Hello, I am new and feeling rather alone

[workerbee]

Hello everyone. I am new here. We care for my dad who has vascular dementia. He has lived with us pretty much full time now for 18 months. He needs a great deal of support and assistance, which I am sure I do not need to tell you.

I am lucky in that I have a wonderful husband and children. Thank goodness for them. One of our lovely little ones has autism. It's all pretty full on as I am sure you can imagine, particularly as we have to juggle my working in the nhs in a very stressful area, the children, the house, and of course, my dad (plus all his past life issues which need sorting out)

My dad is lovely and we love him very much. Unfortunately my brother is far from lovely, and has spent the past year making as much trouble as possible - including keeping my dad and our family from seeing his children, as I gather, a form of punishment for my being made POA. It is very sad.

I have totally had enough of all the upset. Life is quite hard enough without him adding to it. I have read lots of threads on the invisibles and know that we are not alone, but I still feel very alone. My brother is so firmly of the opinion that caring is worthless, takes no time at all and costs nothing that it makes my blood boil . He wants only for his inheritance. How can I possibly overcome these feelings, they are making me ill, and I know he is getting such great pleasure from all the pain he is causing.

Is this all going to be okay in the end? Desperately needing some hope and reassurance to hang onto.

Thank you very much.
completely exhausted workerbee

 

[Jo1958]

Workerbee, hello and a very warm welcome to Talking Point
Wow you are doing so well looking after your marriage, children and your father, what a fantastic person to do so much caring and work as well, your are wonderful.
Now as to that brother of yours, well, the fact that he is punishing you seems to me that he feels guilty, can you give him more to do with your father's care, maybe the odd lunch out at the pub, maybe the odd visit to his house.
You are not responsible for their relationship but you can relax and let them have time together, he can deal with all the hassles, he will be fine, well once anyway
You are doing so very well, don't let your brother bully you into doing everything and making you responsible for his breakdown in caring for his father, emphasis on 'his father'.
I look forward to hearing how things go and seeing you around the site, welcome from Jo

 

[Michele]

Hi workerbee,

I just wanted to welcome you to TP.

You have come to right place, and you will find a lot of help, support and care here.

Love
michele
xxxx

 

[Jancis]

Hello Workerbee and welcome.
Money as we know is often the cause of so much terrible upset in families (it would be too much of a cliche to link money with the e-word)
I am sorry to hear that your brother is not helping you to cope with things at present. You sound strong but it is worrying that you say that you think it's all making you ill. But please don't worry, you are not alone and you have found this forum which is going to help you. It will be alright in the end but you need to have faith and keep posting here.
Best wishes, Jancis

 

[workerbee]

Oops, not sure where my reply went there, pressed the wrong button I think!

Thank you all so much for your support so far, I am really touched.

Unfortunately I can't just let my brother get on with it. He takes my dad out for the minimum time possible. He only visits when it is convenient for him. At the first sign of my dad getting tired or confused he brings him straight back. Dad is not allowed to his house. Once he has hurriedly 'dumped' dad back here he scurries off back to his own life to go shopping or out with his family etc, etc. Tomorrow morning I will have to get up on the one day I might have a tiny bit of a lie in (and a cup of tea and a chat with my husband whilst my dad watches Andrew Marr and the children watch a DVD) and help my Dad get ready to go out for an hour or so with my brother. It will take me almost as long to get him ready as they will be out. My dad asked my brother to come later when he phoned today but he wanted to know why he should as he had plans so we will all have to forgo any rest in the morning just so my brother can go designer clothes shopping and out for lunch feeling he has done his duty for the next couple of weeks.

This isn't the first care journey my family has made recently. My mum died of cancer three years ago and we made the hugest of family sacrifices to care for her and support my dad through the whole trauma. My brother was a nightmare then too.

Do I really have to put up with his nonsense all over again? I have quite simply had enough. I have had loads of counselling, but I seem to be hitting a bit of a wall now.

Thank you all so much, I know there are some amazing folks on here.

