How do I tell mum she may have Alzheimers?

[ChristineF]

Hi. This is my first post.

My sisters and I think our mum may have alzheimers. She is very forgetful. She often tells us of things that happened in her childhood but will order the same thing on the internet several days in a row because she forgot she had already sent for it. She also tells us the same things every time we see her. My youngest sister lives next door and has told us that mum gets very aggressive towards dad if he doesn't jump up immediately to get her what she wants. She can only walk a few feet at a time as she has emphysema so the only thing she has is her laptop.

We know that we should ask her GP to assess her but they are both so independent, it will be difficult to suggest it to them. How did you approach the subject?

 

[scared daughter]

Hi firstly I am really sorry you are worried your mum may have alzhiemers. I don't think it is wise at this stage to mention Alzhiemers to her as it might frighten her unduly.

When we were worried about my mum, we arranged for a "health check" but we had already spoken to her surgery stating what our worries were but that she would not react in a positive way if she thought she was having tests for alzhiemers.

Noone mentioned alzhiemers to mum until she had her brain scan and the consultant told her but placed her on aricept immediately.

I think it is always best to get it checked as soon as you are worried, but it could also be something else.

I hope you can get your mum checked and I hope things are ok xxx

 

[BeckyJan]

Hello and welcome:

It is difficult when the sufferer does not agree to consult a GP but when the spouse is in denial its even harder.

Is there any chance you could get your Dad to agree to asking the GP to visit - albeit on the pretence of a yearly check up.

In the meantime you could write up a log/diary of events that are highlighting the problems - you could send these to the GP ahead of an appointment and most will find it helpful.

I had some difficulty getting my husband to GP but he finally agreed as I kept telling him there was medication out there to help him with his memory.

 

[hollysmum]

Hello, ChristineF - my sister and I are also in a similar situation with our mother. She's currently in hospital recovering from a serious urinary tract infection (the most recent in a string of them)but is having a scan on her brain later this week to see if there is any sign of a cause for her appalling memory and unusual behaviour. She thinks she's having this scan because she fell and bumped her head last Sunday, while trying to make her way to the Ladies by herself (she just hasn't grasped the fact that she must summon the nurse using the call button!). We're not disillusioning her, because she, too, insists she's "fine". My father, who has been so worried about her during this bout of illness, knows, deep down, that there is a problem beyond the confusion that is a symptom of UTIs, but clearly does not want to have to acknowledge it. He can't cope with her on his own (she does fall occasionally, and her recent illness rendered her incontinent for a time). He tends to give in to her entreaties that she's "fine" or "I'm not very hungry" during a normal day, and insists that she can get in to the shower or bath with no problem, but honestly, before she was in hospital, we don't think she'd washed properly for days. Their mattress was ruined because of her incontinence during a bout of infection before Christmas, and my dad agreed with my partner (they were changing the sheets) that they must buy a new one. Yet, days later, he was agreeing with her that "there's not really anything wrong with the one we've got". It stank to high heaven!! I have written to her GP, I've spoken to him, too, and he is clearly fully aware of how she is. When she was finally admitted to hospital, my sister and I spoke to the GP, and it became clear that a test for dementia had been offered to my parents, but they had declined it. This just convinces me that my father, in particular, is terrified that his fears will be confirmed. Me too, of course, but if they are, then at least we can all work out what to do for the best. It's only because she's had this UTI recently that he has not questioned why they're doing the scan in hospital, and hasn't opposed it.

My sister and I have had to do some very straight talking with our dad in the last two weeks - we're really worred about him, too, but it is the only way in the end. Good luck, Christine - try speaking to your dad, and reassuring him that you are concerned about both him and your mum, and that their GP needs to be involved to help them both.

 

[sussexsue]

Hi

One approach is along the lines:

"Mum, dont take this the wrong way, but you seem to be getting a bit forgetful these days and I am worried about you. Do you know that there are now medicines that can help with memory problems. You dont want to end up like Mrs ****** along the road. If you had a bad leg you would go to the doctor, or if your emphysema gets worse. So how about going to the doctor and see if there is something they can do to help your memory"

 

[kee]

My question would be why tell her?

