guilt that i cant show affection

[my mum eve]

my mum has ad --diagnosed 1 year ago--she is on her own and i am an only child we have always been close but i have never been able to show her my feelings---i do a lot for her which she really appreciates and always says "what would i do without you".I have reduced my work,have a large family myself and take her to pain clinic,memory clinic,fall clinics,back specialists,neuro consultants,lunch with friends,family outings and put on a front of OH just get on with it and chivvy her along---I cry alone or with my family but can show her no sympathy or weakness--infact my children tell me that i just snap at her .If i crack i really crack so i dont cuddle her or anything-- i just rush around her--I dont feel i can change and feel guilty when reading other carers being so loving----am I the only one to react in this way???

 

[Jasper3]

I would say..no need to feel guilty..your protecting yourself..we all do it in different ways..

just showing what you do for mum shows how much you care about her

 

[Sue J]

No you're not the only one to react in this way. I couldn't with my mother - but I wish I understood then what I do now - there was no TP, no explanation, no communication - but the reality was she really couldn't help the behaviour that made me see red, and diregarded my needs, I always knew that but the pain of seeing her unable to respond to me caused me to throw up a protective wall, I didn't choose to put it up - it just happened to enable me to cope. We are all different and every relationship is different, we can work at trying to understand but can't change how we feel.

At least you can talk about how you feel on here.

Try not to be harsh on yourself.

Best wishes
Sue J

 

[rose25]

you dont have time to feel,I was like this till mum went into a CH now I have have time to feel as im not run ragged cooking,shopping cleaning and taking her to endless appointments.
I am now a daughter again.Dont be hard on yourself as you show how much you care with all you do.Be kind to yourself.

 

[lin1]

Hi
you are probably overworked, overwhelmed and stressed out.
and thats why you cannot let yourself feel, its a form of self protection.

do you have any help? coz I feel that without help and regular breaks its impossible to carry on like you are without your own health suffering.

 

[xanadu777]

Forget your guilt.. forget it. It's what you do that matters and you do a great deal. The way you feel is just a coping mechanism and matters not a jot. Carry on doing, making your Mom comfortable, and try and stop feeling guilty. What you are doing is much better than feeling sorry for Mom and doing 'nothing'.

 

[sussexsue]

I know what you mean only too well.

However about a year ago I went on a weekly Caring with Confidence course. About week 3 in I totally lost it and had to hit the Kleenex big time. I think I realised that I was subconsciously bottling up all emotion just to survive and cope. The course also gave me a much greater awareness into dementia and just how frightening it is for the sufferer. It also made me focus on my needs as well.

I wouldnt say I am gushing with emotion with my mum now, but am certainly much more relaxed with her and tend to stop and think of things from her perspective without loosing my cool. As such I am also much less stressed. It really is a vicious circle.

I would be very tempted to look out for some similar courses in your area.

 

[cragmaid]

My Mum can be ( and often is) a thoroughly selfish cow. There- I've said it. I don't always like my Mum, never mind love her. She has always been a bit selfish, long before this disease kicked in.She can also be manipulative and even mean. But she is my Mum. She's the only one I have had and she's 84, blind, alone, with AZ and Vas D., and is, no doubt, scared. So what do you do? You care for them and tend them, nag them and worry about them, just like they were young teenagers. In fact they are very similar in a lot of ways and you hope that one day things will get better, one way or another.. Then, you can be chatting away to someone and they tell you that your Mum was singing your praises the other day, and telling everyone how much you do to make life better for her. A nd you think, just once could she say it to you without asking you to do something extra! And you hide your emotions again and get on with the task in hand.
What all of this is saying is that not everyone can care and express love. Some of us care and hide our emotions, because, good or bad, they can get in the way of caring and our day to day lives. If you can, off-load onto someone regularly even if it's just to us, because it's better for your blood pressure! and rememeber that we are all human, not perfect, just doing our best.

 

[Redwitch]

Our love is unconditional but we don't always like the person we love. Like you I do love my Mum but I find it hard to show her affection at times especially if she has just shouted at me or got the ar*e with my daughter, or asked the same question for the 10th time in 15 minutes. Sometimes I feel like shaking her and shouting " you are a fake, you look like my Mum but you aren't and I just want my Mum back" so I just tend to walk away and go and sit quietly on my own.