 

[lin1]

Hello Workerbee
Welcome from me tho sorry you needed to find us

You have chosen a very apt user name by the sound of things

Please dont let that brother get to you , punishing you for having LPA for your father is so wrong , its a true old saying , that money is the root of all evil .
Im guessing that you keep trying to patch things up ? well my thoughts are ,you have more than enough on your plate without problems with brother ,
And if I were in your shoes I would stop trying ,

Maybe one day he will see the error of his ways but untill then is not worth making yourself ill . You need to concentrate on your own children , husband ,dad and most importantly YOURSELF

Sending you a big ((((((hug))))))

 

[Katrine]

"My dad is lovely and we love him very much"

Dear Workerbee, this statement says it all. You are working hard, that is obvious. You are also getting the pleasure of your dad's company and his love. Your brother is depriving HIMSELF of his own father. And sadly, also depriving his dad of his son's and his grandchildren's company. It seems as if he just keeps things ticking over with his flying visits, enough to say he sees his dad but not really to be of any use to anyone.

My SIL refuses to be involved with her mother's care, or only once in a blue moon and makes a tremendous fuss over the responsibility, which she happily hands back as soon as possible. She is always promising to help out - when 'such as such' is over, or when she is less busy, etc.etc. I grind my teeth with fury sometimes. Then I remember that I get to see her mum pretty much every day, and I love her, so I am not missing out on spending time with MIL in her own home in what is probably her last year before she needs to go into residential care. Meanwhile her daughter is missing out on so much during this golden year (I call it that not because everything is always rosy but because I shall look back on this year as a very special time).

This situation is making you feel ill. You are disrespected and unappreciated by someone whose views and feelings are, frankly, not worth bothering about at the moment. It would be much easier if he wasn't part of the picture. It isn't caring for your dad that is upsetting you so much; it is the way a bully makes you feel in order to get their own way or to punish you for not allowing them to get their own way. He wouldn't have made a good attorney, and you are, I am sure, acting in your dad's best interests, so be proud that you are protecting his finances as well as his person.

I know a little bit of how it feels to have a brother who does not respect you, although my situation is nothing like as stressful as yours. I have a brother who does not value the dedicated care given by highly experienced carers to our mother. He thinks they have an easy life and get paid too much. He thinks it is my choice to visit my mother frequently, although he knows I manage her household and her day to day finances. He never thanks me for what I do. My other brother, who lives in Oz, is so supportive and loving. He and his fiancee derive much comfort from knowing that I am their 'representative' in family support.

From what you say about your brother's behaviour when your mum was ill, your brother's behaviour isn't going to change. Not only is he inconveniencing you but he is disrespecting you, your family and his father. He sounds like a bully, as someone else has said. Bullies carry on the same way unless they are challenged, or bi-passed. You may feel that challenging him is pointless, but you could become less accommodating in supporting his visits. You can't make him take dad for a longer break, but you can make him visit at a time that is convenient to you. And why can't HE get his dad ready if he wants to take him out? If that's too much trouble then he can just have a cup of tea with him and b***er off!

 

[lin1]

Hi me again .

Its probably tok late now but could your husband speak to your brother to tell him to come later as its not convenient to come to early as it takes time to get dad ready .

 

[workerbee]

Good morning and thank you so much Lin and Katrine for your further replies. My dad did not have a great night, I did not have to go into him but I could hear him sleep talking a lot, which he does when he is anxious, so always the night before a visit from my brother. I am definitely going to be more assertive when it comes to planning his visits. I have decided after this weekend's fiasco that I am going to issue my brother with a schedule of when his visits will be convenient. The uncertainty of them is too stressful at the moment, and why should I have to continually base my plans around him.

