My husbands left

[sillybilly]

Hi
I dont know if anyone can give me any advice.
I am looking after my widowed mother who has altzeimers - shes still almost coping. My daughters relationship broke up and she moved home - My husband said that I never asked his permission for my daughter (his stepdaughter) to move home or my mother to be looked after and he has left - HELP

 

[Grannie G]

I don`t know how to help you but can only suggest you sit tight and hope things will get better once tempers have calmed down.

Living with dementia puts such an additional strain on relationships. I`m so sorry.

 

[helen forshaw]

I am so sorry. You must feel so let down by your husband at a time when your daughter and your mother need you and you need his support.
My husband is finding it difficult to acccept the upheaval in our lives when my daughter (who has a learning disability) needed to come home and I took in my father who has AD.
I actually moved to a bigger house eighteen months ago so I could support my dad and daughter. My husband has only called in once for five minutes.
I keep reminding myself that the situation will change and that my priority must be to support the most vulnerable members of my family with or without my husband's support.
It is hard to accept that a husband will not share the hard times as well as the good times.
Stay strong for your mum and encourage your daughter to share in the care and love for her grandmother otherwise you will get burnt out.
I know my husband feels abandoned by me as he feels I have put my dad and daughter before my marriage. I am trying to spend more time with him and reassure him that the situation won't last forever.
It is hard though because my gut is telling me that he should come and support me at this time.
I don't think there is an easy or instant solution other than to be clear with him that your family need your support and that this doesn't mean that you care any less about him.
Remember to turn to your friends for support and not try to cope with everything alone.
I do feel for you though. Take care of yourself.
Helen X

 

[Goingitalone]

Oh how I feel for you!

This is so hard, setting priorities and feeling that, whatever you do, you won't please everybody.

I often feel torn in several pieces, too, and it has taken some time for my husband to accept the amount of care and emotional energy I devote to Mum and my mentally ill brother who lives with Mum.

It has taken a lot of talking and compromising to get to the balanced situation we're in now.

Do you get any help with your Mum? I applied for direct payments from Social Services and now have carers going in most days to Mum's. It has made a huge difference and has taken away loads of pressure.

Maybe hubby would feel better if he saw you trying to share her care with someone else, although I know this is hard, too. We introduced carers very gradually ie said, 'Mum, you deserve some help with the housework now, you've earned it.' etc etc.

Hope things settle for you soon.

Big hugs,

Maggie

 

[Padraig]

True love

Over the years I've told our nine grandchildren the meaning of true love. By asking themselves the question; should the person they love suddenly become incapacitated in such a manner that they would require being taken care of for the rest of their lives? Would they walk away, or love them all the more?'
True love asks no questions but just is and those who find it their lives are enriched.
When the chips are down true love shines through. Sadly the world could do with more.

 

[lin1]

Hello

I am so so sorry you are going through this.

The only advice I can offer to what others have already said, is to sit tight, and when your husband makes contact, talk calmly and listen to each other

you must be feeling so badly let down

 

[Tolkny]

Hi
I don't know if anyone can give me any advice.
I am looking after my widowed mother who has Alzheimers - she's still almost coping. My daughters relationship broke up and she moved home - My husband said that I never asked his permission for my daughter (his stepdaughter) to move home or my mother to be looked after and he has left - HELP

This is a true CRISIS for the poster and one not entirely of her making. This post will read like criticism but it is meant as support - facts need to be faced head on - to minimise situation deteriorating.

Elsewhere today I read the following quotation

Nothing happens to any man that he is not formed by nature to bear.
--Marcus Aurelius Antoninus

I am not sure if I believe that in every situation, but it does not say we have to cope alone - so well done to our poster for seeking support here - seeking support is not something I do often enough, due to my pride and arrogance.

The supporting comments to that quote Follow.

(Reflecting on the past reveals that indeed we do find the strength and the ability to cope with whatever experience ripples our calm. Moreover, we have come to accept that these tides of turmoil wash in new awarenesses, heightened perceptions, and measurable calm.

Tragedies are guaranteed to trigger first pain, then perceptible growth, and finally, tranquility. Over and over again we pass through these stages that are designed to nurture our fuller development as healthy human beings. Over and over we see that the tough times teach us what we're ready to learn.

We can look to the day ahead fully expecting to be strengthened enough to handle whatever we've been readied to experience. Nothing will present itself that can't be coped with.

Today I can be certain of growing. I will meet the challenges in unison with my inner strength.)

and I got it from a 'thought for today' that was emailed to me - today - from The Hazelden Addiction treatment organisation

http://www.hazelden.org/web/landing.view

- I am an addict - there are good ideas there for non addicts as well, but not everything will be relevant to all.

To continue if the reader wishes.

By CRISIS, I mean something not experienced before for which we do not have a ready made answer and we need to seek new 'to us' ways of managing - we may not need to take action, sometimes just continuing on and seeing what develops is better than trying to 'fix' everything and every body - including ourselves.

But in a CRISIS I need and am entitled to seek support.