I'm not saying you shouldn't, but we concluded with our mam it would cause unnecessary distress with no benefits. It's dependent on your mam's personality. We tell ours she's just forgetful like a lot of old people, although I think deep down she suspects and is incredibly defensive on the subject.

Some people are lucky to get drugs straight away, 2 years on we're still waiting.

 

[Cookie21]

I am like Kee... I havent let on to my mum about her dementia - I really think she would go downhill rapidly if she did know.
Unfortunately when I asked for tablets, they said they wouldnt help.
I wonder whether Mum is thinking that it is more than Short term memory loss (what we call it)

 

[fiffi1]

i agree do not upset or frighten her ......although a diagnosis is important and I think as early as possible.

I persuaded my mum to go 'just for a check up' as she was 'getting a bit forgetful'.....we then got a referral to the memory clinic.

After my mum was diagnosed and told she had AD- she was devastated and we didnt ever mention it again......i tried once or twice but it was to upsetting for both of us. so i decided that it was not worth the upset for either of us, we manage without actually talking about what her illness is!
well, she's got no Insight anyway
good luck

 

[dood]

Why?

Why be a messenger of bad news when you could be a messenger of good news?

Let the professionals deal with stuff like that?

Maybe quality of life is more important at this stage of Mum's lived life?

Maybe a haven of being liked, loved and appreciated for who she is might be more important than dilemmas about a label?

Why scold when one might praise?

What would Mum do were the situation reversed?

All questions. I think you might already know the answers?

 

[Gill66]

Sounds so familiar

Hi
My Mum was exactly the same as yours. In the end I chatted to her GP who was absolutely brilliant. I told Mum that I had spoken to him and we were concerned about her memory. I have to be honest I didn't really give her a choice about going to see him - just said that I had made an appt and I would go with her. The GP arranged for a Memory Test and also contacted the 'memory doctor' as Mum calls him.
If your Mum has a good GP then give him a call and tell him your concerns Try to involve your Dad in this if you can so you don't alienate him. Maybe if he hears it from a professional he may be more accepting.
Good luck

 

[Izzy]

My mum is 93 and has vascular dementia. This was diagnosed during a stay in hospital for a UTI- very much like what has been described by others in this thread. We have never told her of the diagnosis as I couldn't see any benefit in it. My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's almost 10 years ago. We were told by the consultant in the presence of a CPN and SW. It's only recently I have used this word with him but he forgets it almost right away. We still say memory problems when he goes to the memory clinic. I suppose I feel the label doesn't matter to him. It's the treatment and support available to him which are important. x

 

[ChristineF]

Thank you so much for your replies. I didn't get round to replying as mam passed away a few days after I posted.

I'm back again now because Dad is now very forgetful, forgetting things he has just said and, as Mam did, buying things 2 days running because he has forgotten he has already bought them.

My sister phoned his GP and told her of our concerns. The GP has called Dad in for a check-up of his medication next Wednesday so, hopefully she will be able to assess him. Dad has actually mentioned how bad his memory is and said that he might have a word about it at his appointment.

He has also got 4 letters in the last month, saying he has been caught speeding, all in exactly the same place and around the same time. After the first one, he was offered the chance to go on a speed awareness course which he did. My 2 sisters, my brother and I have continuously told him how much better it would be for him to use his free bus pass and not have to worry about getting caught speeding. He has said that has spoiled his enjoyment of driving (he only goes out once a week for his shopping and takes my sister for hers on another day and the odd trip to the doctor) and that he is going to hand in his licence.

I'm so glad he is thinking this way. It would be so upsetting for him to be told he has Alzheimers and if he was forced in to giving up his licence.

 

[2jays]

So sorry to hear your news about your mum and now your dad.

I was going to say welcome back but doesn't feel the right thing to say really....

As you have seen there is a lot of support on here and good advice.

Thinking of you
J