hi -1st time on this site -mum has vascular dementia and alzheimers diagnosed 2yrs ago she lives on her own and i visit daily -over time have had carers put in lunch and evening and up until now have managed ok BUT for 2 weeks her mental state has been changing with quick deterioration over the last week -carer has suggested may be a uti which I will get checked tomorrow but I feel really lost/scared/alone as I always promised mum I wouldn't let her go into a home but I am really struggling and feel like a bad person for not coping at the moment and very scared for the future. I have been reading some of the messages on here and it helps to know that there are other people out there who probably know what I'm going through -friends/family sympathise but then go about their normal lives.By writing this it is the first time i have admitted i find it hard to cope so maybe that is a start
lost and scared
- Thread starter jacsy2001
- Start date
All caring carers find it hard to cope so don't be hard on yourself. Just remember that at the time of making your promise to Mom you never knew the extent to which her personality would deteriorate or indeed how quickly or how stressful to you it would become. What is important now is that you do what is necessary, not only for her welfare but yours as well. Most of us are raddled with guilt at some of the things we find it necessary to do for those we are caring for and that is natural, but providing your actions are guided by what is in Mom's best interest then you do right, and looking after yourself also ranks as of first importance as if you become ill then Mom's future would largely be taken out of your hands anyway.
Guided by love your decisions will be right.
Guided by love your decisions will be right.
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Hi sorry to hear about your mum
my dad has vascular dementia & we coped for a long time, I too made the promise that he would not go in a home & tried hard to keep it
he had good days & bad days especially when he had a UTI but once on antibiotics he generally picked up again, not quite to where he was but definitely better
I hope its the same for your mum
Know you are no alone
sending you a hug
GILL
my dad has vascular dementia & we coped for a long time, I too made the promise that he would not go in a home & tried hard to keep it
he had good days & bad days especially when he had a UTI but once on antibiotics he generally picked up again, not quite to where he was but definitely better
I hope its the same for your mum
Know you are no alone
sending you a hug
GILL
Hello jacsy and welcome to TP.
I am sorry to hear about your Mum and only hope that it is an infection causing this current downturn. If it is hopefully antibiotics will clear up the problem.
I do wonder if you are getting enough support. Your Mother is entitled to one to assess her needs and you, as carer, also have a right to one. This is when you should demand more support. This link explains it:
http://alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=131
I also suggest you telephone to local Alzheimers Society for they know what local support is available.
Whilst the process of moving a loved one to a Care Home is very difficult, it can prove successful not just for the carer but also the sufferer.
I do hope you find this Forum helpful and supportive.
I am sorry to hear about your Mum and only hope that it is an infection causing this current downturn. If it is hopefully antibiotics will clear up the problem.
I do wonder if you are getting enough support. Your Mother is entitled to one to assess her needs and you, as carer, also have a right to one. This is when you should demand more support. This link explains it:
http://alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=131
I also suggest you telephone to local Alzheimers Society for they know what local support is available.
Whilst the process of moving a loved one to a Care Home is very difficult, it can prove successful not just for the carer but also the sufferer.
I do hope you find this Forum helpful and supportive.
Hi jacsy2001
Just to say welcome to TP.
We all understand how scary it is coping with the awful illness, so there will always be someone here to share your worries with.
I was in the same situation, had agreed with Mum she wouldn't go into a home, but I didn't realise at the time how difficult it would be to cope. Mum went into a CH at the end of last year and despite my fears, it really has been the best thing for both of us.
In her more lucid moments, Mum will tell me that she feels safe now because there's somebody around for her day and night. That is enough to make me feel sure the CH was the right decision.
Have you had an assessment of Mum's needs recently? If not, get in touch with SS and ask for one, both for yourself and your Mum. Remember, you have needs too! Perhaps some respite care could be arranged to give you a break, and you would be able to see how your Mum would settle into a CH?
Take care
Carol
x
Just to say welcome to TP.
We all understand how scary it is coping with the awful illness, so there will always be someone here to share your worries with.
I was in the same situation, had agreed with Mum she wouldn't go into a home, but I didn't realise at the time how difficult it would be to cope. Mum went into a CH at the end of last year and despite my fears, it really has been the best thing for both of us.