The sort of places I might seek support if I had relationship problems like those described would be from the RELATE organisation, if I was in the UK, they can often provide emergency help.

http://www.relate.org.uk/home/index.html

It maybe I have some friends who will listen and not tell me what to do, or a religious leader, who I can approach - many Faith Groups provide this support without expecting (nor should they) one to make any committment to them.

Having someone who will listen is vital.

Thank goodness there is always the Samaritans who are superb at listening whilst one gets some of their own thoughts and feelings in to some sort of order.

http://www.samaritans.org/

PS - I don't think the poster is the person she describes with her user name - it is a 'wise owl' who seeks support not a 'silly billy'!

 

[flowerpot]

I felt really sad reading this You both must talk to each other it's the only way. Being a carer is so hard and demanding but you must make time for each other which I know is a very hard thing to do You must feel that your being pulled in all kinds of directions I think most importantly you need to think of yourself. I hope I haven't spoken out of turn here I just know from experience of the hardship of a marital breakdown and all that it entails. Good luck and thinking of you

 

[piedwarbler]

I'm sorry too, it does upset the whole family balance when someone gets ill and the things they used to do start to change and needs increase and burdens fall on shoulders, yes I have been through all that. I feel for you and can only hope that things get eaiser for you. The burden is on you and I would have done the same in your position. I wonder if there is anyone who can talk to your hubby and mediate for you?

Good luck xxxx

 

[mexx]

Over the years I've told our nine grandchildren the meaning of true love. By asking themselves the question; should the person they love suddenly become incapacitated in such a manner that they would require being taken care of for the rest of their lives? Would they walk away, or love them all the more?'
True love asks no questions but just is and those who find it their lives are enriched.
When the chips are down true love shines through. Sadly the world could do with more.

I like your message but am certain many/most won't understand...it's the harsh Truth.

If someone leaves you in time of deepest need, perhaps they weren't the person you believed they were.

Love to you

 

[Tolkny]

If someone leaves you in time of deepest need, perhaps they weren't the person you believed they were.

Or perhaps they and you have changed. In fact change is inevitable just as a consequence of the passage of time and the experiences we have separately and together.

I am with the same woman I first met in 1964 - so I have no experience of living as a couple with more than one other person. At times we want very different things or don't even know what we want or perhaps can't express it. What I am sure is that worse than separating at a time of great stress is staying together end enduring it if either cannot do it with cheer and humour so in such a situation maybe a parting - even for 'the time being' is for the best. I have lived apart from my wife on two occasions for several months at a time, those experiences, back then, a dozen and more years ago, help to keep me committed during the current times of dementia.

In the addiction recovery fellowship to which I belong we have a very well used saying -'THIS TO WILL PASS' - that is whether or not the 'THIS' is good or bad!

 

[Bastan]

Hello, (I cannot bear to write your chosen name)(I am certain you are not)

I may be way of line here but here goes......I wonder if your husband feels a little invisible in your life. I don't like the 'never asked his permission' statement, it sounds controlling and it conjures up a parent/child relationship. However, did the two of you actually talk about these life changing decisions. Or did you decide alone then tell him?

I feel for you as you are going through so much already without this adding to your stress. I can only say I hope you manage to communicate and sort this out very soon.

much love and harmony to you
Bastan. xx

 

[creativesarah]

I am so sorry that you are having such a terribly hard time,cant offer any advice but you are obviously a compassionate, caring person and an ounce of compassion goes a long way
Much support you'r in my prayers tonight Sarah

 

[Padraig]

Mexx,
Thanks for your post. It's not often some people, can or want to face the harsh facts of life.
What I was trying to say was 'Sillybilly'; Would your husband expect or hope that you would want to care for him, should he have the misfortune to require the heart felt loving care you give your Mother.
I hope to God that he observes the love and compassion you share with both your Mother and daughter and learns to to be part of that love.
Mexx, here's another response I made years ago before removing my wife from a NH. When I inquired about the drugs being administered, I was informed that I'd have to ask the doctor. The doctor started with: "Understand that you do a wonderful job of caring for your wife, spending eight and nine hours a day here." I was upset and fired: "No I'm not." Shocked he asked: "Why ever not?" Without thinking: "Don't dogs look after their pups." In the beginning I thought it a silly remark, but years later I know it was very apt in relation to society as it is.

 

[sillybilly]

Thank you all for your replies I am very touched. My husband and I are beginning to rebuild our relationship and I am trying to take time to be with him as well as my mum and daughter.

 

[Tolkny]

Thank you all for your replies I am very touched. My husband and I are beginning to rebuild our relationship and I am trying to take time to be with him as well as my mum and daughter.

Wonderfull, great!

 

[cragmaid]

You brave person, Please, please find time to be with YOU too.x.

 

[piedwarbler]

Glad to hear you sounding a little happier. Good luck
Kind wishes,

 

[lin1]

Hello
This is good to hear.

But please make sure its not just you doing all the giving, all the compromising. Relationships need to be worked at by both parties

My mum n dad split up twice , the second time mum came to live with me for three years. Over time they gradually sorted things out and got back together . Mum found that she had a much more understanding husband .

What im trying to say is it can work out for the best .
And as it worked for my mum n dad I hope it does for you .