be part of your plans for the big day. I would suggest that the bride is all dressed up though, and imagine what a nice surprise this would also be for the other residence there ... those still able to recognise what a wedding dress looks like.

have tea, a chat, tell her all about the day and smile loads.

My mum also hated crowds, I think she got the idea everyone was talking above or about her and she'd just start shouting at them in the end. Best do something that puts her at her ease. And some photo's of your mum with the bride and family will look wonderful in years to come when you need your memories most.

Have a most amazing day


TED

-- Mum passed away over Xmas, I wish WE had more pictures and memories now.