This will probably sound bad but I do not keep keep trying to patch things up with my brother. We haven't spoken for over a year now. His style of managing things is to let them become an absolute crisis, then abuse his sister verbally, and I mean screaming down the phone abuse of the most vicious order. When my mum was ill, the doctors would not accept that she was very sick indeed and wanted just to get her home, so my brother bowed to their 'superior' knowledge, although I am well qualified and experienced medically and of course I knew my mum very well indeed. My brother wanted to get her home too as for some bizarre reason he felt he had to visit her in hospital, but not at home. So, she came home, with a bottle of paracetamol and a discharge note stating that the family ie me and Dad, were being awkward in not wanting her home, but all was well as they had put a care package in place!! Just what you need, someone to wash your face, when you have terminal cancer! It was absolutely terrifying watching someone you love screaming in pain and feeling utterly powerless to make it better, knowing instinctively that this level of pain was indicative of something very severe indeed. I forgave my brother that time, concluding that he was afraid, and can even remember wanting to call him in the middle of the night to ask for help, but resisting as I knew he had to get up early for work. Never mind that I was sometimes doing a twelve hour shift clinically and then driving to my parents to sit up all night to care for my mum.

Ironically, when things had settled a little after my Mum's passing, my husband and I concluded that at least my brother would have learned something from this experience, and that if ever Dad got ill things would be different. How wrong we were!! It appears he is strongly into self-preservation and denial. He doesn't accept that my son has autism despite the raft of medical reports, as presumably that makes him feel that he does not have to give our family's situation any 'special' consideration. So you can see that he is heavily into disrespect and I am not prepared to go there ever again. I have decided that I will never speak with him again for my own protection. However, we should so love to see the children. My own three children would so love to see them too, as would my Dad. My brother knows this and uses it as his prime weapon.

I would love to be able to ignore all of this, but his attitude is so very wrong, and outside of my own thoughts and values, that I find it impossible to ignore. How do you manage psychologically to come to terms with your invisibles? I need really to be able to feel pity for my brother, but at the moment I feel nothing but anger. Why should it be that my husband and I get to do all the caring, which let us face it, is enormously hard work, and my brother gets to do virtually nothing, yet despises me at the same time and takes pleasure in punishing us. How I wish for a 'normal' life, whatever that might be!

Thanking you all so much for your wonderful support.

workerbee xx

 

[Onlyme]

Hi Workerbee and welcome

Does this wonderful relative have a doormat wife somewhere? Could you appeal to her to let your family see her children?

I think you are right to let your brother get on with it and hope the Karma train flattens him. What a very useless person he sounds. He seems to be living in his own world with his own rules. The thought that he might also have a difficulty like OCD or mild autism has crossed my mind as I know males have a higher rate of this. If not then he is just a prise ars3 and doesn't need your care or attention.

Be careful if you tell him he can only visit at certain times or he might decide you need reporting etc. Put down that your Dad is at his best at XYZ and the reasons why you would prefer him to see him then.

 

[cragmaid]

Hi , you have, as has been mentioned already, a scared and self centred bully for a brother. Yes I know we haven't even been introduced and I am doubting his nature.
It strikes me that he has got away with the " my way or no way" path for too long now, and yes I reckon there'll be a doormat wife there somewhere too. ( unless he's the doormat in his home and this is his way of fighting back).
Anyway, from what you tell us , your Dad is aware of the problems and expresses this by being disturbed before each visit, this is so not fair to him, as you well know, he does not need anything disrupting his routine, so yes, you lay down the law and make that so and so work for his inheritance by doing something helpful and following YOUR routine instead. Or of course Dad could always move in with them instead
Take care, you have such a workload there, I have total admiration for the way you are managing. Maureen.x.

 

[workerbee]

Thank you Onlyme

Unfortunately my brother does not have a doormat wife - she is just as bad as him, and is apparently very instrumental in preventing the contact with the children. On my father's birthday card and the gift tag her name had apparently been deliberately ommitted, which both puzzled and upset him, so just goes to show you what we are up against.

I do wonder if my brother has a form of autism. I have done a lot of autism reading, and I truly believe that he is very, very low on the empathy scale. So it makes sense as our son is autistic and it passes down the male gene line. Difference being that we are spending our every waking hour trying to help our adorable little boy understand how we treat other people in a kind and civilised world and thank goodness it appears to be working.

