Keep away - bit upset by it

[scared daughter]

Ok what to make of this, mum gets aggressive to me and a couple of her friends. She is an inpatient at the moment and the nurse said "oh keep away, thats my advice"

Hard advice to take though, it is very hard to handle but do you think it is ever best to "keep away?" How on earth do you live knwoing your mother is so ill and not being able to knwo how she is being treated or what is happening.

I knwo it is bad, but I didn't ever once consider giving up on her (which is what that adivce makes me feel like)

Has anyone else ever had to deal with this? the nurse is kind of right it would be easier on me to keep away in one sense but in another it is harder as you kind of need to see them to check how they are doing =o(

It isn't just a me and mum thing mum is doing it to a few peole who were also told the same.

 

[nellbelles]

I just wonder who would really benefit if you did 'stay away'

The nurse for less flack to deal with, you and other visitors, well you would not get upset.

But I think you have answered your own question, at least for the moment. How could you just Carry on not knowing how your Mum was, or how she was being treated

 

[Onlyme]

I had this a couple of months ago. I was told that by going I was making Mum worse. What they wanted was Mum to sit there like a vegetable looking into the distance to make their lives easier. When family came to visit Mum had to try to work out who we were, where she was, etc. Of course it was going to make Mum realise that something is wrong with her and make her frustrated but its is the nurses opinion and you don't have to take it.

 

[Grannie G]

You could keep trying but be prepared to leave if your mother still shows signs of aggression. You might say `I just wanted to know how you are but if you`re being ??? with me I`ll go` or words to that effect.
Has this nurse tested your mother in case she has an infection?

 

[lin1]

I agree with Sylvia.

do get them to check for infection just in case

I would find it impossibly hard not to visit, but I am aware that sometimes its best not to for a while, for a variety of reasons.

I think that nurse was thinking of you when she said not to visit

 

[sue38]

I'm not quite sure what to make of this nurse's advice.

Sometimes my dad didn't want anything to do with me, and the more I tried the more he turned away from me. I learned when he was like this the best thing I could do was leave and hope next time I visited he would be pleased to see me. Usually he was. I didn't consider this turning my back on him, just trying not to make a bad situation worse.

I agree that if your visit is causing both you and your mum anxiety then it may be better to walk away for a while, but that's not the same as staying away.

I can only suggest that you keep visiting, and keeping the time with your mum short if she is aggressive, and using the rest of the visit to chat with the staff about her care.

You mention a couple of friends that your mum is aggressive to - is there anyone you trust who your mum is pleased to see?

 

[JulesLK]

My dad went through a stage of first being dis-interested and then quite aggressive with me when I visited him. I even took his favourate sweets with me (bribery I know, but worth a try), but he just wouldn't take them from me. I did find it upsetting, but I know it's the illness and not my dad.

I eventually decided to reduce the frequency of my visits, but kept in touch with home to make sure he was well and somehow it's worked. When I visited recently with my son, he even asked where the woman was and took my hand ... I felt like crying ! Hope you manage to sort things out, I know how distressing it is.

Jules

 

[Nebiroth]

I think it's necessary to take a pragmatic view of this. If your mum doesn't want to see you (and it's quite possible that she genuinely doesn't, for some reason that will likely remain beyond anyone's understanding and the cause of which is the illness) and your visits are causing her distress then the visits are not only not beneficial, they are causing harm.

I think it is too easy to fall into the trap of thinking the result that visits should produce rather than what they actually do. One can end up visiting because it is felt that the person should be pleased to see family, and they should enjoy visits and that this will make them happier. But what if the opposite results?

Is it right to keep on visiting in order to try and get the wished for result, even in the face of reason that says this will not happen and that the visits are causing distress and harm?

I am sure that it is not simply the nurses wanting a quieter life.

This is not to say that you can't keep close tabs on your wellbeing. But cutting down actual visits to her might actually be beneficial. Hard as it is, the best response to your mum telling you to go away is to do just that.