In her more lucid moments, Mum will tell me that she feels safe now because there's somebody around for her day and night. That is enough to make me feel sure the CH was the right decision.
Have you had an assessment of Mum's needs recently? If not, get in touch with SS and ask for one, both for yourself and your Mum. Remember, you have needs too! Perhaps some respite care could be arranged to give you a break, and you would be able to see how your Mum would settle into a CH?
Take care
Carol
x
Hi Jacsy,
I, too, promised my Mum I wouldn't put her in a home.
I'm at a similar stage to you and am trying hard to keep her at home still. Sometimes we're just delaying the inevitable, though.
There is only so much a person can do. In my case it's not just the physical caring but the whole weight of the responsibility. We have carers going in and are awaiting another social services assessment. But I feel very much alone with it despite having some family who could help if they chose to.
I'd agree with others that another assessment is in order and an assessment of your needs. Get as much help as you can and make good friends of your carers. Mine are a real support to me and their experience is invaluable.
Do keep posting. You'll find lots of support on here, too.
Hugs,
Maggie
I, too, promised my Mum I wouldn't put her in a home.
I'm at a similar stage to you and am trying hard to keep her at home still. Sometimes we're just delaying the inevitable, though.
There is only so much a person can do. In my case it's not just the physical caring but the whole weight of the responsibility. We have carers going in and are awaiting another social services assessment. But I feel very much alone with it despite having some family who could help if they chose to.
I'd agree with others that another assessment is in order and an assessment of your needs. Get as much help as you can and make good friends of your carers. Mine are a real support to me and their experience is invaluable.
Do keep posting. You'll find lots of support on here, too.
Hugs,
Maggie
hello
Hi. I really felt for you on reading your thread. I can identify with you, exept in my case it's my husband who has Vascular Dementia, diagnosed about 18months- 2 years ago. I too have vowed my husband will never go into a home, but just lately I've felt a bit tired and short tempered. I do absolutely everything, which normally does'nt bother me, until now that is. Will has always dealt with the financial side of things as he was brilliant at Maths and such like, now I'm having to struggle through with all this. I sound really grumpy, but I love my husband dearly, but I think it's all getting on top of me. I do hope you contact me, we may be able to console eachother.
Best Wishes Ann.
Hi. I really felt for you on reading your thread. I can identify with you, exept in my case it's my husband who has Vascular Dementia, diagnosed about 18months- 2 years ago. I too have vowed my husband will never go into a home, but just lately I've felt a bit tired and short tempered. I do absolutely everything, which normally does'nt bother me, until now that is. Will has always dealt with the financial side of things as he was brilliant at Maths and such like, now I'm having to struggle through with all this. I sound really grumpy, but I love my husband dearly, but I think it's all getting on top of me. I do hope you contact me, we may be able to console eachother.
Best Wishes Ann.
Hello Jacsy
I'm in a similar situation to you by the sound of it. My Dad has carers going in 3 times a day and I visit daily, sometimes twice a day. Years ago he used to say that he wouldn't go into a home, he'd 'end it all' and he got worried a few months ago saying that the Government were trying to put people like him into homes, he really fretted over it. He went through a phase of needing reassurance that his house and contents were all his. I used to deal with it by saying nothing was planned at the moment and to concentrate on the present as who knows what the future brings, and make light of it somehow. Like you, I felt guilty though, so can really sympathise. I did feel better though by kind of giving this 'at the moment' proviso, as it didn't feel quite so bad. Take care.
I'm in a similar situation to you by the sound of it. My Dad has carers going in 3 times a day and I visit daily, sometimes twice a day. Years ago he used to say that he wouldn't go into a home, he'd 'end it all' and he got worried a few months ago saying that the Government were trying to put people like him into homes, he really fretted over it. He went through a phase of needing reassurance that his house and contents were all his. I used to deal with it by saying nothing was planned at the moment and to concentrate on the present as who knows what the future brings, and make light of it somehow. Like you, I felt guilty though, so can really sympathise. I did feel better though by kind of giving this 'at the moment' proviso, as it didn't feel quite so bad. Take care.