My brother has just arrived to take Dad out, so I have a whole hour off - wow!! I had thought that if I restricted his visits that he would use that as the prevention of access card, however not sure who he thinks he will report me to as I have a whole raft of professionals overseeing us who can demonstrate that Dad is receiving exemplary care and I am not sure my brother has any more legal right to see my dad than we have to see his kids. Unless, of course, you know otherwise?? My dad would also willingly tell anyone who asked that he does not enjoy these access visits and finds them unnecessarily stressful, but he is too intimidated to tell my brother not to come. However, I am definitely going to place some boundaries around all of this to protect Dad, my family and my husband and I.

thanks again for your help. it is very much appreciated

xx workerbee

 

[workerbee]

Dear Maureen

Think you have probably hit the nail on the head with the couple dynamics at their end!!

My dad has stated very clearly and vehemently that he would not live with my brother and sister in law. He is well aware of the standard of care and attention he would likely receive if that was the case, and he could expect to be left on his own for hours and hours on end as there is no way they would be prepared to forgo their careers to provide support.

I don't want to see either my brother or sister in law ever again - it is too hurtful, but we should so love to see my neice and nephew.

thank you so much for your thoughts

xx workerbee

 

[Owly]

Workerbee, you said your Dad "does not enjoy these access visits and finds them unnecessarily stressful, but he is too intimidated to tell my brother not to come."

Could no-one else (such as your hubby?) tell your brother not to bother any more?

It looks as if his toxic vibes are doing nobody any good. If your Dad enjoyed his little outings then it would be worth persevering, whatever the aggravation. But if he doesn't even enjoy them, then WHY CONTINUE?

And as for disturbing your Sunday morning lie-ins....how could anyone say you were being unreasonable in banning outings at those times?

It sounds as if the brother has all of you wrapped around his nasty little finger. Time to put a stop to that, I'd say...

 

[bunnies]

Dear workerbee
Your post made me cry - I know a brother just like that, and I too have hit the wall many times. Sadly the stress and bullying doesn't seem to stop, regardless of what you do, and all you can do is lower your own expectations, which is the hardest thing.

I guess you feel that any stronger steps you choose to take, eg limiting his access, will give him more scope to complain. In the end, you can only decide to do what is best for your dad, and what keeps you as calm as possible, even if this results in aggravating your brother. For ages I thought if I just treated my brothers decently, in the end they would be decent to me - over many years, it never happened. My advice would be, don't kid yourself he will change, and make your decisions accordingly. Make your brother visit at times that suit you, and don't apologise for it. And good idea to ask your husband to intervene.

 

[Coletta]

Hi Workerbee

I take my hat off to you,(as well as many others, but often dont have the energy to respond). You have so much on your plate, now, as well as in the past with all you did for your mum. It is posts like yours which really upset and anger me to the point where I spend a lot of my time trying to think of solutions and find that coming here, useful as it is, has another side to the coin. The pre-occupation can add to stress!

As you only want contact with your nephew and niece and the POA and inheritance seem to be at the root of your problem with your brother and, surprise, surprise, SIL, would I be naive in suggesting, if dad allows it, you keep your brother informed of your father's financial position when he asks, in exchange for him bringing your nephew and niece with him when he comes to visit? Just thought it could be something YOU might possibly bargain with?

If not, and your brother continues his fortnightly hourly visits, I would be tempted to think of somehow extending the time of visits., i.e. "we are going shopping when you pick dad up", then add an extra hour or so. (assuming he would wait for you to return!?) He might come to change his opinion that 'caring is worthless, takes no time at all and costs nothing.' Somebody suggested letting your brother get dad ready to go out. What a good idea!
As for Lemony's karma train - he deserves his children to treat him and SIL the way he has treated you and Dad when he gets old!