There are countless posts on here that have said that it is best to go along with a dementia sufferer's wishes and beliefs, as far as is reasonable, to save causing distress.

This can be very difficult when it results in situations that would have caused them distress before the illness - such as relatives staying away. But it is the now that has to be dealt with, not the then.

If a dementia sufferer devloped a dislike for a food they previously cared for, one would not constantly try to get them to eat it!

Perhaps you could try reducing the frequency and length of visits, and if applicable reducing the number of people. Your mum may simply be unable to cope with the break in routine or change in people, or getting overstimulated, and the only way she can cope is to tell everyone to go away.

 

[Jo1958]

Hi,
I think it depends where she is and for what reason, you say she is an inpatient. If she is in hospital for assessment then I think it's important for them to see how she is with you and take that into account in their assessing her meds and needs. If she is in a NH and will probably stay there then maybe leave it for a little while and start visiting again when she has settled into a routine there. I have no answers just putting ideas down.

My heart goes out to you both in this awful situation, do let us know how it goes, with best wishes from Jo

 

[shelagh]

On of the most moving films about dementia I have ever seen is a film with Julie Christie called 'losing her' about a husband and wife coping with her dementia. At one point she moves into a carfe home and the relationships she has there are more meaninful to her than her relationship with him. But he still goes. Sometimes only stays with her for a few minutes, but remains watching from a distance and eventually they reengage. Every demetia is unique but sadly we know that we and our loved ones get better care if we are visible and vocal. Don't stay away even though the nature of your visits may sometimes change.

 

[scared daughter]

Once again THANKS so much, I was a bit unsure if what to do byt he advice. I just spoke to mums ward, they now want me in for a case conference, I couldn't help but semi jokingly say ok so yesterday i was to keep away and now you need me you want me.

It was the sister I was speaking to today - she said to me noone should tell you that and your mums friend has complained about the same advice. She did say take a break fromit as your mum is very hard going at the moment but she did also say this probably won't be the case foever.

The sister also told me she would give me updates and let me know the meoment anything needed knwoing. I feel ahuge amount better knowing that I haven't been the only one facing this.

At the moment there isn't really anyonemum is pleased to see but I did ask the nurse if they had checked her for any infections, and she said they would check.

So I said I can come over for any case conferences but have decided as it is half term in a weeks time I will pop downt ot my sisters for a break.........I guess I should try and turn it into a positive afterall.

Thanks guys it means alot knowing your not the first and that int he grand scheme of things is really s part of the disease am trying not to over analise anything anymore xxxxxx

 

[nanook]

keep away

Hello scared daughter, how I sympathise and understand how you are feeling. Its sounds as though you are being helped a bit now though, hope so. I have been advised to do the same thing over the past two years but I know that would be impossible for me to not visit my husband. Sometimes he is happy with me being there but often tells me go after 10 minutes or so. I wonder if he is finding it hard to cope with me sitting there, not knowing why and unable to ask. Also very tearful at times as I think he sometimes gets "flashbacks" when he may remember something but again unable to tell me what he is thinking. It must be hell for them. Carry on visiting as long as you feel able and leave when you feel you can't help anymore. I think visits are sometimes as much for you as for your loved one and you will always know that you are doing everything you can because you love them. Keep posting when you need to share, there are so many of us out there who understand. Love Nanook.

 

[zagonga]

Sometimes it is just a phase that dementia sufferers go through. We were advised to back away for a short while, it is sometimes a positive step to take. To re-evaluate our own feelings and thoughts...Stephen x

 

[scared daughter]

Sometimes it is just a phase that dementia sufferers go through. We were advised to back away for a short while, it is sometimes a positive step to take. To re-evaluate our own feelings and thoughts...Stephen x

I am finding this, now I have made the decision to step away for a while oppertunites to see friends are popping up all over. I think I will welcome this break catch up with pals and family away and come back to it refreshed and maybe mum will have moved on xxx