My Dad passed away on 30th January and I feel that if I start crying I may never stop, so best not to start

I haven't been on TP long, but it is the perfect place to come and have your say, because everyone knows how hard it is sometimes .

 

[sparrow10]

sparrow10

At last, someone I can identify with,someone who feels the same as I do. My mother has been displaying all the signs of Age Related Dementiae for 8 years, symptoms started to show at the same time as I was caring for my father who had Vascular Dementia, and passed within a year of diagnosis. Mum refuses to see a Dr, so I have never had a proper diagnosis, but our old family Dr intimated that this was probably the cause of her short term memory problems and anxiety. It was decided then, by him that a proper diagnosis would be detrimental to her and only aggravate the anxiety. I agree to a certain extent, but for me a proper assessment would put my mind at rest, that I am doing the correct things for her. For instance, she was living in her own home, but not keeping the house clean, feeding herself properly or changing clothes regularly. Managed to drive her car, but got herself lost on a few occasions going to her local supermarket (a trip done for last 28 years). My husband and I lived close by, but had wanted to move since he had taken early retirement and I felt that as the distance would be over 1 hour from her it would be better for her to move with us to an annexe, so that I could make sure she was managing OK.
It has been a year since the move and she has declined some more even the simplest of tasks she finds difficult. I feel she is not happy and resents the move although she has never been pressured in to it just given the opportunity to come with us. She shows me no affection and when I try to comfort her when she is anxious and upset about things. There is no response and she just shrugs her shoulders. Nothing my husband or I do seems help her and her "depressed" attitude is like a black cloud whenever she is with us.
After my long rant the crux of my post is...I feel so guilty....at her feeling like this, because it was my idea for her to leave her home and come to us and although I think she realises she could not cope on her own, she cannot get over the fact that we moved away and therefore she could not continue to remain on her own. In the last few years I have had to take over all her financial matters, appointment making for dentist, chiropodist, hairdresser, homehelp, shopping lists and arranging meal deliveries etc. otherwise nothing gets done and she sits and reads all day. Other than the Church Club, which is once a week, anything else I have tried to arrange for her and gone with her to have been decline as "not my sort of people or thing" I don't mind in the least doing these things and do them quite happily, but what ever I do never seems to be right!!
Now I feel better for getting that off my shoilders.....until the next time...Thankyou everybody for listening. And as to the thread that began all this...hang on in there, I identify with you...you are not alone, I expect there are many of us out there feeling the same.

Sparrow10

 

[Splat88]

Sparrow 10, you hit the nail on the head, that could be our story. Except that its my OH who feels this way, and the guilt is his that I take all the strain becuase he's at work and I stay at home to look after his mum.
We did this about 8 years ago, and it must have been from a sense of filial duty, because he has never got on with his mum.
Saying that, I loved my mum to bits, but could never be touchy feely with her, it just wasn't part of her generations parenting skills. Even when my dad died, it didn't feel natural hugging her, though my sons still like a cuddle even though they are grown up now.
OH says she never was the sort to be happy unless everything centred around her, and indeed, the only time she seems animated is when the conversation revolves around her life, or what can be remembered of it. I catch her all the time, staring at the floor, or into space, but you can't be happy all the time.

 

[sparrow10]

Hi Splatt88,

You are so right, that generation were not touchy feely, although my Dad loved a cuddle especially when he was so ill with Vascular Dementia and my Mother in Law is very physically loving toward her 4 boys and 2 girls. Maybe it is how my Mum was treated as a child...don't think her childhood was great as father died when she was 13 and youngest of three girls. Her Mum was a strange lady who hoarded things and therefore none of them could take friends home. Mum could not show Dad any affection when he was ill and wouldn't have him at home, saying she could not cope with his inability to sleep at night and wandering around the house trying to get comfortable. He spent his last 2 months in a geriatric ward,very unhappy at not being able to return home.
I also find Mum sitting staring out of her window for ages at a time and if she has nothing to read she cannot settle and keeps looking at her watch or checking her calendar for appointment times days in advance. I have suggested she do a little gardening or sit out there as she always enjoyed her own garden before Dad died, but it falls on deaf ears.
Thanks for your post, I feel a little better having put some things down as a post.