Love and best wishes
Coletta

 

[Onlyme]

I have read various threads on here when things get nasty if someone decides they should have access when obviously they are just trying to score points. I thought it was best to cover your back in case. Your brother sounds the type to act first and think later.

I am so sorry that your SIL seems to be stoking the fires. Perhaps you brother has moaned so much she has told him not to go and see your Dad if it makes brother moan and to count her out.

 

[workerbee]

Goodness, I am so incredibly stunned and touched by all the wonderful support I am receiving here at TP. It feels like a lovely snuggly blanket around my shoulders. Thank you all so very much.

I am currently waiting to hear back from my Dad's legal team as to what I need to do re finances at the moment. Our solicitor is one in a million, thank goodness and got the measure of my brother and SIL in moments!!

Once I hear back from her I think I feel rather safer, and then I am going to start calling the shots a bit more on visiting times etc. I am determined to get my sunday lie in on occasions - my family should not have to put themselves out for my brother. He clearly feeds off of his sense of power and when I know he is coming I start to feel sick and uneasy in my own house, which i know is totally ridiculous as this is the one place I should feel safe.

Thank you all for your wonderful words so far, and for those yet to come!

best wishes workerbee xxx

 

[Goingitalone]

Hi Workabee,

I can empathise with your situation. Sibs were less than useless while I was struggling to keep the plates spinning with Mum and my mentally ill bro with whom she lived.

To them little bro was 'a spoiled brat' and Mum was suffering from 'just old age' and I was 'making to much of this dementia thing.'

When sis was asked if she could let me know when she was visiting so I could have the time off she said, 'Why should I answer to you as to when I see my own Mum?'

When asked for any sort of help she wouldn't put herself out unless older bro had been asked to do the same and he had agreed, which, of course he couldn't.

Even a visit while Mum was in respite and we had a well-earned rest was too much trouble and when I asked for them to visit her I was told I was 'making them feel guilty' and that I was 'A bully!'

I'm convinced it's all guilt that makes them behave that way. Reading threads on here you do see a definite pattern of behaviour.

The extra visiting when the ill relative is in hospital is particularly interesting. When Mum was once admitted with one of her mini strokes that side of the family all came to visit in droves-the whole lot of them in one visit! Were they thinking they'd better be there in case she died, or perhaps they thought they'd better make a good impression with the hospital staff? Bizarre, I know, but I can't think of another reason.

Mum is now in a care home. And the visits have increased no end. I'm glad for Mum's sake, but why couldn't they do that when she was in her own home? She'd have appreciated their visits so much.

I don't have much contact with my rellies now either. They're just not worth wasting emotional energy on. You need all your emotions for caring. Blow the lot of them. They'll all turn up with the crocodile tears at the funeral.

Sorry, I'm afraid the last couple of years have made me realise how absolutely rotten people can be.

Hope you manage to harden yourself so that you can protect your emotions, too. Cause you sure do need that strength.

Hugs,

Maggie

 

[workerbee]

Goodness Maggie, think our rellies must be related!

I am realising that bad rellies are ten a penny, which does make me feel somewhat better, but it is shocking isn't it. What is it that makes one member of the same family caring and supportive, and another completely the opposite? You sound like you have had a rotten time too. Has life been any kinder to you since your Mum has gone into the home?

I think I am actually very ashamed of my brother. How I wish for a normal sibling with whom we could enjoy special occasions. I feel a pang of pure jealousy when I hear friends talks of the special times they spend with their brothers and sisters, but I guess I should not miss what I have never had. Guess I could have seen what was to come from someone who could not even be bothered to send a congratulations card to a sister when she finally delivered a baby after many years of trying and disappointment. Funny I always made excuses for him before, as did my Mum, in spades, guess she was quite puzzled too deep down by lots of his uncaring attitude.

I am lucky in that I have lots of lovely friends, who obviously care very deeply for me and my family, but the old adage that blood is thicker than water holds very little resonance for me. Sad really.

Thank you all again, you are proving such very wonderful support.

workerbee xx