Sparrow10

 

[cragmaid]

Hi Sparrow, I've sent you a PM, rather than filling up another page of this thread!! When I start, I sometimes get carried away!!Maureen.

 

[Groundnut]

Hi, your thread really touched home with me. I know exactly how you feel. I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and send you a hug. xx

 

[sparrow10]

Thank you Groundnut for your post and hug. I have to say that just putting some of my feelings onto TP has really made me feel calmer about the whole problem. Short term probably, but at least I know when things are getting fraught, that I can come here and unload and no one will think "Oh, here we go again, same old subject". I actually felt much lighter when I popped into Mum's annexe this morning to check all OK and take through her clean washing & ironing. Being an only child can on occassions be a burden, you have no one to bat ideas off!!!
All the best to all those Carers out there and good for TP being there for us.

Sparrow10

 

[Jillybean26]

I smiled when I read 'I just rush around her' in My Mum Eve's post. I feel like this at Dad's sometimes. I go round and sort out the cleaning, washing, post, shopping etc but because conversation is difficult it's like I'm rushing round doing stuff and he hasn't moved. If I'm stressed and tired I'm aware I don't say much or snap a bit. I've realised that to deal with it I have to mentally get myself to slow down and go at a slower pace when I'm there. But it's not easy, especially if I've got loads to do or at weekends when I'd rather be doing something else. My Dad is also very appreciative but we don't show affection like kisses or hugs. I think if I threw my arms round him and gave him a kiss he'd wonder what the hell was going on. He knows I care though as I'm sure your Mum does.

 

[CarrieLouise]

I care for my mother in law. We never got on pre-demetia, and all I feel now is the responsibilty. I dont feel any love for her whatsoever - It was never there before, so it was unlikely to change. However, I have taken responsibilty for her care, hospital apointments etc, because the other members of her family are miraculously too busy to help. I do this because I know my husband needs to feel she is being looked after. I dont feel guilty that I feel nothing for her, but like you, we are all doing our bit to make sure all care is given. Dont feel bad, you are doing your best under what are very very difficult circumstances. xx

 

[London53]

re: Guilt that I can't show affection

I feel exactly like Rose25. I am an only child so bore the burden when my mother was at home and we were really struggling. I used to get really irritated and even angry at her, and then of course feel guilty, because I knew she couldn't help it. Carrying such a huge burden and knowing that you are the one who is going to make the difference, all day every day, is bound to make people sour.

When she moved into a care home a year ago I immediately found everything changed. I see her most days, and although I wouldn't say I really enjoyed every moment, I certainly never get annoyed or irritated. It's as though I can enjoy her as a person becasue she is no longer my burden - she's the staff's burden. And I've realised that I love her very much - which I'm afraid I forgot when she was at home!

 

[megan47]

Your mum Eve

No you are not the only one to act this way as it often the only way we can cope without cracking altogether. We have to protect our own sanity in which ever way we can manage and you are doing everything you can in your own way don't knock it and never let others. Many people just walk away and never look back and you may think they are cruel but they are not like you they either can't or wont try. Be proud of yourself we are.

 

[fulltimecarer]

don't feel guilty

I have snap thousands of times at mum i get tired having to do everything for her. please do not feel guilty is just the weight of the responsability. Our occupational therapist said to us it will get easier I'm still waiting....
have you read the book call the selfish pig's guide to caring by Hugh Marriot? by reading these book i undestood that all these feelings weren't bad a all it just happend that you are given your life and time to someone else.
i hope you get time for your self otherwise you will end up depress, stress and physicaly tired.

my mum has ad --diagnosed 1 year ago--she is on her own and i am an only child we have always been close but i have never been able to show her my feelings---i do a lot for her which she really appreciates and always says "what would i do without you".I have reduced my work,have a large family myself and take her to pain clinic,memory clinic,fall clinics,back specialists,neuro consultants,lunch with friends,family outings and put on a front of OH just get on with it and chivvy her along---I cry alone or with my family but can show her no sympathy or weakness--infact my children tell me that i just snap at her .If i crack i really crack so i dont cuddle her or anything-- i just rush around her--I dont feel i can change and feel guilty when reading other carers being so loving----am I the only one to react in this way???